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This is why I keep feeling like a dork. [tags: girls, long post]
The Fallen [j]![The Fallen [j]](https://forums.penny-arcade.com/themes/pennyarcade/design/images/profile_user.png)
Registered User regular
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I haven't posted on this forum for a long while now, so I feel sort of guilty making a new thread in H/A, but here goes...
I'm 22 and I have never been in a relationship of any length or seriousness (and I'm not asocial, overly eccentric or hideously deformed). In theory this is not a fact I would consider to be problematic, but it might shed some light on why I find the situation I'm about to describe so incredibly difficult to manage.
---
Less than a year ago I went to hang out with some friends of mine, after having spent the summer being mostly lonely and miserable. There was a girl there I hadn't met before, and it took me about five seconds to develop a heavyweight crush on her. Since I've never had the classic "I'm too scared to talk to her" problem, it didn't take long before I started up a conversation... or at least something as close to a conversation as I could manage. I found that she was incredibly difficult to talk to - I wasn't sure whether she was uninterested, cynical, distracted or just... weird. I got her Messenger address and had a few nondescript online conversations in the following week, but everytime I spoke to her in person this problem would persist.
As time went on, this became more and more troublesome for me. Every time I spoke to her, I felt utterly inadequate, but I never liked her any less for it. She kept on being unfriendly, sometimes borderline insulting - but I insisted, and hoped I would somehow figure out a way to make it better, until one day I couldn't stand it anymore. I realized I was accomplishing nothing, and stopped going out with the people she was with.
But even after avoiding her for a month, I wasn't at ease. So I told her how I felt (over Messenger, since that was the only way I felt reasonably comfortable talking to her) and she replied - unsurprisingly - that she had absolutely no interest in me whatsoever.
I kept avoiding her (and, sadly, my friends) for several months, since I was playing a ping-pong game of guilt in my head. On the one hand, I knew I could have just walked away at any time, but on the other hand, something just didn't feel right, and I couldn't accept that I deserved to be treated like I was. And I couldn't get it out of my mind, so I resolved to see my friends again, and in doing so try to figure out what I could do to finally settle the matter.
It should be noted that at this point I was (and still am) every bit as mesmerized by her as I was in the beginning. At first I could reasonably handle meeting her again - basically exchanging few words, since I felt that overstepping a certain boundary would result in the same kind of situation I was in months ago - but after a while everything reverted to the same ridiculous problem of me desperately trying to win her affection and her basically brushing everything I said aside.
So I talked to her about it again - this time face-to-face - and she was clearly getting annoyed, and didn't really understand the problem. She said that that was just the way she was; something I can't really argue against, since the way she treats other people does not seem terribly inconsistent with the way she treats me; the difference being that other people don't take offense to her cynicism while I take everything to heart. Talking about it with a few of my friends also confirmed that my perception of her wasn't entirely skewed - they described her much in the same way as I see her (more or less unpleasantly eccentric).
And after all these reasonable, rational confirmations that she just isn't the right girl for me, I still can not get her out of my mind and can not shake the feeling that it's entirely up to me to make the situation better.
---
This is only one in a long line of highly varied girl-related situations I've gotten myself into, but I'm pretty sure it's by far the most ridiculous.
The only explanation I have for being this way is that at age 22, still having no real experience with relationships (is there a less vague word for this? I run into strange obstacles writing in English...) is making me take stupidly desperate measures to try and break my endless streak of rejections. I can get along with all kinds people just fine, but when it comes to romantic interests, I feel like there's some kind of arcane code that everybody knows but me, and I try to compensate for my apparent lack of luck with this kind of maniacal persistence, thinking that if I do just the right things it will eventually turn in my favor, even though I invariably crash and burn every time.
And even after it's obvious that it's a dead end, I keep trying to do something simply because I feel that this is as good as any other chance - which is technically correct, given the circumstances. I realize that this is a self-esteem issue, because I am never sure I did my best, but then again I have no experience of being successful to compare my failures against.
Does this even make any sense? I'm afraid I can't ask a question clearer than "What are your thoughts on this?"
I'm 22 and I have never been in a relationship of any length or seriousness (and I'm not asocial, overly eccentric or hideously deformed). In theory this is not a fact I would consider to be problematic, but it might shed some light on why I find the situation I'm about to describe so incredibly difficult to manage.
---
Less than a year ago I went to hang out with some friends of mine, after having spent the summer being mostly lonely and miserable. There was a girl there I hadn't met before, and it took me about five seconds to develop a heavyweight crush on her. Since I've never had the classic "I'm too scared to talk to her" problem, it didn't take long before I started up a conversation... or at least something as close to a conversation as I could manage. I found that she was incredibly difficult to talk to - I wasn't sure whether she was uninterested, cynical, distracted or just... weird. I got her Messenger address and had a few nondescript online conversations in the following week, but everytime I spoke to her in person this problem would persist.
As time went on, this became more and more troublesome for me. Every time I spoke to her, I felt utterly inadequate, but I never liked her any less for it. She kept on being unfriendly, sometimes borderline insulting - but I insisted, and hoped I would somehow figure out a way to make it better, until one day I couldn't stand it anymore. I realized I was accomplishing nothing, and stopped going out with the people she was with.
But even after avoiding her for a month, I wasn't at ease. So I told her how I felt (over Messenger, since that was the only way I felt reasonably comfortable talking to her) and she replied - unsurprisingly - that she had absolutely no interest in me whatsoever.
I kept avoiding her (and, sadly, my friends) for several months, since I was playing a ping-pong game of guilt in my head. On the one hand, I knew I could have just walked away at any time, but on the other hand, something just didn't feel right, and I couldn't accept that I deserved to be treated like I was. And I couldn't get it out of my mind, so I resolved to see my friends again, and in doing so try to figure out what I could do to finally settle the matter.
It should be noted that at this point I was (and still am) every bit as mesmerized by her as I was in the beginning. At first I could reasonably handle meeting her again - basically exchanging few words, since I felt that overstepping a certain boundary would result in the same kind of situation I was in months ago - but after a while everything reverted to the same ridiculous problem of me desperately trying to win her affection and her basically brushing everything I said aside.
So I talked to her about it again - this time face-to-face - and she was clearly getting annoyed, and didn't really understand the problem. She said that that was just the way she was; something I can't really argue against, since the way she treats other people does not seem terribly inconsistent with the way she treats me; the difference being that other people don't take offense to her cynicism while I take everything to heart. Talking about it with a few of my friends also confirmed that my perception of her wasn't entirely skewed - they described her much in the same way as I see her (more or less unpleasantly eccentric).
And after all these reasonable, rational confirmations that she just isn't the right girl for me, I still can not get her out of my mind and can not shake the feeling that it's entirely up to me to make the situation better.
---
This is only one in a long line of highly varied girl-related situations I've gotten myself into, but I'm pretty sure it's by far the most ridiculous.
The only explanation I have for being this way is that at age 22, still having no real experience with relationships (is there a less vague word for this? I run into strange obstacles writing in English...) is making me take stupidly desperate measures to try and break my endless streak of rejections. I can get along with all kinds people just fine, but when it comes to romantic interests, I feel like there's some kind of arcane code that everybody knows but me, and I try to compensate for my apparent lack of luck with this kind of maniacal persistence, thinking that if I do just the right things it will eventually turn in my favor, even though I invariably crash and burn every time.
And even after it's obvious that it's a dead end, I keep trying to do something simply because I feel that this is as good as any other chance - which is technically correct, given the circumstances. I realize that this is a self-esteem issue, because I am never sure I did my best, but then again I have no experience of being successful to compare my failures against.
Does this even make any sense? I'm afraid I can't ask a question clearer than "What are your thoughts on this?"
The Fallen [j] on
0
Posts
Maybe instead of throwing all this energy into a girl that isn't interested, you should try hitting on other girls.
Also, NEVER ask a girl out on instant messenger. OF COURSE youre more comfortable, but it makes you come off as a pussy who can't even talk to the girl face to face. You want to come off as a confident guy, not someone who's is desperately seeking approval and fearing rejection.
It was clearly a mistake, there's no doubt about that. Except that my issue isn't with the fact that I was rejected, but that I can't stop analyzing what I did wrong.
The problem is that at this time, there are simply no other girls that interest me. If there were, I would simply cut the gordian knot and not worry about this. No such luck.
I didn't ask her out. It was pretty much the only way I could talk to her at the time.
As its been said, stop concentrating on her and look at other people, I'm sure there are other people out there you'd consider entering a relationship with who might be a little more interested in you. At this point, there's really nothing you can do to change her mind about you, she seems like her foot is planted.
No, it's not correct. It's false. Being hung-up on a girl that treats you in a way that hurts you, and has told you she has no interest in you whatsoever is not as good as any other chance, it's just nothing.
Worse, it might affect your perception has to other girls you can hit on that you have a chance with. You're 22, and too young to get bogged down in relationships where it's been made clear to you it wasn't going to happen.
Let her go, and start finding yourself some other hotties.
Just keep doing it. Keep hunting down girls and asking them out, and eventually you will get one. You ever seen a guy with a girl and wondered "Man, how the FUCK did that guy even get a girlfriend?" Well I'll tell you how they DIDN'T do it: Obsesing and analyzing every detail about their interaction with a girl and feeling sorry for themselves on forums while blowing up 10k internet spaceships about it.
It's the way forward.
You didn't do anything wrong, she just wasn't intersted. The only thing you did wrong was push it.
The second time you spoke to her, you remember how you felt?
Think about it. Take a moment and think real hard about how you felt during that time, what you said... what she said... how she said it. You remember that feeling?
Hold onto that feeling, never forget it. That's the feeling that a sensitive guy gets when he's talking to a girl who isn't interested in them. Remember it and the next time you feel it again move on, brother, move on.
There's nothing you can do, there's nothing you can say, that is the way it is.
Then dont' worry about it, just be you, do your thing. You do not need someone else to complete you, you are your own person.
No phone number = No interest.
Brother, you did nothing wrong. Nothing. She's just not into you, and that's the hard truth.
-Robert E. Howard
Tower of the Elephant
Also, did anyone else read the title and wonder "whoa, how cool would it be if you could add metadata tags to posts?"
Limed for the God Damn Truth.
Pursuance is.
3ds friend code: 2981-6032-4118
Thanks guys. Some really well chosen words of wisdom there.
And I'm glad someone liked my metatag idea. ^^
Bottom line is, stop talking to her and just accept the way things are and move on. But I really wouldn't go out of my way to avoid her. I mean, you should hang out with your friends as much as you like, and not let her attitude cause you to miss out on having your own goddamn social life.
To be fair... have you ever been in her shoes? I know I have. I mean, I basically hit on pretty much everyone around me, mainly as a defense mechanism in case I have an interest in one of them, I can just wait until they come to me instead of getting all sweaty and unable to talk and broadcasting my feelings all over the place(also I have a low enough self-esteem that I assume everyone will realize that the thought of them being attracted to me is insane, therefore clearly I am not serious most of the time)(and yeah, I know... I'm that guy)... and the downside is that I have been hit on by girls I'm not attracted to or have no interest in beyond friendship... and it's a really hard thing to handle. Like... do I stop hitting on them? That would just be weird. Do I keep hitting on them with the danger that they might think I'm interested in them? Then I might be sending mixed signals. On the one hand, I don't want to lead them along.. and on the other I don't want to hurt their feelings or single them out just because they're attracted to me. It's a hard balance achieve. And as someone who's been on both the receiving end and crushing end of crushes turned friendship... if you just keep going as normal, there's a good chance you'll end up friends. Of course.. you also have to move on if she's not interested and there's little chance of her being interested.
This post is insanely confusing.
The OP's problem is solved: He should move on and never think about this girl again.
I am confused myself. Though boiled down:
Though she may seem as though she's nasty and cold... there's a good chance she's just as confused about what to do as you... and she probably doesn't want to give you false hope, so is being colder than normal or some such.
More boiled down: Everyone else is just as confused as the OP.
What the hell are you talking about?
No one here is confused. The girl doesn't give two shits about the OP and she's made that abundantly clear. She wouldn't care if he dropped dead tomorrow. It's time for him to move on. That's pretty much the fact of this matter. There is no underlying symbolism or move. The only false hope being given here is your suggestion that she is somehow confused about how to approach the OP's advances.
Seriously?
She may be decided that she's not attracted to him, and she may even be decided that she doesn't want to see him or hear from him ever again. That doesn't mean that she knows exactly how to handle the situation. I doubt that there's anyone who can look at a situation like that and know exactly what to do and how to handle it hands down. For that matter any situation in life.
Just because someone is cold doesn't mean that they know what they're doing exactly... maybe she didn't know she was being unfriendly and insulting. Maybe she just wanted to be friends, but she didn't know how to deal with the situation so went too far. Assuming that everyone else knows exactly what they're doing and talking about and is happy with all of their choices is flat-out dumb. I don't want to give "false hope", but portraying someone as "a cold bitch" because she rejects someone or doesn't like someone seems to be quite the leap.
I'm in agreement that the OP should move on... at least from thinking of anything romantically, but I'm also addressing the phrase "I feel like there's some kind of arcane code that everybody knows but me". There isn't, and it's a big epiphany when you realize that everyone else is clueless about it too. You see people who seem to get things right? They're probably still feeling that there's something that they don't understand.
Off-topic perhaps... but still relevant to the OPs comments... just not his question.
Have you ever taken the time to think about what you think you would like in a romantic interest/significant other/girlfriend? Physically, do you prefer blonds, redheads, raven hair, etc.? Do you prefer a very intellectual and practical girl, or more of a bubbly cutesy type, or some combination of both? Would you prefer her to have similar interests as you, or different interests? Very talkative, or somewhat quiet? Smokes? Drinks?
This might seem unnecessary, but actively searching for the girl you want involves a different mentality than searching for some girl that looks OK and is willing to date me. Everyone's list will be different, but for me, if the way you've described this girl is accurate, she would have been off my list a few minutes after meeting her. Unless you are some kind of masochist or hate having interesting conversations, I'd suggest that she would not match your criteria either - once you take the time to come up with your criteria.
P.S. My only caution if you actually take the time to do this is not to use it as an excuse for why you don't talk to new people. The point of the exercise above is to have standards for who you date, not to set your standards so high that you can avoid talking to anyone new.
pleasepaypreacher.net
having a GF isn't worth having that kind of headache. There are too many people that hook up with someone just so that they can be with someone...anyone. Don't be that person. If you're not interested in other women at this time...so be it.
I myself sorta go through the same thing. There are days I'm an absolute horndog and have to be flirting with a woman or going out with them at all times. and there are days where I absolutely could not give two shits if I ever know the touch of a woman again.
Welcome to the human race.
Enlist in Star Citizen! Citizenship must be earned!
That first paragraph had me actually thinking you were going to condone that sort of behaviour.
You are a sly one.
just saying. :winky:
definitely not long term material though
Enlist in Star Citizen! Citizenship must be earned!
"Hey, I wanna go see *new movie she might like* and no one wants to go with me. Wanna go?"
"Wanna try the new Thai restaurant that opened up? I want to, but I don't wanna be the creepy guy sitting by himself. I'm buying."
Who knows, you may find out that you do like some of these girls. And it will help to build your confidence, which will have the added effect of making you more attractive to girls, which will build your confidence, etc.
Also, you're going about the pursuit thing in the wrong way, imo. There are plenty of girls that I found attractive before I talked to them, but which I found unattractive afterwards. If it's not a match when you talk to them it's not a match. You don't want to be the person that gravitates towards people that are uninterested/dismissive/rude/selfish. I verified this in my late teens/early twenties when I was a punk rock ASSHOLE, and suddenly I was more attractive than when I was nice. If you are that type of person, I would just be aware and try to compensate.
Just reading his first post it is easy to see that he doesn't want to let go of someone he never had in the first place. There are so many women out there that there is no reason to get hung up on just one.
Interesting observation, and yeah, that may well be a part of it. I mean I have a tendency of being nice to people when I really shouldn't be, and it's made worse when I have something that's keeping me from being offensive, like my emotions in this situation. Then I get pissed when it's already too late to do anything about it. Still, there was never anything holding me back from just walking away, so in a way I never really felt any kind of verbal backlash would be justified.
Done and done. I don't avoid that group of friends anymore, and ignoring her is managable, and getting easier.
The funny thing is that soon after all this started (like after seeing her two or three times) I was thinking the exact same thing. I even told a friend of mine who was getting kind of suspicious that "I think she's kinda cool, but there's no way I can talk to her normally". Really, if I hated having interesting conversations, she'd be perfect for me. Nearly every time I said something with the intent of starting a conversation, it ended seconds later with a weird, impulsive-seeming response from her that would basically stop me in my tracks and confuse the hell out of me.
And I wouldn't have found this unusual if I wasn't used to having perfectly normal conversations with all kinds girls, even ones that have much less in common with me (as far as general interests go at least) than this one had. But then, like I said, I got ensnared somehow.
Not that this should change the general consensus here, I'm just sharing this to get a clearer picture.
By the way, I feel surprisingly good right now. Hope it lasts.