I'm a kid, he's an old man.

CaptainLuffy

Before any of you make an assumption that I'm with some grandpa, hear me out.

I've been in a relationship with a guy for a couple months who is 22, and really mature for his age. He's in his now fifth year in a really good tech uni (Wont name what it is, but it's up there), and is already making plans with his best friend to start a dot com buisness. He has an awesome job he can stick with his whole life and not have to ever worry. He makes pratically straight A's and B's without even trying, and basically excels at everything he does. He also does the UFC fighting stuff with his friends, and competes on a semi-professional level.

I'm a 19 year old girl who has just changed her major, and is starting all over at a local college. (I should have recieved my AA in Computer Science this last semester) I work as a waitress and although I'm great at saving I struggle with money some (I just got informed I was going to be a brides maid in my best friend's wedding, and it's only in a couple of months, so I have to buy everything myself and it's quite expensive). I did not make great grades in high school and have really bad ADHD. I struggle heavily in math and it's just the bane of my existance.

Now that you have an idea of who we are, my boyfriend (Who we'll call Thomas) is one of the most loving and wonderful men I've met in a long time, and one of the most mature. It's good and bad at times, because sometimes I feel like he treats me like a kid. For example he's really critical of how I drive, and that in turn makes me exremely nervous to drive thus I mess up. It turns into a vicious circle.

I also some times feel like when I'm around his friends I can't really be myself. Most of them have graduated college already and are starting families and careers. As much as I do want a family and a career, I just can't relate to them on that level, so I just sort of sit there when they get together.

Thomas has expressed that he loves me very much and that I'm the girl he could see himself with in the future, so I know he's there for me when I'm in my time of growing, but along the way he sort of treats me like I'm a child becasue of my age and inexperience. I'm a very intelligent person, but I'm just scared to show it some times because I don't want to be shot down. I also want him to have confidence in me to be able to do things on my own and do them right, and it just feels like he's expecting the worse to happen.

I've tried to talk to him about it before, but sometimes I feel like he shuts down, or thinks that I'm in the wrong for thinking that way. Along with his maturity in life he has alot of immaturity when it comes to his pride.

What I'm asking is for tips on how to talk to him and get him to open up a little on how he treats me sometimes.

Hooraydiation

Honestly, without assuming that you haven't really been trying, it's hard for me to see this as anything but a fundamental inability for you two to communicate quite as clearly as you'd like.

Anyway, while I'm sure there are some suggestions about how to facilitate better communication between you too, I'm inclined to believe that, at this stage, it might just be that the relationship isn't that good of a match.

While he sounds great, it's just as important to find someone who can be considered an equal as it is to find someone secure, mature, and able to kill dudes with his fists. When two people clearly don't consider themselves equals, it can lead to the kind of treatment you describe.

I mean, maybe he treats you like a kid because he sees you as one. You don't, after all, accidentally act that way towards someone.

Pheezer

He probably doesn't realize that he's treating you any way at all. It sounds like you're making a lot of assumptions on his behalf, actually. This is sort of telling for me:
"I'm a very intelligent person, but I'm just scared to show it some times because I don't want to be shot down. I also want him to have confidence in me to be able to do things on my own and do them right, and it just feels like he's expecting the worse to happen."

You're giving him the opposite of the impression that you want to give here.

Just walking up to him and being all "you treat me like I'm dumb" is probably going to elicit a defensive "no I don't what the fuck" response.

Odds are you don't realize that you're not expressing your intelligence, and odds are your fear of being wrong, or shot down, or whatever comes off as a lack of confidence, so now you look like a quiet, flighty girl instead of a smart, confident one. And so that's how he treats you most likely without even realizing it (actually I can almost guarantee he has no idea).

I don't want to be all "you're bad at being a person" because I'm sure you're not, but there's another side to this that you aren't seeing.

MichaelLC

Speaking as someone who's been in some May-Decmeber relationships (20 years), your's really isn't unless you or him make a big deal over it.

I think pheezer FD got it when they said you're probably giving the opposite impression that you want. Maybe you're trying too hard to act/sound mature, and it's coming off as a litte girl trying to wear her mommy's heels.

Maturity comes from both one's actions; taking care of others, acccting responsibilty, etc., and one's mental state too. Just because someone does know all the Rules of The Road, a mature person in a relationship approaches the situation differnently; they'll find a way to correct without tearing down/insulting anyone.

Just a final observation; you refer to yourself as a "girl" throughout your post, but he's a "man". Age alone doesn't make anyone automattically into a "woman" or a "man".

Echo

MichaelLC wrote: »

Just a final observation; you refer to yourself as a "girl" throughout your post, but he's a "man". Age alone doesn't make anyone automattically into a "woman" or a "man".

Heck, I'm 27 and feel damn strange when people call me "man". :P

Aldo

Echo wrote: »

MichaelLC wrote: »

Just a final observation; you refer to yourself as a "girl" throughout your post, but he's a "man". Age alone doesn't make anyone automattically into a "woman" or a "man".

Heck, I'm 27 and feel damn strange when people call me "man". :P

You are the man, though.

I'm curious though, how is Thomas around your friends? Is he able to have a conversation with them or is he the one quietly sitting on a chair?

Blake T

Really age only has a vauge indicator on how mature people are, I'm 23 and have some friends who are the same age as me who are mature as they were when they were 18. And I know some 18 year olds who are just plain deep. Maturity comes from alot of places, general world experience, how level you can be in situations, how willing you are to listen to other people. Old does not equal mature.

There are 40 year old people out there who are addicted to drugs and forced to live on cat food, they aren't mature, they're just old.

In terms of your driving, are you a bad driver? If you think you are have you thought about defensive driving courses? If you are a good driver, have you asked him to shut the hell up and not break your concentration while driving?

Feral

Blaket wrote: »

In terms of your driving, are you a bad driver?

Most bad drivers don't know that they're bad drivers. And I've known plenty of bad passengers, too.

To the OP: the way to deal with this is on a case by case basis. Don't lump every issue together in with the age difference, it'll just drive you and him crazy. Instead, the next time something comes up that makes you feel like he's disrespecting you, bring it up but stick to the situation at hand. Don't paint it as though it's a pattern (even if you feel like it is) and try to offer him a suggestion as to how he could have handled the situation better.

witch_ie

Based on what you've told us about him, I think the best way to handle this situation is to present it as a problem you're having with yourself to him. Explain to him that you're experiencing a lot of self-doubt right now and that you're not sure if it's just because it's normal when you're 19 or because you're surrounded by a bunch of 22 year olds who seem to have their lives on track when you're just starting out.

Do NOT tell him that he's making you feel this way. Based on what you've said, if you do this, he will shut down and not listen, justifying his critiques of you to himself.

Then, ask him if he can help with you this - whether he has any suggestions for you. Essentially, this approach, while not the most straight forward may get you the results you want. He will see that you're having a problem, like most guys, probably want to solve it for you, and will be more cognizant of things he might do or say that will make you doubt your own capabilities.

Sonos

let him know that 22 year olds are idiots in as much as 19 years olds are. there really is no difference between the two outside of certain legalities.

you are 19 I would find somebody more fun.

EggyToast

Yeah I'm with pheezer on this one. If you're intelligent and confident only when you're by yourself, then that's not confidence. Confidence is standing up for yourself and your knowledge/abilities when the situation presents itself.

The big problem here is that he's sweet to you as he sees you now. If you stand up for yourself and become more confident, he may not be into that. You need to look out for yourself first, though, and you do that by asserting yourself.

You do seem inexperienced though because you're doubting yourself and your role in the relationship. He says he likes you and you say you need to speak up for yourself. That's not a dilemma, that's you not sticking up for yourself but asking a forum instead. You don't show confidence by talking about it, you get it by doing.

What's worse is that you may very well be showing this confidence and intelligence, but he shoots you down because he's not comfortable around assertive women. My wife is hell of intelligent, and I know the only things I can criticize her on are cooking (because I do 95% of it). Even then, it's tips and advice, not "geez this is horrible what are you even thinking."

I know you're a romantic from your previous threads, but keep this in mind -- someone can say they love someone and act sweet while still being psychologically abusive. I'm not saying he's being mean to you, but he may subconsciously view women as being of lesser intelligence or ability. That could be a tough one to deal with if you're an assertive female.

edited to add: also, don't confuse confidence with maturity. Just because someone can be cocky or sure in their decisions doesn't mean they're mature. Maturity means understanding how your actions have consequences, which he apparently doesn't when it comes to his comments towards you. I will admit that graduating from college puts one in an entirely different mindframe from an undergrad, at least it did for me and my friends. For instance, after my first year in college I never had any interest in high school girls, since talking about teachers had no bearing for me. And after leaving college, the notion of homework disappeared and I realized that I had accomplished something pretty significant. Age isn't all that important for compatibility, but rather similar experiences (such as graduating college, etc.).