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How to Tell if Someone is a Keeper

SoonerManSoonerMan Registered User regular
edited September 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
The problem lies in the fact we're broken up and keep arguing, but we both want this to work. I'm in college, she's still in high school two hours away. When we do see each other it just feels right to go back to the old way but at this point she is really unwilling to try and compromise and work towards getting back together. Her mother controls a lot of her life, treats her like a kid and is just really overbearing. Because of her mother trying to interfere we've gotten into a lot of arguments. I totally understand she's the parent and all, but considering her age I would figure her mom would ease off a bit and try and let her grow.

So I don't know if I'm just feeling lonesome for her now or... whats going on. I could use some help. I know I'm leaving some stuff out, too. It'll come as its asked for.

Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma~! O-K-U!
SoonerMan on

Posts

  • GorgeeenGorgeeen __BANNED USERS regular
    edited September 2007
    This is not a keeper.

    Gorgeeen on
    No god damnit! The sheriff is a nig*Church Bells*r!!
    DarkPrimus wrote: »
    Pensies are "just kinda ugly" any way you slice it.

    Or don't slice it.
  • SoonerManSoonerMan Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Elaborate, maybe?

    SoonerMan on
    Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma~! O-K-U!
  • GorgeeenGorgeeen __BANNED USERS regular
    edited September 2007
    She doesn't want to work toward getting back together. Why are you trying to force her so?

    Gorgeeen on
    No god damnit! The sheriff is a nig*Church Bells*r!!
    DarkPrimus wrote: »
    Pensies are "just kinda ugly" any way you slice it.

    Or don't slice it.
  • CryogenCryogen Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    What is it that you want her to compromise on?

    Given the information you've provided i'm inclined to agree with Gorgeeen, at this point.

    Cryogen on
  • SoonerManSoonerMan Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Its an awkward situation. We both want to get back together, we've come out and told each other that. We have told the other, "We will have to work at this, it won't be easy but we can do it." The thing is, she has never been willing to compromise on anything, really. I'll talk to her and tell her, "Hey. I love you and I'll do anything I can for you; but, you're going to have to be a little more flexible because I can't do it all." She'll tell me she's ready to start compromising and all of that then her mom gets involved. This is when she goes on her independent streak and completely goes 180 from what we had JUST talked about.

    SoonerMan on
    Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma~! O-K-U!
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    SoonerMan wrote: »
    Its an awkward situation. We both want to get back together, we've come out and told each other that. We have told the other, "We will have to work at this, it won't be easy but we can do it." The thing is, she has never been willing to compromise on anything, really. I'll talk to her and tell her, "Hey. I love you and I'll do anything I can for you; but, you're going to have to be a little more flexible because I can't do it all." She'll tell me she's ready to start compromising and all of that then her mom gets involved. This is when she goes on her independent streak and completely goes 180 from what we had JUST talked about.

    all this is why she isn't a keeper. Do yourself a favor and don't waste college trying to force things to work with someone who 1: isn't willing and 2: is still in HS (I know some highschoolers are the epitome of mature, but I know/knew far far more that weren't)

    cut your losses, feel bad for a month, realize that you did what you could, and move on to happier healthier times.

    Xaquin on
  • naporeonnaporeon Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited September 2007
    SoonerMan wrote: »
    The thing is, she has never been willing to compromise on anything, really.
    Then why on Earth do you want to be with her? Are your standards so low that you would stay with someone who disrespected you so much that she expected you to make all the necessary changes, to do all the necessary work?

    That's profoundly unhealthy.

    And you should really stop trying to make all of the relationship's problems her mother's fault. Worst case scenario, you're only thinking that to delude yourself, and it's enabling the unhealthy, uncompromising behavior on your girlfriend's part by deflecting accountability. Best case scenario, you're right...but it won't make any difference, because even if you could break your girlfriend's relationship with her mother to the point where she'd no longer hold any sway over your her, you'd just be replacing her mother's influence with your own.

    naporeon on
  • CryogenCryogen Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    But what are some specific examples of something you want her to compromise on, which she doesnt?

    At the moment i'm inclined to feel that you want her to stand up to her mother and this is the cause for your frustration. Is that fair to say?

    Cryogen on
  • SoonerManSoonerMan Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Cryogen: That is definitely the case. I feel that her mother is going to be so into her hip pocket concerning her college career she'll move wherever her daughter goes which I think would be a terrible thing.

    Her mom's influence has done nothing but caused problems. She'll have made a decision (the ex) and be ready to come into her own since he's been more-or-less a hermit her entire life. That changed with me and she was a bit more out going, eventually ran for student council (something that was nothing like herself in the past) and won. Now her mom is making her miss out on big "SENIOR YEAR" stuff and its hurting her.

    As far as compromises go? This will sound really selfish and I can admit that, but I just wish she'd be more affectionate. I've gone above and beyond to make her feel great, special about herself and all of that. She means well, sure, but she's never really given me the same kind of loving respect. Every time something big for me has happened (graduation or something), she's nowhere to be found. She'll always have some other priority and for a while I was ok with that. I was glad she wasn't clingy, but then it just kinda got ridiculous how unaffectionate she was.

    I think as you guys ask, I'm starting to answer my question. But I still love her so much, and I don't think its my standards are so low but she is my first girlfriend. She was a lot of firsts. I'm pretty outgoing and all of that, no problem making friends or meeting people but as far as getting I guess... the TLC I sought from her I've never been lucky in that sense. Not even in this case with the person I love.

    I really don't think I CAN get over her. I'm sure everyone has said that, but thats where I am if theres any advice for that

    SoonerMan on
    Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma~! O-K-U!
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    SoonerMan wrote: »
    I think as you guys ask, I'm starting to answer my question. But I still love her so much, and I don't think its my standards are so low but she is my first girlfriend. She was a lot of firsts. I'm pretty outgoing and all of that, no problem making friends or meeting people but as far as getting I guess... the TLC I sought from her I've never been lucky in that sense. Not even in this case with the person I love.

    I really don't think I CAN get over her. I'm sure everyone has said that, but thats where I am if theres any advice for that

    I know exactly where you're coming from .... gads, I just thought about my first GF for the first time in probably 6 years. It will be hard to break up with her, but it really is the right thing for you. All the things that you've typed out made me think of every emotion I felt when I left my first GF. However, now, on top of all the thing I remember feeling I have a happy feeling because NOW I know that it would have never ever worked in a million years. I look back and am slightly embaressed at the tears I cried over a girl that never did shit for me when I gave everything I had for her.

    Drop her, know that there are other girls out there with cooler mothers that are the kind of GF you want/need.

    Xaquin on
  • FirstComradeStalinFirstComradeStalin Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    I don't think she really wants to put in the time that is necessary for a long-distance relationship, at least from the sound of it, and her Mom being clingy just makes the decision even easier for her. Break it off.

    It's your first girlfriend, so this would be the first girl you've ever had to get over, at least to such a degree. Believe me, it sucks at first but it passes. You're in college, just go out there and be active and do stuff and meet new women and you'll get over it fast.

    Edit: Damn you Xaquin!

    FirstComradeStalin on
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  • KyanilisKyanilis Bellevue, WARegistered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Yeah, if she's your first girlfriend then that's why you feel so attached. Really your best bet may be to just let it go. Trust me, even if it seems right now that you can't get over her, you probably will with time. She does really sound sorta flaky, like maybe she isn't all that invested into the relationship.

    If it was really "meant to be" she wouldn't be making it so difficult for you, and as far as the mother issue goes it sounds like the mother is to blame for absolutely any problem? Sounds iffy.

    Kyanilis on
  • CryogenCryogen Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    SoonerMan wrote: »
    I think as you guys ask, I'm starting to answer my question.

    Its not an accident that i asked the questions i did. I thought i could see what was really bothering you but i wanted you to get there on your own.

    Sadly, what you are telling me indicates she is not a 'keeper' as it were. She's still too young to strike out away from her mother by the sounds of it, and in any event doesnt sound well suited to you anyway. You make it sound like you're a fairly affectionate, caring sort of person who puts themselves forwards. The parts where you say she wasnt there for your big occasions tells me that you need more out of a relationship, and to be honest, i think you arent in the wrong for wanting more. But this isnt the girl that can provide that.

    Cryogen on
  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Yeah, it sounds more like you want to get back together because it's easy and what you know. In other words, you're already doubting yourself but when you see her you're like "ah who cares, I know you, I like you." Classic dysfunctional relationship stuff, btw. People are afraid of change so they overlook negatives.

    EggyToast on
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  • JeffHJeffH Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Is this your first serious girlfriend? I'm guessing yes? After you blow through a few girls these things start to affect you less. Have fun in college dude, don't be tied down.

    JeffH on
  • delphinusdelphinus Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    open her door up when walking back to the car.
    when you walk around to your door, see if she unlocks it.

    if she does, she's a keeper

    delphinus on
  • SoonerManSoonerMan Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    So how exactly do I get over? I have no problems meeting and making friends, but ladies are my downfall. I don't know how to woo them over.

    SoonerMan on
    Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma~! O-K-U!
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    SoonerMan wrote: »
    So how exactly do I get over? I have no problems meeting and making friends, but ladies are my downfall. I don't know how to woo them over.

    It isn't an exact science. What did you do before you went out with her? Hang out with friends? Video Games?

    pick up where you left off and have fun doing it (I know I know easier said then done). Just keep in mind that even though you feel down and crappy you WILL feel better.

    Xaquin on
  • tinyfisttinyfist Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    delphinus wrote: »
    open her door up when walking back to the car.
    when you walk around to your door, see if she unlocks it.

    if she does, she's a keeper


    Hah - this same exact thought occured to me once in high school. I only noticed because I started dating a girl that did that right after dating a girl that hadn't. I didn't have a car with remote locks back then, and it gets mighty cold up here in the winter to be fumbling around with your car keys.

    tinyfist on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • RendRend Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    SoonerMan wrote: »
    So how exactly do I get over? I have no problems meeting and making friends, but ladies are my downfall. I don't know how to woo them over.

    You don't always have to be in a relationship. I have found that seeking too hard for relationships will only be a negative force. Be on the lookout for good people you'd like to be with, maybe even look around, but if you wake up tomorrow without a girlfriend, don't consider it a failure. The time will come.

    Rend on
  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Knowing some of your history with this girl and her mother, I would say it's probably not going to work for you two while she lives with her mother or lets her mother have as much influence over her thoughts and actions as she currently does. Is she a keeper? Maybe she is. Should you continue to try to get back together given the circumstances? Probably not.

    I don't think you truly ever "get over" your first love. The best thing to do is to commit yourself to what you're doing now - which is exploring college and everything it has to offer. Just try new things and find out what you enjoy. Try to focus on that kind of stuff instead of her. Look at it as an adventure and don't worry about her or your relationship with her at this point. It may be sometime in the future you'll be friends, but don't waste time stressing over it.

    witch_ie on
  • SoonerManSoonerMan Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    So is talking to her in any capacity a good or bad idea?

    SoonerMan on
    Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma~! O-K-U!
  • JeffHJeffH Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    bad

    JeffH on
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    a bad idea.

    I know it sucks, but the sooner you are able to look back on it, the sooner you'll see the unfixable flaws. If you keep talking to her you'll keep finding ways and excuses to keep the feeling of comfort/familiarity.

    Xaquin on
  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    It really depends on how talking to her makes you feel. If it makes you long for the relationship you once had, feel obligated to her in anyway, or feel bad in anyway, you probably shouldn't.

    If you're still helping each other through the break-up (and that's what it has to be now - no more talk of getting back together except to say it isn't happening), then you should, but limit it.

    If when you talk to her, it's just like talking to a friend and doesn't make you feel guilty when you notice other women, go for it as much as you want so long as it doesn't bring back the relationship you just got out of. In this scenario, both of you will have to be okay with not being a couple anymore, so keep her feelings in mind. It's not okay for you to feel just friendship for her, her to want more, and then you to essentially tease her with what she can't have. I'm not saying you'd do this, but just that this has to be a mutual friends only thing.

    witch_ie on
  • SoonerManSoonerMan Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    So am I permanently getting over her so I don't even think about getting back together, or with the hope that once she's away from her mom they may be a chance?

    SoonerMan on
    Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma~! O-K-U!
  • JeffHJeffH Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Dude, it's over, get any thought of ever getting back with her out of your mind. Hang out with friends, go out, flirt with girls, party, etc

    JeffH on
  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Well, there's no real guarantee that once she moves away from her mother, that her mother will have any less influence on her. Therefore, it doesn't make much sense at this point to think that things will change or hold on to hope that they will. So, yeah, all thoughts of getting back together need to be gone from your mind.

    witch_ie on
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