I'm a bad son.

MrBallbaggins

For the past 7 years, my dad has been a raging alcoholic.

For the past 2, he's been using painkillers and tranqualizers in addition to Steel Reserve and High Gravity.

For the past 6 months, he's also been threatening my mother and myself.

We've called the cops, they won't do anything. My mom is pretty much scared shitless but won't leave because of my brother's kids (she babysits them a lot and doesn't want him to have to actually pay for a sitter. God forbid he should have to pay 150 a week so my mom doesn't think she has to live in fear). He's threatened suicide countless times, and I've even walked in on him in the garage trying to fumigate himself with a Chevy. He is absolutely convinced that nothing is his fault and it's all ours. He used to be a bouncer and was in a local somewhat big-time biker gang in the late 70s-mid 80s, and still likes to try to intimidate people, mainly my mom and my coward brother. He's 25 and doesn't live here anymore, but he still doesn't want to be on bad terms with my dad so he'll put up with his shit and humor him and tell him he's right and everything else just so he looks like the good son. When intimidation fails, he'll point out every decent thing he's ever done for any of us as if it's justification to be a douchebag. I've tried to talk to him when he's sober, and he always apologizes and swears it won't ever happen again but it always does, usually the same day.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't just abandon my mom to deal with his shit, she's very weak and has had a few strokes recently and I couldn't live with myself if I let him hurt her. I just want to hurt him. I want to grab him by his fucking throat and inform him that he's a coward, a bitch, and a lowlife motherfucker. I want to make him cry without ever having to hit him, and when he does finally break down like a cunt I want to beat him until there's nothing left. I honestly love him but I want to make him hurt. I know I could never make him suffer like he has all of us, but I want to try. I know I'm a horrible son, and a horrible person for even wanting to take violence against my own father but he has it coming. I've hid the guns from him so he can't use them against himself or us, but it's not hard to get a gun. I just want him to suffer and I want to watch it happen. I want to look into his eyes and make him acknowledge that he's powerless and his life is no longer in his own hands. I have never felt this way towards any person, and it scares me. He's turned me into someone I don't want to be and I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this shit before I snap.

What can I do to make this better? I feel like I've hit the wall and it's down to a last resort. I just took a gun from him today (I have no idea how he got it) that he was carrying while making veiled threats about my mom. He's currently passed out in the living room floor, but I'm pretty sure he's still breathing and hasn't OD'd. He probably won't remember any of this in the morning, and will most likely deny it all and accuse me of trying to fuck with his head. I'm sorry for rambling, but if anyone has any useful advice then I would appreciate it.

The Black Hunter

I have never dealt with anything to this degree in my family.

Your dad seems to regret what he does to some degree, perhaps showing him some footage of what he does when he is drunk might straighten him out or at least make him hesitant about his addictions.

In the end I don't know your family and i doubt many people on this forum know them either, so unless someone here has dealt with this it really comes down to you.

Thanatos

If he's threatening to shoot you and your mother with a gun, he's making terrorist threats. Call the cops. Don't stop calling the cops until they fucking do something about it. This is their motherfucking job. This is why you pay their goddamn salaries.

FyreWulff

1) Go get counseling. He won't remember the beating so it's pretty much moot, and then he'll have you sent to jail.

2) On one of his drunken nights, get him into a car, and drive him down to the nearest detox center. Tell him he can either go check himself in or you can drop him off at the police station.

3) Your mom needs to call the cops and have him kicked out. They can do it. She just has to be up to it.

MrBallbaggins

He doesn't come out and say it. He says things like "You should watch your back" and then motions his hand like a gun. The cops told us that unless he directly threatens or attacks they won't do a thing.

God I hate the cops around here.

FyreWulff

Still, call them each time he does it. Mention the hand-motion and exactly what he says.

Peter Principle

Ohio Domestic Violence Network
4807 Evanswood Drive
Suite 201
Columbus , Ohio 43229
(614) 781-9651
(614) 781-9652 Fax
(614) 781-9654 TTY
E-mail: info@odvn.org

1-800-934-9840

MrBallbaggins

I just left a message on the ODVN and I guess they'll get back to me. I'm going to call a few places and find out exactly what I can expect to happen when I have him arrested tomorrow.

FirstComradeStalin

You have to convince your mother to leave. Plain and simple. If the cops can't do anything about him, you have to just get as far away from him as you can.

nazlan

First off, do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your mother.

Secondly (but more importantly), you are not a bad son for feeling angry and bitter towards your father. Parents are not owed love, respect, and obedience simply for having provided you with half your genetic makeup. Your father has not been a parent in any real sense of the word in the time he has been gripped by his addictions, and you have every right to resent the damage he has done to your family. The test of your character comes in how you choose to deal with those emotions, and it already seems you're doing the right thing by looking out for your mother. Personally, I think that makes you a good son.

Marathon

MrBallbaggins wrote: »

He doesn't come out and say it. He says things like "You should watch your back" and then motions his hand like a gun. The cops told us that unless he directly threatens or attacks they won't do a thing.

God I hate the cops around here.

Im no lawyer, but thats a threat plain and simple. He is implying that he will physically harm you and your mother for whatever reason. He may not be pointing a gun in your face and threatening to blow your head off but he is still threatening you.

Call the cops.

Psychotic One

Sounds like a threat with intent to harm to me. You or your mom could call for domestic violence and at the very least have them take him to the station to detox I would imagine. Plus waking up in jail might be a shock he needs *shrug*

CrossBuster

nazlan wrote: »

First off, do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your mother.

Secondly (but more importantly), you are not a bad son for feeling angry and bitter towards your father. Parents are not owed love, respect, and obedience simply for having provided you with half your genetic makeup. Your father has not been a parent in any real sense of the word in the time he has been gripped by his addictions, and you have every right to resent the damage he has done to your family. The test of your character comes in how you choose to deal with those emotions, and it already seems you're doing the right thing by looking out for your mother. Personally, I think that makes you a good son.

I agree.

First and foremost, you have to realize that you owe this bastard absolutely nothing. I'm not sure what, exactly, you can and should do, but that should be your starting principle.

Serphimera

nazlan wrote: »

First off, do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your mother.

Secondly (but more importantly), you are not a bad son for feeling angry and bitter towards your father. Parents are not owed love, respect, and obedience simply for having provided you with half your genetic makeup. Your father has not been a parent in any real sense of the word in the time he has been gripped by his addictions, and you have every right to resent the damage he has done to your family. The test of your character comes in how you choose to deal with those emotions, and it already seems you're doing the right thing by looking out for your mother. Personally, I think that makes you a good son.

That is absolutely true.

He’s threatening people with a gun. Call the cops the next time something like this happens (you probably won’t have to wait long).

Also, how old are you? I don’t know if it’s possible, but you really need to get your mom and get out of that house NOW. What about your brother, can’t you two stay with him? Jeez, you shouldn’t even have to ask, he should be offering with all the help your mother is giving him.

hamburger helper

Serphimera wrote: »

nazlan wrote: »

First off, do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your mother.

Secondly (but more importantly), you are not a bad son for feeling angry and bitter towards your father. Parents are not owed love, respect, and obedience simply for having provided you with half your genetic makeup. Your father has not been a parent in any real sense of the word in the time he has been gripped by his addictions, and you have every right to resent the damage he has done to your family. The test of your character comes in how you choose to deal with those emotions, and it already seems you're doing the right thing by looking out for your mother. Personally, I think that makes you a good son.

That is absolutely true.

He’s threatening people with a gun. Call the cops the next time something like this happens (you probably won’t have to wait long).

Also, how old are you? I don’t know if it’s possible, but you really need to get your mom and get out of that house NOW. What about your brother, can’t you two stay with him? Jeez, you shouldn’t even have to ask, he should be offering with all the help your mother is giving him.

Do you have any extended family members? Go stay with them and explain what the hell is going on.

Manda

FyreWulff wrote: »

1) Go get counseling. He won't remember the beating so it's pretty much moot, and then he'll have you sent to jail.

2) On one of his drunken nights, get him into a car, and drive him down to the nearest detox center. Tell him he can either go check himself in or you can drop him off at the police station.

3) Your mom needs to call the cops and have him kicked out. They can do it. She just has to be up to it.

This isn't a short term solution, but it will help you so much in the long term. If you're still in school you should be able to get free counseling but if not there are a lot of non-profits out there who are willing to help. You don't want to carry this baggage with you for the rest of your life.

Good luck and don't give up on yourself or your mom.

METAzraeL

I don't have more advice, I just wanted to emphasize the fact that you are not a bad son, that you don't owe your father anything, especially if he's acting like this. What you are doing and the fact that you are concerned shows that you are a good person, and you should feel proud about that.

Gotr

You aren't a bad son. Your dad is a bad father.

You're right that violence is a bad thing. But you're also right that you need to set him straight and that your family needs to get the hell away from him. I'd get a good lawyer and then call the cops. If the lawyer can't make the cops arrest your dad, then maybe you need to take your case directly to court.

Bottom line though, just get away from him.

delphinus

talking from experience,
you cant "fix" your dad. he has to want to change himself, or anything he says or feels like changing will be hollow and temporary. in the meantime he's become a weight on your family in open water, while he's around he'll only continue to drag ALL of you down. CONSTANTLY. you need to get the fuck out of dodge any way you can. itd suck to see a multiple murder suicide in the news later.
dont pull a gun on him, i know the fantasy of how great it would feel to exert that effect on him, but in truth, he'll be scared for the moment then try to take that power back and pull the gun on you. he's a coward of a man and the concept of gaining any power over any one (especially someone who tries to take it away) will tip him off the edge.

what you need to do is limit the amount of exposure he has on your lives. those damn cops. keep calling them. your lives are on the line here.
it aint your fault. a man can be a good provider but yet a shitty father.

bottom line. limit his exposure to ya'll and no one can change him except himself.

Munkus Beaver

Try to record him saying something threatening to you. Failing that, take your mother to the city magistrate and get a warrant signed out for him and a protection/restraining order signed against him. Afterwards, if he threatens you again call the cops. If you have signed a warrant through the magistrate, the will then arrest him.

JohnnyCache

consider making a videotape when he's drunk.

Play it for him when he's sober.

That's probably all I have to say that won't get me infractions.

MrBallbaggins

I appreciate the advice and help, especially to you Than.

I've made my mom realize that she can't live like this, and she's got an appointment with a divorce lawyer tomorrow. In the meantime she's going to be staying with some of her relatives. I'm going to stick around here for a few more days, and see what happens. He stayed sober today, surprisingly, so I couldn't exactly call the cops on him. I'm hoping that with her out of the house he'll do something stupid that I can have him arrested for. It probably won't make him turn his life around, but if he gets court ordered AA or dry out, it might. It's worth a shot I guess.

I'm 19, I'm out of school and can leave any time I want. I've got an apartment lined up with a buddy, and can easily maintain it financially. I just want to wait until she leaves so I don't have to worry about her every night I'm gone. I've been to counseling before, but both of the therapists I saw just gave me prescriptions for various drugs to "make the living situation more tolerable," and some anti-depressants which really worked horribly.

But once again, thank you all.

STATE OF THE ART ROBOT

I probably wouldn't want to stay with him, because he might just snap with the realization that his ass is getting divorced. If you are still going to stay, watch your back man.

misbehavin

STATE OF THE ART ROBOT wrote: »

I probably wouldn't want to stay with him, because he might just snap with the realization that his ass is getting divorced. If you are still going to stay, watch your back man.

Dear God, this is so true. If he has threatened you when his life was "normal" (atleast from his likely twisted mindset), imagine how he will react when he feels his life is falling apart.

Please be careful!

SpaceMonkey

Your dad sounds like he's more on the reasonable side when he's sober, so approach him then about going to AA meetings. If he truly wants to change and stop being a prick like he says he does when he's sober, then he HAS TO GET TREATMENT. If he doesn't get treatment, it doesn't matter what he says or does, he'll end up back on the bottle or worse.

If you can somehow manage to get him to go to some AA meetings, try to attend with him. I hear success rates are much higher when someone close to the... what word to use, patient? goes along.

But you still need to get out of that damn house.