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Am I too selfish? (Or, waaah help me message board with my relationship)

ClippedClipped Registered User regular
edited October 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
Alright.

I have been seeing my girlfriend for about 4 months now. We are both seniors in high school, last year, college next year, woo. Anyhow...

i met her at a party and we really hit it off. started hanging out, were really, really, comfortable around each other, had the same personality, interests, what not. she's my first girlfriend, but she's had a couple boyfriends before me.

up until recently, i guess i've been acting really, really selfish (or so she says) towards her. i don't phone her when i should let her know i can't hang out that night, so she spends time waiting around for me, etc. i do a lot of stupid shit like that, where I just don't be considerate enough to phone her and let her know about certain things. I don't want to do this.

I don't know why, but sometimes I just don't even consider her. It's almost sub-conscious, because I KNOW I love her. We aren't planning the wedding bells or anything stupid like that, but we have both confessed how much we care about each other. it's just I guess I don't show it enough. I don't do nice things with her unless she shows some sort of negative emotions about how I never do, and then I do, but go right back in to this horrible rut where It's just "hey wanna do something? no? k, i'm gonna go" where I just don't get motivated to hang out or go out TOGETHER. we do a lot of things with groups of friends, but I don't know, I think I'm just lazy when not wanting to see her.

It's awful. then we get into arguements about how we never do anything together, I'm stupid, etc. etc. I don't want to be like this. I know I love this girl, she's just awesome when we're both happy and together. But some nights, we just can't stand each other. and I don't want things to fuck up, because they really do go great when we're happy.

What should I do, guys. I know it's pretty cliche being some 17 year old "in loooooove" but yeah. I never thought It'd happen to me, but to tell you the truth, I really love the girl, and I could definitely see us go far together. It's just these past couple weeks have been very bad between us. We've tried reconciling but something always fucks up.

I guess what I'm asking is, how can I improve on showing affection? I'm not very good showing affection for the girl unless we're alone and you know, but what should I do (not say), to show her how much I really care about her. I know I'm bad at this, but I need some advice. Just little things that let her know how I feel about her, rather than saying "good night I love you." every time we part at night after the movies.

Is this a horribly written thread? yeah, I just needed somewhere to vent, and somewhere on the internet with intelligent people that would post decent advice.

Thanks.

Clipped on

Posts

  • Chief1138Chief1138 Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    She could probably answer you better than we can. You said you "don't mean to" be inconsiderate, and yet you know exactly what it is you are doing that she considers inconsiderate. So stop doing it.

    Chief1138 on
  • blanknogoblanknogo Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    I would take some time to think about it. If you care about her as much as you say you do, how is that she doesn't notice? How do you reconcile how you think you feel and how she feels?

    If the answer is as simple as you not knowing how to or thinking about how to show it, then that's easily solved - just be more conscious of her feelings. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine what your words and actions really say to her.

    Or maybe you'll find that the answer is that, at this point in your life, you simply lack the capacity to fully care about someone else the way she needs you to. I remember what 17 is like, and if I were in shoes I'm fairly sure this would be my answer.

    Hope that made sense.

    blanknogo on
  • ClippedClipped Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    i really should do that whole more conscious of her feelings. i've been meaning to, it's just right now things are going pretty awful you know. I just hate this part. I hope this works out and all that good stuff, it's just right now it's crappy. especially when you know she's mad you just don't know what to do or say right now, and it's probably not the best of times to talk with her.

    any ways, any other advice is much appreciated.

    Clipped on
  • CruixCruix Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Man ...

    My girlfriend's best friend/roomate and her boyfriend are having this EXACT same issue. Here's the thing, there's only one thing you have to do in this situation: START thinking about her.

    There is no other solution to your problem. You're problem is that you don't think of her -- you two are together and you should care about her happiness. Call her just to say hi and see what's going on. Is there something you want to do? Maybe a movie you want to go see, or maybe you want to go ice skating? Ask her if she would like to do that. If you really love her, you should want to spend time with her.

    People put up a lot of talk saying that being romantic requires grand plans and ideas and all of these things -- and while that is romantic and sweet and all, what's REALLY romantic is showing your significant other that you're thinking about them. A call when they aren't expecting it and you're thinking of them, asking them to do things to show you want to be around them. This is all very basic and these are things you really need to be thinking about and doing.

    If you aren't doing it now, start to think about her situation. She is important to you, so you need to keep her in your mind. Little things to big things. What I mean by this is things like ... does she have a test today? Wish her luck before she even reminds you she has a test. Little things like that to show that you really are paying attention.

    Right now she probably feels like you're not as into it as she is. Nobody wants to feel like they're more interested in the person than the person is interested in them. So, as mad as she may be at you right now, as soon as you feel like you can call her, you need to call her and tell her why you do the things you do, how you feel about her, and what you're going to do.

    And here's the most important part -- DO what you're say you're going to, or else you'll end up right back here. Let her know that you care about her just as much as she cares about you. Let her know she's special and not just a girl you like to talk to when it's convenient for you.

    Cruix on
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  • The CatThe Cat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited September 2007
    Clipped wrote: »
    up until recently, i guess i've been acting really, really selfish (or so she says) towards her. i don't phone her when i should let her know i can't hang out that night, so she spends time waiting around for me, etc. i do a lot of stupid shit like that, where I just don't be considerate enough to phone her and let her know about certain things. I don't want to do this.

    Yes, you are too fucking selfish. I wouldn't even tolerate that from a platonic friend. If you can't make it somewhere, you take the 20 seconds to let them know so they aren't inconvenienced. You do this even for people you couldn't give two shits about, let alone someone you're dating. This is manners. Learn them, they make people hate you a lot less.

    The Cat on
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  • ShintoShinto __BANNED USERS regular
    edited September 2007
    It's probably just because this is you haven't had a girlfriend before so you aren't in the habit of considering other people in those situations. I went through the same thing. Ask her to be patient with you, work on it and don't get all freaked out that it means something more than it does.

    Shinto on
  • DynamiteKidDynamiteKid Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Make the effort. Write it on the back of your damn hand, if you have to. Just consider her constantly. Would she like to know where you are right now? Do you have plans with her? Will she want to spend time with you (for that matter, do you want to spend time with her) today?

    DynamiteKid on
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    www.rockmidgets.com
  • LewishamLewisham Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    Clipped wrote: »

    I don't know why, but sometimes I just don't even consider her. It's almost sub-conscious, because I KNOW I love her. We aren't planning the wedding bells or anything stupid like that, but we have both confessed how much we care about each other.
    What should I do, guys. I know it's pretty cliche being some 17 year old "in loooooove" but yeah. I never thought It'd happen to me, but to tell you the truth, I really love the girl, and I could definitely see us go far together. It's just these past couple weeks have been very bad between us. We've tried reconciling but something always fucks up.

    I guess what I'm asking is, how can I improve on showing affection?

    I don't think the relationship is anywhere near as strong as you think it is, because if it was, you wouldn't be writing this post. She would be on your mind all the time, and it would wind you up if you didn't see her. If you think about that and realise its true (not saying it is or you will), then your other actions will make some sort of sense to you.

    Lewisham on
  • IreneDAdlerIreneDAdler Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    There are 2 things to consider:
    1) Your personality. Were you an only-child? Parents tend to dote on their only-child to the point where the child becomes used to the idea that they are the center of the world. When you're raised in an environment where you're the only one who matters, you don't get in the habit of considering the needs of others. Of course, different people handle this differently, and not every kid who is spoiled like that grows up to be self-centered or inconsiderate (and yes, you are being inconsiderate).

    This point will affect all your relationships, not just the romantic ones. The example you gave about not letting your girlfriend know when you're too busy to meet her isn't just bad form towards your girlfriend. It would be bad form towards anyone with whom you had a pre-arranged meeting. Do you stand up your friends in the same way? If so, you need to work on being more considerate of other people. It might be more difficult in your case, as you're not dismissing the needs of others, but those needs never occur to you in the first place. Try to think about everything you're doing from another perspective. If you were your girlfriend, how would you have felt about whatever you just did? Gaining some measure of empathy would probably help you be more perceptive to the needs of others.

    2) Your feelings for her. It sounds like you're not very emotionally attached to her, because, as Lewisham says, she would just naturally dominate your mind if you were really into her. Not to sound like some dismissive grown-up, but I think that your inexperience has caused you to think that this relationship is a bigger deal than it really is, to you at least.

    This isn't something you can or should force. If you're not that into her, you're not that into her. It sounds like you have a crush on her, and that's about it. I used to get pretty bad crushes in highschool, and I would gush in my diary about how much I loved so-and-so, and then one day I realized that it was just some superficial feeling of attraction. I didn't really care about the guy I had a crush on, and I didn't miss him if I didn't seem him for a week.

    You sound like you at least want to treat your girlfriend better, so you should just try to be more considerate of her feelings. However, you shouldn't force yourself to care about her more. As I said, it doesn't sound like your main problem is how much you care about her, as it is your general obliviousness to other people's needs.

    IreneDAdler on
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  • INeedNoSaltINeedNoSalt with blood on my teeth Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    You should go get her flowers right now.

    Just 'cuz.

    INeedNoSalt on
  • furiousNUfuriousNU Registered User regular
    edited September 2007
    I'm really gonna try not to be an asshole here, but your problem with your girlfriend is indicative of a bigger problem that most teenagers have. That problem is lack of responsibility. Adults harp on kids all the time and tell them to be more responsible. When adults told me this when I was in high school I thought adults meant that I shouldn't do stupid shit and make sure I turn in my HW on time. However, being responsible also means showing people that they can depend on you whether they are family, friend or lover. If you do not start being aware about this sort of thing, you could risk seriously damaging your current and future relationships.

    You may not be that into your current girlfriend, but you need to be more responsible about your relationships in general. I used to be the same way as you when I was in high school, I would not call my boyfriend, wouldn't call my parents to tell them when I was coming home etc. and it honestly really hurt my friends/family's relationship with me. My lack of communication to tell people when I was showing up for stuff was what caused about 90 % of the fights I had with my bf/family at time. So try to take the initiative and show your gf you want to do stuff with her and life should get better.

    furiousNU on
  • ClippedClipped Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    her do you wanna go downtown like to ----?
    like.. a date (1)
    me: hmm.....

    her: and you can DRIVE

    me: wuh bout saturday?

    her: i can't, i work until 10

    me: that sucksballs of GAY

    her: why can't you

    me: i can, just saturday's better for me and stuff :$

    her: okay

    me:i'll see, but i'm def. down with going downtown again

    her: i'm not gonig to argue with you..but like
    didn't we jsut have this argument about you never making time? i have friday off, all day

    me: i'm just letting you know saturday's better for me, of couse i want to go down town

    her: i don't undterdant why we can't go from like 4-5ish until,10

    her: well of COURSE we'll go when it's better for you!

    me: no

    me: let's go friday

    her: fuck off i don't wanna go anymore

    me: ...

    me what did i do






    what the fuck guys. is she seriously right in getting pissed off at me because I asked her if saturday was good for her instead?

    Clipped on
  • Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    I would not call you selfish. I would call you inconsiderate and lazy.

    As Cat said, if you are going to be late fucking call them and apologise as you are putting them out. There is nothing more than I hate personally than people breaking meeting times with me at the last second.

    Blake T on
  • Chief1138Chief1138 Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    That made my head hurt. There is very little advice we can give you based off a snippet of some IM conversation. You want us to tell you that she is being a cunt but without context no one can help you. And, man, "sucksballs of GAY"? What the fuck is that? Don't be a tool.

    Chief1138 on
  • CruixCruix Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Okay, that little chat log up there .. and a clip of "what did I do wrong?" -- you did EVERYTHING WRONG. PERIOD.

    She wants to do something with you. Why do you feel the need to complain about how much better another day would be when she tells you she can't do it on that day?

    Also: Please, it's a small thing, but instead of saying something like "Yeah of course I want to go down town again." -- why don't you try to up the class a little bit and say something like "I want to see you again soon." or something like that. The way you were talking in that conversation is more the way you'd talk to a friend, and I wouldn't even talk to a friend that way.

    Start to care about your girlfriend. You're not all mighty king of importance who can bitch and moan about how Saturday would be better for you. Be mature, work out a time that works for both of you, bitch to yourself IN YOUR HEAD if you need to, and spend time with her. Man.

    Please take a step back and look at the way you talk. Refine, mature, and for god's sake act like you actually want to SEE HER. You just come across as if it's too much trouble to make time to go see her, and then on top of it you act like you're more interested in the event than in the company.

    Cruix on
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  • UnderdogUnderdog Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    After she said Saturday was no good your response should have been:

    Ok Friday is good too then. What time do you want me to pick you up?

    She got angry because you made a big fucking deal out of not being able to go on Saturday, when there really wasn't any reason to. You're saying "Hmm, can I fit you into a more convenient time?" and while that doesn't always go over badly, considering that you just talked about being selfish with her and wanting to improve, it was a selfish thing to say.

    Underdog on
  • ArgusArgus Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Clipped wrote: »
    me: wuh bout saturday?
    her: i can't, i work until 10
    ...
    me: i can, just saturday's better for me and stuff :$
    me: i'm just letting you know saturday's better for me, of couse i want to go down town

    Were you listening? She can't go Saturday, you could go either day, thus you go the day that's not Saturday. It doesn't matter if Saturday is "better" if she can't go period.

    Pointing it out is only showing her that you would rather her somehow get out of work than just going on a day that's less convenient to you, thus you are in so many words saying "But I'm selfish!"

    Not good for relationships, especially when you just recently had an argument over being less selfish.

    Argus on
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  • LewishamLewisham Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Cruix wrote: »
    Okay, that little chat log up there .. and a clip of "what did I do wrong?" -- you did EVERYTHING WRONG. PERIOD.

    She wants to do something with you. Why do you feel the need to complain about how much better another day would be when she tells you she can't do it on that day?

    Seriously, Clipped, what the fuck? Read it back.

    Yadayadayada "we love each other" yadayadayada "but I can't be fucked to see her on Friday even though she has that entirely free and I probably don't have a very good reason as to why I can't on Friday because I didn't tell her"

    You can't even be bothered to get off your ass to go on a date when she asks. You're either:
    a) Self-absorbed
    b) Chronically untactful
    c) Don't give a shit about her or your relationship
    d) All of the above

    What you are certainly not is in love; that you can't ascertain what you did wrong, when you showed her not one iota of care, is proof of that.

    Lewisham on
  • Strain 121Strain 121 Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Story time, because I've been in the same boat and this is how I got out of it:

    I hadn't spent enough time with her over this big trip thing that had both her and my friends there, I chose my friends to hang out with 90% of the time. So we get home, and I can tell something is going badly because she is all distant and stuff. So I am watching a Naruto marathon on CN when I decide "Fuck this I am making her think I am awesome RIGHT NOW".

    She's volunteering for this play in a town about 10 miles away, she casually mentioned it to me the day before. So I go out there, camp out for like an hour in the parking lot until I think intermission is coming up, then run to a local flower shop to get a huge bouquet of flowers I know she'll like. I come back and it's intermission so I ask the lady to go get her. She comes out and sees me standing there with a bouquet of flowers smiling. She leaves the play, we run off to go see a movie, and I make sure nothing about the day is sexual at all to make sure she knows I don't need to get off sexually to enjoy her company.

    We've been smooth sailing ever since.

    So, Protip: randomly showing up places where she is at with a bouquet of flowers is an awesome way to say "I care about you and think about you even when you're not there", which is sorta important, you know?

    But the #1 thing you need to do is ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT HER OMG. she's not just some part of your life that is cool when it's there and crap, she's YOUR GIRLFRIEND so like... give her the same amount of attention and love she gives you and show it for once.

    Strain 121 on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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