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How personal is pornography?
Vrtra Theory
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Interested in the opinion of you D&D folks: how personal (private might be a better word) do you think your pornography habits are? In your group of friends, would a conversation ever ensue where you would say "oh, yeah, I occasionally get in the mood for a few she-male galleries"? Or is pornography more of a personal taboo: humorous to joke about and perhaps rib some friends about, understood as part of culture, but never actually acknowledged?
An event that happened just tonight brought this up for me. A platonic but very close female friend gifted me with a sleazy Asian porno DVD (I actually chuckled at the ridiculous "She Need Cum from Sum Yung Guy" scrawled on the cover) for my birthday. Jokes and general ribbing about masturbation and pornography are pretty common in my social circle, and I'm attracted to Asian women, so I understand the thought process there. But (to my surprise) I found the gift rather offensive.
I felt that actually handing me a porno was an (unintentional) slap in the face - almost a "well, you're single and probably need to get off, you might need this", as opposed to jokes about pornography, which feel more like "lol, everybody loves porn, I know you watch it too". I might discuss my preferences in women with male friends, but even with them I don't talk about how many times a month I masturbate or what porn I like to watch or anything like that.
To compound the problem, two female friends of hers (who I'd never met before) happened to be there. I was rather irritated at that as well, since I'd rather not have anyone's first memory of me be "the guy that has that Asian porno" - kinda tends to trump that whole "guy who dressed alright and was kind of cute" memory.
So, anyway, am I totally normal in that I partake of pornography, but don't expect to be called out on it or have it brought up? Or am I being a hypocrite? When it comes to strangers, am I simply worrying too much about what other people think, or am I justified in being annoyed at a gag gift that could be misconstrued? And, finally, anyone ever been in a similar situation?
An event that happened just tonight brought this up for me. A platonic but very close female friend gifted me with a sleazy Asian porno DVD (I actually chuckled at the ridiculous "She Need Cum from Sum Yung Guy" scrawled on the cover) for my birthday. Jokes and general ribbing about masturbation and pornography are pretty common in my social circle, and I'm attracted to Asian women, so I understand the thought process there. But (to my surprise) I found the gift rather offensive.
I felt that actually handing me a porno was an (unintentional) slap in the face - almost a "well, you're single and probably need to get off, you might need this", as opposed to jokes about pornography, which feel more like "lol, everybody loves porn, I know you watch it too". I might discuss my preferences in women with male friends, but even with them I don't talk about how many times a month I masturbate or what porn I like to watch or anything like that.
To compound the problem, two female friends of hers (who I'd never met before) happened to be there. I was rather irritated at that as well, since I'd rather not have anyone's first memory of me be "the guy that has that Asian porno" - kinda tends to trump that whole "guy who dressed alright and was kind of cute" memory.
So, anyway, am I totally normal in that I partake of pornography, but don't expect to be called out on it or have it brought up? Or am I being a hypocrite? When it comes to strangers, am I simply worrying too much about what other people think, or am I justified in being annoyed at a gag gift that could be misconstrued? And, finally, anyone ever been in a similar situation?
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i think the best way to have handled the situation would have been to treat the gift overwhelmingly as a gag gift.
"man, why do i need this crap when i already have a walk in closet full of this stuff?" then laugh and toss it jokingly back at her. or something like that.
But I think most people, myself included, treat porn like a huge joke when we're with each friends. Outside of talking about it with old people around, it's pretty acceptable to crack a few jokes here and there. Not talk about techniques and camera angles and detailed stuff about it like that, but jokes are always welcome.
If you're in a party atmosphere, I don't think you have to worry about some strangers thinking you getting a porn makes you a freak. It's a party. Silly things happen. If I was a stranger and I saw that happening I wouldn't think much of it, other than it was funny and embarrassing. I believe that's the point of a gag gift, anyway.
Likewise, if you've already mentioned pornography casually to your friends previously, that sets a precedent. If you were always telling people not to talk about it, showing you were clearly uncomfortable with the subject matter in public, then I don't think she would have given you that gift. As it is, I don't think it's reasonable to assume that she would know that you would be uncomfortable beforehand.
On the other hand, although I've never reveled in chatting about it much, occasionally my brother who is about two years older than I occasionally interjects his/his friends habits/collections into the conversation at not entirely surprising moments. Being in the workforce with a fair few older males, he is strongly of the view that as one gets older, sex will often come emotionally unattached rather than attached, which is how I think most of us find it when we're younger (of course, this does not include those in long term monogamous relationships). So perhaps then porn becomes more a subject for discussion since it's the idea of sex without emotion, which is more commonplace. If you follow my train of thought there.
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As to the rest of it: I discuss different elements of my "sexual psyche" I guess I would call it depending on (a) how close I am to someone and (b) how open they are to such discussions. I have a lot of platonic female friends...some of them talk about nothing but sex after knowing them for a month, others I've known for a decade and we hardly talk about it at all. It really just depends on who I'm talking to...it's like any other subject as far as I'm concerned. Sex, Star Wars, Harry Potter, math, whatever.
But never with respect to "I totally dig (X, Y, and/or Z) characteristics on my (men/women/something in-between/animals/those anime-type dolls/whatever), except with the vague acknowledgement that if you have been actively using the internet you have probably seen a lot of crazy shit, particularly when Germans and Japanese people are involved.
Otherwise, I really don't see the big deal. I masturbate, and often I masturbate to porn, and that's not really an unusual habit, so why should I pretend that I don't?
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
D&D...remember this when shopping for me.
Secret Satan's coming up!
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
So for his birthday I bought him a movie called Clownfuckers. It is exactly as it sounds - a porn entirely of people in clown makeup and clown suits fucking, with a big messy clown orgy at the end.
Now that was classy porn.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
But I suppose that's an entirely different culture.
Hey, me too!
And if I asked them nicely I could probably watch a porn in the background too.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Unless they get busted, which has happened.
So could I, and I teach kindergarten
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j/k. Honest.
Actually, among my friends, porn is discussed, but not in a serious manner. I might know offhand from looking at bookmarks and browser history that so-and-so enjoys amateur stuff, and that guy has a thing for big melons, but we would never seriously sit down and have a deep discussion about pornography and what floats our respective boats. We would also never watch porn together unless strictly as a joke (we use to have co-ed donuts & porn night in college, complete with the worse porn sub-category ever: midgets & fat people).
That's among the more disturbing things I've ever read.
And I tend to think that sex-centric gifts are kind of tacky, when not from your SO. Even then, there's a risk :P
I think you're taking it a little too personally, but that doesn't mean you are. Maybe she was stumped for a present and figured this was a good choice.
Be glad is wasn't a blow up sheep, or a personal penis enlarger/magnifying glass, or gay porn with a male blow up doll.
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Anyone recall how casually that stock guy talked about the Mexican donkey show in 40 Year old Virgin? That's the line in the sand in that; if it freaks you out, other people probably don't want to hear about it.
I've seen it. Thing is, we actually thought it as going to be funny so that's why we got it. I literally watched one minute of it and couldn't watch any more. It was honestly one of the most fucked up things I have ever seen.
T-rex porn, on the other hand, is hilarious.
I bought a blow up sheep for my college roommate one year. He was from a very rural area, so it was a common joke that he had his way with farm animals. I think it really offended him, because he made a point about puncturing the sheep with a sharp object so it could no longer inflate.
So...yes, they exist. And they run about $20 for a cheap one.
And are damn hillarious at parties.
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I can beat that.
Back in college, I was active with Catholic stuff. The evening before a retreat, we gathered at the priest's place for dinner and final planning and such.
There's something quite surreal about walking into the house of a man of the cloth and seeing sheep posters, sheep pictures, and sheep blow-up dolls.
Turns out he just really liked sheep sex jokes. The man knew more than I thought existed. I can't imagine the set of circumstances that had the universe create an otherwise devout and wise priest with a bizarre sheep fetish.
I think what Adam Corolla once said on porn is spot on. We're so trained to believe that porn is a personal thing that we will even go to outrageous lengths to keep it that way. If a person was watching porn and Ron Jeremy walked into the room, there would still be the mad dash to turn it off.
:P
Well, fair point, but I don't think "ninja come-ons" are actually so rare... sometimes people want to show an interest in friends without making it so obvious that if the answer is "no" they can't pretend they weren't doing it unintentionally... if that makes sense through the haze of double-negatives. Also, may I reiterate :P
I know what you're getting at, but trust me, no such thing here. She simply thought it'd be funny, and was no doubt egged on by one of my buddies and his wife (both of them famous for embarrassing gift ideas).
I think the real reasons for my annoyance are actually summed up much better by the following lines from Cat and Feral:
They exist. I bought one for a friend of mine (a chick) as a gag once. She said it came with pina colada flavored lube, lol.
See how many books I've read so far in 2010
http://thornsbook.com online novel
So, wait, you never discuss sex or money with your friends?
I understand not discussing these things in a group setting, but are you actually saying you don't discuss these things 1-on-1 with your friends?
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
I think what bothered you was the fact that you were single, and didn't want your friend's female friends to think you were a lonely, sick pervert. You felt the image you were trying to convey to these strangers was ruined because you got a gift that didn't fit that image.
Would you have been angry if you two had been alone, and she gave the DVD to you? If you were in a relationship and you weren't trying to hide the fact that you're lonely, would you have been angry when she gave you the gift?
Don't get mad at your friend, and there's no reason to be upset or offended.
You just need to get some self-esteem going. That way, your view of a harmless gift doesn't turn on that panic button in your head and makes you feel that it conveys what you fear others may think about you.
Besides, it's porn. Everybody likes porn.
Most of my friends are...
Shit, I have no idea. But they don't have qualms about joking about porn.
Probably not, since pretty much everybody masturbates quite a lot.
My closer friends and I talk about quite literally everything; sexuality is hardly the least of them.
But that's a matter of none of us being afraid of taboos, and being very secure in our friendship.