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The First Republican Primary Debate: Sinners in the Hands of an Angry Don
ArcTangent
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Tonight at 9PM EST!
Alright, let’s do this one more time.
For those not familiar with the grim mechanics of American politics, the primaries are how the parties chose their candidate for the upcoming election. How this is done is largely dependent on party rules, and even that can vary based on each states. But basically it boils down to winning state elections/caucuses. As the current president, one Joseph “Vote or Die” Biden, is eligible for re-election, the Democratic Party has its muppet chosen so it’s just the Republican entering the Thunderdome (have fun trying, RFK). Tonight is the first debate amongst the Republican field of candidates, so let’s watch and comment together.
This is a temporary thread that will close shortly after the debate. It’ll close even sooner if you all can’t behave, so play nice.
Please note that the following write-ups are from the perspective of winning the primary. So no, I don't think being a banker that forecloses on orphanages right before Christmas is a good things personally. But Republicans love 'em. And now, tonight’s entertainment:
Ron “That Teacher” DeSantis
44 Years Old
Governor of Florida
Pros: Trying to play the role of “Serious Trump” that does the same crap but without the ego or tantrums, which appeals to people turning on the Donald. Has made a public show of his feud with Disney over vague “woke” nonsense which is sure to play well with some of the base. Is the poster child for COVID temper tantrums which furthered his popularity with the usual suspects. Is one of the younger hopefuls, which is an asset when the two top candidates are around 80. Difficult to create catchy nickname.
Cons: Culture Warrior shtick has limited appeal in the general election. Lacks that cult-like appeal to get voters to the polls. Picking a fight with a mega-corporation is probably a bad idea in the long run. Has a lot of skeletons in his closet that hasn’t really been taken advantage of by opponents yet. His reelection landslide is tempered by his opponent being objectively awful, meaning he is unproven against a real opponent. And just generally lacks the raw fascist charisma required to be Trump’s heir apparent. Universal Studios a lackluster political ally.
Vivek "2 Political Action Committee" Ramaswamy
38 Years Old
Is Rich Enough to Run
Pros: Is a wealthy entrepreneur, giving him a “business-savvy outsider” veneer similar to Trump in 2016. Invested money in culture war foibles which goes over well with the base. Is among the youngest candidates and Indian, providing a stark contrast to both Trump (and later Biden in the general).
Cons: Not white, and also not Christian: costly blunders in American politics. Is basically millennial Trump, and lacks anything substantial to set him apart from the former president. Lack of experience is a double-edged sword that, while appealing to conservatives, can be used against him in a race where political experience could be seen as critical. Is a terrible rapper.
Tim "
" Scott57 Years Old
Senator of South Carolina
Pros: A nice guy who everyone likes because America isn’t racist
Cons: None, because America isn’t racist
Nikki Haley
51 Years Old
Former Governor of South Carolina
Pros: Seems somewhat self-aware, noting that Republicans have lost the popular vote in the past twenty years and not just because of the media or Jewish lizards or whatever. Was part of the Trump administration, which might give her some cred among primary voters. Another POC which the party could hide behind as Totally Not Racist, which does help a bit when the opposition is the Oldest Whitest Man. Also got a black, gay reporter fired.
Cons: Not that self-aware, and doesn't offer anything substantively different that the party wouldn't riot over. Also a woman, denying her anything greater in the GOP than a cynical VP pick. So boring I can't even think of a quippy joke negative to put here.
Chris "A Bridge Too Far" Christie
60 Years Old
Former Governor of New Jersey
Pros: Only candidate ferociously going after Trump, which is the kind of hail Mary strategy one may need to stand out in a doomed field like this. Has shown more willingness to do token bipartisan things with Democrats. Known for being a petty fucker to spite teachers' unions, at a time when conservatives have a particularly frothing distaste for them after they refused to be free babysitters for them during the pandemic put masks on their darling babies. Tries really hard to dunk on Trump which rarely works with the crowd, but it's funny to watch.
Cons: One of the Democrats he worked with was Obama, which automatically makes him Satan-adjacent. Hating Trump is a hail Mary for a reason: it may pay big dividends if Trump collapses under his hubris and crimes, but that's a big if. He's also fat, which may seem mean to say (because it is), but every conservative pundit cannot go two minutes without cracking jokes. Yes, I know Trump is also fat: stop trying to find logic in American conservatism.
Mike "Hang in There, Baby" Pence
64 Years Old
Former Vice President of the United States
Pros: Was the Adult in the Room when the January 6th Insurrection happened, which at least shows he has some spine-esque structure in his body when push comes to shove against Trump. Old-School Moral Majority guy, which will appeal with the boomers that aren't on the Trump Train. Might be in the one contest where an aversion to gay cakes is considered a plus.
Cons: Allowed the Enemy of Humanity, Joseph Biden, to win steal the election. Seems to only go after Trump a little, and that little tends to be stuff that pisses off the base, such as not being 100% against the indictments. Recent polling suggests Trump voters trust him more than their religious leaders, which means Pence is fucked.
There may be others, but I am tired of writing bios for these assholes much less some barely-known no-hopers. Larry, wasn't losing the California election enough humiliation for you???
Sir Not Appearing in This Debate
Donald "I Have to Think of More Nicknames for this Guy" Trump
77 Years Old
Former President of the United States
Part of the terms to participate in this debate is to pledge to support the candidate that wins the primary. Unsurprisingly, Trump likely refused to sign the pledge and has stated he will not debate. But as the 800-pound gorilla in the election, maintaining his cult-like popularity in the polls, his sweaty presence will hover over the debate as candidates are forced to thread the needle between stating why they'd be better than Trump without pissing off his massive 50+% of the polls.
Sterica on
+11
This discussion has been closed.
Posts
you've gone and done it
Also Meatball Ron already has a nickname, you don't need to give him another one
What's his angle for this? Surely no aspirations to actually be saddled with a presidential role. Try to become a cabinet grifter?
Yeah, “Lil Ronnie Puddin Fingers”
FFXIV - Milliardo Beoulve/Sargatanas
Chris Christie is the least offensive choice.
And one of them might also sprout wings and fly around the audience
I will definitely be using this thread as my filter from that pure unadulterated brainrot.
He agrees with every far-right position that courts Trump voters, he won’t say Trump belongs in jail, but he thinks Trump is guilty of …something.
So he’s courting the dipshit vote while shitting on their king. Good luck with that moonshot, papaw.
Pence's fly already has that covered
He's a lunatic ex-libertarian turned outright declared fascist with all kinds of nonsensical views who sounds like his political trajectory was much the same as people like Bari Weiss or Matt Taibbi. ie That he was mostly a "both sides are bad" contrarian who 2016 and covid turned into a complete fucking lunatic. But even beyond that, he had a lot of positions that make absolutely no sense. Like that climate change is real... and it's great! And that he doesn't believe in the war on drugs, but would use the army to invade Mexico and dismantle the cartels.
I'm not kidding about the fascist thing either. He has outright said that he believes the president has absolute power and he would unilaterially abolish massive swathes of the government. Even the few sane positions he has, like making voting a federal holiday or a massive inheritance tax, are counterbalanced by his declaration that he'd by fiat repeal the 26th amendment (right to vote at 18), and that every social program in existence needs to be abolished in exchange for MERIT systems, like he, a spoiled rich Harvard brat obviously deserved.
Also, this thread is temporary and may close early if you can't behave. I will be watching
I wonder if Disney will put their gloved thumb on the scale out of spite, very torn on that one.
Hopefully that protects me from the brain worms
He’s unlikable. But he’s not focus testing well. And honestly he can’t win against trump in prison.
Desantis:
Lower gas prices???
More Hunter Biden witchhunts
Chris Christie:
I agree with Desantis
Gonna have to work and do politics?
Strong policy and taxes and blah blah
Moderators attacking Christie for his opponents
Good lord you two read the room
Lets do some crazy racism
I have voted against a lot of things
Joe Biden caused inflation
Let's cut taxes and send money back to states lol
Let me tell you about my time machine to 2004 job and housing markets
Im on a lot of cocaine
Im married
I love jesus
I love America
I love cocaine
Not a lot.of anything on policy, at all. Dodnt even say inflation or jobs, I dont think? Just totally trying to energize his way into brains.
The only person on that stage that I can listen to without immediately wanting to punch is Christie, of all people.
But he’s Hindu, isn’t he?
Did Jesus join that pantheon too
comes out guns blazing against everyone including Trump
I know she worked for Trump
I know she changed her name to better climb the southern evangelical ranks
(formerly “Nimarata Randhawa”)
He's down to drill, frack, to go to war
All.for cocaine
Wasted half his minute circling around from "lets talk about not Biden" to "ok but we blame Biden" and then got applause for fucking "SINOPEC over OPEC"?
but at least we're into borderline racist anti-China rhetoric now. Get some gas going.
I’m sending all my thoughts and prayers with this goal in mind