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Wacky girlfriend, and I really need some opinions.
DarkSymphony
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
ok, long story short I am seeing a beautiful and very fun girl. We definitely have strong feelings towards each other, but the more time goes on (we've been dating 1 year almost exactly), the more and more dependant of me she is for everything in her life. I have a full time job and am going to college very soon. at the latest, my school year will start next spring (if my applications and such were to late).
ok, the problem is she gets incredibly upset if I am late comming home from work due to my job being iffy with the hours they need me. Sometimes, things will happen before I get done that have to be taken care of and make me later than usual. We don't live together, so when I get home late, she gets very upset with me because I told her my shift ended at (whatever time I told her it ended). This has happened multiple times and she knows VERY well that work has me stay late every now and then. She has told me how on any given night, she is staying up and simply waiting for me to get home so she can talk to me in one way or another (AIM or phone calls). She gets upset because she then feels she wasted her night if I'm not home by the time she goes off to sleep.
She's taken her anger out on me personally and has blamed me for being the reason she is unhappy, because I don't get to spend as much time with her as she needs me to. I spend every single day off with her at her place or out and about, with her. I spend every day off that I do get, doing things with her and she's still very unhappy because I don't have more time to give. I told her she was being very unreasonable and flipped out. She was "hurt" because of the fact that I would even say such a thing.
She has essentially shunned away most of her friends in favor of spending more and more time with me and excluding them more and more. For this, she expect(ed) that I would do the same thing. To spend more time with her at the expense of the friends I've had for more than a decade. She feels hurt by feeling dissapointed constantly by the fact that I might go in on my day off and do some work that's needed to be done. She was very upset that I told her some college classes I might be taking are at night and will mean on those nights, I might not see her.
She told me verbatim "I'm unhappy with how much time you don't have for me, and to make me happy you need to find out what it is you need to change so that I can be happy". The apex of our arguments has culminated in my telling her she's being incredibly unreasonable. She's told me that I need to quit or get a different job with different hours if I'm to have enough time for her.
My question is simple. Is this normal? should I put up with this? am I the one at fault and not giving enough? I've had a few relationships before, but never have I seen someone so utterly dependant on me that I am basically the replacement friends that she shut out of her life.
(to give one example of what goes on:
I work until 9pm usually. I tell my GF in the mornings that I'll be done work at 9 or 9:30 at the latest. So, I stayed after work to hang out with a friend for a few minutes before going home and by the time I got home, it was about 25 minutes after I usually get home, and she was very upset. her only response to me saying "hey!" was "you said you would be home at 9:30. My night was ruined")
ok, the problem is she gets incredibly upset if I am late comming home from work due to my job being iffy with the hours they need me. Sometimes, things will happen before I get done that have to be taken care of and make me later than usual. We don't live together, so when I get home late, she gets very upset with me because I told her my shift ended at (whatever time I told her it ended). This has happened multiple times and she knows VERY well that work has me stay late every now and then. She has told me how on any given night, she is staying up and simply waiting for me to get home so she can talk to me in one way or another (AIM or phone calls). She gets upset because she then feels she wasted her night if I'm not home by the time she goes off to sleep.
She's taken her anger out on me personally and has blamed me for being the reason she is unhappy, because I don't get to spend as much time with her as she needs me to. I spend every single day off with her at her place or out and about, with her. I spend every day off that I do get, doing things with her and she's still very unhappy because I don't have more time to give. I told her she was being very unreasonable and flipped out. She was "hurt" because of the fact that I would even say such a thing.
She has essentially shunned away most of her friends in favor of spending more and more time with me and excluding them more and more. For this, she expect(ed) that I would do the same thing. To spend more time with her at the expense of the friends I've had for more than a decade. She feels hurt by feeling dissapointed constantly by the fact that I might go in on my day off and do some work that's needed to be done. She was very upset that I told her some college classes I might be taking are at night and will mean on those nights, I might not see her.
She told me verbatim "I'm unhappy with how much time you don't have for me, and to make me happy you need to find out what it is you need to change so that I can be happy". The apex of our arguments has culminated in my telling her she's being incredibly unreasonable. She's told me that I need to quit or get a different job with different hours if I'm to have enough time for her.
My question is simple. Is this normal? should I put up with this? am I the one at fault and not giving enough? I've had a few relationships before, but never have I seen someone so utterly dependant on me that I am basically the replacement friends that she shut out of her life.
(to give one example of what goes on:
I work until 9pm usually. I tell my GF in the mornings that I'll be done work at 9 or 9:30 at the latest. So, I stayed after work to hang out with a friend for a few minutes before going home and by the time I got home, it was about 25 minutes after I usually get home, and she was very upset. her only response to me saying "hey!" was "you said you would be home at 9:30. My night was ruined")
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Does she have a job? She sounds like she really needs you to live through and that isn't healthy for the relationship, shunning away her friends isn't a very good idea either.
Also
Also, that is selfish plain and simple you need to tell her this, make it known to her that you need time alone from her, not because you dislike her but because you enjoy talking and listening to other people and their opinions. In fact looking at this statement even closer if it was me I would be tempted to tell her to move on.
You have responsibilities, to your work, to your friends, to her and (most importantly) to your self. Tell her that she needs to recognise that she isn't the only thing in your life.
(Though it would be polite if she was expecting a call from you to send her a text message telling her you will be late)
Satans..... hints.....
I am amused to see this leading a solid page of text.
It isn't unreasonable for you to drop her a text/call if your schedule changes and that sounds like a small step to make her happy. Of course then we get to..
You will never make her happy. If she wants to be happy she needs her own life, with her own hobbies/interests and time away from you to be her own person. I've seen this happen to a number of girls who somehow reached the mid twenties of their lives and getting married without ever growing the fuck up. In short, she needs to make herself happy and while you can help that happen, you can't make it happen all by your lonesome.
This is big, deep talk area. I wish I had some resources to point you towards but if you can manage it couples counselor might be a good place to start. Yes, her demands are unreasonable and while it may be common I would not classify it with being normal.
Finally, we're all fucked up somehow and nobody is ever going to be perfect. If this is something you can live with (and I really mean live with, not cope, not ignore and not endure) then accept it. I wouldn't, you might.
In my small amount of experience I've seen a few relationships like this, and never been in one myself. Sadly none of them ended well; there's no way to "put up" with those kinds of demands and still maintain your life as you want it, especially when they seem to be getting worse.
If you're questioning on if any relationship should get that dependent, the answer is no, you should tell her that she needs to let you have some of your own time and if she can't handle that then she's about to find a whole bunch of her own free time to occupy. So long as you're not absolutely refusing to spend time with her and she's just demanding more time than you can possibly (and healthily) give, you are not at fault for her unhappiness and you shouldn't put up with her telling you so.
--she got INCREDIBLY upset with me because I said I had saturday off. I was on the schedule, but I had asked for the day off a month in advance so my boss said to me "oh don't worry, I'll switch it up so you have that day off". so, I figured that meant he was going to change it...but he never did. Friday night rolls around and the boss above him tells me I need to be there since no one told HIM that I needed the day off. So I tell the GF and she was almost in tears. Her day had been ruined 100% and then told me verbatim "You promised me that you had the day off, I just want you to know I'm very upset with you".
--I planned to have a party with a bunch of friends I had not seen in over 4 months. I told her this and that it was on a Saturday. She then tells me "but, that's a saturday, you know we spend saturdays together if you have them free". So, I figured I'll meet her halfway. I told her I would spend most of the day with her and then gather my peeps for party stuffs afterwards. She told me "You might as well not come over if you can't spend the whole day with me".
--I asked her that when she goes to Japan for 3 months next year, if it would be reasonable for me to be angry and upset about her not being able to talk or be with me when I want her to be, for that duration and she said "yes, that would be very reasonable, but I won't have to worry about that with you since you aren't like that". However, when I'm doing things that don't involve her, she is very upset that I didn't involve her (work, class-type stuff, friends, family events, etc.)
--I told her I was going to be at her house at 4pm one day. This was after I was to be done with my errands. I got to her house at 4:34 and (for the first 2 hours) was so unhappy she would barely say a word to me.
--I told her she was unreasonable for being personally angry with me about things completely out of my control and she completely lost it.
What I'm TRYING to do, is salvage this because I DO have very genuine feelings for her and don't want them wasted or don't want the feeling that something amazing could have happened.
I mean, how long has this been going on? It sounds like the more time she can suck away from you the more time she'll want to suck away from you. She needs to make some friends and spend time with other people, I can't see a relationship where one person gets THAT angry because you were late 34 minutes lasting.
Its normal to want something to work out, and I'm sure she has her good points, but you have to ask yourself just how worth it is she, since it seems like she won't be happy till your only friend is her.
This behavior isn't healthy.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
on any given day where she has nothing much to do, she will sit at home and just wait....and wait and wait until I get home, just so she has the chance to talk to me. She tells her friends "no" to hanging out because I might be home soon, or I might have that day off.
ugh.
To be fair as me and other people have said if you are going to be late it is polite to send a text message apologising for being late and warning her. If she does still give you the silent treatment, tell her "The night hasn't been ruined, I came here wanting to spend time with you, lets spend quality time together and not refuse to talk to each other." As tempting as it is to tell her flat out that she is being overly dramatic, for some reason I have found that women in general tend to get angry at you for that.
Firstly is there a reason you don't want to bring her along? If it's a guys only thing fair enough but if it's a mix of people then bring her along and let her socialise. Also suggest on nights that you go out with your friends that she rings up her friends and goes to see them.
Secondly ask her why only half a day of you is "pointless" you need to point out that your friends are important to you and that she is important to you, but you haven't seen them in over four months and that you'll still see her that day.
Ask her why the double standard exists and why it is fair for this to happen to you then.
While I'd say this is mostly her, by the sounds of it, all you do is hangout by yourself. Do you take her anywhere and see other people as a couple? Her complaining that you shun her when you go see your family may have some basis.
Satans..... hints.....
I agree with this statement, but it sounds like he's already tried to tell her to lay off him and that she's being unreasonable.
she's in High School. She's graduating soon, but she cannot go to parties with me because while living at home and (her not having a car) her parents refuse to let her go with me anywhere if it's me and her in the car by ourselves. they are affraid of rape. There is a big story about her mom (her mom was actually raped as a kid). So, going to parties with her is 100% out of the question right now. the ONLY thing I can do when I see her, is be at her place. No, she does not have a job. She never has.
This therein lies the problem of hanging out with my friends and not her.
I'm sure if you go up and quietly talk to the girls father how you understand her rule, and ask occasionally for special permision to take her to your place for a family thing it will be at least considered.
Edit: if it's by yourselves why don't you invite some friends along, you can do something stupid like bowling.
Satans..... hints.....
A bunch of other friends and I originally had no problem with our friend's girlfriend, but as time wore on, she began to essentially monopolize his time. We all got rather resentful of this, and our contact with our mutual friend just kind of disappeared. I've tried to confront him about this, and later my other friends and I tried together to confront him about this (i.e. "we've been friends for 9 years, you get a girlfriend and you never see us again? what the shit?") but the guy is so passive and easily dominated, she says jump and he asks how high.
You sound like you are in a similar situation. My only real recommendation is a) don't let her cut out your friends or family, and, b) don't let her guilt you into spending incredible amounts of time with her. If you want to spend time together, fine, that's cool, but when she plays the guilt card, I'd say it's time to give yourself some alone time. I also agree with Thanatos, in that you should really talk to her and explain that she needs to lay off, retract claws, and broaden her social horizons.
Also, if all else fails:
I've been talking to a friend of mine as well and he's saying all the same things.
"she can't fathom the idea of you spending time with someone else other than her? my god, that's ridiculous"
and
"she's telling you to push everything aside and make her happy first, then YOU happy second"
well, being that I told her she's being unreasonable last night and she hung up on me being really pissed, I'll see how my day with her tommorow goes.
Satans..... hints.....
or you can be a dick and tell her that her going to japan is going to make you so upset, you can't be with her anymore. maybe that'll shock her into seeing what she's like. and if she doesn't go to japan and stays clingy be all <nelson>"ha ha"</nelson> and leave her anyway.
hehe. actually go with the first suggestion, but younger me would totally do the second.
:^: she definitely needs to learn how to take a step back and run her own life. Has she ever been single for any period of time after her first relationship, or is she just jumping from person to person? A lot of people do the latter, especially the early-starters, and it tends to make them a little clingy and insecure. Not usually this bad, though
if you want some communication tips for getting through to her without setting her off, books like Verderber and Verderber's 'Inter-act' can be very helpful. Your local library should have one or two half-decent interpersonal communication books like that.
What's worse is that if she wasn't just sitting and waiting, she might have a legitimate complaint. As an example, my wife is in science grad school and often has a very flexible workday. Meaning that she usually works long hours and doesn't know exactly when she's going to finish. During the colder months, as we only own one car, I will get home from work and then just bum around until she's finished. Sometimes she's doing very long, busy experiments that don't give her a chance to call. Even though I know she's busy and that I can just do whatever until she's done, on the long days I kind of just stagnate until I hear from her. I don't want to start anything on my own, including dinner, because I don't want to start anything involved only to get a phone call 5 minutes after starting.
I've told her that it's kind of annoying but that I also know there's nothing she can do about getting stuck on something, and she's tried to fill me in on more details earlier in the day. I've told her that the time itself doesn't bother me, it's the randomness of not knowing.
In a lot of ways, it's like throwing a party at, say, 6, and having the first person show up right on time. No one else shows up until quarter to 7. What do you do for those 45 minutes? You just kind of... do nothing.
So if you working long or random hours was the only complaint, I could see where she's coming from -- it can really put someone in a sour mood if they're not expecting it. The rest of it, though -- just waiting for you to get off work without doing anything on her own? That's where the problem is, if you ask me. She shouldn't schedule her life so that the ONLY thing that happens is spending time with you. What's worse is that since it's a high school relationship, nothing's going to change until well after graduation, because after she graduates she's just going to be stuck at home all day. Either she gets a job for the summer (which sounds unlikely) or she simply waits... and waits... every day of the summer until you get a free moment. And if you don't tell her where you are at every step, she'll get upset.
So yeah, you need to talk to her (in person) and tell her that she can't have "spending time with you" be the only thing she does during the day. If you love her, tell her so, and say that you're so busy with work that you can't just have her sit at home all day waiting. That she needs to read books, or develop a hobby, or go out with friends more often. Say that you're thinking about her but that you both know your schedule is variable and that while you want to spend time with her, you don't want her just wasting away at home doing nothing.
If she balks and says that she wants you to get a different job still, realize that what she wants is for you to probably get no job and/or get her out of her parent's place.
I'm pretty certain that nothing's going to change, though, until she moves out of her parent's house.
Honestly, though, if you both don't go to the same university I don't see this relationship working out. If it doesn't work out make sure you let her know why. It might knock some sense into her.
Break up with her ASAP.
Eventually just had to tell her to get a hobby, some friends, or just otherwise be able to do something sometimes that didn't include me. She didn't take that well but it worked out ok eventually.
PSN: Broichan
Like said before, the best thing is to talk about. Hopefully your girl is capable of talking about things because my was not.
Give her a chance to fix the situation, but also don't put up with it forever. You only get one life and one youth, and you don't want to spend a long period of time miserable when you really don't have to, but you also don't want to be rash and just leave her without giving her a chance to understand and change.
Basically, my advice is: Make your decision by gauging her response to your discussion. If she seems indignant, and unwilling to change, then assume it's over and break it off. If she seems willing, then give her one more chance.
girls like this are not fun, just wait until she starts a personal war with one of your parents. If you want to keep hanging out with her I would suggest you tell her that you are willing to hang out with her, but that she should start seeing other people and you do so as well.
if you are smart, you would get rid of her like a bomb waiting to go off and move on. women like this are really not worth it.
1) Do NOT tell her she's being unreasonable. The second you do this, she's going to feel like you're not listening to her and will stop listening to you. Seriously, while it may be true, stay away from this word and anything like it. You can say that you don't understand why she's acting the way she is, but that's it.
2) Reassure her that your relationship is secure. A lot of times, people become clingy because they are afraid of losing the other person. This may not be the case here, but it's likely something she'd like to hear nontheless.
3) Explain how you feel - don't attack her. Make sure you use words like "I feel'. I know it's cheesy and cliche, but in this case it may be your best bet for not upsetting her. For example, I feel like I can't give you as much time as you want and that makes me sad, guilty, frustrated, etc.
4) Provide solutions you can both contribute to. When you're speaking to her, try to come with solutions and not just problems. Also, make sure you talk about things you can do to make the situation better. For example, texting or calling when you're going to be late or promising her that one day a week will for just the two of you unless something very important comes up and that if you need to change it, you'll let her know it's a possibility as soon as you know. These kinds of suggestions on your part might make her more open to thinking what she could do to help the situation.
The problem is that no matter how many of my days off she gets, it's never enough.
One week I was with her 4 days. I called out sick one day so she could have me be around. that was a mistake because of how small my paycheck was. However, I was with her 4 days and then at work the other 3. It just wasn't enough, she was still really upset with me and told me I don't give her enough days.
I already did call her unreasonable :P I guess now that I look at it, it was a mistake, but it seriously is the truth. She really WAS being unreasonable. She was pissed at me personally for having to work late. How do I defend that? how do I say "you're right, there should never be a time I have to work more than the exact alloted time"?
I won't make the mistake of calling her that again, but seriously...no matter how much time I give her it's not enough. I don't see her during the day while she's at school and she thinks the time we DO see each other, is nowhere near sufficient. I *cannot* do anything about that. I could go see her at school by just walking in but that would result in me being kicked out.
I'd say try to explain this to her but if she just doesn't get it or refuses to accept it, there is likely nothing you can do to have a happy successful relationship together.
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I don't know her family situation but it sounds like if she's unable to leave the house comfortably due to super-strict parents, she's using you as an escape. Even married people don't spend every waking moment together -- they go to work, they end up sometimes away for the weekend, whatever. I'm worried that she's spending all of this time with you not because she's infatuated but because of some other reason. You don't make it sound like the time you spend over at her house is really fantastic. Like, if she was always full of energy and had tons of plans and kept you really excited and interested when you were over at her house visiting, you'd probably not be posting this.
So try just putting your foot down and telling her that since it's driving her crazy when you don't know what your schedule will be, give her a very structured schedule for everything. Phone calls at X time lasting for Y minutes, visiting on P day for Q hours and doing R activities. Don't give her an opportunity to say that your variability at work is ruining her days.
Let her go. Not all girls are like this, at all. You are just in high school and have a lot of living left to do, no girl should make requests as unreasonable as that. The fact that you're posting at all, means that you see that it's a bad thing, and it probably isn't going to get any better.
Definitely true.
Play the field freshman soph years, find some good girls in your junior and senior years maybe you'll have a wifey.
To be honest, she sounds like she is in high school. Girls in high school are... unreasonable.
This man knows what he is talking about. His advice is practical. Follow it to the letter. (although the name "witch" might belong to a female here, I don't know).
It comes down to this: in relationship arguments men tend to argue logically whereas women tend to think with more of an emotional basis. You have to learn to change your frequency from "logical" to "emotional". The point is that you want to let her know that you understand how she feels, and in turn explain how you feel, and finally show her that you are not trying to tackle the problems you two are having on an abstract, distant, logical level.