Moving on... (girl thread)

Richy

So, it starts with a typical girl story. I was in love with her, she had a boyfriend, we spent more and more time together over the summer, she broke up with her boyfriend, I made a move. She turned me down, saying she only thought of me as a friend, and in fact was surprised to learn I had feelings for her, and even more surprised to learn that I had interpreted the time we spent together as signs she had feelings for me too.

Flash-forward to a month later. We're still friends, still talking on the phone every day and seeing each other from time to time, maybe once a week. But it's still just friendship, and is likely to stay that way. She simply doesn't have time for a relationship right now (schoolwork + student associations + part-time job + personal health problems + health problems of a family member) and I'll most likely be moving away in December.

Problem is, I still have feelings for her, and I can't seem to be able to get over them. Normally I get over a girl by getting interested in another girl, but that doesn't seem to be kicking in this time. I simply do not have any interesting girls left around me, and don't have time to start actively looking (I have quite a lot of schoolwork and a job, too). Oftentimes I'll focus on my work and forget about my personal problems, but that doesn't seem to be working this time either. I'm stuck on her.

How do I get unstuck and move on with my life?

(Alternatively, if there's a relationship genius out there who can figure out a way for us to date, I'm all ears.)

PirateJon

Fake it till you make it.

Halfmex

Given that you'll be moving away in about two months, I'd say just cut her out of your life. It doesn't sound like it's in the cards for the two of you to be together (at this juncture at least) anyway, so I'd have one last conversation with her and tell her that you really enjoyed the time you spent together, but the only way you're going to get her out of your mind is to move on with your life. Then, do so. Talking to her/seeing her is only serving to reinforce these feelings you have. Go work out, stay active, hang out with some other friends and do whatever you do to have fun.

MotherFirefly

So this isn't quite the same, but the same rules applied.

Aldo

If you can't get over her, get away from her. Stop calling her daily, stop meeting up with her. Since it seems obvious that she is not interested in you and it is of less importance to you to have her as a close friend, you might as well tell her just that. "Sorry ma'am, being around you still makes my heart hurt, so I want to stop having contact with you for a while. Have fun, go hook up with some other guy. Don't tell me."

Preacher

A lot of porn, a lot of hand lotion, a lot of you time. In no time you'll be able to discern the finer aspects of silicone implants and bad dye jobs.

You might want to get interested in some time consuming activity, take up reading a large grouping of books (like the entire Stephen King catalogue) that will be a shit ton of time spent. Or try creative writing, just don't write emo stuff. I'd advise against an MMO since that can be another H/A topic in and of itself.

JPants

My suggestion would be to stop calling her, stop initiating contact of any kind. Feel free to respond to any contact she intitalizes but stop putting yourself out there. Pulling away is the first step in letting go completely.

Richy

I do realize that cutting off all contact would be the easiest and fastest way to get over her. But I don't see that as an option. My feelings aside, we're still close friends. She's a great person and a great friend. I trust her more than most people, and she does care for me deeply, and neither of us wants to lose our friendship over this.


EDIT: And for the record, she calls me and comes over to see me far more often than I call her or go out to see her.

Aldo

Richy wrote: »

I do realize that cutting off all contact would be the easiest and fastest way to get over her. But I don't see that as an option. My feelings aside, we're still close friends. She's a great person and a great friend. I trust her more than most people, and she does care for me deeply, and neither of us wants to lose our friendship over this.


EDIT: And for the record, she calls me and comes over to see me far more often than I call her or go out to see her.

If you're such good friends she should understand what she's doing to you. Create some distance, man.

Feral

Richy wrote: »

(Alternatively, if there's a relationship genius out there who can figure out a way for us to date, I'm all ears.)

I don't think that leaving this possibility open in your mind is helping you get over her.

ChopperDave

Aldo wrote: »

If you're such good friends she should understand what she's doing to you. Create some distance, man.

Truth. This doesn't have to be a permanent state of affairs. Just a couple weeks of no contact so you can sort yourself out. If she's really your friend she should understand this.

Lingering feelings can ruin friendships. Trust me on this one. It doesn't seem like it, but if you don't create some distance for yourself right now, you're far more at risk of losing the friendship. A little space will do you both good in the long run.

Richy

I guess a few weeks apart to sort things out could help. But on the other hand, like I said, I'll be moving away and possibly never seeing her again in three months. I don't want to think I've waisted one of those months not even talking to her.

ChopperDave

Would you rather think, "If only I had taken a month or two off, we wouldn't have made such a mess of things and might actually still be on speaking terms"? Because sometimes I think that.

Yes that's my experience, and yes it's worst case scenario. But you're really better safe than sorry. And I guarantee you that if you're really as good friends as you say you are, three months from now won't be the last time you see or hear from her.

Corvus

Distance. It may be hard, but its the right thing to do.