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I'm pregnant
qulhan
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Or rather, my girlfriend is pregnant. While I'm crazy in love with her, we've only been seeing each other for a month and a half. The help and advice I need is regarding things I should be discussing with her now. I'm still in shock, as is she, but I know there are all kinds of things we should talk about before we tell family and friends. Some facts:
1. Yes we are keeping the baby.
2. She and I are committed in the long term, we have not discussed marriage. We were committed before we found out.
3. I moved in with her one week ago.
4. No I'm not an idiot. I've been in many relationships, and was married to my high school sweetheart but am now divorced. The divorce was two years ago. I know what I'm doing (or at least I think I do).
5. We are past the "oh shit" phase, and have entered "cautious excitement".
6. She is at 6 weeks.
I would really just appreciate some discussion to promote more thinking on my part on the issue. The kind of thing one would normally get from friends and family. I am just not ready to tell them at this point.
1. Yes we are keeping the baby.
2. She and I are committed in the long term, we have not discussed marriage. We were committed before we found out.
3. I moved in with her one week ago.
4. No I'm not an idiot. I've been in many relationships, and was married to my high school sweetheart but am now divorced. The divorce was two years ago. I know what I'm doing (or at least I think I do).
5. We are past the "oh shit" phase, and have entered "cautious excitement".
6. She is at 6 weeks.
I would really just appreciate some discussion to promote more thinking on my part on the issue. The kind of thing one would normally get from friends and family. I am just not ready to tell them at this point.
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More importantly, can you afford it?
If not, you should probably look into a better/another job.
Babies are expensive.
Dude, if you'r ehappy then that's fantastic. Here's some general advice.
1. Make sure that you and your wife ('cause, let's face it...) look after each other first. Put each other first and the child will be taken care of, I promise. It sounds contradictory to modern thought in terms of "children first" but if your relationship isn't healthy the child will suffer.
2. Give up your recreation first, but don't give up on your long-term goals until you they become literal impossibilities. If you're not happy then you can't be happy in the relationship... see number 1.
3. Enjoy yourself. It's a huge adventure.
4. Go and see some real life friends who you know and trust and get real life support from them.
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The next step is to talk to her about what your plans are. Marriage? Before/after the kid's born? If not married, whose responsible for the kid's name, as well as adoption matters, custody, etc. If married, figure out when, and I would suggest a quick family wedding, not an expensive extravagant deal.
After all, expensive weddings are only really worthwhile if you aren't encumbered with baby costs.
Only AFTER you have it sorted out what you two are going to do, tell your parents. Both at the same time. You do this AFTER you've talked about all of the baby stuff with each other because your parents are going to ask you all of those questions again. There's no point in telling them if all you're saying is "we're keeping it, but that's all we know."
Babies aren't the end of the world. They're just the end of a lifestyle. If you two love each other, that's the best kind of parents a kid can have. But sort out all of the logistics now. And do what's best for YOU, before the kid is born. In less than 9 months you'll truly have your own family, separate from your parents and everyone else. You need to have that sorted out ASAP in order to have the next few months be as stress free as possible.
Discussion to promote more thinking on your part? Hmm, well- I would say: stay committed to what you've already decided as far as keeping and raising your child and being with your girlfriend. Be prepared for resistance from others in your circle or family, they may not want you to take the course you are, but stay strong, but understanding as they deal with the news as well. Be prepared for irational emotional responses before reason takes control again.
Also depending on your financial situation, be prepared to sacrifice a LOT. And, I can tell a relevant Christian philosophy which, of course, you can take or leave. For the husband, in a family, the wife comes first before the children, so part of being a good father is showing the children the example of a good husband. I don't say this of course to force my religous beliefs on you- but rather to promote more thinking on your part.
Congratulations and Best wishes! I'm off to the hospital (see my thread titled, "chest pain." Hopefully I come back alive.
Er yeah, the pregnancy calendar confused me. Some pregnancy calendars count part of her cycle or something weird. Conception was four weeks ago. We have a doctor's appointment for Monday. To reiterate why I came here to talk about this instead of to family and friends, I just want to get an idea what friends and family are going to quiz me about ahead of time. I want to discuss these things with her so we're not stuck saying "Uhhhh" and looking over at each other for help when questioned. I will be talking about it with them soon enough.
Regarding stocking up on baby supplies when they're on sale ahead of time, that sounds like a really good idea.
If you had to teach your kid to talk or walk he would never learn. It is thier ability to create new abilities not your ability to teach them which fuels their development. All you have to do is express constant CONFIDENCE IN THIER ABILITIES so that your child learns that he is a worthy human. Never doubt your childs ability.
I just want to remind you about how great of a financial situation you're in compared to most people in the "Oops Baby" situation. People who are bringing in 30-35k make it work... you'll do fine!
Plan, relax, and enjoy it! :^:
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Statistically speaking, the odds are way in favor of a child with a healthy mother who gets pre-natal care.
Hope the first 3rd goes well.
Financially you sound fine, Budget like you are, you sound mature in that regard.
The other piece of advice I'll echo is for you and your lady to strive to love each other, and make each a priority. Since you both chose to keep this child, and you seem nutz about this girl, you should be set. Keep a straight head on, which it sounds like you are.
Prenatal care is very important, so go visit your doc. I'm assuming between your jobs you have insurance, If not, you'll want to explore other options. As well, check into WIC, I don't know if it's income restrictive, but if it's not, it's government funded basics. Cheese milk, eggs, bread. Though at 70k and it being your first kid, I don't think you'll struggle to feed any mouths
Make sure that your girlfriend is aware of Post-Partem issues, and open to getting treatment for them. There's no way to tell whether she'll be affected by them or not, and sometimes it's the women you think would never have the problem that get hit the worst.
Get ready to lose a lot of sleep for at least the first six months. Start thinking about how you're going to do living arrangements now to save yourself from headaches in the future. A big thing is to plan how you'll deal with the baby as a newborn. They need to be fed ever 3 hours or so at the start, and it will take a while for the mom to recover from having the baby, so her working will probably not be an option. As a result, you may need to cram in overtime or work a second job if you can't get by, at lease for a bit, on one income. If you're the only one working, you'll definitely need to think about who's going to be waking up with the baby every few hours. Some people just sleep in the same bed and trade off through the night, but that didn't work for my wife and I. We actually traded nights. She took the weeknights and I took the weekends, and we slept in separate bedrooms so that we weren't both waking up. It can be stressful not sleeping together, but it definitely helps.
One thing we were told, which we never did but I still think is an awesome idea, is to have a big baby shower/party, and tell everyone that they can't come unless they bring a bag of diapers. People are normally glad to help out in any way possible, and a few months worth of diapers in the closet waiting for the baby will be a huge lifesaver.
Start talking about whether you want the baby circumcised if it's a boy. This can be a pretty emotional issue for both of the parents, but you need to make a decision.
Also, find out your girlfriend's feelings on breastfeeding. My wife tried for the first month or so, but for whatever reason it just never worked right. You can rent pumps from baby stores for a reasonable price, and if that doesn't work, formula can be really expensive, especially when the kid is plowing through can after can. A lot of people think that formula is evil and should never be used, but, from what I've seen, most doctors agree that today's formula will provide all of the nutrition your baby needs.
Other than that, be prepared to be the only sane one in the house. My wife's body was so out of whack when she was pregnant that I pretty much did everything for a year. They sell "Preggy Pops" that are amazing for helping with morning sickness or just general nausea at most baby stores, and they're worth their weight in gold.
And if you have cats, keep her away from the catbox. Toxoplasmosis is a bitch.
*edit* Also, I'd recommend against stockpiling formula. Some babies just don't like certain types of formula, and you don't want to be stuck with a few cases of formula your baby won't take. If anything, just set the money aside. A lot of the forumula companies give out free samples by signing up on the internet.
You've only been seeing each other for a month and a half, isn't it a bit soon to be moving in?
After that time are you sure you're committed enough to have a baby?
Not things that I'd say personally, I know people in your situation that it's worked out great for and I wish you both the best, but these are two questions that friends/relatives are probably going to fire at you when they find out.
Anyway, best of luck with it all!
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Good luck, I hope everything works out for you guys.
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So this is like a real life version of the movie Knocked Up ? :P
My wife and I went through an early miscarriage about a year ago, and it was then that we found out how common it is. Her gyno said about a quarter of first pregnancies fail, most often early on.
We had told everyone too early, which made it even more emotionally wrenching when the miscarriage happened, having to tell our families again.
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As for advice I recommend the book: The Girlfriends guide to Pregnancy. It's funny and truthful and your girl will dig it. It helped me when I was pregnant. We also had a copy of what to expect when your expecting. There's a lot of weird shit your body does when pregnant and it helped us from freaking out with some things.
As a parent I'd also recommend against getting formula ahead of time. Some babies are picky and you have to try different brands or some are more sensitive to certain kinds than others. Instead stock up on wipes and diapers. Especially diapers. The best thing about it, most stores will allow you to return them if they aren't the right size. If your baby is born big and the diapers are too small you can exchange for a different size and vice versa.
Also be sure to register at places like Target or Babies R us etc. Let friends and family help you out buying crap
I do also suggest you and your girl sit down and discuss your future plans. It doesn't mean you have to get married but at least try to lay out some plans so when your family starts asking you won't feel that 'on the spot' and look clueless. If you have a plan or look like you know what your doing it will help them relax too and just enjoy the upcoming family member.
Keep in mind pregnancy screws with your hormones and can make a girl look psycho at times but try to be there for your girl. And dammit if she wants a fucking slurpee at 11pm go get her one. My husband still gets glares from my friends for that one. O_o
Two items you will really want for the baby... A Boppy it's like a horseshoe shaped pillow that is a wonderful item (especially for feeding bottle or breastfeeding. or just holding the baby your arm can get a brake) and the diaper pail. Trust me on this.
Other than that you have a good 9 1/2 months until the arrival so don't sweat things.
It's worth every smile, every hug, and everytime your little one looks at you and says 'I love you daddy/mommy'.
Congrats!
Don't let anybody whitewash any of this, children are great, but newborns... ...
First of all, prepare to never sleep for weeks. Of course that's physically impossible, but you'll feel like it. The baby will need to be fed every few hours, and before you feed them you need to change them from the remains of the last time you fed them, and whenever they are awake chances are they will cry. They'll cry when they're hungry, soiled, too hot, too cold, overstimulated, understimulated, gassy, colicky, the list goes on forever, and you'll have to try to figure out which one! Woohoo! In the meantime it just gets louder and louder until you're practically insane. Be careful when you drive in those first weeks, I'll tell you I've never been so close to a road rage breakdown as with a hysterically screaming baby in the back car seat.
For the love of anything holy, get one of those exercise/medicine/yoga balls. One big enough to sit on comfortably. Forget rocking chairs, those things are worthless. We never use ours, because the only thing the kid likes is bouncing on one of those giant balls. Sometimes it's the ONLY way to get her to sleep. Also, find out how to double swaddle.
The first month ranges from purgatory to hell. My fiance didn't heal well during the first week, has full on post partum depression and managed to get food poisoning the third day after birth, so it was hell. I'm only now seeing a faint light at the end of the tunnel. The biggest thing I can stress is: do what you can to eliminate any romantic fantasy the mother-to-be may have. Having a newborn is 98% grueling, horrible work and 2% (if that) of warm happy fun time. A lot of women going into it think it's the other way around, and I think the shock of reality is a significant contributor to post partum depression.
Also, the first few weeks of breastfeeding can be very painful. Do not. DO NOT let her go for more than four hours without expressing some milk if she is breastfeeding. If you're going to leave the child with family and go out somewhere, you have to take a pump with you. My fiance went 7+ hours and rued it. I have never heard such painful screams and never want to again. Engorgement is not a joke. Despite all this, if you love your child you'll have the child breastfeed. Breastfed children have higher IQs than those who are not, they have better immune systems, are more resistant to infections, and if they do become ill, they will recover faster because the mother's immune system contributes. Unlike any formula, breastmilk is alive. It contains macrophages and such that provide active reinforcement of the immune system. Also, you'll be glad to find out that the waste children produce doesn't smell as bad on a breastmilk diet, and they tend to be less colicky. Breastfeeding also decreases the likelihood of breast cancer and helps heal the uterus.
You would also do well to look into natural childbirth options. My fiance had a water birth at home, and was very, very glad she did. At hospitals they will try to rush things, sometimes to the detriment of the mother and the baby, and they will drug and monitor things into oblivion, which makes initial adjustment for the infant much more difficult. Infants have a limited enough capacity without having to try to concentrate through painkillers and whatnot.
Edit: I also just remembered seeing something re: circumcision in here. If it's a boy, let them decide for themselves. It can be done at any time, don't make an irreversible decision to physically alter them without their input. If they don't agree later in life, it can be the source of a lot of resentment. It certainly was for me.
consider cloth diapers, if you can get over the gross factor it's supposed to be cheaper than regular diapers, looks more comfortable than regular diapers, and you won't be sending hundreds of platic diapers into a landfill.
prepare to have less personal/social time. learn to like your g/f's parents if you don't already.
Never mind other healthcare bills
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In seriousness, congrats. If you survive, remember to teach your kids to not be assholes.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
That is all.
(I don't know much about babies, haven't had any.)
It will be hard to hold back that male "Oh man I gotta fix this" urge,.
Word.
I don't have direct parenting experience but given that my little brother is twelve years younger than myself I do think I have a fairly good head start. And, as far as crying goes, babies get cranky when they're tired, and they cry. It's a natural reaction when you're a new parent to freak out when there is crying but you'll get over that soon. But, that advice above, the advice that works for so many different situations, is really true here. Sometimes there will be things that you can't fix: you can't physically make the kid fall asleep when he is tired. It's up to you, though, not to get angry about the crying and do what is best, as a parent's job essentially consists of doing just this, and putting him to bed.
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This is probably a seperate topic, but from what I understand, given that my parents own a daycare center, breastfeeding is about a zillion times better for the baby than formula. There's a place called the Le Leche League that can hook you up with info.
A word on crying: once they're past a few months old you can actually teach an infant a limited form of sign language, which makes sorting out what the hell they want a whole lot easier in the time before they learn to talk. You may be able to get some information on that at prenatal classes.
And yeah, don't go body-modding your infant. They're not toys.
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He did not mention if he had insurance
If he does not, then this is what he can be prepared to pay
If he has decent insurance then he may still have to pay a deductible which still may be sizable
Although I do think you had some very good and creative advice, this isn't exactly true. Breast milk contains, in addition to the necessary vitamins, minerals, proteins, fats, and carbohydrates, a number of hormones, enzymes, and antibodies that aren't contained in store bought formulas. However, if breast feeding doesn't work out, the mother should not be made to feel ashamed or inadequate in any way. Although a nurse or relative may be able to help, if it becomes a source of stress do what makes your life easiest, as you have enough going on without worrying about breastfeeding. The consensus from the American Academy of Pediatrics seems to be to do it for as long as you can, and then switch over to formula or baby food as needed.
Also, I'm glad you mentioned toxo. Although toxoplasmosis can be a very serious disease in infants, it's considered very safe for a woman to reside in a home with cats during pregnancy as long as a few simple precautions are maintained.
She should not scoop the litter box herself; another family member should take over this task. The box should be scooped frequently, because the oocysts are not infective until they have sporulated, which may take 1-5 days.
A cat will only shed oocysts for 1-2 weeks following infection. Cats acquire toxo from eating prey they have killed. Keeping your cat indoors will for the most part eliminate any risk of infection.
Another potential source of toxo is undercooked meat. Wash your hands when you're handling uncooked food, as normal, and cook all meat thoroughly.
With that said, best of luck to the two of you.
I might not have much experience in getting people up the duff but - and don't take offense in this - a month long relationship hardly seems like a good foundation.
Good luck all the same, I guess.