how to convince someone to stop smoking and drinking who refuses to

Crippl3

my father is making everything wose in our house because he won't stop sneaking white claw into seltzer bottles even when driving and him and my mom and I have been arguing about it for years
he won't stop and now he's also started buying cigarettes on the sly, he even made a secret credit card to buy booze and ended up getting his truck repossessed for a day over it because he wasn't paying (he got it back)

I'm tired of the arguing and the screaming and him driving drunk
someone just please help I don't even know what I'm asking at this point

Crippl3

we just had a 30 minute fucking screaming contest because of the fucking joey chestnut shit in the news, all because he's a huge fucking baby and completely misunderstood a question I asked him about soemthing he said, which turned into a screaming match about the nature of truth and how we all beat up on him because he's a conservative and oh make sure to at least tell your mother about all this when you snitch and there's only 2 genders and I can't stand it when it's being thrown at my face and I'm so fucking sick of him being a huge fucking persecution complex asshole

Calica

I don't think you can, unfortunately. The important thing for you is to focus on your own safety. Do you have a trusted adult figure you can reach out to, like a teacher or a counselor? (I'm assuming you're a minor because it sounds like you live with your parents and are relatively powerless; apologies if that is not the case!)

Skeith

Nuclear option would be reporting him for drunk driving.

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BlindZenDriver

Report his driving to the police. It likely won't help relations in the family at first, but if he does see the error of his ways it will.

kaid

Crippl3 wrote: »

my father is making everything wose in our house because he won't stop sneaking white claw into seltzer bottles even when driving and him and my mom and I have been arguing about it for years
he won't stop and now he's also started buying cigarettes on the sly, he even made a secret credit card to buy booze and ended up getting his truck repossessed for a day over it because he wasn't paying (he got it back)

I'm tired of the arguing and the screaming and him driving drunk
someone just please help I don't even know what I'm asking at this point

I lived through this myself and unfortunately the answer is you really can't. Until they want to do it themselves there is not a ton you can say or do that would change that. When the addiction has them in its grip anything you say is just going to bounce off. If they come to the point they want to/start making changes then assist them as best you can. I had to deal with this with my dad and even after a couple bouts of cancer and a DUI he just could not stop smoking and drinking.

spool32

Everyone is right. What you need to do is reach out to someone outside your family circle of adults. Your mom won't be able to make him stop, and you definitely won't be able to. What you have to do is make some connection with adult people who are healthy enough to offer you some support, a listening ear at minimum. A teacher, a therapist, a coach, a friend's family.

Addiction is an illness that makes you fight to stay sick. If you fight them to get well, they will fight back to stay sick because they have an illness that makes them do it. Your only real option, until you have the power or authority to force him to change, is to take care of yourself in whatever ways you can while you put together a plan to stop living with a person who is literally threatening your actual life with their illness.

Riboflavin

I'll echo Calica, you can't stop him.

Until he gets to the point where he is like "This sucks but I can't stop" and "I'll do anything to quit" there is not alot you can do. You might want to look into alanon or get an AA Big Book and read the stories in the back.

https://al-anon.org/

Donnicton

The only thing that I could suggest that doesn't just echo everyone else is that I have a grandfather that has historically had a tendency not to listen to family, but would often repeat back to us anything that his political/masonic buddies would tell him in conversation, even if it was something we already told him recently("Hey I just heard that..." yes we know we told you two days ago).

If you know if he has any more level-headed friends among his social circles that he's more willing to listen to who would be willing to help externally bring it up separately, it might be an avenue to try.

Pacificstar

I have a childhood friend who is approaching morbid obesity and was drinking and smoking incessantly. The only that has ever worked (he was sober for about a year) was an emotional appeal to his health/his life. I had a serious conversation with him where I explained that I'm worried he's killing himself with alcohol.

For you, it's not about personal attacks (regardless of how many he makes). It's about being scared for his life. He may not agree with you, but he's at least unlikely to blow up on you. His politics and personal beliefs (while odious) are unrelated to his drinking. The appeal is more or less

1. I don't want to see you go to jail for drinking while driving, even though it's probably not going to be your fault (IT WILL BE his fault, but we're avoiding attacks - real and perceived)
2. I can't imagine how mom would get by without you if #1 happened
3. While I disagree with you on a billion things, I'm worried for your health and I want you to be alive so I can argue with you. I'm worried that all this drinking is going to put you in a very bad place, physically.

This probably won't solve the problem, but MAY get through to him in a way that doesn't devolve into an argument.

Crippl3

Qere gonna get in a big fight in a bit, me and him and mom, because they were arguing about him drinking and driving
Dad keeps saying that they're probably gonna get divorced tonight
All because he won't stop
Why won't he stop
Why can't thigns just be good

Crippl3

Why can't I be less of a useless piece of shit
I'm 36 years old and is till don't have a job and I still live with my parents imel fucking useless and dad is always passed off about it maybe he's right but that doesn't mean he can blame his drinking on me

Crippl3

I'd don't e en know ow why I'm posting this shit I'm just pathetically begging for sympathy or something I don't know

V1m

You can't help your dad until he wants to be helped

Your first responsibility is to yourself.

HappylilElf

@Crippl3 You're not a useless piece of shit.

I've known useless pieces of shit and not a single one of them ever questioned or even realized they were one in the first place so sorry, you're out of the running.

I don't have nearly enough information to know why you're 36 and living with your parents but that is not inherently some kind of indictment of you by any means. There's a ton of very valid reasons for that to be the case. Hell, I lived with my parents on and off into my 30s as well.

Without more info all I can say is something that reinforces what V1m said. Your Dad isn't a thing you can fix. All you can do is focus on your own situation.

Obviously try and be supportive of him if he does need help getting through it but focus on your own well being first.

And please realize that fixing him not only isn't your responsibility but something that you literally cannot accomplish on your own.

V1m

And even if fixing your dad was your responsibility, it's not one you can fulfill unless you meet your primary responsibility of looking after yourself.

Keep in mind that when you're dealing with an addict, you're dealing with the addiction at least as much as you're dealing with the person. As things stand, asking him to ease it off with the White Claws is about as productive as telling someone with malaria to stop sweating and shivering. Until your father's life deterioriates to the point where even the unpleasant process of him admitting his addiction and him committing to dealing with it, there is literally nothing you can say. Just being depressed and disappointed at him merely feeds the addiction. Actually getting the fuck on with your own life and being happy even though he's an addict will be a much louder wake-up call to him.

Edit: And by the sound of it, you can probably expect "him" to oppose you doing this. But when the guilt trips and the tantrums and the self-harm threats come, remember that they're coming from the addiction.