Looking for resources on how to break-up

italianranma

Background: two friends of mine have been in an on-again/off-again relationship for a year and some change. My coworker (male) is looking to end the relationship with the girlfriend but is worried about her mental health and ability to handle the break-up. She has high-functioning autism, gets bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts, and generally doesn’t handle stress well. She’s a delightful person, and personally I’m sad that the relationship is ending but ultimately I think it’s for the best and I’m proud that my coworker is mature enough to realize that he’s not right for her and that the relationship needs to end before it gets anymore serious. Now normally I’d stay out of a personal matter like this but the coworker asked for my advice.

What I’d like is for some recommendations on relationships and how to end them from professional sources: books, TED talks, etc. we have access to a family councilor but the coworker doesn’t want to go there because he’s had a poor previous experience with the man. The girlfriend sees a therapist, but unfortunately we don’t know any more than that.

Though they’ve been dating for a while, the coworker has been very hesitant to commit and they don’t have any shared financial or property ventures to complicate the situation. To be honest, I wouldn’t normally take this kind of care or interest in what should be pretty straightforward, but because of the mental health issues and his perception that she’s come to rely on him emotionally, we want to take some care and minimize the pain to her as much as possible.

zepherin

Be kind but direct. Don't justify the position. Don't put the person down. Don't use cliche's "it's not you it's me" "we just need space" None of that helps. It's not a debate, there doesn't need to be an argument, and make sure that they don't have any stuff in the other persons place they still want. This is a surgical event. And then don't communicate further.

Also, you'll hear people say to do it in public so they won't make a scene...those are people who have never had someone make a scene, then the breakup is on full display.

If they are worried about the person's mental health, after the breakup call their friend explain what happened "it just wasn't working." And ask their friend to stay with them a bit.

ceres

I don't know if a TED talk is going to help with this. She's going to be sad. While there are some likely pretty obvious things he can do to make it worse, there won't be much he can do to make it better. She has probably at some point in the past talked to him about things that help her feel better when something bad happens or she gets bad news, and it might be a good idea for him to do what he can to make sure she has access to those things, but that's the kind of thing he'll know and TED won't.

I'd like to counter the "call her friend" thing, unless she has said that's a good thing for him to do if he's worried about her. She might not want her friends to know right away or want to tell them herself, and telling them first take might take that away from her. It can also be seen as a pretty big intrusion or manipulation the situation, depending on how his relationship with her has played out, and puts the friend in a real weird position.

While it's good to be cognizant of her mental state when he breaks up with her, I think might be better to avoid making it part of the breakup.

italianranma

This is great advice. I’m just worried now that I know she’s talked openly about suicidal thoughts, and previous episodes of self-harm. He thinks the break up could cause an episode and as far as I know, I’m the only one he’s come to for advice.

Ringo

In my experience a break-up can certainly trigger a depressive episode, but usually doesn't cause immediate escalation of self harming behaviors. It's the eventual news of the ex-partner seeing someone else that tends to lead to that escalation. The best recourse I've seen is to make a clean break and hope that the person continues to see their therapist, engage their supports, and practice self-care. Trying to help them by being emotional support after the break-up is generally a losing proposition for both sides and can exacerbate any eventual attempts at self harm.

Get it done, as amicably as possible, but get it done. Lingering is a recipe for disaster

Darkewolfe

An important core rule: You can't be accountable for anyone else's mental health, ultimately. You can do everything you can not to be a jerk, of course, but everyone is ultimately responsible for their own mental health and you can't take responsibility for someone else.