My Father passed away.

Hawkstone

As the title says my dad passed a few months ago and I feel like I never really felt the appropriate amount of grief. Our relationship was complicated, He loved the son I pretended to be very much, and I did it because I loved him. I can't say It wasn't worth it, he was a flawed man with a temper but he was a good dad with bigoted views. I identify as trans but will never transition and he is mostly the reason why. I wasn't strong enough to lose my family and now it feels too late. Beyond that when he passed my mother needed somebody to guide the ship through the storm and my older brother who was always his favorite essentially couldn't handle the loss and still can't. They talked daily, were each other's best friends. Anyway here we are months later and it is nearing his birthday, he was also a huge Christmas guy so the holiday looms large, and I feel like I deliberately went numb. I took it on the chin for everyone because I could and now I never really mourned the loss. I feel like I was cold and pragmatic about it and now I can't access those feelings. Too much time has passed. I feel guilty for it, but not sad. I know this is the advice thread and I welcome it, but I also just needed to put these words out there somewhere.

BahamutZERO

For what it's worth there's no right way to mourn, or to feel about somebody's passing; if it just left you feeling numb, that's how it is. Sometimes people feel numb to it for a long time and then grief hits unexpectedly months or years later, but often it just doesn't hit you the way you think it's supposed to at all. Try not to beat yourself up for not feeling the "right" feelings. Whatever you are feeling is exactly what you're supposed to.

Hahnsoo1

Grief isn't a one-size-fits-all thing. Grief can be complicated, and it sounds like it is, in your case. There isn't really an "appropriate" way to do grief. We are told all the time by movies and books and media and our peers/family how to grieve, but in the end, every person has to wrestle with it in their own way. You did what it took to survive, it sounds like, for your own circumstances.

While there is a certain emotional catharsis that you can get from fully feeling those crushing emotions of sadness, sometimes this is just temporary relief. If there's anything that I've learned with my personal journey of grief, it's that even when you think it's gone away, sometimes it can come rushing back at you at the most unexpected times, years later. If that happens to you (and I'm not saying it will), consider letting it happen and experiencing it.

First anniversaries of special days easily can be a trigger, as you are finding out by being pushed to write that all down. It can be difficult to be the One To Hold It Together, especially with other burdens that you are also carrying.

The other thing that I can tell you is that time is long, and years are a long time. A lot can change in that period of time. It may be too late for some things, but you never know how things can turn out in the long run.

RoyceSraphim

At some piont, you will use a skill or memory tied to them.

It will burn like fire.

Then, after a period of time fitting for you, the burning will stop and you'll continue with what you were doing.

Then next time it happens with that skill or memory you use, it will take less time.

Eventually, you'll use all of them.

It will still hurt, but you'll have grown around the pain.

Cello

Have you spoken to a professional, both about these expressions of grief but also about your trans identity? You have such massive obligations to your family, and that can be hard to carry as a burden on your own. Talking to someone about that, as well as ways for you to express that identity in a safe way for you, might be the single best thing you could ever do for yourself.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for the struggle you currently find yourself in.

Artereis

Don't feel guilty if you find you need to be angry, either. It sounds like you sacrificed a lot of yourself.

Hawkstone

I appreciate the advice and encouragement. I definitely have to think on it. I have been considering therapy for a while now. I have pushed feelings down for so long, I know I have to open that bottle eventually, but it is daunting.

Thundyrkatz

I am sorry for your loss, having lost my own dad 7 years ago, that is a hard one. Your parents occupy a unique place in your life. Definitely recommend talking to a professional. You always hear that feelings are neither good or bad. Its how you react to them that matters. One thing that is often overlooked though is that a lot of times, especially for people that have learned to "keep the peace" is that we don't experience our feelings. We see them, and register their character, but we have forgotten how to experience them. While that is generally a great skill for maintaining a façade of calm in the face of chaos. It is not a recipe for good mental health. From your post it sounds a lot like you are questioning why you are not feeling the grief of your fathers passing, and this could be part of it. Talking with a therapist can be a really big help in this and as an extension a lot of your life.