Alright.
I have been seeing my girlfriend for about 4 months now. We are both seniors in high school, last year, college next year, woo. Anyhow...
i met her at a party and we really hit it off. started hanging out, were really, really, comfortable around each other, had the same personality, interests, what not. she's my first girlfriend, but she's had a couple boyfriends before me.
up until recently, i guess i've been acting really, really selfish (or so she says) towards her. i don't phone her when i should let her know i can't hang out that night, so she spends time waiting around for me, etc. i do a lot of stupid shit like that, where I just don't be considerate enough to phone her and let her know about certain things. I don't want to do this.
I don't know why, but sometimes I just don't even consider her. It's almost sub-conscious, because I KNOW I love her. We aren't planning the wedding bells or anything stupid like that, but we have both confessed how much we care about each other. it's just I guess I don't show it enough. I don't do nice things with her unless she shows some sort of negative emotions about how I never do, and then I do, but go right back in to this horrible rut where It's just "hey wanna do something? no? k, i'm gonna go" where I just don't get motivated to hang out or go out TOGETHER. we do a lot of things with groups of friends, but I don't know, I think I'm just lazy when not wanting to see her.
It's awful. then we get into arguements about how we never do anything together, I'm stupid, etc. etc. I don't want to be like this. I know I love this girl, she's just awesome when we're both happy and together. But some nights, we just can't stand each other. and I don't want things to fuck up, because they really do go great when we're happy.
What should I do, guys. I know it's pretty cliche being some 17 year old "in loooooove" but yeah. I never thought It'd happen to me, but to tell you the truth, I really love the girl, and I could definitely see us go far together. It's just these past couple weeks have been very bad between us. We've tried reconciling but something always fucks up.
I guess what I'm asking is, how can I improve on showing affection? I'm not very good showing affection for the girl unless we're alone and you know, but what should I do (not say), to show her how much I really care about her. I know I'm bad at this, but I need some advice. Just little things that let her know how I feel about her, rather than saying "good night I love you." every time we part at night after the movies.
Is this a horribly written thread? yeah, I just needed somewhere to vent, and somewhere on the internet with intelligent people that would post decent advice.
Thanks.
Posts
If the answer is as simple as you not knowing how to or thinking about how to show it, then that's easily solved - just be more conscious of her feelings. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine what your words and actions really say to her.
Or maybe you'll find that the answer is that, at this point in your life, you simply lack the capacity to fully care about someone else the way she needs you to. I remember what 17 is like, and if I were in shoes I'm fairly sure this would be my answer.
Hope that made sense.
any ways, any other advice is much appreciated.
My girlfriend's best friend/roomate and her boyfriend are having this EXACT same issue. Here's the thing, there's only one thing you have to do in this situation: START thinking about her.
There is no other solution to your problem. You're problem is that you don't think of her -- you two are together and you should care about her happiness. Call her just to say hi and see what's going on. Is there something you want to do? Maybe a movie you want to go see, or maybe you want to go ice skating? Ask her if she would like to do that. If you really love her, you should want to spend time with her.
People put up a lot of talk saying that being romantic requires grand plans and ideas and all of these things -- and while that is romantic and sweet and all, what's REALLY romantic is showing your significant other that you're thinking about them. A call when they aren't expecting it and you're thinking of them, asking them to do things to show you want to be around them. This is all very basic and these are things you really need to be thinking about and doing.
If you aren't doing it now, start to think about her situation. She is important to you, so you need to keep her in your mind. Little things to big things. What I mean by this is things like ... does she have a test today? Wish her luck before she even reminds you she has a test. Little things like that to show that you really are paying attention.
Right now she probably feels like you're not as into it as she is. Nobody wants to feel like they're more interested in the person than the person is interested in them. So, as mad as she may be at you right now, as soon as you feel like you can call her, you need to call her and tell her why you do the things you do, how you feel about her, and what you're going to do.
And here's the most important part -- DO what you're say you're going to, or else you'll end up right back here. Let her know that you care about her just as much as she cares about you. Let her know she's special and not just a girl you like to talk to when it's convenient for you.
Yes, you are too fucking selfish. I wouldn't even tolerate that from a platonic friend. If you can't make it somewhere, you take the 20 seconds to let them know so they aren't inconvenienced. You do this even for people you couldn't give two shits about, let alone someone you're dating. This is manners. Learn them, they make people hate you a lot less.
www.rockmidgets.com
I don't think the relationship is anywhere near as strong as you think it is, because if it was, you wouldn't be writing this post. She would be on your mind all the time, and it would wind you up if you didn't see her. If you think about that and realise its true (not saying it is or you will), then your other actions will make some sort of sense to you.
1) Your personality. Were you an only-child? Parents tend to dote on their only-child to the point where the child becomes used to the idea that they are the center of the world. When you're raised in an environment where you're the only one who matters, you don't get in the habit of considering the needs of others. Of course, different people handle this differently, and not every kid who is spoiled like that grows up to be self-centered or inconsiderate (and yes, you are being inconsiderate).
This point will affect all your relationships, not just the romantic ones. The example you gave about not letting your girlfriend know when you're too busy to meet her isn't just bad form towards your girlfriend. It would be bad form towards anyone with whom you had a pre-arranged meeting. Do you stand up your friends in the same way? If so, you need to work on being more considerate of other people. It might be more difficult in your case, as you're not dismissing the needs of others, but those needs never occur to you in the first place. Try to think about everything you're doing from another perspective. If you were your girlfriend, how would you have felt about whatever you just did? Gaining some measure of empathy would probably help you be more perceptive to the needs of others.
2) Your feelings for her. It sounds like you're not very emotionally attached to her, because, as Lewisham says, she would just naturally dominate your mind if you were really into her. Not to sound like some dismissive grown-up, but I think that your inexperience has caused you to think that this relationship is a bigger deal than it really is, to you at least.
This isn't something you can or should force. If you're not that into her, you're not that into her. It sounds like you have a crush on her, and that's about it. I used to get pretty bad crushes in highschool, and I would gush in my diary about how much I loved so-and-so, and then one day I realized that it was just some superficial feeling of attraction. I didn't really care about the guy I had a crush on, and I didn't miss him if I didn't seem him for a week.
You sound like you at least want to treat your girlfriend better, so you should just try to be more considerate of her feelings. However, you shouldn't force yourself to care about her more. As I said, it doesn't sound like your main problem is how much you care about her, as it is your general obliviousness to other people's needs.
Just 'cuz.
You may not be that into your current girlfriend, but you need to be more responsible about your relationships in general. I used to be the same way as you when I was in high school, I would not call my boyfriend, wouldn't call my parents to tell them when I was coming home etc. and it honestly really hurt my friends/family's relationship with me. My lack of communication to tell people when I was showing up for stuff was what caused about 90 % of the fights I had with my bf/family at time. So try to take the initiative and show your gf you want to do stuff with her and life should get better.
like.. a date (1)
me: hmm.....
her: and you can DRIVE
me: wuh bout saturday?
her: i can't, i work until 10
me: that sucksballs of GAY
her: why can't you
me: i can, just saturday's better for me and stuff :$
her: okay
me:i'll see, but i'm def. down with going downtown again
her: i'm not gonig to argue with you..but like
didn't we jsut have this argument about you never making time? i have friday off, all day
me: i'm just letting you know saturday's better for me, of couse i want to go down town
her: i don't undterdant why we can't go from like 4-5ish until,10
her: well of COURSE we'll go when it's better for you!
me: no
me: let's go friday
her: fuck off i don't wanna go anymore
me: ...
me what did i do
what the fuck guys. is she seriously right in getting pissed off at me because I asked her if saturday was good for her instead?
As Cat said, if you are going to be late fucking call them and apologise as you are putting them out. There is nothing more than I hate personally than people breaking meeting times with me at the last second.
Satans..... hints.....
She wants to do something with you. Why do you feel the need to complain about how much better another day would be when she tells you she can't do it on that day?
Also: Please, it's a small thing, but instead of saying something like "Yeah of course I want to go down town again." -- why don't you try to up the class a little bit and say something like "I want to see you again soon." or something like that. The way you were talking in that conversation is more the way you'd talk to a friend, and I wouldn't even talk to a friend that way.
Start to care about your girlfriend. You're not all mighty king of importance who can bitch and moan about how Saturday would be better for you. Be mature, work out a time that works for both of you, bitch to yourself IN YOUR HEAD if you need to, and spend time with her. Man.
Please take a step back and look at the way you talk. Refine, mature, and for god's sake act like you actually want to SEE HER. You just come across as if it's too much trouble to make time to go see her, and then on top of it you act like you're more interested in the event than in the company.
Ok Friday is good too then. What time do you want me to pick you up?
She got angry because you made a big fucking deal out of not being able to go on Saturday, when there really wasn't any reason to. You're saying "Hmm, can I fit you into a more convenient time?" and while that doesn't always go over badly, considering that you just talked about being selfish with her and wanting to improve, it was a selfish thing to say.
Were you listening? She can't go Saturday, you could go either day, thus you go the day that's not Saturday. It doesn't matter if Saturday is "better" if she can't go period.
Pointing it out is only showing her that you would rather her somehow get out of work than just going on a day that's less convenient to you, thus you are in so many words saying "But I'm selfish!"
Not good for relationships, especially when you just recently had an argument over being less selfish.
Seriously, Clipped, what the fuck? Read it back.
Yadayadayada "we love each other" yadayadayada "but I can't be fucked to see her on Friday even though she has that entirely free and I probably don't have a very good reason as to why I can't on Friday because I didn't tell her"
You can't even be bothered to get off your ass to go on a date when she asks. You're either:
a) Self-absorbed
b) Chronically untactful
c) Don't give a shit about her or your relationship
d) All of the above
What you are certainly not is in love; that you can't ascertain what you did wrong, when you showed her not one iota of care, is proof of that.
I hadn't spent enough time with her over this big trip thing that had both her and my friends there, I chose my friends to hang out with 90% of the time. So we get home, and I can tell something is going badly because she is all distant and stuff. So I am watching a Naruto marathon on CN when I decide "Fuck this I am making her think I am awesome RIGHT NOW".
She's volunteering for this play in a town about 10 miles away, she casually mentioned it to me the day before. So I go out there, camp out for like an hour in the parking lot until I think intermission is coming up, then run to a local flower shop to get a huge bouquet of flowers I know she'll like. I come back and it's intermission so I ask the lady to go get her. She comes out and sees me standing there with a bouquet of flowers smiling. She leaves the play, we run off to go see a movie, and I make sure nothing about the day is sexual at all to make sure she knows I don't need to get off sexually to enjoy her company.
We've been smooth sailing ever since.
So, Protip: randomly showing up places where she is at with a bouquet of flowers is an awesome way to say "I care about you and think about you even when you're not there", which is sorta important, you know?
But the #1 thing you need to do is ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT HER OMG. she's not just some part of your life that is cool when it's there and crap, she's YOUR GIRLFRIEND so like... give her the same amount of attention and love she gives you and show it for once.