mo' girl problems

inert

i suppose the long story short thing wouldnt help you guys help me out, so i'll go the long way. basically, i met this girl back in high school (2002) and we were in class together for a few months until i asked her out (this was dec. 2002). unbeknownst to me, she had also been messing around with my best friend who was in the same class. so we go out, things go bad within a couple months, we break up (feb 03). well eventually we got back together (march 03) and things seemed ok, until one day when my friend came to me and told me they had been having cybersex, which was probably the reason she had wanted to break up with me. fine, nothing serious, just immature high school BS i figured, so i stuck with her. Well days go by and then months and roughly 6 months (september) after that incident she tells me that she had taken it one step further with him and had physical sex. now, she wouldnt specify a time, but i remembered a day in may of that year that she had told me she was going to visit her friend's mother at her work with a group of her friends to hang out. she called me when she got home that day crying her eyes out, saying how sorry she was and how it wasnt that fun, etc etc. i didnt think anything of it at the time, but hindsight really is 20/20 i guess. so i make (what i think was) a second mistake and forgive her again, and stay with her. fast forward to present day. we've been together for over four years now.

last year i had roomed with that same best friend (third huge mistake) and i guess at some point he had used my computer, because i got on to check my email on hotmail roughly in september or october (06) and he had left his username on it. i thought i'd mess around and try the password he uses for his warcraft account that he let me use occasionally and presto, i was in. i didnt look at his emails or anything, i just found it amusing and logged off and havent been on since then.

i honestly have no idea why, but i logged onto it today and saw he had a new email account set up on gmail.

so i'm thinking to myself at this point, is this dick really even worth screwing with?

why, of course, i say.

so i go and try out the same password at his gmail account and take a few cursory glances when something catches my eye. an email...from my girlfriend.

now i realize this sounds insanely hypocritical to say, but i have serious qualms with invasion of privacy. I will not ever, ever open someone else's mail (physical or email)...mainly because i wouldnt want anyone looking at mine. but i saw her address and i saw the preview line and i couldnt help myself. i had to know, i had to see. so i'm reading and reading, and the conversation turns to sex. he asks if she regrets it, she says no. he asks if she's ashamed of having sex with him, she says no. she says she misses talking to him. he says he wishes things were different between them, and on and on...

i became so infuriated, enraged...the things i felt i cant even put into words. i've never been anything but honest with her, i've never lied, cheated, hell, i've never even raised my voice at her. what the fuck did i do to deserve this?

so here's my issue.

it's not a question of whether or not i should break up with her, because we're fucking done. that's all there is to it.

my question is, how do i tell her?

Chief1138

At this point I don't think you really owe her an explanation. Just drop her like a bad habit.

Sliver

I say you take a mock dummy of her, hang it from a rope, set the dummy on fire, invite the neighborhood kids over, and take turns hitting it with sticks.

edit: seriously though, you aren't obligated to do anything at this point.

misbehavin

Sleep with her best friend, video-tape it, and mail it to her?

No, seriously, I just can't fathom your patience. Don't do anything but dump her, no questions asked.

saggio

You aren't the one who had sex with your partner's best friend. I'd drop the girl and confront the friend for breaking the code.

DodgeBlan

From what you've written it doesn't sound like she has betrayed you since the last time.

Uncle Long

DodgeBlan wrote: »

From what you've written it doesn't sound like she has betrayed you since the last time.

Maybe I'm a cynic but I get the impression that she's about to try real hard.

naporeon

Seriously.

I'm very happy to see that you have decided to end things, but I'm not sure where you got the idea that you owe her any sort of special explanation. Just tell her that things are finished. I would recommend being calm and polite, but whatever works for you is just fine. She'll probably be crushed, since a lot of people cheat because they need affirmation, and a breakup is the emotional and philosophical opposite of that. Just stay strong and realize that you don't need to make this easier for her.

Also, cop to your email invasion. Don't say "you never" do it, because you just did, clearly. I would highly recommend avoiding this sort of thing in the future. If you ever feel like you have a strong enough reason to suspect infidelity that invading someone's privacy is warranted, just be the bigger man: assume you're right, and just break up. No reason to roll around in the mud with the pigs.

inert

DodgeBlan wrote: »

From what you've written it doesn't sound like she has betrayed you since the last time.

i'd agree except she mentioned something in there about not having enough time...and really i dont know if, in fact, the one time she told me about was the only time, you know?

inert

naporeon wrote: »

Also, cop to your email invasion. Don't say "you never" do it, because you just did, clearly. I would highly recommend avoiding this sort of thing in the future. If you ever feel like you have a strong enough reason to suspect infidelity that invading someone's privacy is warranted, just be the bigger man: assume you're right, and just break up. No reason to roll around in the mud with the pigs.

yeah...it's bad and i feel pretty guilty for doing it, which is kinda surprising to me, cuz i loathe this guy with every fiber of my being haha...

Cryogen

While i do agree that you shouldnt have read their private mail, i wouldnt explain jack shit about it to either of them and would ditch them without giving any reason at all. I should make it known though that for me personally, cheating is an absolute dealbreaker and i would never have given her a second chance, and i freely admit that any such situation i'm going to be as biased as fuck against any cheating.

Mr. Pokeylope

I think the better question is why you put up with this behavior from your best friend and girlfriend in the first place.

When you let people walk all over you they tend to do it. You deserve better than this in your friends and girl and trust me you can do better.

And you going into your friends email account is really the smallest of the betrayals in this situation. Don't feel guilty about it.

DodgeBlan

Whilst you are 'the victim' here, you've totally allowed it all to happen. You sort of sacrificed the moral high ground when you forgave her. So you do owe her an explanation.

"I found out that you cheated on me once, but I already knew that. For some reason this time I want to dump you."

I'm not saying you shouldn't break up with her, but you don't have 'the right' to be a dick about it.

Fantasma

These are lines that will help you to get rid of her "forever":

You know what?, after all this time my eyes were blurred by your beauty, my mind was so confused, my spirit lifted, I was so happy, but I have been reborn again, becoming a phoenix that returns from the ashes, all this because of you.

I realized that letting you into my heart, into my soul, was the greatest mistake I have ever made. You have been a liar, a cheater, a two faced monster. Having sex again and again with my best friend is something I never thought you could do. I asked the great architect of the universe to exorcist you from my mind.

This fairy tale is over, over! don't call me, don't write to me, erase my name, my face from you mind.

Blake T

Be honest tell them you checked his mail and be a man about it.

But yeah you need to not take her back no matter what.

Also if his name isn't on the lease have the sweetest revenge by kicking him out.

Then call up your friends go out get drunk and act like a twat.

misbehavin

DodgeBlan wrote: »

Whilst you are 'the victim' here, you've totally allowed it all to happen. You sort of sacrificed the moral high ground when you forgave her. So you do owe her an explanation.

"I found out that you cheated on me once, but I already knew that. For some reason this time I want to dump you."

I'm not saying you shouldn't break up with her, but you don't have 'the right' to be a dick about it.

That's bullshit.

He forgave her the first time most likely because she expressed regret and sorrow and asked for another chance. I highly doubt he would have forgiven her had she been a bitch about the cheating. Therefore, he was the bigger man, and realized people make mistakes, and allowed her a second chance that she wanted.

Now, she fucked him over twice. Her second chance was blown, and she has also proven that her first sorrowful exchange was utter bullshit, and that she lied to get him to not leave her, but had no intentions of holding up her end of the bargain. There are no quotes around this term, he is the victim. She took advantage of his forgiveness and fucked him over. Fuck her!

Tell her exactly how you know, and then tell her to go fuck herself and leave... You owe her NOTHING.

noobert

Dump her. The words "I know" should be more than enough of a reason in this case.

Then distance yourself from your "best friend", which he seems to be a pretty shitty one. You don't need to tell him that you checked his mail and you don't need to tell her how you found out.

Cryogen

Bedroom Rodeo

Get her to tie her hair in pigtails. Fuck her doggystyle, holding on to her pigtails. At some point, tell her that you've read the emails and you're dumping her for good. See how long you can stay on.

dont do this

Blake T

Oh, get tested, you don't know what your friend has either.

This usually gets mentioned, I'm suprised it hasn't yet.

EggyToast

I had my highschool girlfriend cheat on me whilst she was on a school vacation trip, only she at least had the guts to tell me. And I did the same thing, I forgave her, figuring "well how bad can it be, it was a moment of weakness." About a year later she did it again, in a similar situation (slept with a guy at work, or at a class, I don't know, I forget the exact details). At that point I was a bit more skeptical, but I still didn't dump her. It wasn't until I went off to college that I did "the talk" that we needed to have a fresh start in college and see what happens.

And, of course, hindsight made me realize that I should've dumped her as soon as she cheated on me the first time. She didn't act out or suddenly show up with another boyfriend, but it was just kind of a dawning thing like "wtf was I thinking?"

In your case, it's much more of a "hit over the head with it" sort of thing. While the email may very well have been about the past instance, I wouldn't be surprised if something had come up again. Worse, if nothing has happened again, it sounds like BOTH of them are setting it up to happen again. To them, it's fun and sexy because it's something they're not supposed to do.

Personally, it sounds like they're more comfortable talking behind your back via email. I'd simply log back into the friend's account and respond to the message with "Don't worry, you'll both have a lot more time to spend together, since I don't want to see either of you again for a long time" and sign it with your name. See if they even say anything.

If you don't want to be vindictive and you're truly curious about what's happening, bring it up with the girl, but don't change your mind. People can stray or have lapses in judgement and come out stronger if they have good support. But by the tone of the email it sounds like she WANTS to do it again. She obviously enjoyed it the first time or else it wouldn't've happened -- what she didn't like was the feeling of guilt. Anyway, bring it up with her, say that your friend needs to change his passwords more often and not use your computer so much, because you saw their email conversation. If she stonewalls or otherwise tries to persuade you, call your friend right there and ask him what's up.

Chief1138

EggyToast wrote: »

Personally, it sounds like they're more comfortable talking behind your back via email. I'd simply log back into the friend's account and respond to the message with "Don't worry, you'll both have a lot more time to spend together, since I don't want to see either of you again for a long time" and sign it with your name. See if they even say anything.

If you don't want to be vindictive and you're truly curious about what's happening, bring it up with the girl, but don't change your mind. People can stray or have lapses in judgement and come out stronger if they have good support. But by the tone of the email it sounds like she WANTS to do it again. She obviously enjoyed it the first time or else it wouldn't've happened -- what she didn't like was the feeling of guilt. Anyway, bring it up with her, say that your friend needs to change his passwords more often and not use your computer so much, because you saw their email conversation. If she stonewalls or otherwise tries to persuade you, call your friend right there and ask him what's up.

Dude come on. This sounds like the kind of passive-aggressive bullshit a 15 year old would try to pull. The dude's girlfriend and friend really fucked him over here, I think it's up to him to be the mature one in this situation.

Zek

She doesn't deserve your trust so I don't think you need to tell her about the mail spying(it wasn't even her account). Not that it was justified, but that doesn't matter now, just break up with her.

Tucanwarrior13

Tell she isn't worth the time of day or the half-assed sex (even if she's great in the sack). Tell her if your low life friend wants her have fun and live a life filled with the shame that she destroyed the best chance she had.

Uncle Long

I agree that you shouldn't tell her about the e-mail thing. Not that it isn't an issue but it isn't anything she needs to know about. If you want to bring it up with your roommate that's another story, but I don't think she deserves any sort of reason to claim even the slightest amount of moral indignation. If she finds out that's fine, but the OP doesn't, and I think shouldn't, even bring it up.

Say, that's it, I don't want anything more to do with you. The end.

ege02

Just cut the whole bullshit out of your life.

It is as simple as that.

Raslin

I never understood whats so hard with breaking up with people.

"We're breaking up"

"why?"

"I don't want to be with you anymore."

Walk away. If anyone else asks, tell them what happened. Its not like she's going to regret cheating on you(or thats how it seems), so you might as well make her feel bad, thinking its something about her.

Then again, most people hate me. For a reason, I would say. Don't listen to my advice :P

romanqwerty

Yeah, do two things. Brake up with her and try to distance urself for your "friend". Dont tell either of them about the email thing but find another reason to brake it off. Cheating is pretty much a sign of "i dont want to be with you" and consider it just plain greediness, assuming she wouldn't like it if you did it.

inert

just wanna say how much all that means to me, thanks guys, seriously.

i talked to her last night and told her i found out and i told her about seeing the emails. i told her that any future we could have had together (because we had planned so much) had been totally destroyed by this guy and she let it happen.

i actually havent spoken to this guy myself in almost 8 months. i cant stand him, and not only because of what they did in '03, but because he's just such a manipulative piece of shit. he plays on people's emotions to get the physical/emotional satisfaction he wants out of them, regardless of the consequences for either party. he just doesnt care, at all, ever.

when she was picking up all her stuff to leave to stay somewhere else for the summer (she goes to school out of state) she picked up this book of memories and stuff we had been working on together since we really started dating again in march 03 and she just started crying. i gotta tell you, i'm pretty unshakable when it comes to things i have my mind made up about, but goddamn if that wasn't the hardest thing i've ever had to watch.

so yeah... i broke up with her last night. 4 years of work (1-2 of which was spent just trying to recoup from the cheating) all gone just like that.

goddamn.

thanks again everyone, i kinda had my mind made up but you all helped strengthen my resolve.

peace,

DodgeBlan

Well done man. It takes a strong heart to break up cleanly like that.

noobert

Good work man, heres to your future ey?

Fallout

inert wrote: »

when she was picking up all her stuff to leave to stay somewhere else for the summer (she goes to school out of state) she picked up this book of memories and stuff we had been working on together since we really started dating again in march 03 and she just started crying. i gotta tell you, i'm pretty unshakable when it comes to things i have my mind made up about, but goddamn if that wasn't the hardest thing i've ever had to watch.

Crying or not, the memories obviously didn't mean too much to her. More likely she was crying due to a combination of being caught and being thrust out of her comfort zone with this guy she was with that she thought would let her fuck around.

Good job man. In the future, don't stick around with a girl who cheats on you; if they do it once and get away with it, they'll do it again.

Mr_Grinch

Well done, didn't contribute much to this thread but it does help to get stuff like this down on paper (or electronic paper!).

Congrats on sticking to your guns

Serphimera

Well done. *thumbs up*

ege02

Fallout wrote: »

In the future, don't stick around with a girl who cheats on you; if they do it once and get away with it, they'll do it again.

This should be stickied or something.

Caswynben

What isn't going to bug you later on is the girl. Trust issues with significant others are pretty fixable, and aren't nearly as transient as people sometimes think when you decide on a more healthy relationship down the line. What will bug you is your friend. It's hard to get over a friend doing this to you, really hard, even if you aren't that close anymore, it's hard to trust a dude. That is why we have The Code.

Serpent

inert wrote: »

so yeah... i broke up with her last night. 4 years of work (1-2 of which was spent just trying to recoup from the cheating) all gone just like that.

The 4 years of work isn't gone just like that. Those 4 years have helped you grow into who you are today, and you can learn from them.

No relationship is a 'waste'!

misbehavin

Serpent wrote: »

inert wrote: »

so yeah... i broke up with her last night. 4 years of work (1-2 of which was spent just trying to recoup from the cheating) all gone just like that.

The 4 years of work isn't gone just like that. Those 4 years have helped you grow into who you are today, and you can learn from them.

No relationship is a 'waste'!

Or, more correctly, nothing is ever a waste... Literally. The concept of "wasted time" implies you got literally nothing out of that time, and in reference to human psychology, that is never true.

SuperSockNinja

misbehavin wrote: »

Serpent wrote: »

inert wrote: »

so yeah... i broke up with her last night. 4 years of work (1-2 of which was spent just trying to recoup from the cheating) all gone just like that.

The 4 years of work isn't gone just like that. Those 4 years have helped you grow into who you are today, and you can learn from them.

No relationship is a 'waste'!

Or, more correctly, nothing is ever a waste... Literally. The concept of "wasted time" implies you got literally nothing out of that time, and in reference to human psychology, that is never true.

except for WoW

KingMoo

tell her that your friend told you

tell your friend that she told you

??? umm....I dunno, just leave them both in in your dust

KING LITERATE

Here's a good idea..

BlackDog85

Yeah, a clean break sure sounded like the right thing. I'm usually one who's pretty lenient when it comes to physical cheating, but, by the sound of it, she didn't feel much remorse for doing it in the first place, and seemed inclined to do it again.

See, I think (and this is just my opinion, this doesn't work for everyone) that you were right in forgiving her initially, especially since she owned up to it without you asking about it. But once she crosses that line into full-on dishonesty, ESPECIALLY after seeming so riddled with guilt after the first/second/whatever time, goddamn, it's just not worth it.

So, yeah, good job, and good luck in the recovery period.