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I'll bet you can help with a gambling problem
TomatoFunk
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Alt posting because I want to be cautious.
My S/O has a gambling addiction. It sucks balls because we are now in massive debt and I've only just discovered the extent. With a house and kid on the line, financial instability can ruin everything.
I knew she gambled somewhat often and she assured me that everything was fine. Of course, now I feel like a world class sucker for believing it for so long. She was also the one responsible for our finances, so of course it was child's play to keep it all hidden from me. I was a fool for not being involved sooner.
But now that it's all out in the open, and after she's admitted she has a problem more than once, she still continues to gamble. Any time she goes out of the house alone, there's a good chance she will stop in at a card room. Even after our last big encounter over it, and her most strenuous promise that she will limit herself to a reasonable amount each month, I found last night that she's been going out 2-3 times a week and funneling the money through a small business account. Well beyond what she promised to limit herself to.
Last night I called her out on it, told her I don't know where this puts us when she keeps on lying and breaking promises, continuing to bring us closer to complete ruin. She surrendered her debit cards and swore to only get any money she needs through me. But I've been in this spot before, like Charlie Brown and the football. I'm being asked to trust an addict again.
She won't get help, says she can control it herself. I've told her that isn't possible with addiction - that's why it's addiction. There is no self control. I haven't told anyone about this, not even either of our families.
I really dont know what to do here. I've read that gambling addicts only stop when they hit rock bottom. But if I let that happen, then she is going to take the whole family down with her. Where should I go from here?
My S/O has a gambling addiction. It sucks balls because we are now in massive debt and I've only just discovered the extent. With a house and kid on the line, financial instability can ruin everything.
I knew she gambled somewhat often and she assured me that everything was fine. Of course, now I feel like a world class sucker for believing it for so long. She was also the one responsible for our finances, so of course it was child's play to keep it all hidden from me. I was a fool for not being involved sooner.
But now that it's all out in the open, and after she's admitted she has a problem more than once, she still continues to gamble. Any time she goes out of the house alone, there's a good chance she will stop in at a card room. Even after our last big encounter over it, and her most strenuous promise that she will limit herself to a reasonable amount each month, I found last night that she's been going out 2-3 times a week and funneling the money through a small business account. Well beyond what she promised to limit herself to.
Last night I called her out on it, told her I don't know where this puts us when she keeps on lying and breaking promises, continuing to bring us closer to complete ruin. She surrendered her debit cards and swore to only get any money she needs through me. But I've been in this spot before, like Charlie Brown and the football. I'm being asked to trust an addict again.
She won't get help, says she can control it herself. I've told her that isn't possible with addiction - that's why it's addiction. There is no self control. I haven't told anyone about this, not even either of our families.
I really dont know what to do here. I've read that gambling addicts only stop when they hit rock bottom. But if I let that happen, then she is going to take the whole family down with her. Where should I go from here?
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Two do it yourself steps you can do right away are to separate them from finances as much as possible. Destroy their credit and debit cards and for what can't be avoided give them a pre agreed cash or prepaid card budget (and be firm, if the gas budget goes to the casino then they're SOL getting their tank filled). Second, find something to channel that behavior into. Video games used to be a great place, but the explosion of gambling adjacent monetization in games has fucked that right up.
Neither of these are solutions, just mitigating measures to stop he bleeding.
Protect your home and child, insulate your finances to not expose yourself to the risk of homelessness or sudden huge loans taken out in your name. I think you should call her parents and talk to them, she may be borrowing money or lying to them... every gambling addict I've known eventually starts asking for money from people and telling them not to tell anyone, because they're trying to borrow from multiple people who all know one another and don't want to be caught.
You can ask her to seek treatment which you've done. You need to seek treatment yourself for guidance on how to move forward and not internalize all of this as somehow your fault.
I have known people with gambling issues and other addictions that significantly impacted their interactions with the world. The only thing that worked in the end was carving them out of my life, if that happens you will need the support of a therapist or group that's gone through the same experience. It's important you take care of yourself.
Edit:
Addicts do and say absolutely crazy shit and use every tool at their disposal to make others feel like shit when they lash out. If she lashes out, have a place to go with your child.