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ex girlfriend advice needed.
DarkSymphony
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
ok I broke up with my girlfriend last night (we were together just over 1 year) and I REALLY did not want to, but with how everything was going and how she deals with problems and her life in general, I decided it was the most logical solution to making her and me happier. The reason for that decision was because of her unbelievable need for me (moreso than a normal healthy relationship). If I take 1 day and don't go see her and say, I go to Montreal to see my friend for his birthday (did this last week) she sees the ordeal as me leaving her or abandoning her. There are many reasons why she can't come along and none of them have to do with me not wanting to bring her. I've wanted to bring her all over the place for a long time now, but there are factors that dictate that not happening. I care deeply for her and I really do have feelings for her even still. She has been way to dependant on me for the last 4-5 months of our relationship and it just finally made me realize she needs to be independant first and be able to live a normal life with her friends. What I need advice on is...did I do the right thing?
we fight just about every single day unless I'm physically in her presense because she's happy when I'm there with her. She keeps telling me I don't have enough time for her (I work, she doesn't) and she has very little friends. She was using me as a way to gain all of the emotion and friendship that she didn't get elsewhere. I ended it because I felt like I was being pinned down. I couldn't go out and do things with friends without feeling terrible about it and like I had done something wrong. I feel aweful about ending it because it's not what I wanted, but at the same time it's the most logical thing for the both of us.
we fight just about every single day unless I'm physically in her presense because she's happy when I'm there with her. She keeps telling me I don't have enough time for her (I work, she doesn't) and she has very little friends. She was using me as a way to gain all of the emotion and friendship that she didn't get elsewhere. I ended it because I felt like I was being pinned down. I couldn't go out and do things with friends without feeling terrible about it and like I had done something wrong. I feel aweful about ending it because it's not what I wanted, but at the same time it's the most logical thing for the both of us.
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YMMV but thats the way i see it.
You may like the girl but if you don't like what she is doing to you you shouldn't be with her.
Satans..... hints.....
It was a very mature decision. Well done.
Will it help if I put it in the form of a picture?
-she depended on me WAY to much. it got to the point where I couldn't tell her "no, I have things to do today so I can't hang out" I would have to simply not tell her that and try to fit the things I had to do into other time slots.
-she would make me tell her an exact "yes or no" to almost everything. There was no maybe to her. Maybe simply meant yes and that if I said "I can maybe see you friday if I don't have to work" then she would take that as a yes and as a direct promise that I was going to spend time with her. If work came up or something else (for example, my car broke down recently so I couldn't see her) she took that as me taking back a promise and being unreliable).
-she took everything far to seriously. She messaged me the other day asking me to call before I went to work, but I logged onto AIM and saw her away message that she was in the shower, so I IMed her and said I was going to work and that I would be back that night. she was a little upset because I didn't do what she asked me to do.
-after spending about 10-12 hours with her in any given day I'd often say I was tired and want to go home and sleep (this was often by midnight) and she would be very upset because I could theoretically spend more time with her, but being that I am willing to leave at an earlier time than the latest time possible, to her that meant I didn't want to spend more time with her.
and these are the things I liked:
-when not arguing or fighting, we got along like we were the best friends who had ever met each other. we laughed at all kinds of stuff together. shit I could fart on her and she'd think it was hilarious. we talked about everything and just could be together for hours on end (when not fighting) and be so happy about it.
-we liked all the same stuff. videogames, playing real guitar, guitar hero, DDR, ITG, drawing and innapropriate use of internet terms in real life.
-we trusted each other implicitly.
-we were exceedingly loyal to each other in that we'd never even entertained the thought of cheating on the other.
I just feel like I'm this huge idiot who ended something that was amazing, yet extremely flawed. At the core, I had deep feelings for her and the fact that I ended it just makes me think I'm retarded. The fact that I ended it means I decided it was in the best interest of the both of us to lead happier lives.
Thus, I am unbelievably conflicted. I'm half tempted to call her, tell her I'm retarded and beg her to come back. I have no fucking idea what to do
If the two of you are ever going to be friends, you need to cool off and to let the hormones and crap die down a bit.
I had to put the breaks on a relationship lately after she tried to use me as a trump card to deal with her losing the interest of another guy, to the point where the M-word popped up, to which I responded by voicing my trust issue with her. The end result of it was she just stopped wanting to be friends if she couldn't go from 0 to 60, and the best thing I ever did was simply not fight her on the point, and my last words were "Okay, bye" before I hung up.
If a relationship is THAT delicate, it's not a very good relationship, and isn't likely to go anywhere good.
But I assure you I know how you feel. I've had to fight myself every day to keep from trying to call her up to talk her out of it, but at the end of the day, it's just not going to work right now.
Just gotta bite your lip and move on for now.
Protip: a relationship should not be an agonizing burden that you manfully bear to demonstrate to yourself and others that you are a Good Person. If you don't have kids or financial commitments or other serious grown-up type stuff to worry about, then there's nothing inherently 'selfish' about ending something that's not working for you.
Now, obviously parts of it you're going to miss, but you have to remember that you made this decision for a reason. When you were in the relationship, the good stuff wasn't sufficient to outweigh the drawbacks in your mind, which in itself indicates that there were problems - do you think that the space of a couple days has changed that? Rather than second guessing, try trusting the DarkSymphony of a few days ago and respect the choice he made - exercise your newfound freedom, go visit your friends without having to stress out about what she thinks, that sort of thing. Give it a few weeks and see if you don't start to enjoy yourself.
A good break for a while for her to find herself is the most sensible thing to do, but if you really care about her, you should make sure not to lose her forever.
But there needs to be some personal growth here, and some patience.
Like with a plant, you can't keep pruning it constantly. Sometimes you just have to let it bask in the sun and grow for awhile on its own power.
I wouldn't suggest getting involved again until you, personally, are relaxed about this.
So long as you're both anxious, it's going to get messy again.
Satans..... hints.....
Not ten years, but I had a girl I regretted breaking up with for at least 3 or 4. I look back now with confidence it was correct in all ways.
So I support Blanket's notion that because this is fresh, it looks better than it is, thus the hanging feelings.
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
I'm not saying you should get back together with her, especially if you two are young because it would be way too much responsibility.
Have you ever discussed with her that she may have self-esteem/intimacy/dependency issues? How did she react if you did?
Basically I had a similar pattern to her own as I was growing up. I would get into a serious relationship with a guy and then basically exhibit some of the same behaviors she did. It's a relationship killer, as you can see. But I kept doing it.
Finally, this time around, I decided I wanted things to be different because I was unhappy no matter what when I did things my way. I went to free counseling at my university to figure out why the pattern continued, learned some things about myself I didn't realize and started to change for the better.
For me, it just came to a point where I said "I'm not happy with these behaviors and I want to learn how to stop them so I stop sabotaging my own relationships and so that I can be a stronger person in general"
It ain't easy by any means, and really, it's gotta be something she wants for herself. That's because this about her, not you or the relationship.
It's actually probably best that she go through such a process on her own so that 'the relationship' isn't clouding up her own needs and goals, but if you do want to stay with her and this is something she might respond positively to on suggestion it's another option for you.
Again, not something I'd suggest for a young couple of the high school or early college age because there is still so much growth/change and volatility in a person's character during those times that she might figure it out on that journey on her own. But, if it's later on for you two, it might be worth a go.
This would be hard work (for the both of you), you have to want it and it could be a continual process to change your character for the better, but there you have it.
Really, for her sake, I hope the light bulb goes on for her or it'll just keep happening for her this way. Best of Luck to you both.
you splitting with her is honestly for the best.
The only way it would work is if you put your foot down at every instance -- you set the times to meet, you left on a schedule, and so on. And she would hate you for it and likely dump you.
Her parents are overprotective and don't let her out, so she uses you as an out (based on your previous thread). Her tendencies are emphasized by being stuck at home, but they've become so ingrained that even though the only real solution is for her to move out (and get a job and everything), she would likely make herself so miserable that even the good things would disappear.
It's not worthwhile tormenting yourself 95% of the time for 5% of enjoyment. As you pointed out, you like hanging out with her but only when she's not pissed off.
You need to watch out, though. If she's been utterly dependent on you, she's not likely to last long without contacting you. She's either going to be weepy or pissed as hell. You need to point out that she's making herself miserable by being so dependent on you, and that the dependence is what drove you away in the first place, and then hang up.
What ended up breaking my dependence on my boyfriend was his moving away after graduation. He was two classes ahead of me, so I didn't have the choice of following him when he got a job and moved 1200 miles away. At that point, we'd been together almost 2 years, and we decided to try a long-distance relationship. It was really hard at first, because I had made him the center of my life. Obviously, I couldn't live like that for long, and I eventually learned to have my own life, with my own friends. But I couldn't have done that if I hadn't been forced to figure out how to live without him.
So basically, I think what you did was a logical choice, even if you guys end up getting back together. You two won't have a shot at a healthy relationship if she is never forced to get along without you. Depending on how quickly she adapts, even a couple weeks apart might be enough to teach her how to get along without you. I used to cry whenever I had to part with my boyfriend, even if it was just for a couple weeks. Then we broke up once for the space of about 4 hours, and, while I was devastated, I realized that I had friends who cared about me, and that the world wasn't over just because our relationship was. Even though it was just 4 hours, it helped me become confident that I could very well live without my boyfriend, and thus I became a lot less needy. We're still together now, and our 7-year anniversary is coming up
Anyway, I don't know how you ended things, but if you still feel like you want to give your relationship another shot in a month, you should see if she's gotten her life back together and maybe talk to her about it. It sounds like you guys had a good thing going, but it wasn't going to end well if she didn't learn to be at least somewhat emotionally independent of you. So if she, like me, learned her lesson, I don't see why you two can't give it another shot.
Parents are the Anti-help. With them meddling, she's going to be even less likely to learn to be emotionally independent. Unless she's one of those freaks who actually, you know, takes her parents' advice. Given that her parents are reacting this way, I bet she's one of those over-sheltered maybe semi-spoiled types, which explains a lot about her dependence on you: you're her favorite toy, and she needs to have her toys at her disposal at all times. You need to stay away until she learns how to live without her toy, anyway, so I really wouldn't worry about reasoning with her parents (you probably can't).
I'm not saying forever, although having a finite timeline will ruin things too.
A little bit of tough love is really the only solution here, and yeah, it's gonna hurt for you too, but in the end, you'll both be stronger for it, whether you end up back together or not.
If you truly care about her (and I believe you do) you owe it to her to cut her off, so she can grow past her dependancy on you.
The way I would tell you to go about this (and if some one disagrees with the method, feel free to jump in with a better one) is to give her a call (this is for your protection. Looking into her eyes, etc., might kill your resolve on this.) and tell her that, while you care deeply for her, and you really like being with her, you don't think that your relationship is very healthy right now. What you want to do is to take some time apart, NOT see other people, but just lead seperate lives for a little bit, and that when you get back together, you think that you will both be stronger, and your relationship will be stronger too, because of it.
Make it clear thatyou don't even think thatthe two of you should speak to each other for a while, because a little call here or there will devolve into calls every day, if not multiple times a day.
Don't let her talk you out of it. She might promise to change, and she might really want to, but it isn't just going to magically happen. Her dependancy on you isn't some choice that she decides to make, and it can't just be flipped on or off.
Make it clear that you care about her, and you still want to be with her. Make it clear thatyou don't think the relationship is healthy right now. Make it clear thatyou think this is thebest way to fix it, and even though it will hurt it will end up making everything better in the long run. Be honest, and be firm. IN the end, you have to be willing to even hang up on her, if you have to, if she absolutely refuses to accept what you are saying. Tough love isn't easy, but sometimes it's really the only way of fixingthese things, without scrapping them altogether.
If she threatens to hurt herself (I'm not saying she will, but the possibility is there.) Call her family immediately afterwards, and tell them that she told you she was going to hurt herself. It's okay to tell them what you told her, although you don't need to disclose it if they don't ask. If you do tell them about it, make it clear that you do care about her, and that you really are trying to fix things. Once you have put this in their hands, you have to leave it to them,which is EXTREMELY difficult, but absolutely neccesary. If hurting herself gets you to come running back one time, then she might just try to do it again if she ever feels you slipping away from her.
A relationship is not healthy, no matter how much you love the other person, if they make you feel guilty for things that you should have no guilt over. Breaking plans with her to go hang out with your friends would be one thing, but simply feeling guilty for spending time away from her is not at all healthy, and will only get worse.
Above all else, she needs to have a life of her own. To stay with her, right now, is to enable her in the destructive behavior that she is engaged in. It hurts, but you have to put your foot down and cut her off. It doesn't have to be forever,but it has to be long enough for things to change.
Wouldn't it be great if all of the crazy women would just identify themselves up front? It would save so much time and heartache...
Seriously, though, I just want to reitterate the importance of standing your ground. Chances are that she will cry, and she will beg, and she will bargain, and every single time your heartwill break over and over again. You have to force yourself to do the right thing, though, for BOTH of your sakes.
As cold hearted as it sounds, that's why I really recommend the phone for this, because if you have to look her in the eys, if will be that much harder to do. Also it means that you can end the discussion at any time. It seems mean, and it will feel mean, but just keep reminding yourself that it's for the best.
She had told me "you can make me feel like you want me back, you just have to fight to get me back". And, I had envisioned it in my head what that would entail. It feels like I'd have to bend over backwards and make her feel like what I did was the wrong thing, when in reality it was the right decision for both of us regardless of how much I don't like it. I feel going back to her would (by default of the fact that I would have to prove I was wrong) thus not teach her a thing. All day at work today I had this gigantic feeling of "I'm a horrible person, I took it all away from her and she's a great person. she does not deserve to be hurt so hard". It took 2 coworkers (great friends too) to convince me that I'm a great person, but am helping both of us. I *am* starting to feel better, but there's that sliver of a % of me that wants shit to just be normal again with me and her. I cannot figure out how to set my mind straight and it's damn annoying :P
Even *if* I were to straighten shit out and go back, she wouldn't want things to be like they were. She told me "I wouldn't be able to trust you with my emotions". I tried understand what exactly she meant and it seemed as if it would be us starting at square 1 with the knowledge we have of how the relationship went and the feelings we had....5 days ago. That seems fucking pointless and retarded to me.
sorry, I'm venting and just smashing at the keys the feelings I have from all of this.
Fucked-up dependency issues are inherited. People get them from their parents.
Also, people like that have a way of making you feel guilty that you've broken up with them. Don't confuse guilt with love. Hell, even if it is love, it takes more than love to make a relationship work. And the only thing worse than a relationship with somebody you don't love is a relationship that doesn't work with somebody you do love.
I suggest severing all contact with her for a while. At a bare minimum; give it three weeks. No phone, no email, no texting. No contact with her parents, either. talking to her or to them is only going to drive you both crazy.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
you've done the right thing man, it's just gonna be hard for about a week or so. you're going to keep telling yourself that you were wrong and you need to take it all back for at least a few days, i went through the same thing, its just how things are for nice guys.
this is going to sound particularly bad, but it helps if you focus on the negative aspects of your relationship (i.e. the reasons you broke up). then you can reminisce later on when you feel well at ease with your decision.
and i agree, if the parents are seriously so immature as to hate you for what happened, then be glad you got out when you did, because you were only going to get into a really bad situation later on.
its the best course of action for both of you, just keep your head straight and stick with it. i've known a couple people like her, and she may try to guilt you into coming back to her (if she hasnt already), so be prepared.
Ok, I was totally sympathetic with her until this post. This bitch is crazy; even I at my most clingy would never have said crazy shit like this. Fight for her? Wow, that's some grade A Dramaqueen bullshit there, and I know Dramaqueens -- I lived with one in college. Put her number on ignore and don't talk to her
EVER AGAIN!
I mean, typically isn't it:
person1: I don't think we should see each other any more
person2: No, we can't break up! I can change!
p1: I'm sorry, we just really need to be apart for a while
p2: I'm going to fight for you! I'll show you how different I can be!
Not:
person1: Hey, I'm dumping you
person2: you bastard, you're going to have to fight to win my heart back after you said you don't want to see me any more!
p1: wait, I'm dumping you, why would I fight for something I don't want anymore.
p2: it's OK, maybe we can work something out for you going out with me again, but only if you do exactly what I say.
Jesus christ.
She's so much bad news I can't even find the words.
I've met one or two over the years.
Stay the course duder.
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-I show up
-her mom and dad avoid me like i had the plague.
-her mom can't look me in the eye and just runs off somewhere
-her dad yells at me telling me "move your fucking car, i have to leave"
-I walk into her room and I talk to her sister for a minute, to which she told me "just don't"
-I walk over and talk to her
-we talk for about an hour and a half (I only went there to pick up some ps2 games I left there)
-through the whole talk she was "giving me the chance to prove her that she wants me back"
-I tell her I want to be with her, but only if things can be different
-she tells me I have to make them different all by myself. telling me there are alot of things that I personally have to change.
-she proceeds to tell me "You made a huge mistake and now you have to fix it. you broke my feelings and emotions and now, you've come here and they aren't fixed. if you ever want us to be friends or be together you're going to have to work very hard for it"
-I leave with her dad yelling at me and her mom going crazy.
- never see her again
her parents never wanted me dating their daughter. her mom was raped as a young'un and thought of me as a threat. I was nothing but nice to them, kind to them and caring to the entire family. Just last week the mother told her daughter that she thought we need to break up. Her mom told her:
"you're controlling his life, you're obsessing over him and you are making his life miserable. it has to stop before he leaves you"
then...
I leave her and now her mom thinks I'm the worst human being alive.
Jesus.
Up to these points, i was thinking ok, sounds about right for a break up you initiated...
but seriously, what the fuck, man? You ended it with her, what is wrong with her that she thinks you then have to prove yourself to her? She has a serious problem perceiving what is happening here. Also sounds like her mum is projecting her fears onto the daughter, and is probably a big contributer as to the reason she's got so many problems. I'd bet they already had the "You're too good for him anyway, we always thought that" speech, hence her wanting YOU to change. They've shifted all the blame to you and convinced her of it, because its easier that way than addressing the real problem.
None of this is your fault. You tried to help, you stuck around well after most people would have left. But the problems are too big for you to handle, they are ruining YOUR life & happiness, so just cut the cord. Seriously, block all avenues of contact and dont answer her calls. Cut her off, it'll still hurt for a while, i know you do care for her, but it really is best for you. Is it best for her? Maybe, maybe not. This is not your problem anymore. Dude, sometimes in life you have to put yourself first. I bet the next girl you start a relationship with you'll be kicking yourself wondering why you put up with this nonsense for so long.
edit : I really hope you can stay strong enough to cut it off completely bro. I've followed your various threads about this, and i really do feel bad for you. I can see you've put a lot of care & love into this relationship, and i respect that, but i really think this is a poisonous part of your life that needs to be left behind.
The best way to get over lingering feelings for an ex is to start dating again, don't have to start dating a specific person, but getting out and going on some first dates does WONDERS for helping you bounce back.
I'm not saying forsake your feelings or forget the good times, but it's over and even if you never speak to her again you can still end up dwelling on your past relationship. Once you get out there you'll see there are some CRAZY women and some AMAZING ones and everything won't be so bad anymore, ya know?
You'll see how stupid it is to try and bind yourself to a drowning and unhealthy relationship.
Best of luck to ya, I've got a date with an awesome chick Friday, better watch out or you'll lag behind and I'll snatch up all the good ones.
I'm sorry you're going through all this crap
GET OUT!
Instead of obsessing over this anymore, accept that you aren't equipped to handle their degree of crazy, and cut ties. Tell your friends that you're going through some tough times, and ask them to help keep you busy so you don't have time to just sit around and mope over this. Plan some activities to get out and maybe meet new people. Go see a movie with your friends, or go to a bar or something. But above all, keep moving and don't stagnate in your own thoughts, because you'll over-think the issue and do something you regret.
Need anymore convincing that you can't possibly fix this? Cryogen is right, her overprotective parents most likely convinced her that you were the one being the bastard for not appreciating how much she cares about you. With such enablers around, she's not going to get better. Also, her parents are also showing that they are not mature enough to handle any sort of conflict in a healthy manner. Would you be pissed at some guy who hurt your daughter? Sure. Does that mean you should scream at him about random things when he is a guest in your house? No, that's crude and immature. You shouldn't deal with these people more than you absolutely have to, and, luckily for you, breaking up with the girl means you don't have to, ever again! Now take advantage of that opportunity and just cut off ties and move on with your life.