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The Future: Hazy
Lewisham
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I've been really down about this for the last couple of days, so here goes.
I'm British and 23 years old. I went to California a couple of years ago as part of my degree. I met my current partner there, and we did a long-distance relationship for a year. It was very hard, but it was successful. After I graduated, we came to New Zealand as we were both able to enter the country with a suitable permit. She is doing a Masters, and I am working.
Her Masters ends in March. She's currently in CA doing research, and she has found out just how much she misses it (not that she didn't before). She wants to leave NZ as soon as she can.
I cannot go to CA because I do not qualify for any work permits at all, despite a Masters degree in Computer Science. The current immigration climate in the US makes it essentially impossible.
I am trying to get on a PhD program. I want to do CS research, in CA, and I can be funded in the US, so it makes perfect sense to apply. The program comes with a visa about as guaranteed as they can be, and I was a good citizen last time, and have been wherever I have lived.
Over the weekend, I became deadly scared that I was not going to get on a program because the Computer Science subject test looks obscenely hard. There are no revision materials I can buy for it, so I don't even feel like I can properly study for it. This is the first time I've truly believed I have less than a 50:50 shot, and it really hit home to me that we're yet again going to be in a position where I don't have the eligibility to be with her. I can't do a long distance relationship again, and I can't stand to lose her either.
The only other option to be together is marriage. She has said she wants to, but not actually asked. I find it difficult to make that leap because I don't feel anything is wrong with our relationship now. I want to marry her on my own terms, not because any government says I have to. I worry that if I do ask, it will be cheapened by the visa thing. I only intend to do this once. The weird thing is that I know if she asked me, I would say yes. I love her very much, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. I am not too concerned about my age, but that is a factor. The reason I want to get a visa myself is not to avoid marriage, but to ensure the marriage means something when it happens.
All this self-doubt about my abilities and my future with my girlfriend has just crippled me for a couple of days now. I can't stop thinking about it, I don't know what to do, I have no knowledge of what is going to happen, and I can't bear to think about us being apart. When I feel like this I can't stop until I feel like I have a viable solution, and I can't see one.
TL;DR: I want to remain with my partner. I'm worried about a future I can't see, and I can't calm myself down or cheer myself up. I want to stop fretting about this because it might all be for nothing, but I can't ignore and not plan for the possibilities either. But the only option that I can think of as a possible out is marriage, and that is something I'm not able to do yet, but don't know why.
Ninja edit: My girlfriend, push came to shove, will stay here if need be. But we came here as a stepping-stone, not as a future, and I'm as eager to leave as she is. She cannot come to the UK for the same reasons I can't go to the US.
I'm British and 23 years old. I went to California a couple of years ago as part of my degree. I met my current partner there, and we did a long-distance relationship for a year. It was very hard, but it was successful. After I graduated, we came to New Zealand as we were both able to enter the country with a suitable permit. She is doing a Masters, and I am working.
Her Masters ends in March. She's currently in CA doing research, and she has found out just how much she misses it (not that she didn't before). She wants to leave NZ as soon as she can.
I cannot go to CA because I do not qualify for any work permits at all, despite a Masters degree in Computer Science. The current immigration climate in the US makes it essentially impossible.
I am trying to get on a PhD program. I want to do CS research, in CA, and I can be funded in the US, so it makes perfect sense to apply. The program comes with a visa about as guaranteed as they can be, and I was a good citizen last time, and have been wherever I have lived.
Over the weekend, I became deadly scared that I was not going to get on a program because the Computer Science subject test looks obscenely hard. There are no revision materials I can buy for it, so I don't even feel like I can properly study for it. This is the first time I've truly believed I have less than a 50:50 shot, and it really hit home to me that we're yet again going to be in a position where I don't have the eligibility to be with her. I can't do a long distance relationship again, and I can't stand to lose her either.
The only other option to be together is marriage. She has said she wants to, but not actually asked. I find it difficult to make that leap because I don't feel anything is wrong with our relationship now. I want to marry her on my own terms, not because any government says I have to. I worry that if I do ask, it will be cheapened by the visa thing. I only intend to do this once. The weird thing is that I know if she asked me, I would say yes. I love her very much, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. I am not too concerned about my age, but that is a factor. The reason I want to get a visa myself is not to avoid marriage, but to ensure the marriage means something when it happens.
All this self-doubt about my abilities and my future with my girlfriend has just crippled me for a couple of days now. I can't stop thinking about it, I don't know what to do, I have no knowledge of what is going to happen, and I can't bear to think about us being apart. When I feel like this I can't stop until I feel like I have a viable solution, and I can't see one.
TL;DR: I want to remain with my partner. I'm worried about a future I can't see, and I can't calm myself down or cheer myself up. I want to stop fretting about this because it might all be for nothing, but I can't ignore and not plan for the possibilities either. But the only option that I can think of as a possible out is marriage, and that is something I'm not able to do yet, but don't know why.
Ninja edit: My girlfriend, push came to shove, will stay here if need be. But we came here as a stepping-stone, not as a future, and I'm as eager to leave as she is. She cannot come to the UK for the same reasons I can't go to the US.
Lewisham on
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If this is true, and she feels the same way - just get married.
I have been in a partially similar situation - except that I already was living and working in the US on a L1A Visa when I met my future-wife. My green card was in process, and I deliberately put off asking her to marry me - even though she was pretty much asking me to, as in my mind at the time I thought the whole green card thing would "cheapen" everything... Took me the best part of a year to work through that before I realized that the most important thing to me was being with her.
I knew my green card would be approved with or without the marriage, I also realized that the green card was insignificant compared to her.
When we got married my lawyer changed my application from a work based petition, to a marriage based one. Due to some screw up at the INS (or whatever they are called these days...) both ended up going forward, and both were approved within weeks of each other - kinda funny...
Anyway back to the point - if you want to be with this girl as much as it sounds like you do in your writings - get yourself to the jewelery store, buy a nice ring, get on a plane, go see her in California and ask her the question. (also surprising her with your sudden appearance halfway around the world and with a ring is incredibly romantic.)
Also, if you need a good immigration lawyer in Southern CA PM me and I'll tell you who I worked with who was excellent and I can't recommend highly enough.
Not only do I think you should marry her, I think she wants you to ask the question. She's putting a bit of pressure on you every time she talks about how she misses California. I think this is more to do with her wanting you to make an honest woman of her than it does with where you live necessarily. This is, of course, my opinion, and I know how ridiculous immigration is. I'm sorry that there isn't a simple solution to your problems. Good luck.
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That's my motto, just get to it and marry this girl! You obviously care a great deal about her, and it'll be mutually beneficial! Go for it! Good luck!
Love conquers all!
This comment struck me odd. If nothing is wrong with your relationship i would take that as a good sign. You're not the first person i've heard say something like this. Is it a fear that marriage will 'ruin' things?
And then there's this bit. I dont know, i just seem to feel a lot of fear in these comments. Maybe its just the way i'm interpreting it. It just seems like you dont want to have to make this decision.
I'm still with the other posters though. If you do actually want to marry her, and she wants to marry you, then go ahead and get married. You have to realise that this 'perfect moment' you seem to be waiting for may not ever actually happen, and time is conspiring against you. I dont think you want to lose this girl to realise what action you needed to take.
I'm not scared of marriage ruining things, but I am scared of such a huge commitment. Isn't everyone supposed to be? I'm not scared of marrying her. I think I'm just scared of such a life-changing decision. But as other people have said, when I have the impetus to make a decision that large, like having to fly to New Zealand and leave my family and friends behind, I choose her in heartbeat.
But to me, it sound like she's worth it to you, and you shouldn't let the things that come with marriage get in the way of your love.
Two years.
She is, and I couldn't handle leaving her. It actually upsets me to think about it.
Something that might work for you is to propose, get married very shortly thereafter (town hall, Vegas, etc) mostly so that you can begin your paperwork for immigration ASAP, and then plan an actual wedding for later sometime once you're in California. I don't think you're likely to raise many eyebrows with immigration with that plan, particularly as you're overseas at the moment (and you couldn't possibly ask your girlfriend to plan the wedding on her own ;-)), and also, well, you get some time to get used to the concept of marriage.
(This is actually what my boyfriend and I have planned for when I move up to Ontario. Of course, this assumes that your girlfriend doesn't have giant dreams of her wedding day that would be crushed by the initial town hall idea. I've never really cared, so it works out okay for me. And the separation of the marriage and the wedding may not help for you, but it seems to help me and my boyfriend somehow, although we both still have a tendency to wonder what the hell we're doing periodically when we think about the whole plan altogether.)
You pointed this out, but it's worth driving into the ground: you've made multiple trans-continental moves to be with her. Those are some pretty hugely life-altering commitments as it is. Not saying that you shouldn't/can't be freaked out about marriage (and dealing with the US immigration system), but you have made some big commitments already.
In addition, the thing is we live in what would be called a "de-facto relationship", so without any religious ties, there is nothing that would change in our relationship once we were wed. I think it's a common feeling.
She will be returning to NZ in a couple of months. But that is an option we have talked about. I know she claims not to mind doing the 1-2 ceremonies, but it might not fly so well with the parents, who I think would want the first one to be the only one, and done properly
I'm not sure if you can work on a K1 - my research didn't go that far. You can start here though - http://travel.state.gov/visa/immigrants/types/types_1315.html
Or... you can ask her to stay in NZ with you, or you can break up - I'm not seeing an other options really.
What cheapens your relationship more, asking her to marry you with the timing being a little pushed by external factors, or gambling your relationship on a test like wagering your watch in a poker game?
It's a big commitment, but recognize it is one that in a sense you've already made. You gave up a lot to move to New Zealand to be with her. You can't see a life for yourself without her. In a sense you're just ratifying the situation.
Good luck.
This may seem a little OT, but where in NZ are you both at the moment?
EDIT: Just saw your location *duh*. I'm going to apologise to any other Kiwi's in advance... But you should try Auckland. Seriously. ESPECIALLY if you are from larger places like CA or the UK. Might work as a bit of middle-ground for a while?
I'd recommend doing this, a kind of low-key marriage for the visa just a registry office and the necessities. Wait a couple of years and then get 're-married' (or divorced if it doesn't work) properly in a church or whatever you will. My supervisor at work basically did this so his 'wife' could stay in the country properly, and now after another 5 years (and two children) they're getting married proper as it were.
I think the game would probably be up if I went to live in California without any obvious visa!
Anyway, I have reached a decision. I've discussed it with my parents, and not hers (I've been told not to by both her and her best friend in the past), and I'm going to go for it and ask her to marry me
Only question now is to fly out to CA and do it, or wait for her to come back. My parents think I should stay here, because it would be a huge amount of pressure on her if I went out there. I'd like to do it there as it is where we met, and has a special meaning for us, but I get their point totally. Plus, I can save money for the ring. What I'm going to do is have her friends in CA feel it out and see if she would like me to do it one way or the other (hopefully they are tactful enough to make it seem like idle girl chat), and use that as the decider.
It's all very exciting, I feel really pumped for it. I just want to do it now
Personally I would fly out to CA - it seems daringly romantic, and I'm sure she would be thrilled with a surprise visit. Then you can go on a date to where you first met and do the down on one knee thing.
Where in CA will you be? Northern, Central, Southern? If it's southern, look me up once you get settled in and we can go for a pint or something.
That is what I want to do; she wanted me to come out and see her (which I have refused on money grounds... but I do have the money saved away). We'll be in NorCal I'm afraid.
My gf and I have already come to the conclusion that I get her just a small token rather than a ring; I'll get the wrong design or stone or something, and we'll then look for one together. I'm still going to get a ring, just a really cheap cubic zirconia or something so we can have the action of placing the ring on her finger, just not the rock.
Also, in the spirit of help and advice - when you go looking for the real ring check out Blue Nile - they carry most styles / metals and have an excellent diamond selection - highly recommended. Prices are pretty good too. It's where I got my wifes engagement ring and our wedding rings.