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So I keep hoping she'll break up
Underdog
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Background: Recently got a job at a bookstore. I was trained alongside 4 other girls and I got along well with them. Now I'm sort of introverted and this has resulted in a life with few friends. However after working a few shifts with one of the girls (let's call her Sara), I found myself quite easily warming up to her. In fact, working shifts with her actually makes me a better employee because I open up to her and then I end up opening up to the customers. Awesome.
Now to the present. I like her. I really do. And I want to ask her out. But I've had an unwelcome discovery. She has a boyfriend. Damn. Good ones always taken. Tough luck. Too bad for me. Blah blah blah, ok I can deal with it. Definitely still want to be friends.
Problem: I know I don't have a chance with her but in my mind, I keep fantasizing that she'll break up for some reason or another (all of which are pretty out there) and that... well, you know, I'll be given a chance. I don't want to think like this though. I mean, I don't feel good being the kind of person that would wish for Sara to experience heartache just so I could have a chance. What kind of friend is that? Does anyone know how to stop thinking like this? Better yet, is this a common thought in these situations? Am I a bad person for thinking these thoughts?
Another related question: What's the usual advice for dating co-workers? I was always under the impression that it was not really a smart thing and, until I started at the bookstore, I always figured I'd never have a problem with it.
Now to the present. I like her. I really do. And I want to ask her out. But I've had an unwelcome discovery. She has a boyfriend. Damn. Good ones always taken. Tough luck. Too bad for me. Blah blah blah, ok I can deal with it. Definitely still want to be friends.
Problem: I know I don't have a chance with her but in my mind, I keep fantasizing that she'll break up for some reason or another (all of which are pretty out there) and that... well, you know, I'll be given a chance. I don't want to think like this though. I mean, I don't feel good being the kind of person that would wish for Sara to experience heartache just so I could have a chance. What kind of friend is that? Does anyone know how to stop thinking like this? Better yet, is this a common thought in these situations? Am I a bad person for thinking these thoughts?
Another related question: What's the usual advice for dating co-workers? I was always under the impression that it was not really a smart thing and, until I started at the bookstore, I always figured I'd never have a problem with it.
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If you're dating someone who works with you, try to work with them as little as possible.
It's normal. Waiting and hoping that she'll break up and being prepared to pick up the pieces is something I remember feeling several times.
I can promise you that dating a co-worker is alright.... while you're dating. It's awkward because if you're in a job with several others (you have 3 OTHER girls no less) you're in for a lot of gossip and talking behind your back. Not necessarily bad talk, just talk.
When I was dating a co-worker people would constantly talk about our relationship. I don't even know WHAT they talked about. After a period of time, what could they possibly discuss right? But it still happened.
but, if and when you break up it becomes hell on earth. Take my word on that.
All in all, I would advise extreme caution.
Just stay friends with her, but make an effort to meet other women. If she does break up with her boyfriend, maybe you'll have a shot with her, but, as I said before, you probably shouldn't rest all of your hopes on her.
Just try not to pin everything in your sex life on this one woman. Life is too short to get tunnel vision!
As for dating at work, I didn't follow anyone's advice and dated someone I worked with. We were both managers, and when we broke up (even though initially it was clean, non-shit-hits-the-fan break up) it was exxxxxxxxtremly awkward. If you do end up in that position, try spending as little time as possible togther at work. Try to work some different shifts if possible. And if you fight, rest assured, everyone at your employment is going to know about it.
Concerning the girl; if you wish to pursue her provided she breaks up with her boyfriend you need to distance yourself now in order to not become a good friend. Good friends usually don't end up as boyfriends. You'd be the shoulder to cry on but not the rebound. Ideally you don't want to be the rebound because that usually doesn't work out either. :?
Shogun Streams Vidya
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Yeah, that's about the most common fantasy. I always feel guilty afterwards though.
To Shogun: Yeah I know about how thinking about her a lot and I'm aware where it could lead (although I'm pretty self-aware so I can be sure I'll never hit stalker level. I do worry sometimes though that I could cross the line of friendship because of my attraction to her but I'm pretty careful of that too) but I'm not too worried about it.
Ok so does this go away? Or does it only go away once I get over her? I guess it would right? I mean, as long as I'm still holding onto the faint hope of my little fantasies, I'll never really get over her?
ARGH. Why does all this have to... ARGH! Ok ok. *sigh*
Don't put her on a pedestal. Keep playing the field and always keep options open. People don't admit it, but everyone keeps their list of 'possibles.' I'm sure you're on her list, but right now she isn't thinking about said list if she's committed to her guy. It will ease with time if you stop focusing so much on her. Just move on to the next girl and remain her friend. Never write her off though. Time changes everything and I've dated girls who years previously in highschool told me to my face I'd burn in hell for how I believed at the time.
By the way I wasn't trying to insinuate that you are going to end up a stalker, because I don't believe you will. I was just trying to show you what you were doing and how ultimately it will negatively impact you. I understand completely about projecting and fantasies. The reason it is negative is because you fill in the gaps in the fantasy. If you don't know a particular thing about her you put something in its place. If you have a conversation with her in the fantasy what she says is what you wish her to say most. The funny part is that mostly we don't even realize it, almost like it is subconscious. I don't know for certain though.
What you need to be able to do is separate the real feelings from the infatuation. Believe me, infatuation can be the most fun you've ever had, but it is not nearly fulfilling. It is also usually very shortlived. The other part is that unchecked projection plus infatuation are a dangerous mix especially when she's tied up so you can't get her. I don't want to sound cliche but passion rules reason and you're swimming in murky waters. Its hard, I know, but if you can let her go for the time being.
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I know all that. Me and infatuation are long time buddies. I'm asking how to stop it. And I guess that's pretty much it. Just gotta let her go. Luckily, the schedule says I won't share another shift with her for another week and a half. That should give me enough time to burn off the infatuation and cool down to normal, non-stupid levels.
This is one question I really wish I had a good, straight answer for. Its a tough puzzle to crack and its probably a little different for everyone. If possible, I'd find something to do for a few nights. Know of any big parties? Keggers etc etc? Hang out with some friends, play some beer pong, meet some people, get some numbers, etc etc. I'm not sure how old you are so if you're older than most college students you might go to a club or a bar or something. Bars are fun I guess but clubs aren't exactly my cup of tea. I suggest parties because I seem to meet lots of girls at parties if its a good party.
One more thing, I just want to tell you that it speaks worlds of you and your character that you are willing to recognize what you're doing and do something about it. It is incredibly difficult, and I tip my hat to you sir.
Shogun Streams Vidya
Or you can do the less dickish move and be her friend. You'll gain a friend that knows how the female mind works so you can pick her brain for advice. Plus she works next to you so you have a wingwoman right there. And you work at a book store so i'm sure you get a lot of female customers coming through. Just a matter of looking for the right signs and tells and asking one of them out.
i'm saying that in that fantasy, she doesnt have any heartache, cause she initiates the split. not to advocate fantasies, but that one isnt so bad so it might not make you feel bad.
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Just because the guy knows how to play the field doesn't make him a dick. What you have to ask yourself is this: is he causing these girls misery (for example, taking advantage of their emotional weakness a few times and dumping them, thus leaving them in a worse state), or is he making them better off?
I don't know your "former friend" like you do. Maybe he actually is an asshole. But I should warn you that in situations like this, it is very easy for people in your position (i.e. third parties) to look down upon and disapprove these sorts of things because:
a) they don't really understand what is going on between those two people
b) they are jealous because the guy/girl is getting pussy/dick
So don't be so hasty with your judgments.
In either case, it sounds like this former friend of yours knows precisely what he is doing. Don't hate him because of it.
You'll gain a friend that knows how the female mind works so you can pick her brain for advice. Plus she works next to you so you have a wingwoman right there.[/quote]
Terrible, terrible idea. If you're a guy, never ask women for dating advice. The reason is that what they say they like and what they actually like happen to be very different things. You can ask for practical ideas (i.e. gift ideas, lunch/dinner venue ideas, etc.), but dating advice is something you should get from guys who are successful at dating, not from female friends.
I know that asking girls for dating advice seems very tempting for most guys; it almost feels like asking the enemy about their weakness! How brilliant, right? Yeah, not really.
But you're right on about the wingwoman thing. It has actually been proven by research that guys who have attractive female friends (and are seen entertaining/having a good time with said friends) are perceived as more attractive by other women. You shouldn't choose your female friends according to this, that would be shallow, but it's something to keep in mind.
Another terrible idea. For most businesses, clerks asking customers out is a big no no. Even if the business is OK with it, it is generally a very good idea to keep your romantic life separate from your work life. Emphasis on "generally" here, because I know some of you will get on my ass with exceptions.
To be fair to your former friend he isn't the one breaking up the relationship, she's the one choosing to end it, I personally beleive (I'm sure someone else will argue against) there isn't anything morally wrong from poaching a girl, (unless he's your friend) for all you know her boyfriend could be a total tool.
OP you have a choice. Either forget it and move on, or decide you want her and do what is outlined up here. Obviously the first choice is much easier but with little reward and the second is harder and also have the potential to blow the fuck up in your face if you screw it up. (it also has the chance to blow up in your face if you get the girl as well cause you may end up with a fairly angry ex-boyfriend).
Satans..... hints.....
Well my take on this is that the former friend poached a girlfriend from said poster?
Right or wrong?
PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
I agree with the Boyfriend not equaling husband so she is fair game assement. as far as dating co workers...
well in a ratial store it is different, but in the cube maze that is corporate america there is a saying. Don't dip your pen in the company inkwell.
... so what does that mean? Ask her our even though I know she's got a boyfriend? I don't see how that ends in anything but a No. I'm curious as to what this accomplishes though.
No no no...see if she wants to grab some coffee or lunch. Things you would do otherwise. Not a real date but getting closer and closer and closer until BAM! she's all liek "my bf doesn't understand my needs!" His peepee is small!" "you are a REAL man..."
then you are In Like Flynn my friend.
PokeCode: 3952 3495 1748
If you get closer you will get hurt.
If the boyfriend situation resolves itsself- forget about the co-worker thing. If good things happen you'll be together long after the crappy job.
Don't do this.
High school, my lab partner is hot, but she's taken. We have class about 3 months and i realize slowly but surely that her boyfriend is a dick. (didn't bring her flowers on valentines, won't take her to the fair which she LOVES). Anyway, my first "date" is taking her to the fair, but i do it VERY casualy, saying that some friends and me are going. She jumps and asks if she can go...this is pretty much our first date.
Soon after that, i basically just manned up the old balls and told her over the phone how i felt. I told her that it was shitty to have to put up with a guy treating her the way he was. And that i think we would be a much better couple together. I told her this while she was at home on her couch with him sitting next to her.
I told her to think about it. The next day we went out to the beach and she basically told me she didn't think it was a good idea. This is after she stopped me in the middle of our lovemaking. I took her back home. Her boyfriend broke up with her the next night; she didn't tell him about what we he done, he just didn't like her anymore. A week later we "officially" started going out. That was in april 2003, we're still together.
The main thing i'd recommend man -- before you make any decisions about where to go, try and find out if she's interested at all in ANY way. Stay out of the friends zone (as stupid as it sounds, its true...if you're a friend, its 99% guaranteed nothing will EVEr happen). Also find out crap about the guy, and like Caswynben said, avoid putting him down.
Most important thing, if it doesn't work out, just go do something FUN. Best thing to do is get your mind off it, and remember that there is someone out there equally worth your time.
good luck
You're infatuated, she's involved. You'll get over it, just give it time. Try and focus on other things and eventually you'll meet someone who isn't already involved with another person.
No, he didn't poach a girl from me. He broke things off with his fiance of five years last month, and within a few days of her moving out, his new girlfriend moved in. Him and I got in a fight over the phone and I haven't talked to him since. I don't trust anything he says anymore, so I don't want to hang out with him.
Edit: And i'll come clean. He was pissed that I talked shit about his new girlfriend to his mom. So i'm not innocent in all this either.
The reason why those two broke up is that he was a cock for flirting with someone while his girlfriend was in the next room.
They broke up because he was being a dick.
If people break up because it isn't working out then it's fine. If two people break up because one of them is being a giant tool it's pretty damm obvious they aren't going to get along once they broke up. Unfortunatly both of them weren't big enough to work together in a profesional environment.
Satans..... hints.....
Assuming that it doesn't affect you, what happens between couples is none of your business. It is not your place to pass judgments regarding their relationship and the troubles they go through. Doing so makes you a self-righteous dick. In Cerrius' case this is especially true; what the hell is it to you, Cerrius, that your friend broke up with his fiance and his new girlfriend moved in the next day? Your friends have their own lives and just because you're their friend does not mean they are accountable to you in any fashion, and certainly does not give you the right to criticize the choices they make to third parties, especially their family. You're a friend, not a god damn informant.
If you really want in with this girl you'll have to start flirting with her and making your intentions clear. If she likes you the boyfriend will become a non issue. You will have to ask her openly about her relationship so that it's out in the open and then proceed to crack onto her.
I've done it before and the girl happened to like me so it worked out just fine.
That would be being proactive. Don't however passivly hang around her as a friend and wait for her to break up with her boyfriend. That imo is sleezy but more importantly it will just hurt you and probably won't work because by the time she DOES break up she'll just see you as a friend and nothing more.
If that plan of action sounds like to much effort/stress or if it seems immoral to you then I would advise you to forget about her in a romantic sense and get out there and meet some other girls. Preferably the single typ
Please stop; this thread has nothing to do with Cerrius's choice in friends.
Limed for truth. Thread over.
This very true. This is what happens when two very immature people date and work together. I would still recommend that you keep your personal life and work life seperate.
Doubled.
Spoilered so it doesn't look messy.
Anyway, Amigu's brilliant post can be summarized by something my grandfather (yes) told me once. He said, "every beautiful girl has a boyfriend... or two... or three. Therefore the only way to get yourself one is to steal [the girls] from [their boyfriends]." He was only half serious, but the point he made still resonates very deeply with me.
The fact of the matter is that at any point in time people are at various stages of hooking up or breaking up. Like Amigu said, the only way to figure out the current stage of her relationship is to flirt with her. If she responds and gives you the green light, the boyfriend becomes a non-factor because she is more attracted to you than to him. At that point, go for it. If not, move on.
Good luck being that guy.
And really, this whole thread makes the world taste just that much more sleazy.
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(Seriously, though, Kelsar, why are you doing this?)
Oh yawn.
Really, someone explain to me what is sleazy about letting someone in a relationship know you find them attractive? What function of entering a relationship suddenly puts a 'Property of' sign on people, and what law demands that others abide by it? Has this girl suddenly lost all free will and right to choose another partner just because she currently has a boyfriend?
People jumped on the suggestion of manipulation & Iagoing his way into her affections; they aren't condoning that, but being open and letting her know how he feels is not the same thing. The choice is then hers; and no, letting her know she has a choice is not somehow putting undue pressure or influence on her unless you spend your spare time waving little red books around.
The world is competitive, whether you like it or not, and competition for the affections of a woman / man is an ancient fact of life and perfectly acceptable. Seems a lot to me like people who argue the 'that guy' position are either a) self-interestedly trying to protect their own relationships from competition, b) dislike the idea of competition itself, or c) have lost previously in the same. Instead of saying, "I lost that game, I'm going to get better at it", they say, "The game is unfair, let's change the rules".