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Resurfacing unrequited feelings for my best friend, but our lives are very entwined.
altaltaltyalt
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Hi there!
I'll keep this as short as possible, though it never really ends up short when it starts with that, does it?
Let's call me Alty and my best friend Tricia. We've been very close for nearly a decade now, since our late teenage years.
I liked her for the first few years of our friendship, and it was likely the world's worst-kept secret. I had never really dated in high school -- I was extremely self conscious about my physical self -- and just generally horribly awkward and unsure around women. I made all the mistakes of someone who had never dated before and only seen unhealthy relationships in his parents, meaning I was that male friend... clingy, obsessive, all that nastiness. It just wasn't good. I eventually told her how I felt, not because I thought she liked me, but just to get it out of the way and hopefully move on. The moving on part didn't really work out. She eventually withdrew due to my clinginess and we didn't interact for a bit, a bit being about a year.
I had some bad, bad stuff happen to me during that year (entirely unrelated to her) and I decided to shake up my life, kind of do a soft reset on who I was and all that wonderful introspective jazz. I moved far, far away, and pursued work that I felt was really additive to the public good. Right before I left, she asked if I wanted to meet up, and we started talking again. A lot, actually. After I moved, we talked all the time, from morning to night, and I quickly resumed feeling close to her. Not romantic, but extremely close. Romantic feelings would occasionally bubble up and then quickly get squashed once I reminded myself of her lack of interest. It wasn't absolutely ideal, but it was more than manageable. The feelings I had were flashes, not anything sustained. More like kind of intense "What if"s that burned for a hot second and then left, returning two or three times a year at most.
In my time away I truly became the person I knew I could be. I dated all the people I never did in high school, gaining so much valuable experience and confidence (unfortunately late, but still good to finally get all the same). I learned the nastiness of being obsessive (dating someone like that helped open my eyes to how horrible it feels to be on the other end of it), and just... settled down, I guess. I found my purpose, in all ways, and I'm really happy with who I am today.
Tricia and I stayed in contact, ebbing and flowing, but best friends once more. While I was away, Tricia starting dating someone serious for the first time since I had known her (she's always been an absolute catch, but I think my hovering presence in those early years unfairly kept others away... I still feel awful about what I might have stopped from happening for her by being so present). She and her boyfriend have been together for about two years now.
I moved back last year for work and we've remained close friends. We hang out often, I think her boyfriend is great, and I'm super close with her family.
But when we do hang out, it's usually 1 on 1, often doing sort of couple-y things and generally interacting with the emotional intimacy of a serious relationship sans any of the physical, and I'm finding that these stupid feelings are creeping back -- not the obsessive ones from the beginning, but just the overwhelming comfort and silent desire for something more with her. I'm starting to realize that maybe they just won't go away. Starting to realize that maybe it's something that I need to address with some finality, however painful that finality is.
The fact is, she's one of the people I feel closest to in life. She's one of the kindest people I know and there's a strange, immediate understanding we have with one another that I haven't experienced with anyone else (except maybe some family, but not in the same way). And while I know she feels comfortable with me in many similar ways, I also know she does not have romantic feelings. Regardless, in recent months mine have bubbled up again, and it's starting to cause some internal pain (mostly frustration, but also late nights just sitting in a pool of swirling thoughts).
How can I move on from this? The obvious answer that most will likely recommend, I believe, is to end the friendship. But there are some concerns here (besides the obvious sadness of losing such an amazing person). For one, like me, she doesn't have very many close friends. It feels... cruel, I guess, to deprive her of a close friendship because I just can't get my own feelings tamped down. I'm also extraordinarily close with her family -- they're like family to me now, and I go over for holidays and all sorts of inner-circle events. So I'd be losing a whole world of support and socialization beyond her.
Perhaps the other obvious thing to do would be communicating and being completely honest about my resurfacing feelings, but I don't really want to do that -- not out of shame, but because I don't want to want to come across even a little like I'm trying to get her to choose me. I know she's not interested, and I know she's in a relationship. To even share my situation would feel like I'm trying to persuade her, or offer an ultimatum, and I'm not. This is all my problem and sharing it won't alleviate anything, except perhaps make her feel guilty or bad. Her boyfriend has become my friend, too, and I genuinely think he's a great guy, and I think generally that any overtures toward people in committed relationships is inappropriate. Her choice is on the table, for all to see.
The other option is to keep things going, but get over it. Great! But, uh, how? I think reducing contact would be helpful, but again, she doesn't have many close friends and if I just suddenly got distant, she would know and ask why. I don't want her to think it's because of something she did, and I also don't want to lie to her about it (though I suppose keeping these feelings to myself is technically a lie too, right?).
I know dating others helps -- I've dated a few people over the last few years and I've never secretly liked her while dating them, so it is possible for me to have her in my life and have romantic feelings for others. But now that I'm back, and we're seeing each other in person once more, I find myself comparing new people I've met to her, and they just don't really match up and it quickly fizzles out.
This all feels terribly childish but I genuinely don't know what to do. All I do know is that I'm sick of spinning around this drain. I don't want to wake up in 10 years and be in this same spot. I know if me of 10ish years ago saw myself now, he'd be proud of how I've matured and how I treat people, and just generally who I've become, but he'd also be terribly disgusted that I'm still feeling this sort of way over the same person. Perhaps this is a last gasp of my romantic feelings for her, since I'm back for the first time in a long time and this will all eventually settle to a normal friendship. Or perhaps it's something that will never go away. But I already suffer from severe sleeping issues and this has made my stupid, long nights even stupider and longer. I really enjoy the time I spend with her, and when I am with her romance isn't on my mind at all, but when we're not together, I spin around the drain again, a small part of me wishing for more with her and a much bigger part hating myself for feeling this way about her again.
I know this wasn't short (it was my intent, I promise!), and likely just a big, incoherent mess, but if you have any suggestions, or perhaps have been in a similar situation and can share how it resolved, I'd really appreciate it. I don't talk about this with anyone in my life so opening up about it is new and scary (hence the word vomit) and any insight would be wonderful, whether negative or positive. I know this is quite pathetic for an adult to experience, and reads as very teenager-esque, but I really do want to resolve things and move on. I'm just not sure the right way to go about this, especially since so much of my life includes her family now and I'd be losing an insane amount of love and support in my life by stepping away.
I'll keep this as short as possible, though it never really ends up short when it starts with that, does it?
Let's call me Alty and my best friend Tricia. We've been very close for nearly a decade now, since our late teenage years.
I liked her for the first few years of our friendship, and it was likely the world's worst-kept secret. I had never really dated in high school -- I was extremely self conscious about my physical self -- and just generally horribly awkward and unsure around women. I made all the mistakes of someone who had never dated before and only seen unhealthy relationships in his parents, meaning I was that male friend... clingy, obsessive, all that nastiness. It just wasn't good. I eventually told her how I felt, not because I thought she liked me, but just to get it out of the way and hopefully move on. The moving on part didn't really work out. She eventually withdrew due to my clinginess and we didn't interact for a bit, a bit being about a year.
I had some bad, bad stuff happen to me during that year (entirely unrelated to her) and I decided to shake up my life, kind of do a soft reset on who I was and all that wonderful introspective jazz. I moved far, far away, and pursued work that I felt was really additive to the public good. Right before I left, she asked if I wanted to meet up, and we started talking again. A lot, actually. After I moved, we talked all the time, from morning to night, and I quickly resumed feeling close to her. Not romantic, but extremely close. Romantic feelings would occasionally bubble up and then quickly get squashed once I reminded myself of her lack of interest. It wasn't absolutely ideal, but it was more than manageable. The feelings I had were flashes, not anything sustained. More like kind of intense "What if"s that burned for a hot second and then left, returning two or three times a year at most.
In my time away I truly became the person I knew I could be. I dated all the people I never did in high school, gaining so much valuable experience and confidence (unfortunately late, but still good to finally get all the same). I learned the nastiness of being obsessive (dating someone like that helped open my eyes to how horrible it feels to be on the other end of it), and just... settled down, I guess. I found my purpose, in all ways, and I'm really happy with who I am today.
Tricia and I stayed in contact, ebbing and flowing, but best friends once more. While I was away, Tricia starting dating someone serious for the first time since I had known her (she's always been an absolute catch, but I think my hovering presence in those early years unfairly kept others away... I still feel awful about what I might have stopped from happening for her by being so present). She and her boyfriend have been together for about two years now.
I moved back last year for work and we've remained close friends. We hang out often, I think her boyfriend is great, and I'm super close with her family.
But when we do hang out, it's usually 1 on 1, often doing sort of couple-y things and generally interacting with the emotional intimacy of a serious relationship sans any of the physical, and I'm finding that these stupid feelings are creeping back -- not the obsessive ones from the beginning, but just the overwhelming comfort and silent desire for something more with her. I'm starting to realize that maybe they just won't go away. Starting to realize that maybe it's something that I need to address with some finality, however painful that finality is.
The fact is, she's one of the people I feel closest to in life. She's one of the kindest people I know and there's a strange, immediate understanding we have with one another that I haven't experienced with anyone else (except maybe some family, but not in the same way). And while I know she feels comfortable with me in many similar ways, I also know she does not have romantic feelings. Regardless, in recent months mine have bubbled up again, and it's starting to cause some internal pain (mostly frustration, but also late nights just sitting in a pool of swirling thoughts).
How can I move on from this? The obvious answer that most will likely recommend, I believe, is to end the friendship. But there are some concerns here (besides the obvious sadness of losing such an amazing person). For one, like me, she doesn't have very many close friends. It feels... cruel, I guess, to deprive her of a close friendship because I just can't get my own feelings tamped down. I'm also extraordinarily close with her family -- they're like family to me now, and I go over for holidays and all sorts of inner-circle events. So I'd be losing a whole world of support and socialization beyond her.
Perhaps the other obvious thing to do would be communicating and being completely honest about my resurfacing feelings, but I don't really want to do that -- not out of shame, but because I don't want to want to come across even a little like I'm trying to get her to choose me. I know she's not interested, and I know she's in a relationship. To even share my situation would feel like I'm trying to persuade her, or offer an ultimatum, and I'm not. This is all my problem and sharing it won't alleviate anything, except perhaps make her feel guilty or bad. Her boyfriend has become my friend, too, and I genuinely think he's a great guy, and I think generally that any overtures toward people in committed relationships is inappropriate. Her choice is on the table, for all to see.
The other option is to keep things going, but get over it. Great! But, uh, how? I think reducing contact would be helpful, but again, she doesn't have many close friends and if I just suddenly got distant, she would know and ask why. I don't want her to think it's because of something she did, and I also don't want to lie to her about it (though I suppose keeping these feelings to myself is technically a lie too, right?).
I know dating others helps -- I've dated a few people over the last few years and I've never secretly liked her while dating them, so it is possible for me to have her in my life and have romantic feelings for others. But now that I'm back, and we're seeing each other in person once more, I find myself comparing new people I've met to her, and they just don't really match up and it quickly fizzles out.
This all feels terribly childish but I genuinely don't know what to do. All I do know is that I'm sick of spinning around this drain. I don't want to wake up in 10 years and be in this same spot. I know if me of 10ish years ago saw myself now, he'd be proud of how I've matured and how I treat people, and just generally who I've become, but he'd also be terribly disgusted that I'm still feeling this sort of way over the same person. Perhaps this is a last gasp of my romantic feelings for her, since I'm back for the first time in a long time and this will all eventually settle to a normal friendship. Or perhaps it's something that will never go away. But I already suffer from severe sleeping issues and this has made my stupid, long nights even stupider and longer. I really enjoy the time I spend with her, and when I am with her romance isn't on my mind at all, but when we're not together, I spin around the drain again, a small part of me wishing for more with her and a much bigger part hating myself for feeling this way about her again.
I know this wasn't short (it was my intent, I promise!), and likely just a big, incoherent mess, but if you have any suggestions, or perhaps have been in a similar situation and can share how it resolved, I'd really appreciate it. I don't talk about this with anyone in my life so opening up about it is new and scary (hence the word vomit) and any insight would be wonderful, whether negative or positive. I know this is quite pathetic for an adult to experience, and reads as very teenager-esque, but I really do want to resolve things and move on. I'm just not sure the right way to go about this, especially since so much of my life includes her family now and I'd be losing an insane amount of love and support in my life by stepping away.
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She's happy with the person she's with. The second you tell her your feelings, it's going to tinge every hangout you've had, are having, and will have with "...is he just hanging out with me because he thinks I'll suddenly develop feelings for him?" You'll see any opportunity to hang with her disappear, and as more of the friend group hears about this, you'll end up ostracized from them, too- they won't want to hang out with you, they'll think you're a bit of a scummy goose for trying that, because only a goose would try to break up a couple in good condition.
I know this because I was that goose. Back in college, I was in the same kind of situation, and unlike you, I said something. Instantly, things just... changed. Soon, I was phased out of the group. I wasn't invited on things they did, I wasn't responded to on Facebook posts, I was just... shut out and ignored. We all got together in big groups to play cards and the like, but it just... wasn't the same, and when they went out for munchies afterwards, I wasn't invited to ride with anyone.
If you bring up your feelings with Tricia, then you are heading for nothing but a long period of terribleness. You have to accept the fact that she's with someone else. She's happy. Is the entire dynamic of your friendship- not just with her, but the entire group of friends that is linked to her and you- worth losing over you taking a chance to confess your feelings on the absolute longshot that she'd happily respond and dump a two-year relationship for just so she can fall madly in love with you?
This is what being an adult is all about- being able to move on and accept things like this. Tricia is happy. Put her happiness first, tell your heart- and your bits- to shut up, and think it through rationally.
Then move on and accept it. Be friends with them, be happy for them, but don't be that creepy guy.
They still don't talk to me. I've apologized so many times, but... they still won't talk to me. Don't be that guy.
Don't be me.
I can has cheezburger, yes?
I personally had a bad habit of crushing hard in the past, and have over my life. Its made it easier for me to realize that when I like those people, there isn't going to be some event that makes me stop, I tend to like people who are kind and open and wouldn't do something in the short term that makes them distasteful. My only job is to respect the boundaries of people I like/love and keep myself healthy and happy, so I can love those people and still have my partner and continue merrily on.
The fact of the matter is you are in a relationship with her, and the terms are extremely clear. Whatever flaws Tricia has, you have already forgiven them and learned to live with them. You've entered that state of comfort in a long term relationship that keeps people in them past the initial honeymoon phase. You've really got to stick someone out to get there, and that requires time. It's going to be tough to give other people a chance until you spread out. If you are hanging out 1-1 a ton, its hard to do that.
You already respect her boundaries enough to know that you cannot change the terms of your relationship. You are her good friend and she relies on you for company. Its time for you to examine your own boundaries and figure out what you need to get out there and start dating again/more earnestly. Shes defined what shes comfortable with, and you need to do the same.
Keep a more expanded social circle, and when you have a more expanded group of friends, invite her out to group things. Include her partner as much as possible. If your friend asks you why you are acting "distant", the fair answer is you feel like you are ready to find someone new and really get back to dating, but you have to dedicate some more of your emotional energy into finding new friends if you want that to happen for you. This is a boundary that you are allowed to set and need to be willing to. If shes as kind and understanding as you say, she'll understand.
Relationships are difficult, being single can be both rewarding and punishingly lonely. Its a great time to be kind to yourself. If you dont have anyone you can talk this out with, see a therapist. Even if its in the short term only, just so you can get some of this shit of your chest and clean out the emotional slate. You need to take the time to think about whats next for you.
Also: It is not pathetic to have empathy, to love people, to want the best for them, and to have trouble with emotions. It is normal, and you shouldn't beat yourself up.
I had a crush where it took several years to ask them out, and they said no, and I accepted it and moved on and we remain super good friends - we even text every week or so and do holiday things together. My romantic feelings haven't changed, and won't, but there is no romantic relationship since she did not consent to one. I focus on the very real mutual friendship, and everyone is healthier and happier for it.
Either way, your long term happiness lies in dating someone who mutually likes you back.
JaysonFour:
I went through a similar rodeo with liking her and telling her -- while I wasn't ostracized, things were just different, and not in an enjoyable way.
Perhaps I wasn't clear enough in my original post, and for that I apologize. I harbor no illusions that she reciprocates feelings or wishes to be with me. I have no desire to make some dramatic declaration of love.
I'm beyond all of that. I'm trying to move on. The issue is that it's not as easy as merely willing the feelings away, so I'm more looking for ways to actionably move on from this scenario in a way that's best for my internal health, whether that be through ending the friendship or adopting some tactics to keep her in my life and improve my health.
Thank you for your input!
Iruka:
I found this tremendously useful. Thank you. I think a big, though suppressed, part of me knows that I have to spend less 1:1 time with her -- that's probably step numero uno in moving on. It's just difficult, and maybe even almost easier for me to imagine ending it all together than just scaling back, if that even makes sense on ANY level (just typing it seems insane to me). But I will absolutely start doing that. It's difficult being back, since all the friends I've made over the years are not in this city and her + her family are the only people who remain, but I'll put more of an effort into developing external friendships/relationships outside of her.
I did actually date someone for a few months earlier this year that seemed very promising! And I went on a few double dates with Tricia and her boyfriend. Unfortunately (actually, likely fortunately) it didn't work out, but I think having that brief fire-y relationship kind of reignited my desire for that sort of intimacy, and now that I'm single again, and spending oodles of time with Tricia, those reawakened feelings have found a home again with her. I'll more actively try to date again, though.
I appreciate all of your advice.
ceres:
I agree. This is what I suspected... as I said, this is my problem, and we've already been through this once before, and I just couldn't envision a positive outcome to being honest about me being in this predicament again with her.
I've always believed lying isn't innately immoral -- that is, when lying preserves a better outcome than the truth (a crass example is someone asking if their new haircut looks good or not... Unless it's someone I've known and feel amazingly comfortable with, there's no reason for my response to be anything other than positive).
Thank you!
Incenjucar:
This is very helpful, because I don't mind these feelings flaring up from time to time... I just didn't know if it was normal for other people to be in this situation and still have a healthy, preserved, trusting friendship. Hearing that you are super good friends with someone you have had/have a crush on because of your conscious choice to focus on the agreed-upon friendship aspect makes me feel that this is viable with Tricia, so long as I develop a positive and healthy way to address these feelings, both now and for when/if they do bubble up again.
Inquisitor77:
I appreciate this! I don't like to praise myself, and I have many, many flaws now, but when I look back at how I treated others, especially those who I had a romantic interest in, when I was younger, versus how I approach things now... Well, I'm just very glad I'm no longer that way. Thank you!
Fuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud:
I feel like I did too, though I think 90% of all advice-seeking is to validate the difficult choices we've already made but have trouble enacting until others support it.
You ask a very fair question that touches on something I struggled with often and still struggle with sometimes now... When I was younger, I got used to pining after those who did not and would not like me back, and I think I just got very used to that dynamic. It was safe, I guess, because I never really had to put myself out there.
The first person I liked after moving away, let's call her Sarah, was in a declining relationship when we first became friends. I developed a crush on her, and then she broke up with her boyfriend and told me she liked me, and I absolutely panicked, both in terms of anxiety but also even so far as losing interest in something romantic with her. Luckily there were no hard feelings, and we're still good friends now, but it proved very illuminating for me in terms of understanding how my past romantic history kind of preset my expectations of others. After Sarah, I took a more purposeful approach to relationships, and that has paid dividends into both how I develop interest in others and, more importantly, how I react when others express interest in me.
_____
Thank you, again, all of you, for taking the time to respond!
My plan is to continue being friends with Tricia, but severely cut back on 1:1 time, more actively cultivate an outside circle of friends and support in this new-old city, and hopefully more natural relationships will blossom from there. Essentially, I just need to be smarter about space. I may love hanging out with Tricia, but if we keep doing couple-y things, it's no wonder my inner thoughts late at night keep focusing on that instead of just enjoying her for the great friend that she is.