Girls Cause Problems?!

BucketmanBucketman Call meSkraggRegistered User regular
edited July 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
So yeah...Females am I right?

My girlfriend of nearly 2 years...some of you may recall me comming here about what to do when I found out about her lying hardcore to me(I obviously stayed with her, as it turned out she has Munchousans Type B and according to her mom that basically means she lies and belives it herself). Well recently things havent been going so good.

I moved back in with my dad. She lives roughly 3 hours away. My car sucks ass to the point that I don't feel safe driving it that far there and back. Her parents won't let her drive up here. So where doing a long distance relationship. At first it was OK, it was hard, but we managed. We saw each other about a month ago, but like I said, its been a month and it seems the longer we go without physical contact the more we argue.

At first I was getting mad about her jabs at me boing poor, then it was me getting mad beacause she refused to let me go see me friends (to the point where it was "If you go out, where done") So I became isolated from my friends. Obviously I didn't let this last long and we constantly where at each others throats about it. I refused to budge and so did she. Stupid reason like "What if I want to talk to you" or "What if I need you?" as a reason for me not to go to my friends house, 3 HOUSES AWAY FROM MINE!

So I told her I felt she was being very controlling and I wanted her to back off a bit. She flipped out on me. So today I suggested we take a break. After an half hour of begging, crying, and pleading, I finally caved in and said I would give her another chance, but she had to improve. Really I felt she was just agreeing with whatever I said to get me to stay with her, as she also agreed she felt she was controling me when not 2 days ago she flipped about it.

Now the other problem: There a girl I work with, she nice and kind of cute and it turns out she interested in me. I woulden't mind going on a date or 2 with her, but I really need to get things with my current relationship stright first.

TLTR: My GF is needy and tries to keep me on a leash beacause she says she worries WAY to much and she has medication for it. I think thats bullshit beacause shes not gotten better. I'm very easily swayed by emotions and need to know what I should do? Try to see if she actully gets better, or dump her and TRY to not take her back right away?

Bucketman on
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Posts

  • TubeTube Administrator, ClubPA admin
    edited June 2007
    You should dump her and not take her back at all.

    Tube on
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  • DarkPrimusDarkPrimus premium Registered User regular
    edited June 2007
    Since she's been lying to your face and your relationship isn't working over long distance, then it seems to me that she isn't the one for you.

    DarkPrimus on
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  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited June 2007
    You should dump her and not take her back at all.
    The Tube speaks truth.

    Thanatos on
  • tony_importanttony_important Registered User regular
    edited June 2007
    Thanatos wrote: »
    You should dump her and not take her back at all.
    The Tube speaks truth.

    Yes.

    Also, a crash course in english would be favorable.

    tony_important on
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  • RevolutionaryRevolutionary Registered User
    edited June 2007
    I say leave her, wait a while being single to get your mind together and then see about the new one.

    Revolutionary on
  • BucketmanBucketman Call me SkraggRegistered User regular
    edited June 2007
    Thanatos wrote: »
    You should dump her and not take her back at all.
    The Tube speaks truth.

    Yes.

    Also, a crash course in english would be favorable.

    Yeah sorry. While I can spell prerfectly well and talk perfectly well in writing/type I suck with grammer and spelling.

    Edit: Thanks for the advice guys. Now to figure out how to actully do this without letting her make me feel like an ass. Beacause I really do care about her, hell I really love her, but I'm not really happy in this relationship at this point.

    Bucketman on
  • IreneDAdlerIreneDAdler Registered User regular
    edited June 2007
    Assuming what we have from you is the whole story (cuz you know like 99% of guys think their girlfriends are controlling and whatnot), it sounds like she is too emotionally demanding, and needs psychiatric counseling. Now, you not being a trained in dealing with crazy people, I suggest you get out as well.

    IreneDAdler on
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  • Strain 121Strain 121 Registered User
    edited June 2007
    Here are your choices:

    A) Ridiculously controlling girlfriend who you've been with for years, who's now long distance status, who lies to you and then believes the lies she tells you due to a mental disorder.

    or

    B) A cute coworker who's interested in you. Lives close and is assumedly more mentally stable/rational.

    Just be strong in breaking it off with A and make sure B isn't just appealing to you because it's not A.

    Strain 121 on
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  • The CatThe Cat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited June 2007
    Dump her. And if you could try not to label all females using stupid generalisations based on the one (1) crazy one you've dated, that'd be real super-keen ;)

    The Cat on
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  • Aoi TsukiAoi Tsuki Registered User regular
    edited June 2007
    The Cat wrote: »
    Dump her. And if you could try not to label all females using stupid generalisations based on the one (1) crazy one you've dated, that'd be real super-keen ;)

    Also, I heartily agree about not stepping into a rebound at this point. Be honest, stay friends and give yourself plenty of time to make sure you've emotionally - and logistically! - cut ties.

    Aoi Tsuki on
    Some people already have said stupid things, but I'm ignoring them because I just found a potato in my fridge that looks like it's smiling.
  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    edited June 2007
    You do it by calling her back right now and saying "hey, I'm sorry, I know I said I would give you more time but no, when I said what I said I meant it. It's just a bad idea for the both of us. I'm unhappy, and all we do is argue and stay cooped up inside. We both need something different. This is it."

    And then don't change your mind. Don't waffle or let her talk you into "more time." It's gonna suck, but it's the only way to deal with it. The last thread pointed you in the right direction, and it looks like nothing's changed (despite how it's changed).

    EggyToast on
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  • Kewop DecamKewop Decam Registered User regular
    edited June 2007
    If she constantly lies, you shouldn't be with her

    Kewop Decam on
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  • ZifnabZifnab Registered User
    edited June 2007
    I wish I could just lime this whole thread so far, there's so much good advice. As for how to keep her from making you feel like an ass, the thing to remember is to not indulge her when she keeps dragging the conversation out. You'll feel a little bit like a dick for doing it, but letting 'the talk' drag out to a half hour or more does nothing good for either side. Get in, make your case, she'll cry, you might cry, blah blah, but be back out in 10-15 minutes. Any shorter and you'll feel like a real dick (trust me) but any longer is just harmful for both sides. Good luck.

    Zifnab on
  • Elessar ElfstoneElessar Elfstone Registered User regular
    edited June 2007
    It's going to crash and burn eventually, you should just end it now. It will suck, yes, there will be tears and pleading, but the relationship is not going to end up anywhere.

    Elessar Elfstone on
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  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited June 2007
    TLTR: My GF is needy and tries to keep me on a leash beacause she says she worries WAY to much and she has medication for it. I think thats bullshit beacause shes not gotten better. I'm very easily swayed by emotions and need to know what I should do? Try to see if she actully gets better, or dump her and TRY to not take her back right away?

    Dump her. You're not responsible for her; if she gets better she gets better. Nothing you can do about it, and it certainly is a stupid idea to wait and see at the expense of living your life the way you want to live.

    And when you do the "dump talk", you have to be absolutely firm and you have to not cave in, like you did the first time. Keep it short and to-the-point; the longer it drags on, the more messy it will get.

    If she has psychological problems it might be a good idea to give her mom a heads-up though so she can be on the watch-out for crazy shit.

    ege02 on
  • BucketmanBucketman Call me SkraggRegistered User regular
    edited June 2007
    Thanks for all the advice. I'm going to call her after work tonight and do it. I'm really torn beacause I do love her but I know I need to stand strong and just tell her that I'm not happy and even if she tries to be better its really not going to be HER. And let her know its not beacause I don't love her or beacause I don't care. I do, its just she really needs to get her disorders in order and shes using me as a crutch and needs to get better on her own.

    I think my real problem is that I feel like I'm just saying "Well thanks for standing by me for all the good times and shit the last two years. See ya later."

    Bucketman on
  • CorvusCorvus . VancouverRegistered User regular
    edited June 2007
    Good luck man. Dumping her seems to be the best course of action. Hopefully your soon to be ex may learn that the way she was acting was a major problem, if her disorder allows that to happen.

    Corvus on
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  • HorseshoeHorseshoe Registered User regular
    edited June 2007
    Bucketman wrote: »
    I think my real problem is that I feel like I'm just saying "Well thanks for standing by me for all the good times and shit the last two years. See ya later."

    You aren't. Breaking it off with her means you're having some compassion for yourself.

    You have to remember that your emotions matter too. It sounds to me like she knows you have a lot of sympaty for others and she's using that to manipulate you with guilt. That doesn't sound like she really cares a lot about your feelings... it's an awful thing to do to another person. Just tell her it's over, and don't let her drag you into an argument that's going to allow her to make you feel bad. "I'm not happy, and I don't want to keep doing this. I'm breaking up with you." That's all you have to say.

    My advice would be to take it slow with this other girl and take the time to get to know each other. Rebounds can be messy and if it turns out she really is a great girl, it's good to start off on the right foot.

    Best of luck. This stuff ain't easy.

    Horseshoe on
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  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited June 2007
    I also vote with breaking it off and staying single for a little while. Not that you need to so much, but speaking as a guy who has dated his fair share of unstable women (and prolly all y'alls share too), there is going to be much drama. For a while. This drama will no doubt be transferred onto your next love interest by your ex. The break up will be rough, but if you give the impression that you broke it off to be with girl x, then that person might become even more of a target. Give it a couple weeks at least before you go public with anything new.

    Sarcastro on
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  • joshuadewaaljoshuadewaal Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    That situation sucks man. I have a girl I am trying to rid myself of also.

    If you are having problems in the relationship now, it is likely they will only get worse, particularly if you can't trust her and she is so far away.

    Before you dump the old girlfriend, which most people here seem to agree with, write down your reasons. If you are gonna end things with this girl you need to have it all written out so when it happens so can say everything you want to say and be clear concise and to the point.

    She will probably cry and beg and possibly make you do the same. Which is why you need to control the situation. I assume it will happen over the phone, so try and make it short, be curt but not rude, be sure about your decision and don't waiver. Don't give her a chance to try and convince you otherwise. If she wants to talk about it, tell her you have explained everything to her and that there is nothing else to talk about.

    For her sake and yours make it clear and break off contact completely. It will help you both get over each other faster, which is the best thing for the both of you. Contact with her after the break up will be a dis-service to her and yourself, like opening up an old wound. It could also ruin things with a new girl.

    i don't know if you've done it yet, but I would not bring up her disorders as reasoning.
    Good luck and be strong.

    joshuadewaal on
  • IreneDAdlerIreneDAdler Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    i don't know if you've done it yet, but I would not bring up her disorders as reasoning.
    Good luck and be strong.

    While I agree that you probably shouldn't say "I'm leaving because you're a psycho" right up front, I don't think you're going to be able to avoid discussion of her mental problems because she's probably going to blame whatever problems you have with her on her disorder.

    You: "You keep me a virtual prisoner in our house!"
    Her: "That's just because I have Munchausen's and it makes me want your constant attention!"
    You: "You won't let me hang out with friends!"
    Her: "Munchausens!"
    You: "You lie to me!"
    Her: "Munchausens!"
    You: "I can't be with you because you're a crazy person!"
    Her: "You can't leave me because I'm a crazy person!"

    I don't think there's anything you can do or say to make her not hate you after the breakup, and she's probably going to tell people that you abandoned her because you didn't care enough about her to help her through her problems. But you know what? Every person has a right to not devote his life to catering to crazy people, especially if they show no sign of improving or of trying to improve. The bottom line is, if you think there's no future for the two of you, you need to end it as quickly and cleanly as possible. Don't talk to her after the breakup, no matter how it hurts you to be hurting her, and don't try to help her -- I think we have ample proof that you can't help her. And I agree with the other posts here, don't start anything with the other girl until a couple months after the breakup, because you owe it to yourself to start a new relationship with as healthy of a background as possible.

    IreneDAdler on
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  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    Also, if she's diagnosed with Munchausen's syndrome that doesn't give her a free pass to lie. Munchausen's syndrome deals specifically with illnesses, not general lying, and is kind of like an exaggerated hypochondria. I'm skeptical about it, not that she doesn't have a problem but that it's simply a diagnosis that misses deeper problems.

    Have you looked up anything about "Munchausen's syndrome type b"? The only information I can find about a "type b" is here, which is odd because the whole point of classification as Munchausen's syndrome is that the sufferer realizes that they're lying/exaggerating. If she believes she actually has an illness, that's hypochondria.

    And if she's lying about other things, it's more likely simply just chronic lying, and the fact that she also lies about medical situations ties into that. If she's lying about other things, she could also be lying about Munchausen's syndrome, even if the mom corroborates the story.

    Hopefully you've already told her what's up. I still think it's in your best interest to dump her. People like her only get better when forced to realize how their actions affect other people, and how they affect their own lives.

    EggyToast on
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  • TokyoRaverTokyoRaver Registered User
    edited July 2007
    Long distance (almost) never works, anyway; I'd say your best bet is to end this for your own happiness and to discontinue what will undoubtedly be long suffering leading to the same result.

    One thing I'd point out is, even if it is Munchausen's that makes her so controlling, it is you who are allowing yourself to be controlled by it; you can be sympathetic to her illness while not abiding by the demands she imposes due to it.

    You have friends three doors down? You should be there now.

    TokyoRaver on
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  • What's her faceWhat's her face Registered User
    edited July 2007
    Since you're going to have to do this* over the phone, your last line, in the midst of her sobbing, is going to have to be... "(Girlfriend's name), I'm going to hang up now." Then you immediately follow suite, even if she is mid-sentence. Otherwise, it's nearly impossible to end a phone breakup that's not mutual.

    *I agree, you gotta break up with this girl.

    What's her face on
  • KhavallKhavall British ColumbiaRegistered User regular
    edited July 2007
    Since you're going to have to do this* over the phone, your last line, in the midst of her sobbing, is going to have to be... "(Girlfriend's name), I'm going to hang up now." Then you immediately follow suite, even if she is mid-sentence. Otherwise, it's nearly impossible to end a phone breakup that's not mutual.

    *I agree, you gotta break up with this girl.

    Or you could fake getting shot. It also works well.

    Khavall on
  • BucketmanBucketman Call me SkraggRegistered User regular
    edited July 2007
    The afermath: First off thank you all for the helpful advice. I did take the advice of a close friend who recently went through a similar situation. He said this to me "You know she will promise to get better, and she will. For a time. But then in a month or 2 she'll be right back to busting your nuts again. But you have to give her that second chance. Beacause if you don't then then you're going to wonder if she really would have gotten better or not. You need to see it for yourself."

    So far its exactly as he said it would be. I gave her the second chance, and so far she's been great. She's even comming up here this week to spend some time with me and agreed to go see MY doctor WITH ME so we can find out whats actully wrong with her, if anything. But I know hes most likely right, she will eventully go back to the way she was. I'm extremely happy now with our relationship, but I know it won't last forever. In a month or two it will be back to same old same old (unless my doctor finds out there actully is somthing extremely wrong with her that her parents doctor was too stupid to notice and she gets on some good meds or gets good counciling) and then I'll have to take up your guy's advice.

    Thanks again for helping me out.

    Bucketman on
  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    Good luck, but remember that this is already her 2nd chance. You're giving her a 3rd one :D Your first post:
    I found out about her lying hardcore to me(I obviously stayed with her,

    The only problem with your friend's advice is that if threatening to break up with a girl suddenly makes her complaint, that doesn't make her better. What's stopping you, from in a month or 2, when she goes back to her regular self, from simply threatening to break up with her again in an attempt to make her "better" again?

    EggyToast on
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  • TubeTube Administrator, ClubPA admin
    edited July 2007
    I'm sure you already know this, but you're an idiot, and you deserve her.

    Tube on
    Hobnail wrote: »
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    This hurts but I deserve it

  • WerrickWerrick Registered User
    edited July 2007
    Bucketman wrote: »
    (to the point where it was "If you go out, where done")

    Right there. Game over.

    Done.

    I realize she's not well, but that's not your problem. If she's not well enough to maintain a relationship without trying to control her significant other then that's not your fault or responsibility. Maybe when she gets some help and figures her shit out you can try again, but short of cheating on you this is the ultimate deal-breaker.

    And taking her back is only going to prolong the inevitable, it'll all happen again.

    Werrick on
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  • The CatThe Cat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited July 2007
    *facepalm*

    The Cat on
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  • DrHookensteinDrHookenstein Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    Is it just me, or does "relationship advice" never really help people for some reason unless it's what they wanted to hear in the first place?

    Recognize that you are rejecting the advice given here in continuing in this vein, Bucketman.

    DrHookenstein on
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  • BokiBoki __BANNED USERS
    edited July 2007
    Is it just me, or does "relationship advice" never really help people for some reason unless it's what they wanted to hear in the first place?

    Recognize that you are rejecting the advice given here in continuing in this vein, Bucketman.

    What they should just do is ban these threads.

    Boki on
  • DrHookensteinDrHookenstein Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    Boki, that strikes me as a bit of "baby with the bathwater."

    DrHookenstein on
    "He piled upon the whale's white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then, as if his chest had been a mortar, he burst his hot heart's shell upon it." -Moby Dick
  • Mr PinkMr Pink I got cats for youRegistered User regular
    edited July 2007
    Wait, I'm curious, if you know that it is going to just get worse, why are you setting yourself up for that trouble again? I mean, sure, you squeeze an extra two months out of it, but thats really two months wasted if you think about it. Two months you could be dating other people, enjoying your friends, etc.

    Mr Pink on
  • MokiMoki Registered User
    edited July 2007
    Is it just me, or does "relationship advice" never really help people for some reason unless it's what they wanted to hear in the first place?
    Pretty much goes for any sort of advice. The thing about people complaining about their relationships is that's all they do. As far as we know from what he's said, this girl does nothing but lie, blame a supposed illness, and control his behavior. He's shown no positivity in the relationship at all.


    I can only assume the girl must have some redeeming traits if he's putting up with her (even though he apparently has other romantic prospects available). Or maybe he just enjoys the abuse and having something to complain about.

    Moki on
  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    Yeah, people ask for advice in hopes that there's an easy solution that allows things to work as they are. Most people who ask for advice have a general idea of what an ideal solution is.

    The problem is that, unlike a lot of other advice, often the best advice is "it's not working, you both need to move on." People don't feel as strongly about a car, a computer, or whatever, compared to a relationship. At least, most people don't. So when you say "Yeah, it's broken, you need a new one," it's easy to do that if it's an old TV or furniture or job. Not so easy when it's your relationship, and there's another person on the other end.

    Of course, that's also why most relationship threads are pretty blunt here, too.

    EggyToast on
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  • PreacherPreacher Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    Well the sex must be great for him to ignore everyone telling him to break up with her, I am curious bucket, was the consensus of a previous relationship thread you had in here to break up with her?

    Preacher on
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  • ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    Well, you told her you would take her back, so I'd give her another chance. But if she continues this behaviour drop her like a bad habit. Mo matter how much she wants to get back together, refuse to.

    Zombiemambo on
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  • BokiBoki __BANNED USERS
    edited July 2007
    EggyToast wrote: »
    Yeah, people ask for advice in hopes that there's an easy solution that allows things to work as they are. Most people who ask for advice have a general idea of what an ideal solution is.

    The problem is that, unlike a lot of other advice, often the best advice is "it's not working, you both need to move on." People don't feel as strongly about a car, a computer, or whatever, compared to a relationship. At least, most people don't. So when you say "Yeah, it's broken, you need a new one," it's easy to do that if it's an old TV or furniture or job. Not so easy when it's your relationship, and there's another person on the other end.

    Of course, that's also why most relationship threads are pretty blunt here, too.

    I think if relationship threads were allowed to be as blunt as possible in H/A, it would do a lot more good than simply beating around the bush for a couple pages trying to explain things.

    Boki on
  • NatanekoNataneko Registered User
    edited July 2007
    i'm kinda curious about all the "she's crazy, run, RUN WHILE YOU CAN" comment everyone is giving. I am one of those crazy girlfriend. (not the controlling kind, the really really low self esteem, self-loathing kind) and I know that if my boyfriend would come here and ask advice about anything about us, you would probably all be begging him to run away as fast as he can. So I'm not sure if the OP is really wrong about giving her another chance. Sure, sometime it won't work at all and she'll go back to her crazyness, but maybe she *really* is willing to change. Maybe i'm wrong (you probably think I am) but I don't think relationship are as easy as just leaving her and moving on. Maybe they love each other and are willing to stay together while she is trying to fix her trouble. A lot of person have mental trouble (anxiety, OCD, depression, etc) and those can be cured, or at least controlled, why ban them from any relationship?

    Nataneko on
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