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Appropriate gift for grieving friend?
Klein
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I have a friend who recently lost a loved one, it's a sad situation for the family. Right now it is difficult to be there and support them because of COVID, so I am trying to come up with how to support their family. I know that after the loss of a loved one, people bring food over, but that drops off. Would it be appropriate to get a generous gift card to a nearby nice restaurant so they can get take out/delivery, along with a card? I figure that they can get meals later and the food wouldn't go to waste.
If anyone has any other gift suggestions I would appreciate it, I am kind of at a loss I can do. I would like to try and get something that could be used later as I know families get a lot of support initially, but that dries up. Is there a grocery delivery service that I could buy a gift card for?
If anyone has any other gift suggestions I would appreciate it, I am kind of at a loss I can do. I would like to try and get something that could be used later as I know families get a lot of support initially, but that dries up. Is there a grocery delivery service that I could buy a gift card for?
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The giving food has a couple of meaning behind it; it's something that's 'easy' to do, it shows a commitment of time by the giver, and it's one less thing the receiver had to think about.
Unfortunately gift cards don't really do that. If you think it's a money issue, then yes go for it. But it's more about having to think about what to eat, then ordering, then dealing with a delivery person.
Sorry for crapping all over your thoughful idea. Maybe I'm overthinking it.
Maybe just get a couple of restaurants they like and order for them? Instacart does have gift cards. Or if you can get them AmazonFresh, maybe get an order of staples (soup, pasta/rice) together and send it over.
Please don't feel bad and thank you for the suggestions. Yeah, I want to help but not come off as cold. Maybe I'll look into this service?
https://www.spoonfulofcomfort.com/product/sympathy-soup-gift-baskets-package/
Damn ad worked on me; GETREDDIT12 gets you some free meals
Fair warning, yes you get the kit to make the food but it's not quick and easy. If you're not handy in the kitchen it can be fairly difficult.
And they ship everything fresh. Say you go with the 3-meal kit, you've now given them a deadline to set aside 3 nights this week to go and make all this food.
Personally, a bad idea in this case. I also agree a gift card is the wrong choice and could come across as impersonal or worse.
We've had similar situations, and we've dropped off care packages of prepared foods from a local pasta place. They make frozen meals, so we'd drop off a tray of penne and sauce, a lasagna, some cannelloni's, or whatever. It's not quite the same as personally preparing food, but it does still send the message that you're thinking of them and want to lighten their cognitive load a bit.
Things drop off, yeah - but that's sort of ok, since a really hard part about dealing with death in the family in the short term is the administrative crap you have to work on while grieving - death certificate stuff, paying for the funeral, hunting down life insurance, calling credit card companies and whatnot. Sometimes a printer/scanner/fax is a godsend.
Cards or just a small thing well after the fact is unusual and appreciated, usually. Maybe if you send them something now, it'll get lost in the flurry, but if you send them something later too, that might be special.
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It was their father, there are no kids or anything so I can't help with that. My friend is living with their parents right now while they do post-secondary studies. Hearing from another friend who is visiting them, the house has plenty of food right now and some family members, so I don't want to bring anything right now, but maybe a week from now.
Alternatively if they don't need that or you don't feel it's appropriate and you knew anything about the person you can donate to a charity they would have found meaningful.
Alternatives could be costco, or target, but with the way things are right now, I would just want stuff to come to the door.
Other things that you can fund, are entertainment things like gift cards that can be applied to movie rentals, or nintendo/steam giftcards to provide distractions, but that's easier if you know what kind of things are relaxing downtime for them. Like a bundle of new board games is damn expensive, but if they aren't a game night family it would just be trash. If you know any indulgences, like they enjoy opening blind packs of magic cards or coloring books or knitting, that can be more personal if strait cash or food isn't what they seemingly need at the moment.
Like Ceres mentioned, there are just a bunch of expenses that come up during this time.
Sorry I'm late to the thread, but I have to just add this:
When my mum died last year, one particular very dear friend came by with tea and biscuits.
By which I mean a catering bag of 440 tea bags (decent brand, too); four pints of milk; a bag of sugar; and one packet of every single type of biscuit the store had.
I think it's probably the single most thoughtful gift anyone has ever got me (at least, got adult me). And it's one I have made a mental note to borrow when someone else has a hard time in the future.
Granted you probably need a Brit's attitude towards tea for this specifically, but the concept is easily adapted for most tastes, I think.
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Your friend is very thoughtful! They aren't the type of people for tea, but getting having something to bring some comfort is nice. For groceries, I bought an assortment of items, some healthy fruits and vegetables, along with some more snack foods that could just be eaten, and then a few things that would not take long to prepare.
I brought the groceries to a second friend who is visiting my grieving friend's house, (they are limiting exposure because of COVID, so I have not gone over), and they said the family appreciated the groceries. I am grateful that I could help in some small way and I still feel like it's not enough, but I don't think anything I can do will make it better.
It is difficult right now for a lot of reasons, and COVID makes it worse as I wish I could do more to help in-person. It sounds like my grieving friend's family is over and helping out right now so I am giving them some space, but I will try and check in every few weeks. I hope I can help in some ways in the upcoming months, though I am not entirely sure how at this moment.
Checking in every few weeks weeks is one of the best things you can do. There is an initial outpouring when someone dies, but beyond sending a card and flowers a lot of people kind of drop off after that. From my experience with it, the first little while after a close family member dies you're sort of in shock and the reality of it can hit later. Having support around then could be really helpful for your friend.
Thanks for the suggestion, I've tried checking in with the family and I did some outdoor chores unprompted as I know it's difficult to ask others for help. I don't want to go into specifics, but I think the relationship I had with my grieving friend is over. I care about them and their family and I know some of our mutual friends are still helping out, but after talking with some friends it may be best to step back, at least for now. I am kind of confused and hurt about the whole situation, but I'm glad I did something to help. Most important to me right now, I want my former friend to focus and take care of themselves and to healthily go through the grieving process.