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Dealing with Death
Foxy_Roxy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
About a year ago, my six month old kitten died from FPV. We had no idea how sick he was, and put him down when we knew he was going to die, because we knew he was in a lot of pain. It was terrible for me. He was just a baby, and it didn't seem fair. I am a bit over emotional. But it was a death that didn't seem right to me.
About a month ago, my 18-year-old brother died. Me and him were hardly on speaking terms, because of the way he lived his life (a lot of drugs and alcohol). But We were very close when younger. It was, again, a death that was too soon. Just the week before my dad was telling me that we had plenty of time to reconcille, but we didn't. I was shaken, to say the least.
Today, my 1 year old cat was attacked by a dog an paralyzed. We had to put her down. I feel like I've broken. I'm not as sad as I should be. I'm just angry. I started swearing at the poor vet. I just don't see how this is... right.
How do you deal with grief?
About a month ago, my 18-year-old brother died. Me and him were hardly on speaking terms, because of the way he lived his life (a lot of drugs and alcohol). But We were very close when younger. It was, again, a death that was too soon. Just the week before my dad was telling me that we had plenty of time to reconcille, but we didn't. I was shaken, to say the least.
Today, my 1 year old cat was attacked by a dog an paralyzed. We had to put her down. I feel like I've broken. I'm not as sad as I should be. I'm just angry. I started swearing at the poor vet. I just don't see how this is... right.
How do you deal with grief?
Foxy_Roxy on
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Give yourself time and space to grieve. Try not to take out your emotions on other people in negative fashions, but do open up to and lean on the people you trust to support you. And don't beat yourself up for not feeling like you can cry or whatever right away.
"A good name is better than precious ointment, and the day of death, than the day of birth. It is better to go to the house mourning than to the house of feasting; for this is the end of everyone, and the living will lay it to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of countenance the heart is made glad. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth...Better is the end of a thing than its beginning; the patient in spirit are better than the proud in spirit. Do not be quick to anger, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools. Do not say, "Why were the former days better than these?" For it is not from wisdom that you ask this. Wisdom is as good an inheritance, an advantage to those who see the sun. For the protection of wisdom is like the protection of money, and the advantage of knowledge is that wisdom gives life to the one who possesses it...."
I lost my dog to cancer last summer, my dear friend's daughter and mother died a week later. both of my grandmothers died this past june on the same day. death is never fair. but it is also an event that cannot be dealt with in the literal sense. you can't stop it or reason with it or ask it to wait i deal with death by appreciating life. celebrate your brother's life. celebrate the life of your pets. celebrate your life. celebrate any life you can. deal with death by doing what you can to remind yourself you are alive. donate blood. volunteer. make your life resonate with those around you. feel alive. it is all you can do. it may not be the best advice but it is what i have.
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It doesn't seem right, and that's because it isn't. In the end, there isn't any cosmic scale or being who decides what's right and fair, and sometimes horrible things happen for no reason.
My kid brother (He was 18 as well) died in May due to a drug overdose and while we were great as kids, we fell apart as we got older and he got into drugs. I had actually begun hanging out with him and starting to get more involved in his life when he died. It really killed me.
I looked back on things and hated myself, hated others, hated him, for dying. Being angry is just one of the steps in the grief process. Anger will continue to eat you up until you can forgive yourself, him (and the kittens), and your family. Be ready though, at that point you're probably going to fall into the depression/sadness mode. While I can't site sources, the process in which we grieve comes in steps.
Your friends and family should be there for you, but remember, family will be grieving as well and may still be in the anger phase.
You just have to accept what has happened and don't let it run your life. It did that to me for a while and I hurt a lot of people I love, as well as making me feel horrible all the time. Don't expect to feel "better" anytime soon. It will continue to hurt for a long time.
You need to look to your friends for emotional support. They will be there for you.
First let me start off by saying, that you have a lot on your plate (grief wise). The best thing that you can do is to confront your emotions. My wife last year tried to have a baby. She became pregnant and everything was progressing normally until one night she had a lot of pain. We went to ER and they couldn't find anything wrong, but we still made an OBGYN appt anyway. The doctor tested the hormone count and determined that it was below normal, and scheduled her an ultrasound. They found what was wrong and the embryo was growing in her overy (sp?). The doctor said we have no choice but to abort, because the embryo was feeding off her liver enzymes. We then made the appointment and the method of abortion was chemo therapy shots (2). It was one of the roughest times in my life. Especially because I knew the embryo had a heartbeat.
Both my wife and I are the types to deal with our pain ourselves. Because of everything that happened she would start getting panic attacks and couldn't work. She had to go see a specialist which helped her deal with a lot of grief that she had been having and she also diagnosed her Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I took a different approach, I blocked it from thought at all times. The only thing I cared about was getting my wife healthy. So thats what I concentrated on constantly. It was my stepdad who sat me down and forced me to talk about what happened. It was one of the toughest conversations ever, I had to come face to face with what I was avoiding. But I realized how much pain I had on my shoulders because even though I refused to face it I still carried it with me.
Morale of the story: Facing the grief that ails you the most can be a cleansing experience. From what I read above one of the biggest regrets is not reconciling with your bro. I would visit his grave (if he was cremated then maybe a spot you two shared as kids) and tell him everything. Tell him how your feeling and how you hurt that hes gone and that you will always love him no matter what. No matter what your religious beliefs are, its the closest thing to closure that you can get.
I hope everything works out for you.
I talk to my brother all the time. He was cremated, so I just take a walk(When I feel up to it), pretend he's walking next to me and tell him what's going on in my life, how things are going, that I miss him, all those good things.
It may cause some tears at times, but you'll feel better afterward.
It helped me to think that my loved ones would not want me to sit at home and mourn forever; they would want me to go out and enjoy life.
Everyone deals with grief their own way, and there is no wrong way, whether its being angry or sad or whatever. It helps to focus on the positive. With my dad I try and think of the times we spent together camping or going to sporting events, it is sad to think about it, but it helps in that I remember the positive part he played in my life, and I am happy for that.
The best advice I can give is don't be like me. Don't try to be strong for other people and don't be afraid to talk about how you're feeling (or not feeling, if you feel that's a problem). Assuming you have other family, they're no doubt going through the same turmoil as you over the loss of your brother.
Also, theres no right way to grieve. People handle it in different ways. Don't feel like theres something wrong with you because you're not crying and screaming.
*my story*
well to top that off...three of my very very best friends had moved away at the end of my 8th grade year. and also a couple of friends that i was close to, but not terribly close to. that summer was a very depressing one. the beginning of high school....the very first day of high school my step dad rick passed away. the day before the first day of school he had to go on a trip to deliver a load of rocks and he wouldn't be back till noon the next day. we were supposed to call and wake him up that morning, but he wasn't answering his phone. this struck us as being very odd because he was a very light sleeper. we called and called but he never answered. mom took me and my brother to school. well later that day mom came up to the school and paged us to the office. when i heard them call me to the office i had this gut feeling that i knew exactally what it was for. i cried and cried and bawled and cringed and it hurt. it still hurts. growing up, we didn't get along so wonderful, but we became very very close. he had passed away from a heart attack and they told us that even if someone had gotten to him in time, there was nothing that could have been done.
that year was difficult, but still not yet the worst. my mom started dating another guy only 7 month's after rick had passed away. i HATED him!!! he's a nice guy, but it hadn't been long enough in my eyes....not by far. well one night she had gotten drunk and wanted to go and surprise visit her boyfriend. me and my brother tried to stop her, but she wanted to leave. i had a horrible feeling about her leaving. i was scared. the next morning she was supposed to come home around 4:30am because that's when he left for work. me and my brother had stayed up all night because we couldn't sleep. we were worried about her. that morning was the first day of school of my junior year. she never came home. it was 5am and she still hadn't come home. we called her cell phone. we called his cell phone. he told us that he never saw her last night. we got scared. we thought that maybe she had to gone to see rick's grave since it was the anniversary of his death. so, we called one of our friends for a ride. i stayed home in case she came home and my brother went looking for our mom.
while he was out looking for her, a police officer showed. he had my mom's purse in his hand and was asking me if the picture on the driver's license was of my mom. i hit the floor. i screamed. i hurt. my mom had been in a car wreck from drinking and driving. she had flipped her car and rolled it twice. she flew out the windshield and landed in a pile of ants and had laid there for 7 hours until a man saw the wreck on his way to work. they care flighted her to a hospital. she broke 2 ribs and fractured both of her hip bones. she punctured her spleen and bruised her lung. she laid in the ICU hospital bed in a coma for 21/2 months. when she finally woke up, she wasn't the same. she will never be the same. her voice isn't her voice, her body isn't her body. she can hardly walk...only enough to get in and out of the car, but she always has to have help. she cant really do anything on her own. she has no use of her left hand....she cant even open it. so, i lost alot of my mom that night. i partially feel like it is my fault, but i know it's not. i partially feel like if i had done more to stop her, i would still have my mom. she is still my mom,...but not really. i understand loss. i do. more than i should know. it's not easy. mostly because my goodbye's were never said.
i still wonder about how differently my life would have turned out if i still had my step dad and if my mom wasn't handicapped. the past can not be changed, but you learn alot from the experiences that you have to go through. you learn to appreciate every single person more than you ever could have before. trust me....death is no where near easy....and time DOES help, but it doesn't completely heal. you will always come across little things that will force you to remember. sometime you will cry...but you will always cherish what those little things meant to you before.
As people have said, allow yourself to grieve. Feel sad over those who you have lost. They are important. They will never be forgotten.
As much as it hurts now, know that in time you'll smile when you think of them. It may be a smile tinged with tears, but eventually the thought of what you had will bring you joy.
But we will miss them always.