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Zephos
Climbin in yo ski lifts, snatchin your people up.MichiganRegistered User regular
Climbin in yo ski lifts, snatchin your people up.MichiganRegistered User regular
yeah, sweet, i'm sure you are all super excited for another girl thread, but i just need some outside, objective opinions.
First the basics:
We've been together basically for 4 years now. We are both 22. This is the longest relationship for either of us, I'm her first, she isn't mine.
now the situation:
We met at home in michigan shortly after high school, introduced by a mutual friend time goes on and we are now dating, we have an amazing relationship, 4 years and honest to god probably only 3 or 4 real "serious" fights we just work very well together and i never have felt so "at home" with someone.
We go off to college and wind up in chicago, i came here first, she followed, not necessarily because of me, she found a school for something she was interested in in the city and came here. We have our ups and downs, but like i said 93% of the time, we are ups.
flash forward to the beginning of this year and i realize that the school I'm at is just fucking shitty for me, i don't enjoy it and my performance is showing as much. so i decide that come may i have to quit.
she offers me a spot (temporary of course, and i go in knowing this) at her place so that brings us to now. I understand I've overstayed my welcome, not necessarily out of any intent or anything, but i've been living with her for about a month now, and finally have the last bit of plans in place to be moving home within the next week and a half or so.
so on with the issue.
Not completely out of the blue, as i could tell something was up, or has been up for a bit now. (probably had the inklings that something was up after only about a week of staying with her) she says that when i go home, we need to go on a break. from what i can discern its an open ended "i need to find myself" type of thing. where we are not bound to being exclusive with each other. Obviously this isn't my idea, so I'm fairly hurt by it, but i understand and encourage her need for space and her desire to have a life outside of me.
I know the non exclusive to each other thing is a sort of open end for her, I'm her first and i do know that sometimes she gets frustrated she doesn't have more "experience." But it kills me to have to think about that, considering i know she isn't the type of "1 night stand" girl, which means that she would be seriously dating other people for that. which from what i can tell by what she is telling me, isn't what she wants anyway. (personal space and freedom and all that jazz.)
i know there is all that "if you love something let it go" bullshit, but to me that only works in a perfect world, which we are not in. Real people move on, or find someone else.
through it all we still love each other, (as she says she does) and she insists this break would be about her finding herself and finishing her schooling (another 3 months and she is done).
It kills me because our one main difference is in this sort of area, when the going get tough, the tough get going. I look to other people for help, and for the last 4 years its mainly been her (and i'm needing support right now due to the whole college dropout thing). but she withdrawals a bit and tends to contradict herself over what she needs to do.
She's not my only "support" but fucking hell, she is quite a bit of my main support.
(TL: DR she wants a break, i dont, at the same time i want to help her as much as i can in the hope that we eventually can get back together.)
i mean, does this sound like a dead end, no win for me? is there hope? what can i do to be more accommodating?
where it really starts to mull over in me is the little things, like i'm on her phone plan, i'll be leaving a TV, DVD player, and a PS2 with her, little shit like that were i'm like "oh fuck it i should just take it all and be done with it." But of course thats not what i want.
First the basics:
We've been together basically for 4 years now. We are both 22. This is the longest relationship for either of us, I'm her first, she isn't mine.
now the situation:
We met at home in michigan shortly after high school, introduced by a mutual friend time goes on and we are now dating, we have an amazing relationship, 4 years and honest to god probably only 3 or 4 real "serious" fights we just work very well together and i never have felt so "at home" with someone.
We go off to college and wind up in chicago, i came here first, she followed, not necessarily because of me, she found a school for something she was interested in in the city and came here. We have our ups and downs, but like i said 93% of the time, we are ups.
flash forward to the beginning of this year and i realize that the school I'm at is just fucking shitty for me, i don't enjoy it and my performance is showing as much. so i decide that come may i have to quit.
she offers me a spot (temporary of course, and i go in knowing this) at her place so that brings us to now. I understand I've overstayed my welcome, not necessarily out of any intent or anything, but i've been living with her for about a month now, and finally have the last bit of plans in place to be moving home within the next week and a half or so.
so on with the issue.
Not completely out of the blue, as i could tell something was up, or has been up for a bit now. (probably had the inklings that something was up after only about a week of staying with her) she says that when i go home, we need to go on a break. from what i can discern its an open ended "i need to find myself" type of thing. where we are not bound to being exclusive with each other. Obviously this isn't my idea, so I'm fairly hurt by it, but i understand and encourage her need for space and her desire to have a life outside of me.
I know the non exclusive to each other thing is a sort of open end for her, I'm her first and i do know that sometimes she gets frustrated she doesn't have more "experience." But it kills me to have to think about that, considering i know she isn't the type of "1 night stand" girl, which means that she would be seriously dating other people for that. which from what i can tell by what she is telling me, isn't what she wants anyway. (personal space and freedom and all that jazz.)
i know there is all that "if you love something let it go" bullshit, but to me that only works in a perfect world, which we are not in. Real people move on, or find someone else.
through it all we still love each other, (as she says she does) and she insists this break would be about her finding herself and finishing her schooling (another 3 months and she is done).
It kills me because our one main difference is in this sort of area, when the going get tough, the tough get going. I look to other people for help, and for the last 4 years its mainly been her (and i'm needing support right now due to the whole college dropout thing). but she withdrawals a bit and tends to contradict herself over what she needs to do.
She's not my only "support" but fucking hell, she is quite a bit of my main support.
(TL: DR she wants a break, i dont, at the same time i want to help her as much as i can in the hope that we eventually can get back together.)
i mean, does this sound like a dead end, no win for me? is there hope? what can i do to be more accommodating?
where it really starts to mull over in me is the little things, like i'm on her phone plan, i'll be leaving a TV, DVD player, and a PS2 with her, little shit like that were i'm like "oh fuck it i should just take it all and be done with it." But of course thats not what i want.
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I've been there, man, and I know it sucks, but really, there isn't much that can be done. Essentially, when someone says they want "a break", what they mean is, they need to be away from a relationship but don't want to lose you altogether. Therefore, a break of some kind IS going to happen, and if you fight "the break" concept, you could end up broken up completely, which may or may not be better or worse, depending on how you feel.
In my case, we broke it off completely, and I'm glad we did in the end. But that may not be the same for you.
As for your stuff, I would say, take your stuff with you. A "break" is, essentially, a break-up BUT with the intention of getting back together at some future time. Which means, while you are on the break, you are essentially single, and shouldn't have to give up your stuff. If she has a problem with this, then something is really wrong. She should understand that side of it.
The phone plan thing was a problem with my break as well, and at first, I just mailed a check for my half at the end of the month to her, and she paid the whole thing on her card and cashed my check. Then, once we decided to make the break permanent, I just told her to cancel my line and I threw away the phone and got my own plan. I'd suggest a similar setup.
And finally, don't be so heart-broken. This really may be something she truly needs. 22 is really young, and if you're her first, she may feel like she's been missing out on a LOT, and if you try to keep her from doing this, she may end up resenting you for it.
And one other thing... The "if you love it, set it free" concept is NOT bullshit and is NOT dependant on a perfect world... It is a remark on the PERSON you love, and nothing more... If you love someone, set them free (in other words, don't suffocate them by holding too tight or being controlling)... If they come back, they belong to you (meaning, if they really love you, they either won't go away, or will come back if they did), if they don't, they were never yours (meaning, if the really DON'T love you, they will go away and not have a need to come back).
I find it a very valid statement, and one of the very few cliches that have grounding in real-life experiences. Being controlling and obsessive only drive people away... You need to let them live, and if they really love you, then they will find a way to live WITH you all on their own.
The important thing to remember when making a life altering decision like leaving school is to make sure that you're moving towards something and not just away. Do you want to go to another school or start working in a specific area right now? Think of all the possibilities that wouldn't just be "settling" for something.
With regard to your stuff, definitely take it all with you. First of all, if you do end up breaking, it's easier to do now than later. Secondly, it shows that you're taking the break seriously and it really does give her a break from you and your lifestyle - the chance to really be her own person. For the phone plan, continue sharing it for the next three mionths as misbehavin suggested. This will give you guys a chance to talk every now and then and show that you don't want to sever all ties with her, but want to respect her wish for freedom.
In short, take this time to focus on you, don't worry about the relationship. You already know that you're committed, give her the 3 months she needs to know if she is.
if you don't, you'll regret it later.
I've heard the "find myself" speech twice. I still have stuff I wish I had even after almost 10 years.
My advice is to move on now. There is always, always hope and if you love her and want her enough maybe you can wait. I wouldn't recommend it though.
If she really had super strong feelings for you she wouldn't be saying these things.
I agree this is the case most of the time, but not always. A friend of mine had a girl who still had an EX boyfriend on the brain, and she felt it was unfair to stay together with the new BF if she wasn't committed, so they took a break, and she just went to school and stayed single. Essentially, she felt she rushed into her new relationship too fast, and wasn't over her ex. I am friends with both of them, so I can attest that she wasn't after any new guys, but just wanted to be alone for a while.
And occasionally, the person just feels trapped (I've had this feeling before) and need to feel single again, not to date other people, but to feel free.
my money is actually on this one, living together has been somewhat tough on her. I love every minute of it and do my best to help around the house and whatnot. but she just needs her space, is what she says.
there is a slight chance it could be someone else, but really, i doubt it. i mean i know most of, if not all of her friends.
i guess that could be a river in egypt, but I'm fairly certain.
When this happened to me when I was 19, we didn't get back together, but it was because SHE moved on after I initiated the break, not the other way around. I didn't mind too much, as I had liked being single, but after a few months break, I was willing to give it another go if she was. She just wasn't, is all.
Give her space. Just go with the flow, honestly. Act single for a while: Hang with friends everyday, stay up late playing video games instead of watching romantic movies (fucking girls... lol), go on road-trips, live it up. If she tries to call you, talk to her, but other than that, just live your life. You may find you like it just as much as she needs it, too.
i feel like i should, we'll see though.
See, this raises all kinds of red-flags for me! Like, ALL kinds!
If SHE initiated the break, then you have absolutely no reason NOT to take your stuff. She essentially wants to break up for a short time... So, you take each others stuff. If you lived together and now one of you is moving out, you move your stuff out... Period.
This really shouldn't be an issue... If she gets mad again, ask her why she's getting mad? If she wants you around, then that's different, but if she wants your stuff and not you, then that's all kinds of fucked up.
Take this time to do some shit on your own, figure out where you're going (especially with what sounds like a major decision about continuing school or not), and let things happen as they do. If it works out that she just needed some time, and you can reconnect in a few months, that's cool. If not, there's nothing you can do, and holding on to it will just make it harder.
not gonna lie, i've been living here rent free for the most part, i've given her as much money as i could with my part time, shit for pay job, but it still doesnt equal what i'd be paying for splitting the rent or anything. Although thinking it over i have given her quite a bit (in which we turn around and use for groceries and whatnot.)
Oh, and if i take the TV, DVD player and PS2 it leaves her with only a TV that doesnt have a remote, so she cant watch DVD's on it even if she had a player.
Quite frankly, that doesn't matter. At all. You were in a relationship, she was not your landlord. It's not like she suddenly has rights over your stuff because you were living with her rent free. If she had a problem with it, she should have kicked you out. Now that you're not together (even if only temporary), you take your stuff. Period.
Seriously, it shouldn't be your concern if she has a nice TV or not... That's her concern now. If she wants your help, financially or emotionally, she will need to ask for it, and not assume she's entitled.
If you're ok with giving it up, then that's your decision, but don't ever assume you owe it to her, because that's flat-out foolish.
If she wants a DVD player, she can shell out the $10 it'll cost her to get a universal remote. I have a 15-year-old TV that I did that for, no problem.
but like you guys said, i'd feel better taking it i think, and i really dont feel like i owe it to her to leave it.
the PS2 however is mine, i had it at her house since i had bought the 360 and she liked the games on the ps2 i had.
i'm kinda just playing it like i feel for now, might as well let her know how i feel. at the same time, come moving day i'm sure she's just gonna be like "oh well okay, dont call for a month or so."
I can see why the situation would make you want to be more generous to her, but I think that if you leave ANYTHING with her at this point, you have to understand that you may never get it back. This isn't because she's trying to steal from you or anything like that, it's just how these things go down sometimes.
Also, she asked for a break. This means you and your belongings go your separate ways so that she can see what life is like on her own - without you and anything you bring to her life. For yourself, with all the decisions you need to make, you really don't need the added hassle of trying to get your stuff back from her later whether or not you guys break up.
Her getting more use out of these items than you would is not a good reason for her to keep them in this circumstance. Sure, if you were going home to take the pressure off her and figure out your life, fine. But you're also leaving because she wants a break. It's a very different situation and if she didn't realize what the consequences of asking for a break would be, that's her fault. Also, if giving up your toys is more of a burden to her than not seeing you, I think you probably want to re-evaluate your relationship anyway.
she's at work right now till like 9 at night, (hence why the thread was made today :P) i think i'll talk with her about it tonight.
If she wants you two to simply have less contact so she can simply focus on school, that's different. If she wants to take a break from dating with the idea that she could potentially see other people, then that's a breakup and you should take your stuff. And if she protests, you say "YOU said you wanted a break from me, and that you wanted to see about seeing other people. That means you don't want to see me from a relationship standpoint. So why should you have my stuff around, just reminding you of me? YOU said you wanted a clean slate for a while."
Most people who are really into each other don't need "breaks," mind, which is where this advice is coming from. If she was really into you she'd simply say that finals are coming up and that she can't be on the phone with you non-stop when you move back home, but that she still loves you. She apparently wants to consider seeing other guys.
How is that different from saying "Hi boyfriend. We need to see other people." Most people call that a breakup.
my mom is also a real softie "dont want to do it out of spite" and all that. which i dont, but still, thanks mom ><
Listen this will be alittle harsh, but you should really be looking at this as a break up. When you move out, cut contact with her and don't stop living your life. Don't wait around for a call that may never come. And don't let yourself miss any opportunities that come about.
Also, make sure it is crystal clear that a break is NOT what you want. If you act wishy-washy about this, like "Uh, ok, i guess you might need some space of your own" then she might start to fool herself into thinking you arent really that into her anyway, then she wont feel that into you, then the break is permanent when it might not have to be.
Finally, and i didnt see this being brought up (if it was, i'm sorry!). Is it possible she's unhappy with you leaving school? That she might be perceiving that you have no direction, and your future together will be a struggle because of this? Or that she might end up having to support you both? Have you talked about that at all? Its all good and well to go down the 'if she really loved me she would support me...' path, but really its not unreasonable that this might be a big issue for her. Now i realise i've made a number of assumptions there, so just take that as you will.
Uh-oh... I hope everything is ok, man! I've been there...
The story and the people involved seem strangely familiar..
basically
i really appreciate the advice from you guys.
i've taken some time to think this over. i'm going to refrain from posting my blowout here. i respect this girl very much and i want a chance to talk it over with her.
Don't forget that we are here to help (well, offer our own advice) about this, and that we are all pushing for you.
The word "blowout" leads me to believe that the outcome is not one that you agree with. Having recently suffered a blowout of my own.. it sucks like hell but you have to do your best to keep your head up.
the weird thing is i have no qualms coming here and asking you all. Complete strangers. i suppouse thats what this forum is all about, but i have live friends i wouldn't talk to about this.
I'm a person very in love with the idea of fate or destiny, at the same time i feel like you have control over those things. Juxtaposing views thats for sure. Maybe therein lies my problem. My capacity and desire to love eventually smothers that which i care about.
In my eyes. My naive 22 year old eyes. This girl is worth fighting for. worth saving. I've exhausted myself trying to do just that. And you cant save something that doesn't want to be saved.
this is just me rambling i guess >.<
Still, i'll lime this: "And you cant save something that doesn't want to be saved." There's personal sacrifice in order to help someone you love achieve something in themselves. Good examples of this are monetary sacrifices so one can complete school, or weekends alone while they're traveling for a job. But there's also many people who will waste their time on someone who only thinks of themselves and not of the other person at all, such as a bad gambling habit ruining a relationship.
Just as long as there's no boat involved, in which case we can probably rustle up some old threads.
I concur with you belk, if she can't take living with the guy for a month then yeah that's a relationship doomed.
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