How To Be A Player Without Being One?

LondonBridge

Since I've been back in the dating I've been going the online route. I'm on a online dating site and have found many attractive and interesting girls and most will respond despite my predicament (separated). Anyways, I find that I'm emailing up to four different girls at a time and may end up going on two or more dates a week. I'm actually a nice guy and suck at playing games as I don't get off on it but I still want to date and meet the right girl, plus I suck at lying. How do I juggle different dates in a week without telling my other dates so I don't look like some player? Or maybe to say it in a polite way and still keep their interest??

Butterfly4u

It's just a date to see how things fit. Chances are these girls have been at the online dating thing for awhile as well. When I used online dating sites I usually didn't tell the guy that I had another date the next night, because chances were good that I'd never hear from them again. A good amount of guys use online dating sites to get laid, and when I wouldn't put out...Well, you get the picture. It was only after they asked me out on another date that I'd say to them something along the lines that we were casually dating until they said they wanted us to be exclusive. Be smooth about it though. Also, you aren't playing them until you start sleeping with two or more girls at once.

misbehavin

Most women will understand that if you're freshly seperated, you are not looking for instant commitment, and will want to see what's out there first. I mean, don't bring it up without provocation, because it's not vital information, but if the girl asks if you're free friday, don't be afraid to say "sorry, I'm meeting someone that night." If she gets defensive and possessive after just a handful of dates, then you don't want to go any further with that girl, anyway.

whuppins

Be honest about your situation? In this day and age, with speed dating and the Intertron, I think plenty of people are OK with the idea that you're just testing the waters. I mean, these people you're going out with are on the same dating sites; what makes you think that they aren't seeing a few different guys each week themselves?

phamtq

Call it what you will but "playing games" is part of the this whole thing. Actually, the term "playing games" is incorrect. It's more akin to a job interview than anything else.

You and these girls are siting down and talking deciding on whether or not you think they're someone you want in their life. There's nothing wrong about being picky. In fact, I'd go as far and say that it makes you more attractive to women because you're not out there trying to score with any kind of female. Relationships are a big thing. Wouldn't you want to see who the best one is for you?

To paraphrase a man who helped me out with dating:

Imagine a spectrum with "bad boys" on one end and "nice guys" on the other. What you want to do is be that guy in the middle. The "Gentleman" if you will. These guys are masculine and confident like the "bad boys" but with manners and respect like the "nice guys".

LondonBridge

whuppins wrote: »

Be honest about your situation? In this day and age, with speed dating and the Intertron, I think plenty of people are OK with the idea that you're just testing the waters. I mean, these people you're going out with are on the same dating sites; what makes you think that they aren't seeing a few different guys each week themselves?

Oh I'm sure they are but how do you let each other know without devaluing them and keep them interested as well?

CoJoeTheLawyer

Butterfly4u wrote: »

It's just a date to see how things fit. Chances are these girls have been at the online dating thing for awhile as well. When I used online dating sites I usually didn't tell the guy that I had another date the next night, because chances were good that I'd never hear from them again. A good amount of guys use online dating sites to get laid, and when I wouldn't put out...Well, you get the picture. It was only after they asked me out on another date that I'd say to them something along the lines that we were casually dating until they said they wanted us to be exclusive. Be smooth about it though. Also, you aren't playing them until you start sleeping with two or more girls at once.

Butterfly speaks the truth.

Just be honest with the girls that you went on dates with other girls. Remember, 99% of all relationship problems can be solved with a lot of sincerity and a little bit of discretion.

Fellhand

Just make it clear that you're not exclusive and you might be seeing other people. Girls do it too. If they have a problem with it, well, that kind of solves your problem for you .

furiousNU

I don't think you should worry about being a "player" when you really aren't/don't want to be one. A player dates a lot of different girls at the same time with the goal of getting laid as often as possible. You aren't doing that, your current behavior is pretty normal. You are meeting a bunch of girls and dating casually to see if any of them have personalities that match yours. That's ok. If you find a girl that you want to date exclusively, then that's when you have to let the other dates go. Until then don't worry.

Letting a girl down easy when you haven't known her for long isn't that hard. Tell her "Hey I don't think I'm ready for a serious relationship" or use the "Let's be friends" line if you have to. If the girl flips shit when you do this, then you probably wouldn't want to be with her anyways. The key thing is to not let a situation escalate if stuff starts getting awkward for you. Just be honest and sincere and you'll have nothing to worry about.

EggyToast

Don't even bring it up. If you're seeing a girl on Friday, and you went on a date on Wednesday, why would it come up? And if you ARE talking about dates you went on, what the hell are you thinking!

I did this for about a month, and it was wildly successful to the point that I met a girl I liked and now we're married. Just go on dates. Talk about all the regular date stuff. Leave the baggage at home -- don't talk about ex girlfriends or girls that you're dating.

If things don't work out or you don't like one of them, don't say "hey, I was actually dating 3 girls at the same time I was dating you, and all 3 are actually better than you." You say "it's not working out" or you just don't ever arrange date #2. A one-time meeting is not a commitment for marriage, and I give the same recommendations to younger people I know in high school who treat HS dating as pseudo-marriage.

If sex enters into the equation and you're not being safe, you should likely slow down. But if it's just dating, hanging out, getting to know people, you really don't need to tell them they have competition. Most people will react poorly to that, not because it's TMI but because it's somewhat tactless. The only real way to bring it up is to say that you just separated and you're not really looking to rebound into a super-committed relationship, and MAYBE mention that there sure are a lot of people on [internet dating site] and it wasn't that way when you met your soon-to-be-former wife.

But no, most people of either gender will not assume that someone they've dated once or twice is suddenly exclusive, not without having "a talk."

Incenjucar

My mom dated 14, read'em, 14 guys at the same time, and there was no issue. She didn't tell any of them about it, but she dated two guys a day every week. It's actually fairly normal. The whole "instant commitment" thing that's so popular right now is fairly unusual in recent history. Don't let it drag you down, just make sure you're not causing anyone any damage in the process.

Captain Awesomeftw

Fact: These chicks probably go on more dates than you do. In online dating, it's assumed you see people.

ege02

Captain Awesomeftw wrote: »

Fact: These chicks probably go on more dates than you do. In online dating, it's assumed you see people.

Truth.

Why are you so concerned about looking like a player in their eyes, or even being one? As long as you are honest about it, there is nothing wrong with it.

Zonkytonkman

Also, you aren't playing them until you start sleeping with two or more girls at once.

I'm going to disagree. You become a player when you lie. Either outright or through omission. Plain and simple. There is no set marker of "when you pass this marker you must be exclusive" . There are plenty of girls that are ok with having more than one concurrent sexual partner, and with having sexual partners with more than one partner. There are girls that are polyamorous. As long as you're up front about your current status and your intentions, then do what feels good, and find women that think that it feels good too.

Captain Awesomeftw

Zonkytonkman wrote: »

Also, you aren't playing them until you start sleeping with two or more girls at once.

I'm going to disagree. You become a player when you lie. Either outright or through omission. Plain and simple. There is no set marker of "when you pass this marker you must be exclusive" . There are plenty of girls that are ok with having more than one concurrent sexual partner, and with having sexual partners with more than one partner. There are girls that are polyamorous. As long as you're up front about your current status and your intentions, then do what feels good, and find women that think that it feels good too.

He speaks the truth.