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Ferrus
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm in an awkward position right now. There are many underlying aspects to my actions but I'll try to keep it short.
There is this girl I've been friends* with. She's in my french class. Now, french class takes place outside of school and because I'm the only one with a car at the moment, I used to take her, her (female) friend and some other dudes with me. Of course it's not impossible to get to french class by bus but it's generally quite inconvenient.
This lasted for some weeks. Somehow I guess she came to think of me driving her around as obligatory. At least thats how it seems to me, she didn't thank me anymore, she ignored me most of the time when we met up to go to my car, she didn't talk to me even though she claimed to be my friend*.
I on the other hand felt exploited and I guess rightfully so. I told her this but she didn't seem to understand what she was doing wrong. But at least I got to talk to her for more than a few sentences.
But thats only one aspect.
The other one... Well, she IS a nice girl and she DOES look good. You see where this is going?
While we talked, I told her that I'm not sure if a friendship could really work because of the reasons above.
By that time I already noticed that I had, well... Feelings towards her. Nothing special, but I caught myself looking at her more than usual and so on. Now, I don't want to develop feelings towards someone who isn't interested in me. I told her that, too. (Bad move, I know). In a fit of arrogance and egotism I offered her a choice: Meet me, on a neutral emotional (This means no "Date" atmosphere. Just going to the cinema or theatre together. Honestly.) basis to see if this leads somewhere or no friendship at all (and thus no driving around either). This of course was very very stupid of me.
I didn't formulate it like this but in a nutshell that's was I wanted to say.
We did agree to talk about the whole thing some more but of course we didn't. She still ignored me during school and so on. Then I read some comments on her MySpace from some idiot hick who wanted to meet her at the local club (read: Cesspool). God, his MySpace even stated here's there for dating.
She agreed to meet HIM. Of course she's "only friends" with him. At that point I thought to myself "Ok, shes obviously really naive if she thinks this jerks doesn't want to bang her. If she meets with people like him, she must be no better than them."
The next day I told her to shove it, no friendship, no nothing from me anymore. She tried to argue but I didn't want to cave in again so I just turned around. That's that.
But now? I'm feeling bad. I know what I did was really stupid but her behavior wasn't the best either. It really hurt reading those comments and her behavior towards me did too. I feel horrible for being so rude and arrogant towards her but somehow I have the feeling she simply lied to me so I would keep on driving her.
I'm afraid this has become a horrible mess and I'm not sure if this can be sorted out ever again.
On the one hand I guess I have to stay strong this time and not do anything about it because she exploited me. If I tried to apologize, I'd look weak. On the other hand, I feel bad for hurting her and treating her unfairly. I don't feel like myself doing such things to somone else, especially not a girl. If possible, I want to be friends with her, but actual friends and not just acquaintances.
The whole thing has been on my mind for days...
Oh and please, don't bash me around for being an arrogant prick, I know what I did was wrong otherwise I wouldn't be feeling bad about it, would I? Telling me I'm an asshole won't help me. So just please don't.
*Her concept of friendship seems to differ greatly from mine. If you talk to me for maybe 10 minutes a week, you're not my friend, you're an acquaintance. If you never seem to want to do something together, for the sake of getting to know each other, you're dubious.
There is this girl I've been friends* with. She's in my french class. Now, french class takes place outside of school and because I'm the only one with a car at the moment, I used to take her, her (female) friend and some other dudes with me. Of course it's not impossible to get to french class by bus but it's generally quite inconvenient.
This lasted for some weeks. Somehow I guess she came to think of me driving her around as obligatory. At least thats how it seems to me, she didn't thank me anymore, she ignored me most of the time when we met up to go to my car, she didn't talk to me even though she claimed to be my friend*.
I on the other hand felt exploited and I guess rightfully so. I told her this but she didn't seem to understand what she was doing wrong. But at least I got to talk to her for more than a few sentences.
But thats only one aspect.
The other one... Well, she IS a nice girl and she DOES look good. You see where this is going?
While we talked, I told her that I'm not sure if a friendship could really work because of the reasons above.
By that time I already noticed that I had, well... Feelings towards her. Nothing special, but I caught myself looking at her more than usual and so on. Now, I don't want to develop feelings towards someone who isn't interested in me. I told her that, too. (Bad move, I know). In a fit of arrogance and egotism I offered her a choice: Meet me, on a neutral emotional (This means no "Date" atmosphere. Just going to the cinema or theatre together. Honestly.) basis to see if this leads somewhere or no friendship at all (and thus no driving around either). This of course was very very stupid of me.
I didn't formulate it like this but in a nutshell that's was I wanted to say.
We did agree to talk about the whole thing some more but of course we didn't. She still ignored me during school and so on. Then I read some comments on her MySpace from some idiot hick who wanted to meet her at the local club (read: Cesspool). God, his MySpace even stated here's there for dating.
She agreed to meet HIM. Of course she's "only friends" with him. At that point I thought to myself "Ok, shes obviously really naive if she thinks this jerks doesn't want to bang her. If she meets with people like him, she must be no better than them."
The next day I told her to shove it, no friendship, no nothing from me anymore. She tried to argue but I didn't want to cave in again so I just turned around. That's that.
But now? I'm feeling bad. I know what I did was really stupid but her behavior wasn't the best either. It really hurt reading those comments and her behavior towards me did too. I feel horrible for being so rude and arrogant towards her but somehow I have the feeling she simply lied to me so I would keep on driving her.
I'm afraid this has become a horrible mess and I'm not sure if this can be sorted out ever again.
On the one hand I guess I have to stay strong this time and not do anything about it because she exploited me. If I tried to apologize, I'd look weak. On the other hand, I feel bad for hurting her and treating her unfairly. I don't feel like myself doing such things to somone else, especially not a girl. If possible, I want to be friends with her, but actual friends and not just acquaintances.
The whole thing has been on my mind for days...
Oh and please, don't bash me around for being an arrogant prick, I know what I did was wrong otherwise I wouldn't be feeling bad about it, would I? Telling me I'm an asshole won't help me. So just please don't.
*Her concept of friendship seems to differ greatly from mine. If you talk to me for maybe 10 minutes a week, you're not my friend, you're an acquaintance. If you never seem to want to do something together, for the sake of getting to know each other, you're dubious.
I would like to pause for a moment, to talk about my penis.
My penis is like a toddler. A toddler—who is a perfectly normal size for his age—on a long road trip to what he thinks is Disney World. My penis is excited because he hasn’t been to Disney World in a long, long time, but remembers a time when he used to go every day. So now the penis toddler is constantly fidgeting, whining “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? How about now? Now? How about... now?”
And Disney World is nowhere in sight.
And Disney World is nowhere in sight.
Ferrus on
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CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
But then again I told her I felt exploited, in a nice way even.
She also seemed sad when I "dumped" her.
I acted impulsive and against my personality, I guess that's what subconsciously pains me the most.
I'm not one to hurt people knowingly. I hurt them often enough out of sheer stupidity. Like in this case.
And Disney World is nowhere in sight.
So if she hurts people without knowing it, how much fun is she going to be around? I used to have a friend like this, and she was the life of the party, fun to be around, but basically did whatever she wanted, and used a ton of people. A few of her friends, myself included, had enough self-respect to notice it, and left when we realized what a douche she was. Now, did she do it on purpose? Probably not, but she still treated people like shit. There were plenty of other people enthralled by her, and loved being around her, and continued to put up with it. Not saying your situation is exactly the same, but you should decide if her shit is something you want to put up with. Driving her ass to class, giving her googly eyes, and getting rejected while she does nothing for you. Sounds really one-sided.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Is there any way I could apologize and tell her I feel sorry for what I did without sounding like a weak-willed spineless whimp?
And Disney World is nowhere in sight.
It's not even a big deal, it's just far easier and more sane to chalk it up to "whoops" and stop thinking about it.
Too bad, she was the only girl around my school who's remotely interesting.
Thanks guys.
And Disney World is nowhere in sight.
This is about forgiveness. Could I forgive her her ignorant behavior? Certainly, if she is willing to change it somehow.
Offering her my forgiveness also wouldn't let me look like a whimp, would it?
If she still refuses, well, c'est la vie. Otherwise there is perhaps a way around all this shit.
Any thoughts on that?
And Disney World is nowhere in sight.
You're trying too hard. I've been there. The correct answer to all of those questions that just won't leave your head about her is still, always "Nope".
Give it a couple weeks, you'll have calmed about her significantly. She's not the only interesting thing in the world.
I won't be seeing her for two weeks anyway.
And Disney World is nowhere in sight.
I'd move on and find some other interesting people. Are you in high school? Otherwise, I can't understand how she'd be the only interesting girl at your school. That would also explain why you're so hung up on this girl you barely know.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
And honestly, try to curb some of that judgmental attitude. Just because some guy posted some comments on her MySpace doesn't make him an "idiot hick", and just because she agreed to meet him at a local club (which probably isn't a "cesspool") doesn't make her "no better than him". And what if he wants to bang her? Like, so what? It just sounds to me like you're jealous because nothing romantic developed out of your friendship, and now that she is interested in someone else, you got bitter and acted rudely.
It's true that she isn't exactly polite either for not thanking you for the rides, but you're way over the line here in terms of being judgmental.
I see nothing morally wrong with what you did. AT ALL. She was being incredibly bitchy towards you by taking advantage of your kindness and not even expressing gratitude. No, you giving her rides to class doesn't mean she has to date you, but it does mean that she has to fucking respect you as a human being, which she obviously has trouble doing.
Is it? I thought this was about you deciding that you wouldn't be a doormat for some dumb chick who is all flash and no heart.
Good for you, but she's not going to change. It's possible that losing your esteem and "friendship" might wake her up, but she herself has said that other people have told her that she hurt them, but she hasn't changed yet -- what makes you think you're so special?
I'm going to go with yes, but that's not important. What's important is that, by putting up with her shit, you're enabling her social problems.
Forget about her and find a girl that isn't so self-centered that she apparently is completely oblivious to other people's emotions and needs. Trust me, imagine how awful a relationship would be with a person who doesn't notice or give a flying fuck what you want. That's not one I would want to be in. Consider yourself lucky that you realized she had problems before you got really emotionally attached to her.
Having said that, I do have to ask you to clarify the exact exchanges that went on between you. It seems a little convoluted from your OP, but I get the feeling that you brought up a romantic relationship with her an awful lot, even after she told you she wasn't interested. Even though that doesn't excuse her behavior, you should realize that you were most likely pressing the issue to hard. I wouldn't have demanded that she go on a non-date with me to see if we could have a romantic relationship, but I would have asked her to treat me with the respect amd consideration due to a fellow human being, and a friend that has been generous with favors.
i have no idea why
but in the movie she ignores him and dates other guys behind his back expecting him to stay out of her private life and he lashes out
on that note, it worked out for them
but that is a movie
give this one up
Yes, I am. It's awful as these things tend to be. It's also a quite rural region so the supply of interesting, intelligent people is limited.
Yes I did bring up the whole romance thing too much and I feel dumb for it.
She told me she chased after some guy for 4 years (She's 17, so she fell in love when she was 13? Err.. O_o )
and had built up a "wall" inside of her since then. I genuinely wanted to help her with that (Rebuilding trust towards the other gender and such) and told her so but she was uncertain about it.
Of course I hoped she'd show gratitude for my, as I see it, noble behavior. That's only natural, is it?
I KNOW I can't force her to go out with me or even date me. I don't want to force her either but I guess it would be a nice compensation if she did go out with me.
I was hurt after reading her MySpace because she told me she hated that particular club (And it IS a goddamn cesspool. I've been there, I know what kind of people go there.) and that she isn't "ready for another relationship". So she basically did the opposite of what she told me. How could I not be pissed?
Maybe I just wasn't clear enough on this. I don't know.
But, again, you people are propably totally right. I don't even know how I could feel bad for cutting her off, the more I think about it the more I notice just how ignorant she was towards me.
And Disney World is nowhere in sight.
I want everyone to notice something here
ege02 actually just gave really good advice in a relationship thread.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Listen, you are still young, you have a whole life of screw ups and personal victories to gain. I hate to use a cliche (sp?) term but, theres other fish in the sea. Don't regret the decision you made to blow up at this person. If she wasn't doing anything wrong to begin with then she wouldn't have pissed you off causing the blow up, right? You made your decision so stick with it. I think that your biggest problem is that you don't have anger to help you keep your convictions, I know this because I have been in many similar situations like this, I lose my anger and my nerve almost at the same time. You had the courage to stand up for yourself right? Now you must have the courage to stand by your decisions, without anger as your crutch.
https://medium.com/@alascii
O_o
Who are you talking about? If its about the OP then that is neither help or advice so it doesn't belong here. If its about me then, you found a nerd on a video game forum...good work.
OP.
To rephrase as advice:
Basically there is nothing here. some people who are or aren't your friends are somewhat ungrateful. A girl doesn't like you. Commence mind melting emothon!
https://medium.com/@alascii
What's wrong:
A) You stalked this chick on myspace. Creepy. *smacks with rolled-up newspaper* Bad. Stop that.
C)I actually laughed when you said the girl was "interesting." She's a callous bitch who lies to you so she can continue taking advantage of a service you provide. I've met some interesting girls too, and the word has become synonymous with "someone I want to bang." There's nothing wrong with that. Just understand what you really want and stop trying to put up a fake front like you're this great, noble guy.
D) You told this girl that you wanted to meet her on a "neutral" emotional level? *smacks with rolled-up newspaper* Bad. Stop that. Girls, Chicks, Women, whatever you want to call them, LOVE attention, especially the positive kind. You should have been straight up with her from the start, and asked her to a NON-NEUTRAL setting. Even if you don't know her, you could say this: "We don't know each other that well, but I think you look great and seem pretty interesting. I want to get to know you and I think you should let me take you out to dinner sometime." This is after a week or two of being a nice guy and being cool about giving her a ride. This shows you have enough confidence to actually tell this girl you're attracted to her and that you have the confidence to tell this girl you think you're awesome enough to get her to like you if you had a chance. Well, you think that enough to spend money on her, anyway. This both complements her and shows her that you're an up-front guy.
Seriously. If you ask a girl to a non-neutral setting...something's up. What does that mean? I like you but not that much so lets go out not liking each other at the start? All kinds of weird messages come from that. It might mean you have a chloroform rag waiting for her or something.
What to do?
Don't apologize. Don't do anything for like a week, act like nothing happened. Then tell this girl that you'd be cool with taking her to class again, and that it's not that big of a hassle. She might decline because you were a creepy douche, but she might take you up and you'll have a chance to get some more face time with her.
This thread is closeable, I made up my mind anyway and I feel there won't be any usefull posts anymore. Thanks anway.
And Disney World is nowhere in sight.