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How to End it Swiftly (Girlfriend)
SoonerMan
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
My girlfriend and I have been going out for a year and... whatever. I don't really recall.. I love the girl to death. We've been through so much together, but in the end its just been too much fighting since we've hit the year point. At that time I really started talking to other girls while still with her. It never amounted to much, just talking. The closest it got to "cheating" was another girl and me started talking about her giving me a blowjob and other stuff. I told her about that. She was obviously crushed, but reassured by the fact that I stopped myself before I let anything happened.
I always held her accountable when it came to the fear of "cheating." Lo and behold I was simply being a hypocrite and talking behind her back. I mean he WAS being obvious about flirting with her and I'm sure she would have broken off with him sooner or later, but... I still feel guilty. Recently I told her that I was wanting to talk to other girls when I want to college; just to know what was out there. She's my first kiss, real girlfriend, and all kinds of other firsts. I want to make sure, regardless of how many times I've told her we're perfect for eachother I know I've done her wrong.
Which brings me to the fact that I simply must end it. I've fallen for a girl I met at a leadership camp a year ago and recently came back into contact with. I'm the dick, sleeze, asshole... whatever. I know I've fucked up. I want to put it to her as best as I can, but still letting her know that she's special to me.
Simply I'm asking for ways to build the courage and just let it go and tell her. I also want to do it easily, I don't want it to be messy. I still would love to be her friend, but I just... cannot stay with her. For no particular reason, but at this point I just want/need something different.
Thank you guys in advance.
I always held her accountable when it came to the fear of "cheating." Lo and behold I was simply being a hypocrite and talking behind her back. I mean he WAS being obvious about flirting with her and I'm sure she would have broken off with him sooner or later, but... I still feel guilty. Recently I told her that I was wanting to talk to other girls when I want to college; just to know what was out there. She's my first kiss, real girlfriend, and all kinds of other firsts. I want to make sure, regardless of how many times I've told her we're perfect for eachother I know I've done her wrong.
Which brings me to the fact that I simply must end it. I've fallen for a girl I met at a leadership camp a year ago and recently came back into contact with. I'm the dick, sleeze, asshole... whatever. I know I've fucked up. I want to put it to her as best as I can, but still letting her know that she's special to me.
Simply I'm asking for ways to build the courage and just let it go and tell her. I also want to do it easily, I don't want it to be messy. I still would love to be her friend, but I just... cannot stay with her. For no particular reason, but at this point I just want/need something different.
Thank you guys in advance.
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Just be respectful of her feelings while you're doing this.
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Don't tell me that I never loved her or that I don't know what it is. I fell head over heels for this girl, I moved the fucking universe to make her happy. After a while I just lost romantic interest in it all. I should have it ended it long ago. I understand I messed up, I've stated that. If she doesn't want to talk to me again, I'm not going to force her. I love many people and I do my best to not hurt them. Fact of the matter is I can't do everything right, ok?
inexperience for the lose.
Fellhand had the correct answer with the band-aid analogy.
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PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
Thats what I'm afraid of. I know she's really falling for me at the moment. She's loving everything, and I just... just simply can't.
There are no magic words that make it easier. Keep it short. Don't listen to any pleading or crying. Don't comfort her.
I've been contemplating this for a good while, but now do I feel like I really need to do something. Honestly, though I don't know what the fuck I want. The girl I am talking to is two hours away, and its not even a guaranteed thing. My current girlfriend, or soon to be ex, is a great person. We click on a lot of cylinders, but when it comes down to it we contrast too much for my tastes. The things I'm really passionate about (video games, sports, the leadership camp) she knows nothing about. She's gone to a couple of OU games with me, played a few video games but its just not there. It just... I don't know. I just don't know.
To make things more complicated, I don't know if I want to do this before we go to Beta Convention in about a week just because I want everything to go smoothly there. We'll be together for four days, not alone, so I'm sure at some point it might get awkward. Her mom will be there too, so I don't want anything to happen.
Don't say "I hope we can be friends" - you can't expect that and it's basically a slap in the face anyway.
But yeah, just end it. Say "hey, I really feel like a jerk but I think we need to call it quits. we've been having a lot of fights and I'm going off to college and I really want both of us to have a clean slate."
in all seriousness i agree with below
I simply told her I was digging somebody else; that I didn't see a future with her. It sucks to do it, but that's the best way. The band-aid analogy is perfect.
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Fuck that, don't ever fucking break up on the phone. The only time phonecall breakups are permissable is when your girlfriend calls you from Australia to tell you about the gangbang she just had.
Or possibly if you've just been abducted by aliens but for some reason your cellphone still works, you can call your significant other to give them the heads up that you're now ET's bitch. But that's it.
As for the actual (in person) breakup that you enjoyed your time together, will never forget, etc, and that you just don't see a future. Personally I'm on the fence about bringing up the other woman.
Ya, but thats why I feel compelled to tell her. I told her I'd be open and honest with her and I obviously haven't been. I know I'm trying to do this easy, but my intentions were to let her know what exactly was going on. If its really best to not say anything, then I won't.
she is going to get it out of him.
PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
I may be wrong, but the way I see it is that you may not even get together with this other girl, and the fact that you're having urges to start new relationships with other women isn't even reliant on this girl - you want a clean slate and your current girlfriend just isn't compatible with you anymore. There's nothing wrong with saying "I just don't see a future, I want to see other people" and not getting into the specifics.
I don't know, man, that seems kind of like you're giving her false hope if you don't want to get back together, and it seems unfair to put her on a backburner while you chase other girls. If you tell her you want a break to sort your feelings out and decide what you want to do with her, I can see that working out a lot better than "I want to date other girls but I think I might want to date you in the future too"
that sounds like you are stringing her along. I'd advise against this if you want to remain friends.
PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
Don't make it like the office where you have a little sit down chat and you're firing her. Don't pretend like everything is okay. Don't ask if you can be friends, if she wants to see you still chances are she will call the next day and you two will talk about it (be careful not to get sucked back in here). Do it in person, with the utmost honesty and sincerety. Tell her that you don't want to be with her anymore. If she asks you why then tell her; avoid using specific names if she knows the other girl.
Be assertive but not aggressive, be kind but not supplicating. It's okay if she wants to cry or wants to be held, just, when she goes in for the kiss, which she may, continue to be assertive.
This will be tough, but you will both feel better if you are honest about the situation and your feelings and compassionate towards hers.
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end it completely unless you are just trying to mess with her. in my humble opinion you don't care at all for her well being if you want her to stick around waiting in the background until you have found yourself or whatever. she will hate you for it later and rightfully so.
PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
Everyone's giving you good advice as to how to break it off -- quickly, respectfully, in person. I have to say, however, that hoping that you'll be able to break up with her and then get back together with her later is unrealistic. Even if it's realistic, it's kind of cruel to keep her hoping.
Either break up with her and know that it's forever, or don't break up with her and try to make it work. Trying to have it both ways is just going to end up with one (or both) of you frustrated, lonely, and bitter.
Seriously. Take it from one who knows too well.
My last girlfriend called me on valentines day, and left me a message. She basically said "I know, its valentines day, its fucked up, but I just don't like you enough".
It was like I was hit by a bus, but then the next day, I felt oddly good about things, and wanted to get back out there already.
Not saying this is exactly what you may want to do, but it was my experience.
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Maybe that's a bad analogy, but the OP shouldn't fool himself that maybe it'll work in the future. Maybe it will -- maybe they'll get back together after college and realize that the people they've become work together fantastically. But that's not something you tell someone when you break up with them, because it simply lets them sit on the 1st stage of coping with loss -- denial. The bus approach gets you through all of the stages pretty quickly, because you know that it's over.
It's just a bad idea to do anything other than end it completely if it's going to end.
You have to decide what it is you really want. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
I'd like to second this opinion. Honestly, if my wife had everything in common with me it would drive me insane. Eventually you just want your own alone time, and it's nice to have your own personal interests to fall back on in those situations. When I want some companionship then we have that common ground.
Third'd.
If you find someone that is exactly like you, you'll find out just how much you hate yourself in a very short period of time.
You can't just put her on a shelf and say, I'm gonna see what else is out there, but keep you here for later. If you're sure you want to be with her later, or even if you're not, but thing you might want to be, I would recommend NOT breaking up with her. You have to remember that if you break her heart, if you tell her you want to see/"talk" to other people, nothing will go back to the way it was before. That might be a good thing.
You could always try some space away from each other...don't call it a break, just give each other room to grow as people. You can always break up with her later if that doesn't help you get your head straight. Also, even though this has not been my personal experience, I hear that you can be friends with the opposite sex without there being anything more than friendship there. From the way you tell it, you feel like you can't be.
If you do end it, I suggest you be kind, be honest, and be patient. You may think of it as a bandaid being ripped off, but that's not how it's going to seem from her perspective. So be prepared for tears, for questions, recriminations and the like. I'm not saying this will all happen as it will depend on how she takes your break up, but they are things to be prepared for. Also, make sure this is something you really want first - you'll need that resolve to follow through.
If you do break up with her, kiss Beta Convention good-bye. Neither she nor her mom (ESPECIALLY her mom) will want to be stuck around you after breaking her heart.
What is the driving force behind dating? To find someone to potentially spend the rest of your life with. (If that's not your answer, then that's not dating ;-)) So if you've got the idea that she is someone you would want to be with for a long time, then breaking up, running the entire dating race, then trying to win her back seems like a round-about way to get where you already are. And if she might be that someone, getting together at a later date doesn't mean those problems you're having now will go away. It sounds like your relationship has evolved from the honeymoon stage to the real part of the relationship, with real problems. A solid, trusting relationship takes understanding, self-awareness, empathy, compromise, an open mind, and a hell of a lot of time and effort.
What about these other girls excites you in ways that your girlfriend doesn't? More importantly, what has been lost in your current relationship that originally brought you two together in the first place? I agree with witch_ie's viewpoint: once you're available, she's available too. From the standpoint of the dumped who found better, find out what you truly want before you do something you regret.
"Nothing worth having comes easy."
You say she is still in love with you; therefore, you need to break it off completely. She will be upset. She will cry. And for a while, she will still hope that you two will get back together. If YOU are going to date around, then you need to give her the clean break she needs to be able to date around herself.
My ex and I broke up with the "This is a break, we might get back together" clause. He initated the breakup. I, however, realized that it was a chance for me to have a clean break and date around -- I found a great guy a few months later. My ex was heartbroken. He figured we would get back together after I had "straightened my life out". I straightened my life out... and cut him out of it. It took him months to realize that we would never get back together, and even now, he cannot talk to me or be around me because of his old feelings. We broke up 1.5 years ago.
So please, for the benefit to both of you, make it a clean break. No if, ands, or buts. If she says "Will we ever get back together?", do not say "Later, I just want to see what else is out there." Neither of you should put your lives on hold. Make it so you can BOTH move on with your lives. And maybe, if you decide you miss her and want to try again, give her a call. Just don't let her have lingering hope that the relationship will be there later, when it most likely won't.
It's not working out, I want to see other people is all you need.
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