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HELP PLEASE !

Pixo1984Pixo1984 Registered User new member
I was dating this guy who is in process of separation for almost 2 years. When we started dating he was living by himself in a condo. Because of his financial situation he needed to move back to his matrimonial home with his ex wife and one of his kids. The plan was for us to move in together in September after his younger kid move to another city to start university just as the oldest one. 
I never met his kids because they never wanted but they ended up sabotaging our move in together just because they dont want that to happen. My boyfriend cancelled the leased house agreement and gave up the plan. 

I am feeling unimportant, as a second option, I understand his kids are important to him but living in his house with his ex wife and still date me is awful and he also said is not a option to move out by himself. I broke up with him, I dont want to be with a guy who is living with his wife just to keep his sons happy. 

Can someone please be honest with me and tell me if I am wrong?   


Posts

  • NightslyrNightslyr Registered User regular
    It's not our place to judge you. That's not what this area of the PA forums is for.

    PSN/XBL/Nintendo/Origin/Steam: Nightslyr 3DS: 1607-1682-2948
    Switch: SW-3515-0057-3813 FF XIV: Q'vehn Tia
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion The Land of Flowers (and Dragons)Registered User regular
    If you are looking for validation on dumping the guy, we really aren't going to be able to satisfy that to any meaningful degree. We don't know the particulars and can't really change your perspectives on what you have gone through.

    But any guy who is still in "the process of separation" after two years, doesn't let you meet his kids, and moves back in with his ex is definitely not being honest with someone. Either himself, his ex wife, or you. Or, most likely, all three. You don't owe him anything, do what's best for you.

    dispatch.oPixo1984NightslyrzepherinMichaelLCKetarSiskaKen OtynicAl_watTofystedethHahnsoo1DivideByZeroTNTrooperFeralNobodyKristmas KthulhuShadowfireLostNinjaceresElvenshaeCambiataSmrtnikkime
  • Pixo1984Pixo1984 Registered User new member
    Nightslyr wrote: »
    It's not our place to judge you. That's not what this area of the PA forums is for.

    I just wanna an advice

  • HevachHevach Registered User regular
    I'll echo what Enc said: something sounds fishy on the guy's end. When you date somebody who's got kids, you're never going to be the most important thing in their life because the kids are going to win when the cards are down, but if his kids are that age I'm having trouble seeing where they dictate his housing arrangements to such an extent as, "live with the ex instead of the current."

    Pixo1984
  • NightslyrNightslyr Registered User regular
    Yeah, it sounds 'fishy' (in quotes because the situation is still pretty vague), but you already made your choice. And, again, I don't feel it's our place to tell you you're right or wrong after the fact.

    I mean, the usual advice is to talk openly and honestly with your partner, attempt to work things out if possible, and re-evaluate later. Sometimes relationship counseling is also suggested, depending on the situation. Maybe you've done that, or part of it. We don't know. But, what we do know is that you've ended the relationship, so there's really not much more we can suggest.

    Like Enc said, do what's best for you.

    PSN/XBL/Nintendo/Origin/Steam: Nightslyr 3DS: 1607-1682-2948
    Switch: SW-3515-0057-3813 FF XIV: Q'vehn Tia
  • zepherinzepherin Registered User regular
    edited August 21
    At least you're not gregnant?

    zepherin on
    ElvenshaeSmrtnikRhesus Positive
  • Pixo1984Pixo1984 Registered User new member
    Nightslyr wrote: »
    Yeah, it sounds 'fishy' (in quotes because the situation is still pretty vague), but you already made your choice. And, again, I don't feel it's our place to tell you you're right or wrong after the fact.

    I mean, the usual advice is to talk openly and honestly with your partner, attempt to work things out if possible, and re-evaluate later. Sometimes relationship counseling is also suggested, depending on the situation. Maybe you've done that, or part of it. We don't know. But, what we do know is that you've ended the relationship, so there's really not much more we can suggest.

    Like Enc said, do what's best for you.

    Just think about someone who did everything she could do to make this guy happy.
    When he was living in the Condo and his ex wife found out about me, she tried all the ways to get him back but she was also dating someone else in the mean time.
    He got depressed when he found out about his financial situation, moved back to his matrimonial home and also tried to reconcile with her... it didnt take too long for them to gave up that because she never left her boyfriend. Because I had so much feelings for him I still tried to help him with his depression. Last New Years while he was still sick his whole family (ex wife and kids)left to Miami for a vacation. I was the one giving up my vacation to be with him.
    I was there for him all the time of his sickness and he ended up accepting his kids demands over our plan of moving in together. That makes me devastated.

  • Pixo1984Pixo1984 Registered User new member
    zepherin wrote: »
    At least you're not gregnant?

    No way. I have also a 9 years daughter of my previous relationship and never planned to have another kid

  • IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    Seeking some sort of therapy is likely the best advice the forum can give.

    You sound like you got wrapped up in a complicated situation and now you need to recover from the results, it's totally valid to look to peers for emotional comfort and direction, but this internet forum can only do so in a limited capacity. We'll always have biased information, and can basically only suggest that you find resources that can help you process what's happened in your relationship.

    Families are complicated and I've certainly seen older kids still have a ton of influence in the proceedings of a divorce. The only factor you can control is you, and you've already broken it off. Its okay to choose what conditions make sense for you in a relationship, it really doesn't matter what he's doing or if other people think its "wrong", it's not up to anyone else, and you have your own kid to put first.

    If you are looking for help on how to seek out a therapist, or what other resources we can point you to, that might make this thread more useful.

    Kristmas KthulhuNightslyrcereskime
  • MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    edited August 21
    If you're happy with the current situation then our or anyone else's opinion doesn't matter.

    If you're not happy, then you need to make a choice whether it's going to come from you or the guy. From what you've described, it dies not sound like he's interested in change.

    So you can force it - me or highway - but be ready for him to choose to drop you.

    MichaelLC on
    "Never believe management about anything anywhere." -Aistan
  • Fuzzy Cumulonimbus CloudFuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud bear with us as we do some "rebranding" Registered User regular
    Pixo1984 wrote: »
    Nightslyr wrote: »
    Yeah, it sounds 'fishy' (in quotes because the situation is still pretty vague), but you already made your choice. And, again, I don't feel it's our place to tell you you're right or wrong after the fact.

    I mean, the usual advice is to talk openly and honestly with your partner, attempt to work things out if possible, and re-evaluate later. Sometimes relationship counseling is also suggested, depending on the situation. Maybe you've done that, or part of it. We don't know. But, what we do know is that you've ended the relationship, so there's really not much more we can suggest.

    Like Enc said, do what's best for you.

    Just think about someone who did everything she could do to make this guy happy.
    When he was living in the Condo and his ex wife found out about me, she tried all the ways to get him back but she was also dating someone else in the mean time.
    He got depressed when he found out about his financial situation, moved back to his matrimonial home and also tried to reconcile with her... it didnt take too long for them to gave up that because she never left her boyfriend. Because I had so much feelings for him I still tried to help him with his depression. Last New Years while he was still sick his whole family (ex wife and kids)left to Miami for a vacation. I was the one giving up my vacation to be with him.
    I was there for him all the time of his sickness and he ended up accepting his kids demands over our plan of moving in together. That makes me devastated.
    I'm sorry you are devastated. I think you are going to be disappointed over and over with someone who doesn't put your relationship first. You should ask yourself two questions:

    1) Does this situation make you happy?

    2) Do you think you truly deserve this or do you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who values you and your priorities?

    Those two answers should tell you whether or not you did the right thing.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Enc wrote: »
    If you are looking for validation on dumping the guy, we really aren't going to be able to satisfy that to any meaningful degree.

    This, and it's all that matters.

    We don't know you, we don't know him, we know approximately three details, and there is nothing we can tell you that would be a) useful in any meaningful way or b) satisfying to you. We can't tell you if you were right or wrong. You were unhappy with the situation as it was and you left and it's over, all you can do is take whatever lessons you've learned and move forward. You know where he stands, you know where you stand. There's no gain to be had from picking him apart anymore, and demonstrable harm that could come from doing so on a public forum. If this is something with which you truly need advice, input, validation, or just some help getting past it, your absolute best bet is to see a therapist or counselor to get you through the rough bits. They can give you good advice and insight we just can't, and in a situation involving at least three parents and several children (one of them yours) that's probably the best course of action.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    dispatch.oNightslyrEncSmrtnik
This discussion has been closed.