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Help with life
mime
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I've been lurking for a while and now that I need some advice I figured this might be a good place.
Basically I'm feeling pretty shitty about my situation and was wondering if anyone else has been there, and if so, if it got better and how. I'm 20 and starting my senior year of college next year, and as of now, have yet to make a single friend. Its a big state school 30,000+ people. I've tried to follow some advice given here before, join clubs, talk to people in classes etc. I'm in three different clubs, and actually ran one last year. I've tried talking to people in my classes but not very hard, just because whenever I do its incredibly awkward.
To backtrack a little, this wasn't an issue in highschool. I wasn't incredibly popular or anything, but I thought I had a fair amount of friends. Now I've realized I have very poor / no social skills, and it started to make me wonder if the people I was "friends" with in highschool hung out with me because they felt sorry for me.
And this wouldn't be a very good H/A thread if it didn't involve a girl, so here goes
My senior year of highschool I started dating a girl a few years below me. We dated until the end of the summer when I went off to college. Whenever I was back on a break we would end up hooking up, and in a pretty dumb move, the summer before she was going off to college we got back together. I wasn't even around during the summer, I was on the other side of the country doing an internship.
Things started to click during the summer when I couldn't make friends with anyone then, and I started thinking about school and how it probably isn't normal to be a junior in college without any friends. Basically this was when I started getting really depressed, but having a girlfriend made me somewhat ok with it all. A few months after she went to school she cheated on me and broke up with me, we got back together, then broke up again.
The thing with my ex isn't a huge issue. It gets me really upset to think about her being with another guy but I think I could handle it if I thought she wasn't the only girl in the world that would consider dating me.
Oh and I tried counseling for a little while (I know three sessions doesn't really count as trying), but he just ended up saying what I expected. That for depressed people, what he usually recommends is going out and having fun for a bit, hanging out with friends, socializing etc. And since thats my problem anyway it doesn't really help me.
So to sum up. I'm 20 in a big college with no friends, and probably no social skills to make them.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation?
Did it ever get any better?
What did you do to get better or at least stop feeling suicidal?
Thanks!
Basically I'm feeling pretty shitty about my situation and was wondering if anyone else has been there, and if so, if it got better and how. I'm 20 and starting my senior year of college next year, and as of now, have yet to make a single friend. Its a big state school 30,000+ people. I've tried to follow some advice given here before, join clubs, talk to people in classes etc. I'm in three different clubs, and actually ran one last year. I've tried talking to people in my classes but not very hard, just because whenever I do its incredibly awkward.
To backtrack a little, this wasn't an issue in highschool. I wasn't incredibly popular or anything, but I thought I had a fair amount of friends. Now I've realized I have very poor / no social skills, and it started to make me wonder if the people I was "friends" with in highschool hung out with me because they felt sorry for me.
And this wouldn't be a very good H/A thread if it didn't involve a girl, so here goes
My senior year of highschool I started dating a girl a few years below me. We dated until the end of the summer when I went off to college. Whenever I was back on a break we would end up hooking up, and in a pretty dumb move, the summer before she was going off to college we got back together. I wasn't even around during the summer, I was on the other side of the country doing an internship.
Things started to click during the summer when I couldn't make friends with anyone then, and I started thinking about school and how it probably isn't normal to be a junior in college without any friends. Basically this was when I started getting really depressed, but having a girlfriend made me somewhat ok with it all. A few months after she went to school she cheated on me and broke up with me, we got back together, then broke up again.
The thing with my ex isn't a huge issue. It gets me really upset to think about her being with another guy but I think I could handle it if I thought she wasn't the only girl in the world that would consider dating me.
Oh and I tried counseling for a little while (I know three sessions doesn't really count as trying), but he just ended up saying what I expected. That for depressed people, what he usually recommends is going out and having fun for a bit, hanging out with friends, socializing etc. And since thats my problem anyway it doesn't really help me.
So to sum up. I'm 20 in a big college with no friends, and probably no social skills to make them.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation?
Did it ever get any better?
What did you do to get better or at least stop feeling suicidal?
Thanks!
mime on
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Also, what went wrong with the clubs?
Nothing really happened with the clubs, they're computer and math based so they really aren't the best social activities. And its expected that you will run them for only a year so you can give other people a chance.
As far as the "this will pass", I know it will, but thats kind of the problem. I've been interning where I will probably work when I graduate, and its a lot harder here. At school I have a few acquaintances at least, but here I can't even really make those. I mean I'll talk to people at work but I can't get any farther then that. I figure it should be a lot easier to make friends during college and if I can't do it then, I certainly won't be able to in the "real world".
*EDIT*
I know things like MySpace are considered lame by lots of people but I've got not problem admitting that I've made some good friends via MySpace.
What do you mean internet networking? Like making friends online? I've tried being on forums and such, or talking to people in games I play but I'm pretty sure I'm just as bad socially online.
All you gotta do is go into your bathroom, take off your shirt, and take a picture of yourself in the mirror and you're pretty much guaranteed to make friends!
I'm not the most social person ever, either so when people talk to me I sometimes have to make a very conscious effort to say something that doesn't just kill the conversation.
Talking about things you actually care about talking about helps, too.
But, it doesn't really bother me. My dad actually suspects I might have Aspergers, and while I think he's self-diagnosing a bit much, I am pretty sure I'm not the mainline personality type. So maybe what works for me doesn't work for others, but, internet friendships have really been good to me. Between these forums and my City of Heroes group (also based here in PA), there's people I've talked to practically every night for 3-5 years. There's a PA IRC roleplaying group I get together with every week, since last October. And before here, I used to visit other forums and game communities too. It's been great for me; people who share my interests (I've met about zero people irl who would get a comic book joke reference, for example), and who stay with me wherever I am, even when I move. And if you have the money or live in the right area for it, online communities (not just PA) often have real life get togethers.
Now, the ideal advice would probably be to get out of the house and go to parties and that, and I've got no helpful advice there I can give you. But, if you're having trouble making friends irl, hanging out online might not be a bad idea, at least until you end up moving out of school and your situation may change. At the very least, online friendships can be a nice addition to real life friendships.
You said it yourself, the clubs do not lend themselves to socializing. If you want clubs to be a gateway to making friends, they need to be centered on social activities. You may not be interested or know much about the other clubs on campus, but you can't know that for sure until you attend some of the meetings and get a good look at them.
Also, have you considered Greek life at all? You may not think a fraternity is "for you," but if you get lucky like I did, you can find one that breaks the Animal House mold. Even if you don't go on to become a fraternity member, you are likely to make great friends just by attending events they hold.
Really, the key is all in breaking out of your comfort zone. Socially speaking, I wish I was at a school like yours, since there are about 30 times the people. If you don't hit it off with one of thirty-thousand people, it doesn't hurt much, and there will be other opportunities.
Mostly I was wondering if anyone was like this at one point in their life during or after college, and then got better. Like, is there any realistic hope that this is going to change, or are my social skills now indicative of what they will be for the rest of my life? Because that has me really worried and I'm finding it a little hard to want to keep going if thats the case.
I don't go to clubs or party really, my self. There's also nothing I hate more than talking to random people but I make off okay.
It kinda sounds like making friends wasn't really all that important to you in the past but maybe recently you've decided to try for it. If that's the case then you're definitely on the right track.
Anywho - I'd go home on the weekends to hang out with my high school friends. In high school people generally liked me, and I'd hang out with people every other day. I was the comedian of sorts.
In college, many of the people I met I would define as a waste of space. Many of the kids on my floor were the typical chauvinistic pricks, who while I hated, played video games. I would sit in their dorm room, make small chat, but then they'd get drunk and do stupid shit so I left.
They were morons. Some of them dropped out. Good riddance.
Sophomore year I said fuck it. I mean, I joined fencing, a senate group in school, and participated in activities. I just never found anyone I found that I could really connect with - and this is a large state school.
Junior year (this past year) was completely different. I landed on a floor and did the same thing I had all the previous years, staying in my room, studying, reading a lot, but when I stepped out I'd more or less rant on a comedy routine akin to Lewis Black. People laughed, and through that I got to know them. I'd hang out in the lounge a lot more and just make small talk with people and I came to find out that many of them were geeks like me, enjoyed playing sports, and most importantly (to me anyway) didn't get hammered every weekend.
They are not stupid people either. This past year was amazing - girls floor would come down to the basement and we'd all just sort of chill, talking about stuff, playing some crystal chronicles. It was a really amazing experience that I know I'll never get to experience again, but will greatly remember and cherish.
So in summation - it all sort of fell into place. I didn't really go looking - I was just being me. People originally thought I was some sort of recluse or hermit...maybe a bit weird, but as one of the girls said, "I thought you were weird as hell, or maybe even an angry nerd when I first met you...but you're frighteningly normal."
So yeah, it wasn't too bad, but I can't emphasize how amazing it was to find a floor full of people who had similar and complimentary behaviors/interests as I.
Watch people at the park who have to walk their dogs. The tangle up their pet's leashes and have to talk to each other. Or the dogs sniff each other and the obligatory, "what kind of cute dog is that?" starts. It's an instant conversation piece. Those easy conversations make the harder ones easier. Soon having a conversation doesn't become a mental battle and the end result is hopefully positive.
The huge added bonus is that you have a genuine, unconditional friend when you get home. A shitty day can be solved by a dog in my opinion.
It sounds stupid for something sounding pretty serious but honestly it's what I would do. A labrador they are nice and funny.
PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
But that doesn't mean I'm not friendly with people and that I don't get along with people. I get along great with some of my wife's friends (who are arguably mine too), I've got a friend or two from college I keep in touch with, and so on. I'm going back to school for a masters and while I've met people and could be friends with them, I don't like putting in the effort. I'm an introvert in the classic way -- meaning that I enjoy spending time by myself, and get tired or bored when I have to spend time socializing for a long time.
However, the problem it sounds like you're having is the "social awkwardness" aspect. Talking is just talking. You don't have to say something profound or funny, just something relevant. So you're talking about video games, you ask the guy who owns a [console] what [game] is like since you were reading stuff about it. Ask about other games. I mean, you don't have to socialize or have friends unless you want them, and in that case you should see what it is that you wanted a friend for.
Me, I like a small group of friends for board games and grillin'. So I talk to those friends about... board games and grillin'! Again, talking to people doesn't have to be nuanced or deep, and it can even be as inane as "hey have you see all these stupid lolcat pictures?"
As far as changing, I used to be the "sit there and not say anything" guy. What changes is I opened my mouth and said "fuck it, I'd rather be in the conversation than ignored." Don't be afraid to ask questions, or probe further when people mention something that's interesting. And if it's not interesting, don't brush it off, but say something like "yeah i've never really been able to get into that" which will still continue the conversation. It's entirely possible to change, and many people do both during and after college. Actually, getting out of college is when a lot of people tend to become more sociable because they're placed in a job where they see the same people for a long period of time and there's relative stability, so you're more free to be social.
edited to add: oh, don't literally open your mouth and say "fuck it i'm going to be in the conversation."
Yeah, this is definitely the linchpin, as you seem to understand. After all, what's the point in joining this or doing that if you aren't comfortable talking to people?
So. Conversations 101. I'm sure other, smarter people will have much more to say on the subject but here are the first couple things that come to my mind:
- Ask questions. Be interested. People want to talk to people who find them interesting. Now don't fake it or overdo it - if they tell you something basic like "I'm a journalism major" you're not supposed to go " :shock: Wow, that's amazing!" but acknowledge it (nod, say something, whatever) and perhaps add something that shows appreciation, sympathy, or understanding - "journo? That's cool - man, I couldn't handle those sorts of deadlines" but again, if you don't know much about the subject don't fake it. Just be honestly curious - if you're interested in people's lives, they will open up to you. Don't just do this with people you want to be friends with, though - learn to be curious about everyone. See, the cool thing is, as you get to know more people, and more different types of people, you'll gain knowledge that'll help you in future social encounters - both from the act of interacting, and from listening to the things that they tell you.
- Now you're probably asking, "What sort of questions should I ask? How do I get the ball rolling?" Well, think of it like a camera zooming in on its subject. Start broadly and then work your way in. The broadest and most obvious avenue of approach is why you're both in that place at that time - "So what do you need organic chem for?" Then get more specific. "Pre-med? So have you settled on a grad school, or is it way too early to ask that?" Don't conduct it like an interrogation - your mission is not to extract the location of the bomb. If they go onto a tangent unrelated to your question, follow them there, since it's obviously something they wanted to talk about, right? That's a mistake I see a lot of nonsocial types make - "yes, cooking, that's very interesting, but I was asking you about where you were going to grad school." Don't be that guy. Follow people where they want to lead you, and use your questions as grease to keep them talking, keep the wheels turning.
- Don't offer advice unless asked for it. Seriously. That's another mistake I see people make. What people usually want is sympathy, not answers; if somebody's complaining about their commute you're supposed to commiserate, say "yeah, fucking traffic, can't believe that new construction on Elm Street", etc., not demand the details of their route and go to Google Maps and try and fix it for them, which is exactly what like half the comp-sci majors in my dorm would have done if we'd had Google back in those mist-shrouded centuries.
- Come prepared. You can't rehearse for conversations, but it doesn't mean you can't bring a cheat sheet. If your answers to questions like "where do you live?" or "what do you do?" or "what sort of music do you like?" tend to be soul-deadeningly long, and you've noticed people turning away to look at more interesting things as you elucidate the finer points of your job, it might be time to figure out how to take the answers to common questions like that and boil them down into short, easily-remembered sentences. I know when you're nervous it's easy to think of conversation as a labyrinth, where you just keep stringing out a ball of yarn like Theseus hoping to sort of luck on the way out of the question. If you're doing that, just stop talking and say something like "Anyway...sorry about that" to acknowledge that you were droning on and it's the other person's turn to talk now.
- Er, obvious stuff like bathing and hygiene and so on. You seem like a smart enough guy but I feel the need to mention it just in case. And honestly, it never hurts to spend a few extra minutes getting yourself looking nice before going out and maybe slapping on a bit of the old ox musk.
I think that's really important. After all, if you're with one or two other people and nobody's talking... it's not just your fault... they're not talking either. Don't feel like you failed somehow just because neither of you is talking. Sometimes people just dont have shit to talk about.
Remington I don't know what to say about the confidence stuff. I don't have very much and its kind of hard for me to fake. I can sometimes do it if I'm meeting someone new, but it doesn't last long.
Now I want to learn harpooning.
that could work.
PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
and you get to practice your intense hatred of pets. i think you have found your new calling. now get out there and run for congress!
PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
Look 'em in the eye, as well. Staring down at your feet, or off into the distance might give the impression that you don't want to talk to them, and just want to get the conversation over as quickly as possible. A lot of emotion is conveyed through the eyes, and looking someone in the eye gives the signal that you care about what they have to say.
The danger on the other end of the spectrum, of course, is ONLY looking at their eyes and NEVER EVER MOVING YOUR GAZE ONE IOTA BECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING CONVERSATION. Don't do this. It gives the other person the impression that you're trying to set them on fire with your mind. I did it during my first job interview because my dad told me that looking someone in the eye was a surefire way to get a job; I think they called a priest in to cleanse the room after I left. Try to find a happy medium between the two.
If you have a rut/routine that gets you through the week its really easy not to make any friends. Because you get too engaged in your routine, and even though you want to reach out to someone it becomes just an extension of your rut.
You need to put yourself in situations where you need to make friends. This can be freaking unpleasant at first, but you'll eventually find someone you click with. Travelling is one example. Non-computer based clubs is another. A sport club would be a much smarter bet.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Definitely good advice. Confidence is key.
Let me help you with this: Judging by this thread, you aren't just cool, you're the baddest motherfucker to ever walk along the face of the earth.
Now get out there and make those friends!
The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine
and
How to Make People Like You in 90 seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman
I know the titles sound a bit cheesy, but they are quite good. I work in sales so I have to change someone's impression of me (most people automatically mistrust me because of my job) and convince them to buy things, otherwise I don't make any money ;-).