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Asking a classmate out(She had a Fiance! :( )
Kyougu
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So new semester at University means new classes, and new people as usual. This semester is a bit different for me though, since i come into it with brand new confidence and an improved look due to some massive weight loss. One of my goals this semester was to actually break out of my shell, and get to know some people in my classes. And it looks like I may be accomplishing that.
I have this girl in two of my classes. First week of class she recognizes me from our earlier class, we talk a bit, usual stuff. Since then, we made it a habit to sit next to each other, and talk before and after class, or walk together till we have to sepaparate. It really seems like we're getting along really good, and she just seems like a cool girl. So I want to ask her out. There's some hitches:
1) I have no idea if she has a boyfriend. She's just mentioned an ex, but that's it. How could I found out without appearing nosey?
2) I'm not sure if maybe I should wait till we known each other longer?
3) I don't want things to be weird if she says no.
So any tips?
I have this girl in two of my classes. First week of class she recognizes me from our earlier class, we talk a bit, usual stuff. Since then, we made it a habit to sit next to each other, and talk before and after class, or walk together till we have to sepaparate. It really seems like we're getting along really good, and she just seems like a cool girl. So I want to ask her out. There's some hitches:
1) I have no idea if she has a boyfriend. She's just mentioned an ex, but that's it. How could I found out without appearing nosey?
2) I'm not sure if maybe I should wait till we known each other longer?
3) I don't want things to be weird if she says no.
So any tips?
Kyougu on
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Ask her out now, worst case she says no in a way that you know not to ask again, or she says she's already seeing someone. Boom, problem solved.
Or she could say yes, or simply not right now, which leaves the door open to try again later to see if she brushes you off again or is more receptive.
1) this will be found out if you ask her out. If she hasn't mentioned anything then probably not, or if she has one then it's not your fault and she can't reasonably expect you to just assume she does.
2) Nope. Strike while the iron's hot, basically.
The way I see it, you can either establish your romantic intentions early on and see where she stands with it, or slowly and subtly try and shift her perception of you from "hey he is really cool" to "Hey he is really cool and I want to have ravenous makeouts with him". I always prefer the first option because I like the whole quickness of finding out if it's fruitful or not, and also I think it's actually more honest and honorable to just get it out there and go with it instead of quietly hiding your true feelings when they think you just like hanging out with them because they're cool.
3) They won't be. There's always a big ol' fear that she will always remember you as the guy who asked her out. Well, if she starts getting all long-term weird because of it, she's ridiculous and not someone I would hang out with. But 99% of the time it's just "hey well he's cool and now he knows that I won't date him so he will stop focusing on me". Of course, if you continue to pursue her after she flat out tells you "no I will not go on a date with you", then things get weird. But that's understandable.
The longer you wait, the weirder it could get. You're not all BFF (best friends forever!) at this point, so your window for the least amount for awkwardness is wide open. Go for it.
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
:^:
What he said.
Classic.
And on an aside to Kyougu, I remember you posting about your weight loss and getting the confidence up. This is an awesome H/A thread you had to make, as it shows your progress and how great you're doing. Seriously, no matter what the outcome of things with this girl, you're better for it and deserve mad props.
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
Just ask her out, point blank. the worst she can say is no. From the sound of things she is expressing interest.
Thanks man. Seriously, my weight loss easily ranks up as the number 1 thing I have ever done about my life. The difference between now, and then is incredible. I really never felt this good.
Back to the topic at hand, since it's pretty much agreed, I'm going to ask her out next time I see her, which sadly won't be till Tues, since that's when we have class together again.
Also, today she had to leave class early, and I told her not to worry, that I would let her know if she missed anything. She responds with "Oh, I haven't given you my number yet huh?" and so she gave me her number. Good sign?
That's a pretty obvious hint right there, IMO.
Edit: In fact, IMO, you shouldn't be waiting until Tuesday. If she didn't want you to call her you wouldn't have her number.
Be more casual. Like "hey do you want to meet up later and do X?" or "Hey I'm doing X later, you wanna meet up?" or "me and some friends are doing X you wanna come?"
Then put on the moves.
B.net: Kusanku
And you know, it really wasn't that painful.
And I haven't been on a date in two years and haven't asked someone out in one. So if I could do it, so can you.
[barry_white]Oooh yeaaah![/barry_white]
Yeah, she definitely seems to be welcoming/encouraging your attention. The fact that she gave you her number isn't exactly a carte blanche, though, because you offered to do her a favor that will require you to contact her at some later date, preferably before next class, and she just gave you her contact info to make it easier for you. However, it does mean that she doesn't mind you calling her, so I would just go ahead and call her and invite her to some activity, instead of waiting till class next week. The weekend has just arrived, seize the opportunity!
As for things getting weird, a lot of it is up to how you handle the situation. If some guy asked me out, and I turned him down for whatever reason, I'd probably feel a little bad about it and worry that I'd hurt his feelings. So if he acted hurt, then I'd be very awkward around him; but if he just took it in stride and continued acting casual, the awkwardness would quickly go away. So yeah, to minimize things getting weird, make a subtle approach, and a graceful exit.
She's mentioned liking museaums, and I know there's a Body in Motion exhibit in town, so I'm thinking of asking her to that.
After going to activity X and enjoying it with her, arrange to go on an actual date. If things are clearly going great do it then, if you are unsure then do it over the phone later.
If you actually see her before you can call her then ask her out to dinner, going straight to the actual informal date level.
Though before I go on, I have to mention that up till a couple of months ago I had 0 confidence. Hell the thought of being atractive to the opposite sex was insane. So my actions sort of reflect that.
Like I posted earlier, I couldn't call her this weekend for various reason, and today was the first time I had her in class. We talked, for a while, realizing that we had something in common: We both really like going to Hookah bars.
We're released early, and I'm walking out of the class with her. She still has one more class to go, but I can go home. She asks me if I'm heading home, and I say yeah. But the way she asked me..it almost sounded to me like she was waiting for me to say no, or volunteer to get something to eat while her next class starts. Of course, that doesn't dawn on me till we have already separated, and I swear I just wanted to kick my own ass.
On the upside, before that stupid mistake, we had been talking, and I mentioned having to go to the a hookah bar together soon, and she really seemed happy to hear that. I even mentioned that she didn't have my number yet, and she said no problem, I just had to call her one of these days.
So yeah..I'm pretty sure she's sending out hints. My next move is to call her tommorow for cofee and studying (We have a test on thurs) and asking her out for an actual date if things go good for the weekend.
who she has been with for four years.
And is just moving into a house they got this weekend.
So yeah..no chance for me there.
It really sucks too, since I"m more crushed by this than I know I should be. It's not like I got rejected or anything, it's just really crappy timing, and nothing to do with me as a person. That's what my brain tells me.
But I still feel incredibly down. This was the first girl in a LONG time that I actually thought was interested in me, that I actually had a shot with. I know I should be proud of how much I improved myself already, but it was like this was validation. And now, the confidence I felt these couple of days just vanished. It almost feels like god/fate/luck/etc just wants me to be alone, and I hate feeling like this.
Happens to everyone, signals are misread and what looks like a sure thing is not. Nothing much you can do but try again. Or turn gay.
Also, it could have been worse, right? She could have totally shut you down cold and been a bitch about it. Don't take this too hard. Get back on the proverbial horse.
On a sidenote: She really should have told you about her fiance earlier. I'm married and I try to bring my wife in conversation as much as possible.
And when you are single and looking, you should at any one time have your eye on several different girls, because in the event that one of them just doesn't turn out great, you can easily just scratch her off your list and go for the next one.
A parable:
Once there was a man who had his eye on a woman who he longed to make his wife.
For a long time he spoke gently to her and comforted her in times of need.
One day he finally decided "I will marry her at last!" And he bought wedding rings.
But when he went to approach her, she spoke first to say "Oh I have wonderful news! Me and my husband are leaving to the kingdom of Rajha as a 15th year anniversary gift of our marriage!"
The clinger was crushed, and ran away overflowing with tears.
That winter, he starved and froze to death because he had no wife.
And soon after, the flames of hell kept him ablaze for all eternity.
You're at university, thats like the best place ever to meet chicks.
she was into you but has the fiancee thing. I think if she was sans attachment, there is a good chance you two would have hit it off and dated. People who are involved don't necessarily shut off when it comes to meeting new people and finding others they connect with, they just know where to draw the line because they have made a committment to a person they love.
On her part, I'm sure she wasn't trying to be deceitful. Not everybody broadcasts their relationship status, especially to people they talk to casually in class. I'm not saying that you should invest anything more than you want in this, but she probably just enjoys the friendship and if you do too, don't blow her off completely just because she happens to be taken. At least it's somebody to chat and pass class time with right?
Don't let it ruin your confidence man, plenty of time left and all. It sounds like you are doing fantastic! And connections are a good thing, they bring about more connections so just enjoy the ride!
And the chick is really cool, and we definately seem to connect as friends, so I have that's certainly an upside.
Take a few weeks ago for example: I met a girl in my drawing I/II class who I thought was pretty attractive, so I get to talking to her about basic shit and stuff. Couple of days later I find out that she not only has a boyfriend, but a kid to boot (and you know how awkward THAT would have been). Normally this would throw some college kids off but since I work in an area where a lot of young people have tykes of their own it really wasn't a big deal to me. We're pretty good friends now.
So yeah, next time you go scouting around you can try this out. Best of luck to ya.
So yeah, fuck her. (unfortunately not literally)
The way she acted was a pretty obvious way of showing friendship, just because she is of the opposite sex and is being friendly it doesn't mean she wants to fuck you.
No kidding. That sentence should probably be in flashing neon at the top of the forum index. It'd save a lot of wear and tear on keyboards.