As was foretold, we've added advertisements to the forums! If you have questions, or if you encounter any bugs, please visit this thread: https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/240191/forum-advertisement-faq-and-reports-thread/

Rebuilding self-esteem [Boy thread]

NatanekoNataneko Registered User regular
edited September 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
yeah... not really a boy thread but I had to balance for all the [girl thread] around.

So after a relationship of 2 years, I finally decided to left my boyfriend because he made me feel like I was asking for too much when in fact he just didn't really want to be in a relationship. I'm taking it pretty well, I only had a couple day of self-loathing and crying.

but. right now, I know my self-esteem is pretty much dead. I know I really have to work on that if I want a relationship again at some point in my life. and really more important, I'd really like to love myself, because that is giving me trouble in pretty much every aspect of my life. So, H/A how do I self-esteem?

Nataneko on

Posts

  • FirstComradeStalinFirstComradeStalin Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    It's pretty much the same process that a guy would have after breaking up with his girlfriend. Go out with some friends, meet people, be active, do something with yourself.

    FirstComradeStalin on
    Picture1-4.png
  • LewishamLewisham Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Was the self-esteem there before you split up?

    Lewisham on
  • NatanekoNataneko Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    not really. in fact my main source of esteem was pretty much my boyfriend, and before that, my other boyfriend. and before that.... see a pattern there?

    It's not really about getting over him (cause I am) but only managing to be able to feel like I'm great without relying on someone

    Nataneko on
  • brandotheninjamasterbrandotheninjamaster Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Sounds to me like depression, which is certainly normal after ending a serious relationship. That is unless your cutting yourself with razor blades in the dark. Thats not normal...comedy aside, surround yourself with things that you love to do. Things that will keep your mind off the hurt. Especially stuff that you are good at. And don't gimmie none of that "I'm not good at anything stuff" everyone has a talent, something that they are good at. I don't really know how tough you have but, if it is that bad take baby steps start small. It also helps to have a supportive group of friends that you can confide to (like the H/A forums :^:).

    brandotheninjamaster on
  • FirstComradeStalinFirstComradeStalin Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Also, build up whatever else it is that gives you that little extra self-esteem. Maybe some volunteer work, if you like helping others, or something similar. The key here is to stay active. Nothing makes you feel more depressed than being useless.

    FirstComradeStalin on
    Picture1-4.png
  • brandotheninjamasterbrandotheninjamaster Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Nataneko wrote: »
    not really. in fact my main source of esteem was pretty much my boyfriend, and before that, my other boyfriend. and before that.... see a pattern there?

    It's not really about getting over him (cause I am) but only managing to be able to feel like I'm great without relying on someone

    You can take some good out of this break up. You were using your bf a self esteem crutch, if this had gone on longer you would probley be in worse shape. Now you can learn to stand on your own 2 feet and develop your own self worth which will be a lesson you can take with you for the rest of your life.

    brandotheninjamaster on
  • NatanekoNataneko Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Nataneko wrote: »
    not really. in fact my main source of esteem was pretty much my boyfriend, and before that, my other boyfriend. and before that.... see a pattern there?

    It's not really about getting over him (cause I am) but only managing to be able to feel like I'm great without relying on someone

    You can take some good out of this break up. You were using your bf a self esteem crutch, if this had gone on longer you would probley be in worse shape. Now you can learn to stand on your own 2 feet and develop your own self worth which will be a lesson you can take with you for the rest of your life.

    Yeah, it seem obvious the way you said it. That is exactly what I want to be able to do. I'm trying to see my friend, I have a lots of interest so that's keeping me out of depression for now. But as soon as there is someone that seems interested in me, I just fall back to making that person responsible of my esteem.

    Nataneko on
  • METAzraeLMETAzraeL Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Stop comparing yourself and judging others. You are who you are, they are who they are, and there's nothing you can fucking do about it than have some fun. Let your mind be quiet and live in the moment, live as yourself.

    METAzraeL on

    dream a little dream or you could live a little dream
    sleep forever if you wish to be a dreamer
  • brandotheninjamasterbrandotheninjamaster Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    I am a little sketchy on how you get self esteem from others. Is it that you feel safe around said people and that you feel that you can truly be yourself? or, Is it that when your with someone (be it friend or relationship) you want them to compliment you, give you the proverbial warm fuzzy feeling?

    If its the first my advice is this: Put yourself in a mildly awkward situation, like talking to one of the workers at the local video game store. Incite conversation, staying in your comfort zone all the time will do nothing but hinder you as person.

    If its the second then I say this: You can't hang around someone fishing for compliments and regurgitating them to make yourself feel better. Find out what you are good at and try doing a task revolving around it. For example, If you are good at running train for/compete in a triathlon, If you are good at writing, write a short story. After you are finished look at your work and most likely you will feel proud. I think that is a way more constructive means to build self esteem as opposed to depending on other people.

    If neither of these apply, then the aforementioned tid bids are still good advice imo.

    brandotheninjamaster on
  • The CatThe Cat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited September 2007
    Nataneko wrote: »
    not really. in fact my main source of esteem was pretty much my boyfriend, and before that, my other boyfriend. and before that.... see a pattern there?

    It's not really about getting over him (cause I am) but only managing to be able to feel like I'm great without relying on someone

    Its a fine goal to have. I've kind of been plugging this thing to death in H/A, but I found MoodGYM really helpful, in that it got me spotting bad patterns in the way I responded to situations emotionally, which gave me the ability to counter what I was doing to myself. Its still a fight not to self-sabotage, but I handle things better than I used to. Maybe it will give you a boost too?

    The Cat on
    tmsig.jpg
  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    It might be helpful for you to stay deliberately single for awhile, since you said you have a habit of relying on people you're dating to validate you. When my first serious boyfriend and I broke up, as sad as I was, I started to think of it as a huge opportunity; instead of being what he wanted in a girlfriend, I could be what I wanted as a person. This involved changes, sometimes uncomfortable changes, but I like who I am a lot better now.

    It might help to do this as a list? Maybe I just like lists. For example:
    Things I like about myself now:
    blah blah blah
    Things I would like to be in the future:
    (for example) More confident in talking to people.
    Things I can do to achieve this:
    (also for example) Start a casual conversation with 1 new person every day.

    The best self-esteem comes from genuinely liking yourself, even if it's a lot of work.

    Trowizilla on
  • GihgehlsGihgehls Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    The fact that you had the forsight to end it yourself speaks loads in favor of your self-esteem. I just wanted to point that out.

    Gihgehls on
    PA-gihgehls-sig.jpg
  • NatanekoNataneko Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Thanks for all the comment, I'll try to do the baby step thing. and continue doing things I love. Thanks for the website The Cat, I'll go look at it, being able to spot where my mind goes wrong could certainly help me.

    Nataneko on
  • NatanekoNataneko Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    I went out yesterday (yay first night out since teh break up) with some friend (guy in majority) and wow did it feel good not having to wonder if they were okay, if there was something I could do to make them feel better, etc etc. I need to be single. I don't know for how long, but I think that would be a lot easier. Anyone have tips for not caring about what other people might or not think about me?

    Nataneko on
  • brandotheninjamasterbrandotheninjamaster Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    The best advice that I can give you is this. You are your own worst critic. When your are out with your friends odds are that your are judging yourself 100,000 times more than they are. Just bear that in mind. If your friends didn't like you they wouldn't hang out with to begin with.

    brandotheninjamaster on
  • Bionic MonkeyBionic Monkey Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited September 2007
    Nataneko wrote: »
    not really. in fact my main source of esteem was pretty much my boyfriend, and before that, my other boyfriend. and before that.... see a pattern there?

    It's not really about getting over him (cause I am) but only managing to be able to feel like I'm great without relying on someone

    My suggestion then? Stop worrying about your next relationship. That will happen with the fullness of time, as they always do. Go out with your friends. Spend time on your hobbies. Pick up new hobbies. Take this time as a single person to do something you never allowed yourself while you were in a relationship. When I went through this, I took an acting class; something that terrified me and intrigued me in equal measure, and I came out the other side a completely new person with a new perspective on myself.

    Good luck.

    Bionic Monkey on
    sig_megas_armed.jpg
  • Bionic MonkeyBionic Monkey Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited September 2007
    Nataneko wrote: »
    I went out yesterday (yay first night out since teh break up) with some friend (guy in majority) and wow did it feel good not having to wonder if they were okay, if there was something I could do to make them feel better, etc etc. I need to be single. I don't know for how long, but I think that would be a lot easier.

    General rule for me was be single until you enjoy it more than being in a relationship. That's usually a good indicator that you're happy with yourself and you don't need someone else to feel important or special.

    Bionic Monkey on
    sig_megas_armed.jpg
  • IconoclysmIconoclysm Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    The best advice that I can give you is this. You are your own worst critic. When your are out with your friends odds are that your are judging yourself 100,000 times more than they are. Just bear that in mind. If your friends didn't like you they wouldn't hang out with to begin with.

    QFT

    And, bear in mind, that's your FRIENDS he's talking about.
    Strangers likely wont be thinking about you at all.
    At most, other people will be wondering what the others in the room think of them. We're a pretty self obsessed bunch of apes in general.

    Iconoclysm on
    t=54717
  • NatanekoNataneko Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    I'm trying to remember that, they are actually my friend and don't overanalyse everything like I do pretty much all the time. I'm working on that aspect for now.

    Right now I'm trying to convince myself that I don't need to be with someone. Problem is I met this guy (a bit before leaving my boyfriend) and I really like him and would basically like to get in his pants. And I'm trying to rationalise thing, that I don't like him, that I just think that because he pays attention to me. But then, I met new people since then that also paid attention to me and I don't feel like I like them in that way. I need to learn basic relationship (friendship included) from the start.

    Nataneko on
  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    It sounds like you're rebounding. On one hand, this is good! You're moving on with your life after the break-up. On the other hand, since you have a tendency to depend on relationships for self-esteem, it's probably a bad idea to get into something new until you've worked through that. Have a great time flirting, but if the guy does ask you out, let him know that you just broke up with your last boyfriend and you need some "me time." If he's at all decent, he'll understand, and if it's meant to be, you can date him after you've spent a good amount of time single and learned to be happy with yourself. If it's not meant to be, he'll start dating someone else and you can shrug and move on.

    Trowizilla on
Sign In or Register to comment.