Dating and spending
noir_blood
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I know the answers here are going to be really varied, but I would still like to get a feel of other people's experiences.
I been out of the dating world for a while, and for the most part I'd been okay with it. Recently I started talking to a girl that contacted me through okcupid. Turns out we have quite a few things in common and she seems pretty cool. She's already dropped hints that she would like to go out.
Now, the thing is that I live in a somewhat fixed budget. After bills, car payments, and money taken out for groceries, gas, etc, rent, it leaves me around 300-400 a month. I think that's a pretty good amount, as really just ends up being "me"money(to buy games/books/go out,etc). Still though, I want to continue to be able to put away some of that money away every month, as I done the whole living from paycheck to paycheck thing and I certainly dont' want to return.
Which brings me to the dilemma. I'm thinking that dating still can be somewhat expensive, at least for the guy, and especially in the beginning. I KNOW that the date with the girl might lead nowhere, but in the off chance we actually click, I am somewhat dreading the idea of what it could cost my wallet.
Am I over thinking things? Is dating not as expensive as I'm thinking?
TLDR; I'm wanting to know how expensive dating(especially in the beginning) can be.
I been out of the dating world for a while, and for the most part I'd been okay with it. Recently I started talking to a girl that contacted me through okcupid. Turns out we have quite a few things in common and she seems pretty cool. She's already dropped hints that she would like to go out.
Now, the thing is that I live in a somewhat fixed budget. After bills, car payments, and money taken out for groceries, gas, etc, rent, it leaves me around 300-400 a month. I think that's a pretty good amount, as really just ends up being "me"money(to buy games/books/go out,etc). Still though, I want to continue to be able to put away some of that money away every month, as I done the whole living from paycheck to paycheck thing and I certainly dont' want to return.
Which brings me to the dilemma. I'm thinking that dating still can be somewhat expensive, at least for the guy, and especially in the beginning. I KNOW that the date with the girl might lead nowhere, but in the off chance we actually click, I am somewhat dreading the idea of what it could cost my wallet.
Am I over thinking things? Is dating not as expensive as I'm thinking?
TLDR; I'm wanting to know how expensive dating(especially in the beginning) can be.
noir_blood on
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When you're talking to multiple girls (as they're talking to multiple guys), you'll start stacking dates back to back. That can get expensive. Keep to the short dates and you'll have enough 'me money' to have fun with.
Edit: I'm the d00d that pays for everything. =p
That's exactly what I'm afraid off. It's just one girl, but that could get expensive.
And how can you not be the guy that pays for everything? Is it not pretty much expected out of you? I don't know how many girls would be impressed/happy if when the bill comes, I just look at them and go "well?? Aren't you going to pay for your half?"
Anyway, that aside. Learn to cook and entertain -- it will save you a bundle. Obviously for the first few dates you're probably going to be going out, and it wouldn't hurt to not buy that extra game and treat for a dinner or something along those lines. A first date is very cheap, at the least, maybe coffee and a trip to a bookstore? No biggie there.
Like I said, learning to cook generally saves a ton of money. I started to learn once I got to college and all, and now most of the time my girlfriend and I may go out to see a movie or do something like that, but I'll cook for us. It ends up being much more affordable than going out, not to mention you get the plus points for being creative and thoughtful.
As far as other date suggestions -- check your local paper in the Events section for things going on in your area. There should be plenty of things you can do on a date that are relatively cheap or free. Picnics are reasonably cheap, too. There are a wealth of cheap-date ideas that will help you along.
Aside from that, it's just maybe sacrificing a few things here and there that you would have bought for yourself out of your "me" money. It's a small price to pay to get out and have a good time and maybe get to know someone wonderful.
Abandon all hope, for no one is here to help you.
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Being concerned that you look "whipped" makes you look immature and juvenile.
There's nothing wrong with paying for everything when you go out on dates. Conversely, there is nothing wrong with paying only your share if you and the other person are okay with it/know that going into it.
Now, once a person is your girl/boyfriend, and you want to treat them, that's different. Go someplace fancy and pay for shit, assuming it's more like a gift than just "next saturday." But dating? Pfft.
Abandon all hope, for no one is here to help you.
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As far as first dates go though, I think its whoever does the asking. It's not very polite to ask someone out to a nice restaurant and expect them to foot the bill - you offered to take them there by merit of the asking.
'Can I get you a cup of coffee that you have to pay for?' he asked.
'No thank you, I can do that on my own.' she replied.
Agreed. If you ask her out, you pay for the date. Later on, I like to switch off who is treating; splitting the bill every single time is kind of...unromantic, I guess? But if you pay for dinner and she gets the movie tickets (or whatever), you're taking care of each other. (Also, it is nicer for waiters and such if they don't have to split the bill for you all the time.)
If you're trying to woo someone, it makes more sense. Especially if you know them already, and are trying to make them, say, "more than friends," or you know them as a friend of a friend.
The OP should remember, though, that there's a flipside to this, too. If you pay for a date, your hand is played -- the girl knows it's a date, that you have romantic intentions, and that you find her attractive in a non-platonic way. In many ways, that can be good -- it allows one to say "I like you, in THAT way" without having to say it. On the other hand, if you get turned down, that's pretty much it.
Some girls will view a date where you don't pay as a non-date, as well. Similar to what Sarcastro said, it is definitely easier if you don't split everything if you're going to dinner a lot. Of course, if you're repeatedly dating someone, it's pretty obvious that you like each other and that it will "cancel out" with a future date, and you can discuss stuff like that. Personally, I find that good first dates are ones where you're by yourself in a situation where one person doesn't have to front a lot of money. Coffeeshops are great for this, because you can agree to meet at a time, pay like $3 for a coffee, and sit down with a book or whatever while you wait for the other person to show up. No worries about ordering food, dressing up, spending a lot of money, or even time commitments.
What soured me from the idea of paying for everything for first dates, besides my gender studies classes in college, was hearing from numerous girls who were serial daters. They loved having guys ask them out, would spend a night on the town on a guy's dime, and then not see him again unless they kept paying. They usually got bored and moved on to a new guy. Sex rarely even entered the picture.
Ugh, and don't get me started on the occasional guy I'd hear from who had a well-paying job but no social commitments, so would simply drop a hundred or so on a girl to take her to an incredibly fancy restaurant, all in the name of having sex with her. Over and over again, with different women. Happily they were always "friend of a friend" or similar.
But yes, as Trow and Sarc note, if the date is a bit more pricey or event-oriented, and you're trying to woo someone, offering to pay is a good way to convince them that it's a good idea. And that going with you is a good idea. But it's the "making a habit of it" that ends up lopsided and expensive.
I tend to be traditional, I like to pay for my dates when I'm out.... but I'm not on a "date" the first time I meet you.
For something like that, keep it light and cheap. Coffee/tea is great for that. You don't know how it will hit off, so go ahead and agree on meeting someplace that does not burden you with an expectation of time (like waiting for a meal to be prepared and served) and also doesn't cost more than a few dollars.
If you guys hit it off, then feel free to set up a real "Date" and then pay if you feel like it. But you can certainly plan very awesome dates that don't cost much money.
Some girls wil be offended if you try to pay, and will consider you a misogynist.
Some girls would love to be taken to fancy restaurants all the time.
Some girls would rather a home made meal followed by couch snuggling.
Some dudes are ok with girls paying half or all of the bill.
Some dudes will never let a woman pay.
Really, you need to figure out what type of girl you want to date and what type of dude you are, and govern your spending accordingly.
you buy this round, I buy the next, etc etc, split dinner, you know. For me, dating becomes super expensive NOT b/c I'm paying for everything, but rather b/c I go out on an extended number of 50/50 split dates, you know? Going out more = spending more money. Period.
That said, I do still pay entirely for SOME dates, but like to make those moments stick out as special (like, "You know, why don't you let me pay for dinner tonight?" or whatever). It feels like a good thing to do every once and a while, as a fellow.
Only once over the past several years was I on a date where the girl kind of insisted that I pay for everything. We'd been drinking for a while ---- I switched from martinis to cheap beer the moment I figured out I didn't like this girl... she kept on with her pricey wine. The bill comes, and she asks me if I wanted her to throw in anything. My eyebrow shot right up to the middle of my forehead.
I made her throw down a $20. She got off cheap.
Let 'em eat fucking pineapples!
It'd probably be better to do it BEFORE you go out. I know nearly everyone should and would go out with the money to pay for their share if needed, but just in case the other person wasn't aware they had to bring money along for dinner.
Not to mention you don't really want to blind someone who spends the whole dinner thinking it's so nice that you're treating and then at the end you say it's time to split the bill. This is one of those things you definitely need to mention first, I think.
I would just ask. If a woman were to be terribly offended with me asking a perfectly practical question then she can fuck off anyways.
Also, good point what Cruix said. Ask at the beginning of the date.
That's totally fine. For the first date, do something fun and nice that doesn't break the bank. Things like mini-golf are fun and fairly cheap. Instead of going to Chez Overpriced for dinner, go to someplace more affordable but also sort of cool, maybe that the girl hasn't heard of. The cool little thai place in downtown, or the bistro tucked away behind the other stores where nobody can see it. Put some thought into your dates.
That's for the first date. Beyond the first date, you can be more frugal. She's already agreed to see you again, so she likes you. You should be more worried about being yourself than about wooing the fuck out of her with the power of your mighty pocketbook. Come up with fun little day trips, like picnic lunches, and whatnot. After a couple dates, she should know enough about you to sort of get your financial situation, and a good girl at that point will be helping to pay, and wanting to do things that are cheap or free. Also: cooking her dinner wins major cupid-points, and is cheap and fun. Not always great for a first date, but definitely for a second or third.
Dating really doesn't have to be expensive. If you need money to be successful, find another woman.
If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to message me. Yes, that includes you.
Yes, you offered to take them there, but they didn't have to accept it. From my perspective, they accepted it, that means they must be willing to pay the (monetary) expenses of spending time with me. It is a mutual agreement, after all.
When I ask my friend, "hey, wanna go see a concert with me" he or she does not assume that I must be doing the paying because I am doing the asking. It is asinine.
Same with dating. Like EggyToast says, until you become girlfriend/boyfriend and you decide to treat them, you are not obligated to pay for anything. You may be expected to, by people who play into the whole gender roles crap, but in the modern world of dating where the genders have mutual respect for each other, that expectation is no longer there.
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Anyway, if you feel like you should be "that guy who pays for everything", but your budget is limited, take her out to a date where you don't have to pay for anything. Take a walk on a nice trail. Go to a park and have a picnic. Go to the bookstore together, or to a charity event.
Hell, I took my date to - believe it or not - a fucking police auction once, and it was one of the most fun dates I've ever been on.
For first dates, I usually pay for the whole thing and do something nice but inexpensive. A small local cafe, a bistro, or like the man says a little thai place.
The next few dates I usually ask if she's willing to go dutch. If the answer is always no I'm probably not going to ask her to go out much more. Then if I think things are going to get serious I'll pay for dinner again but something more extravagant. Paying your date's way is a nice, romantic thing to do but for god's sake don't do it every single time.
Anyway, there are lots of dates that don't involve a huge outlay of money. I really enjoyed grabbing frozen yogurt and taking it to a bookstore with this one girl; we could talk about the various books we liked and laugh at the mass market best sellers and read to each other from Cosmo and stuff. Just have a little creativity, you're there to talk and get to know the person, not there to impress her with your bling.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
I do it because I like to and because I can afford to quite easily.
Its also a test for me to see what kind of girl I'm seeing.
The girl I'm semi-dating at the moment is very uncomfortable whenever I pay for things, and makes that known. Its one of my favourite things about her, that she doesn't have any form of entitlement
But I went out to dinner with a girl once, and when we finished, as we walked past the register, she said "I'm just going to go make a phonecall while you pay."
I was like....wtf?? I paid, and tipped, but I never saw her again. She called me up and I said "yeah, no thanks, I don't go on second dates with people who expect me to pay."
I quite often do pay for everything, and I like to. But the second someone expects me to, I'm done.
BUt then again I'm also rarely going out to dinner with girls. I take them to pool halls, bowling alleys...I even took a girl laser-gaming on our second date once.
You have several options, ask for her money when the bill comes, pay without asking her for any money, if she objects say she can pay next time, or if the date is going well tell her that you can go to the movies/park/further activity and she can buy the popcorn/ice/condoms (that last one is a lie, don't say that).
Satans..... hints.....
True. Though if a girl is making much less than me then I'll pay, especially if the bill is high. However, I learned that if I'm having a great date and the girl wants to pay half then thats awesome, she's a keeper.
Birthday / Christmas presents though I always go out of my way for to make up for her always insisting on paying.
Umm, no.
Depending on what her interests are, art museums or physical activities might be good. Say she's into tennis - a first date that involves a couple of games would be cute and cheap. And, really, it's a lot more effective than wining and dining her at some fancy-pants restaurant where you're more concerned about picking the right wine than having fun with her.
Oh, and although every woman will deny this vigorously, you MUST pay for her. Especially on the first date. ESPECIALLY if you asked her out. Don't make a big deal of it, but don't do dutch. It's regressive and a bit sexist, but them's the breaks. Actually, this is a good rule of thumb outside of dating as well - if you've planned a meeting with an acquaintance or someone work-related, it's classy to pay for them the first time around. It's a subtle way of showing that you value their time and that the invite was more than just perfunctory (even if it was just perfunctory).
Good luck, dude.
Also, they are right when they say you shouldn't be the guy who pays for everything. You may be inclined to pay for the 2 of you the first time, but trust me: don't. It'll show her you don't feel the need to get her attention by buying her shit.
Good luck dude.
This. You probably won't start boozing at lunch or play around with appetizers/dessert unless it's going amazingly well. If you go to grab the check and she doesn't make a move to help pay then you're going to be out around $50 for a really nice lunch at the most. I used to end up laying out for full blown dinners for a long time but I would always hit up the bar afterwards if it was tanking and that never ended up well.
If you really like her, then you can take her out to a nice place later on. It's a little late in the year (in the northeast, anyways) to start hitting up outside dates but just be creative or ask here for more advice and you'll get a lot of ideas.
Of course, this would only help you on repeat dates, but it's something to keep in mind.
I guess I just never talk during eating and then when I'm done I kinda just want to relax. So it's not something I want to share for the first time being with someone. But I do suppose traditional dating times are during the meal hours....
Having a girl vehemently insist on splitting a bill can be a sign that she is not into you.
You really can't use if a girl pays or not as any kind of indication of her intentions. This particular aspect of dating is so fucked up right now. No one can decide on anything.
In answer to the OP, dating doesn't have to be expensive. There are things you can do that don't cost much money. Throw in some fancy restaurant or equivalent every now and then so she knows you're not cheap and you're set!