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Reached 35 Never Had a GF - Is It too late?
kryptman
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So 35 years old this year and never had a GF. It honestly feels for me like an impossible task and I have more capacity to spontaneously gain the ability to fly. As a teenager, I was the small quiet guy and of course, teenage girls didn't want anything to do with me due to this my height. With myself being easily the shortest guy in my school year. Then university came and of course, because of my height, I didn't have a shot so I more or less gave up on approaching women full stop. So now I at 35 have the sexual experience of a teenager and am now incredibly lonely.
Apart from the fear of it never happening there is also the fact that I have seen from dating sites my options are more or less women who have had their fun and want their backup option. Any issue is that I can't bring myself to approach women I just can't do it, especially when rejection will be the only outcome.
What should I do?
Apart from the fear of it never happening there is also the fact that I have seen from dating sites my options are more or less women who have had their fun and want their backup option. Any issue is that I can't bring myself to approach women I just can't do it, especially when rejection will be the only outcome.
What should I do?
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That reeks of slut shaming.
If you only ever approach women to chat them up, you're probably not great at talking to women. Have you got any female friends you can ask for advice?
I'm sure they'll view me as a worthless loser if I asked for advice so I don't. I do remember a friend tried to get me to go out with a friend of hers from work. She was however a single mother so I politely declined and said nope I can't do dating with single mothers. I just can't I'm sure she is lovely but I can't.
Also I had a female work friend who asked if I had kids. I laughed and said "Look at my height" and when she pushed I said "No and can we please drop this". I'm pretty sure she was making fun of me any way.
I'm pretty sure your main issue here is a cripplingly low level of self esteem. You've just assumed your friends will think you're a loser if you ask for advice.
Or they're trying to make fun of you.
When neither is true.
It's fine to not want to date a person with kids, but you see the irony in immediately dismissing a potential partner based on something like that, while also crying about how your height isn't letting you date anyone. I can guarantee you the right person won't give a shit about your height, they'll wanna spend time with you because of who you are. It sounds to me like you gotta do some self work before trying to force a relationship to happen but hey, that's just me
I've been where you are in that I didn't really and truly date anyone until I was 29, and I thought I was unlovable and no one would possibly want to date me. Like you, my self-esteem was in the dumpster and because of that twisted self-view, I also had horrible views about other people and what they might want out of a relationship.
The thing that took me a long time to figure out, even after I started dating people (disastrously, because I still didn't think I was worth anything), is that if you want to find a good partner you first have to be a good partner. You have to be a person that other people want to be near. And don't get this wrong, I'm not suggesting that you have to change your personality into some generic idea of "interesting person", because that does not work. Instead, you need to be the best version of yourself and be unashamed of that self. Like say right now, your favorite thing to do is paint Warhammer miniatures. Instead of thinking "I need to hide this because if a FEMALE caught a whiff of this her vagina will shrivel up and die!", get involved in a Warhammer community or multiple communities, see if there's a meetup you can go do, get better at your craft and show off your skills, be able to talk about Warhammer miniatures with pride and yet without arrogance or stepping over people who are still learning how to paint. Be a mentor for other people who want to learn how to paint miniatures. Be welcoming to any new people who want to try the hobby, be enthusiastic for new people in the community. And as part of that enthusiasm, if you see people in the community talking about "used up" women or "fake warhammer fans" or any kind of toxic gatekeeping that would keep new people from wanting to participate, nip that in the bud, tell those people to fuck off, be someone who won't tolerate that kind of shit. Obviously, Warhammer miniatures is just an example, it could be any hobby or interest.
What does this have to do with dating? Well, from the sounds of your posts, you don't sound like someone who enjoys who they are right now, or who even enjoys who other people are. Why would anyone enjoy you if you can't enjoy you? Right now you're carrying this brain spider with you that whispers, "I hate myself, and I assume you will hate me too, so I'll do everything in my power to make that happen." Honestly the best thing you could do is get therapy, but I know that if you are in the USA especially, therapy may be out of reach. So if you can't do therapy, then you need to do the work yourself, the work of liking yourself more, of realizing your good qualities, of realizing you have value outside of any outside signifiers like "a hot girlfriend" or "an expensive car" or "a tall body" or whatever bullshit external thing you think is all you need to fix everything. It sounds cliche, but nah nah nah, dawg, you really don't need any of that, the thing you need has to come from within. The thing I said about acting as if your hobby, whatever it is, is really cool and great? That also applies to how you think about yourself.
So the brain spider that says "I'm too short for anyone to ever love me"? You gotta fight that guy, he's an asshole and he doesn't know what he's talking about. Now I personally don't give a shit about whether a guy is tall or not, but I do care if someone has resentment about their height oozing out of their pores. Resentment is boring and unpleasant to be around. The advanced way to fix this problem is to reframe your "flaw" as something sexy and amazing, as a unique beautiful thing that you bring to the world. I understand that is hard which is why it's in the advanced category. For now, you can focus on other things; if your brain spider says, "BLARG TOO SHORT", you say, "fuck off, look at how cute my face is, my cheekbones could split the sky in twain" or "look at how amazing my eyes are, no one else has brown eyes like mine." Find a feature and admire it about yourself. And don't say you don't have that feature, because I assure you, you do. Everyone does. The human body is a marvel of engineering, it's impossible that there is no part of yourself that isn't admirable. Along with this work, you can also start learning to like what's good in other people. Instead of, "ugh, that woman has a kid", you could say, "how amazing that she's raising a child on her own, that takes a lot of hard work and sacrifice. Instead of, "gross, this woman is used up" you could say, "wow, this woman knows what feels good for her and isn't ashamed to pursue that, despite how society tries to make women feel shame for enjoying sex. What an icon." I'm not saying you have to date these women that you're reframing in your mind, that is not at all the point of this exercise. What you are learning here is how to like people as people, not how to lust after them as objects; learning to like people makes you, yourself, a hell of a lot more likeable.
Once you've started a) learning to like yourself and b) learning to like other people, then you can start trying to date.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
The societal pressures about now being the "40 year old virgin" are high - to say nothing of my family! But that's okay. I've spent literally the last 10 years learning how to be a better person, and realizing that I would start dating when I'm comfortable with it. Frankly, I don't feel 40. Or, at least, not the 40 that was depicted in the Boomer generation. I lost nearly a decade of time from the recession to the pandemic to bad decisions in the early 00's... but again. doesn't matter.
No one gets to dictate how you live except you. And it is exploitative to have a partner dictate who you are. So don't let it define you. Don't let its absence define you. Figure out who you are... and how you can talk about yourself in ways that aren't toxic. Because you matter, as much as anyone else does. You are allowed to put yourself first.
So yeah. Listen to the advice here. Be conscious of how your language, and inner dialogue, describe things... and recognize that nothing is perfect, or even ideal... but everything can be worked on.
Seconding this, people will find it hard to want to be with you if you don't think you're worth being with. Real life isn't like High School (I mean High School often isn't even like how it seems, but at that age you are hyperaware of your place in society), it sounds like you've got yourself into a really bad place back then and had it just fester, putting up imaginary barriers that were much higher than they really were. Tall women can also have the same problem, not to mention I've a friend who is 5'2" and has been married for 10 years and even Peter Dinklage is married with kids. I get that you have had some rough times, but you need to really understand that it is not impossible and that it isn't something wrong with you.
And whilst being short isn't often something people are looking for in a partner at first glance (unless they are also short), most relationships aren't love at first sight across a crowded bar or club, it's two people finding a connection and being drawn closer. If dating sites can fill the physical need, then let them, it might turn into something else or might not - but in the mean time you just need to find something that you like doing that other people do too, and engage with them without that additional pressure.
It's definitely worth talking to a professional who will know how to help you break out of the vicious cycle you've got yourself into though. There's no advice that we can give here that will make a difference until you're able to get past that, either on your own or with help.
Work on yourself first. Nobody will want to date someone with such obvious issues. It's hard but you can do it.
Working on your outlook is always a good idea no matter who you are, not only for your own mental health but to help make it easier to interact with others. Therapy has never really worked for me because it's too infrequent and too expensive, but after finding out a number of concepts used by therapists are derived from Buddhism I looked into Secular Buddhism, which is basically an attempt to take practical concepts that improve mental and emotional health from Buddhism and present them in a straightforward manner with any metaphysical aspects removed. I especially like the Secular Buddhism Podcast and recommend it often.
I'll list some of the concepts I've gleaned that I personally have found helpful:
You mention in your OP both your age and that you're shorter than average. I imagine that, like me, you may feel a bit insecure about being single in your 30's, but honestly it's nowhere near as uncommon as it used to be. Besides, there's no rule that you have to be married by a certain age, and people get divorced or lose a spouse and get with someone else all the time. A male friend of mine is 34, divorced, but currently dating, and a female friend of mine is 38 and just got engaged. As for your height, keep in mind that not everyone finds the same things attractive or, if they do find a given trait attractive, doesn't necessarily have that as something they absolutely have to have in a partner. Some women like muscular guys, others like slender guys, some like beards, some hate facial hair, some like sporty guys, some like nerds, etc.
As for anxiety about dating, the important thing to remember (and I have to remind myself of this, too) is that social interactions in general don't have clear cut rules and that the only way you can make progress is by being willing to make mistakes. The only way to never make mistakes is to never try, and that's obviously not ideal. Confident people aren't confident because they never make mistakes, but because they don't beat themselves up for it. Besides, once you make a mistake it's less likely that you'll make it again, right? It would probably help to just attempt to make more small talk in general. I've found that doing that has helped me to feel more confident and to learn when my pessimistic thoughts get triggered so that I can counter them. For example, I used to always assume that someone seeming like they didn't want to talk is because I did something wrong, but there are all kinds of other explanations, such as them being shy themselves, them being in a bad mood, etc. I found this episode from the podcast I mentioned earlier helpful in terms of helping with this sort of thing:
In regards to meeting people, it unfortunately can be difficult since there aren't that many places to actually socialize with the same people often as an adult other than work (which is why a large number of couples begin as coworkers, despite such couples having high divorce rates).
Here's a chart based on a Stanford Paper that compared how heterosexual couples met in 1995 to 2017:
Source
In case you're in the UK, this chart shows how things break down there:
Source
As you can see, online dating is the primary way couples meet, though a lot of couples are introduced through mutual acquaintances. It used to be the norm, in fact, and couples who meet via mutual acquaintances are among the least likely to get divorced, with couples who met online or in bars among the highest (after couples who met at work). Not only is trying to meet someone through mutual acquaintances normal and not something to be ashamed of, it's also a pretty good idea given the data.
Asking if somebody has kids is a diverse topic starter and almost never a means of teasing.
It's a way people who have kids find a topic of conversation. It kind of takes over who you are, even if you're a single or divorced parent it's hard to define yourself not as a function of your children. The intended destination of the conversation could be anything but parenthood becomes a shared bond of battle wherever that is.
It's also a way women ask if you're married without asking if you're married. It's a way women who already know you're not married will judge your responsibility. It's a veiled fishing expedition for what somebody may want in a future relationship. Its a way of saying "hey I saw a picture of a child in a bathtub on your phone and need to know if I should call the cops."
It does a lot of work and a good tip for any conversation with a person is to engage it in good faith on the terms it's presented. The kind of juvenile lunch room behavior you suspect here is not typical of adults, especially over 30.
This is a good catch. To add to this a little bit, when you said "look at my height?", I guarantee the woman you were speaking to had no idea how height factored into the conversation about children, which is why she asked again - she was confused. The only physical thing that could have factored in to this question is something like "no, I had a vasectomy when I became sexually active" or "no, I'm naturally sterile." Most people simply won't see any connection between height and fucking. That belief in a connection is also mark of juveniles and not adults.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
FYI, I never asked anyone out before college. I was too anxious to approach anyone I was attracted to. Finally, the fear of being alone overcame my fear of being rejected and I made myself do it. I wish I had talked to someone before that I think I would have started earlier and had healthier relationships. Married 21 years now.
I should add I met my wife on Plentyoffish nine years ago. It can happen if you work at it.
yeah definitely like...
OP, join the dating advice threads here, and delete / unsub from literally every reddit thread about relationships or people. You reached out and that's positive, but you need to take a hard step and walk away from anything that reinforces negatives about you.
It doesn't. You probably aren't a bad person, but you seem to have some strong and wrong opinions about interpersonal relationships.
You need to talk to someone who can help you with this stuff that knows you better and can be honest with you. I suggest a mental health professional.
Whoever you talk to, don't take more advice from wherever convinced you short people don't fuck. If short people didn't have relationships, there wouldn't be any short people.
Your wife?
In my defence, it's a cuttlefish in 3D glasses from a scientific paper.
That's a horrible thing to say about someone's wife!
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
Starting activities where you have more chances of meeting single women, dancing, exercising, meetups etc. internet dating can be fun, but it's also a dark hole spiral if you're not getting the replies you think you should. Girls love indifferent guys, "hey, do you want to do x activity sometime? If not it's cool, I just thought I'd give you a chance to hang out with me."
Showing interest is good, you just don't want to get flagged on the "love at first sight" radar.
Ask yourself, would I want to hang with me if I was just getting to know them? If not, you might consider counseling, exercise, activities and hobbies that will put you in a better State of mind , to have the confidence to embrace the wins and shrug off the rejections. Try, as best as you can, to not get sucked into the downward beat up spiral of "if only I was this or that."
Physical intimacy is cool and all, but it's also not the only thing in life. There's drawbacks with everything, and that includes healthy relationships. Those cool happy couples you see? yeah, they got some major drama going on behind closed doors. This was the schadenfreude that helped keep me going when I was single, because I had friends that were dating, and by God were they such hot messes.
It's fine to be nervous about dating a girl with a kid, but you also Miss every shot you don't take. I would just be very clear and upfront that, "I'm not looking at this stage right now to be Daddy 2.0". If she's cool with that, congratulations, you're dating now.
Finally, give yourself permission to accept that love is battlefield and you're going to walk away with some scars before you find something that clicks. Failure is part of that process, and it's easy to get sucked into thinking like nothing will ever change. Animals that get beaten want to stay in there safe places, even if there's nothing dangerous nearby. You're going to make mistakes, but the only way you lose is if you give up entirely. Don't do that.
Speaking as a 31 year old who's had no girlfriends and less sexual experience than a lot of teenagers until literally last night, no, it's not too late.
I guarantee your insecurity about your height has more of an effect on your dating prospects than your height itself. There are women out there who won't date short guys, yes, but they're not even close to being the rule. Most aren't going to care about your height at all, or only on such a small level that they won't think about it after they notice you have one or two things going for you. Being gainfully employed, college educated, and not drug-addicted counts as having three things going for you, by the way. There are even some women out there who will look at you and wonder if you like *mountain climbing*
I'm recognizing a very familiar thing in how you think about height. I let a couple of factors (depression bad enough it's a disability, living with my parents) almost entirely stop me from pursuing any interest in women for more than a decade. Once in a long while an opportunity of some sort would come up... and I would consistently talk myself out of taking it. That one's too old for me, this one's got kids, she's religious, etc. At a certain point I recognized that I was actively seeking out bad excuses to avoid taking any chances. Don't get me wrong, it's healthy to have ideas about what you want and what you don't want, just be aware that your Anxiety will use anything it can to artificially tip the scales toward "don't want." You need to start resisting those lies you tell yourself which let you stay in your comfort zone.
The turning point for me to really start putting myself out there was figuring out that I was thinking way too much about things down the line instead of what was right in front of me. I was figuratively standing on the edge of a pool hemming and hawing about whether I wanted to go in the deep or the shallow end, wondering how clean the bottom was, thinking that I might hurt my hands on the side when I tried to get out, wondering if I ought to be wearing different trunks, blah blah blah. Then I decided that my priority was to get in the pool. Where? Doesn't matter, get in the pool. Slowly or in one big jump? Doesn't matter, get in the pool! Will I look cool enough if I don't do a flip? DOESN'T MATTER, GET IN THE POOL! (Btw I literally did a flip yesterday. It was in a bounce house, but it was in front of the girl I'm seeing so it counts. I ate shit the first time I tried. Then I tried again and didn't eat shit. Then we did sex stuff later in the night. How's that for a parable?)
Other people have already covered a lot of important points on being able to talk to your friends, not judging women for having their fun, and owning your identity without shame, so here's the fundamental question I'll put to you: do you want to get in the pool? It's not going to kill you. You're not going to live forever either way, but it's not going to kill you. The first time I kissed a girl, or perhaps I should say a girl kissed me, was absolutely mortifying. I was in my early twenties. We had an unsatisfying sloppy drunk makeout for twenty seconds, at which point my anxiety boiled over so badly that I farted and ran away to vomit in the bushes. Then I went inside for the bathroom and had diarrhea. Then I came back out, helped her clean up the now-ended party and made some truly cringe self-deprecating jokes about the situation. Since then, she became and today remains one of my best friends. I can tell her anything and vice versa. She gives good advice. I may be almost average height for a man, kryptman, but I rather doubt you're as much of a doofus as me. If my own idiotic flailings around women haven't been fatal, you'll survive too. Sooooo...
Do you want to get in the pool? It seems like you want to get in the pool. I'm not going to say it won't feel weird, but it's warmer than you think.
1. Perhaps consider therapy. If you're so down on yourself that it's impacting your ability to neutrally assess and approach interpersonal relationships then talking to someone could help!
2. You appear to be beating yourself up. Stop doing that. It isn't your job. The world can sometimes be rather cruel and desolate, I promise you there are enough people out there that will try to tear you down, don't do their job for them. You are fine the way you are. Areas you aren't happy with are not marks of inadequacy, they demonstrate that you know who you are and what you are about; start fixing them and ignore people making fun of you for trying to improve upon yourself.
3. Kind of relates to the previous point, but it doesn't sound like you have a lot of experience; you're talking yourself down before you've even tried. You need to at least try to get onto the dating ladder, i.e. go out on dates, and by all means, fail miserably. The important thing is that you do not take any of it personally and learn from it all. You can also gain insights by looking at dating forums. These dating sites (or the dating subreddits) are also an amazing breath of fresh air as you will quickly see after reading some of the more extreme help/advice posts that many human beings that are actually on the dating ladder are dumpster fires of human beings. I am just going to go out on a limb and assume that you aren't abusive. That you aren't an ideological hypocrite. That you don't view women as sacks of meat with holes. I promise you that just by being average you are already ahead of so many bad eggs out there.
On a general note, I have been a late bloomer my entire life.
Comparing yourself to other people and whatever is currently trending on tv isn't helpful. Everyone's journey is different, trying to slot specific achievements by age into your life is only going to lead to misery. You're 35 and a bit of a rookie. So what? You can either be ok with that and live your life or worry about it and do nothing, posting the same sort of forum thread at 45.
Good luck fella!
If only one thing on this thread gets through, make it this.
This "short guys don't get dates" is a myth. Some people absolutely have a height preference but that's not every person.
Being kind and understanding goes a very long way towards building a relationship with someone.
Honestly? Therapy, develop a social life that ameliorates your loneliness, and get a better attitude about women.
I didn’t have my first relationship until my mid 20s, and didn’t date after it ended for years. What changed for me was working on my mental health and engaging in hobbies that got me having fun and meeting people. This made me both happier, less desperate for romantic attention and gave me the confidence to try dating again. was about 34 then.
And where did I figure out how to go about dating? The internet dating thread in D&D. Dated on and off for months. Was just about to give up and take a break for a while because I’m highly rejection sensitive. Went on one last date with a new person. Been together ever since and married for 8.
Did my wife have more prior partners and experience than me when we met? For sure, did I denigrate or begrudge her for having been more successful romantically earlier in life with me? No.
2. Go to therapy to discuss why you have such low self esteem / think you are so worthless. You aren't any of these things.
3. What the hell is up with men and their height? The only people who care about men's height are insecure short men. Height isn't who you are. Hell. The shortest guy I know in real life is a ripped anesthesiologist who is married to a very pretty blonde woman. He's an asshole, don't get me wrong, but his height didn't seem to slow him down.
4. People ask each other if they have kids as an easy conversation starter. It's the "Where are you from?" for people who have kids. It's also a nice way to start bitching about your children with a complete stranger.
4a. Responding to the question with "Look at my height" is a strange way if responding. Definitely weird. That's why she asked for clarification. Your response was needlessly hostile and frankly, if that's how you respond to innocuous questions - framing them as an attack on your physical appearance - you've got more substantial reasons you're not getting dates.
Please get off of Reddit. Please go to therapy.
Cut to the chase, when I actually did decide to do something about my situation, it didn't take all that long. Lose some weight, and simply say 'hi'. The girl that ended up liking me saw straight through the toxic masculinity baggage I'd picked up.
But it was a period before I took matters in hand rather than wallowing in it, and a lot of that wasted time could have been avoided with therapy (from the right therapist, disclaimer)
Sorry kinda just taking the responses in only really been able to do it yesterday been dealing with crap after some bastard tried to mug me. Hasn't been a great week.
Try not to be too picky when it comes to dates. Single mother really shouldn't be a deal breaker. Not to mention just because you go on a date with someone it doesn't mean you've automatically adopted their kid or something. Odds are you are going to date a bunch of people before you find the right person. Some dates will no doubt be a disaster. It's fine! That's normal. Everybody has those. Dates that don't work out aren't a waste of time. You build confidence and social skills, and learn more about yourself and what you want in a partner.