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I think I've developed an aggravating attraction pattern...
ChopperDave
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Time for me to ask for advice, woo.
So, over the last few months, I've been noticing something that sort of bothers me a bit. In so many words, I seem to be inordinately attracted to girls who are already in relationships. The longer she has maintained her relationship, the more attractive she seems to be.
I'll get this out of the way: I don't act on these attractions. Ever. I don't find the idea of being the "other man" appealing, nor do I like the idea of helping a girl cheat on her boyfriend. In fact, I'm pretty sure a girl being loyal to her boyfriend is part of her appeal to me.
I also don't have a problem of reading the signs, generally. I'm not one to pursue a girl single-mindedly despite her constantly signaling she's not interested, then complain that she "led me on." Sometimes I'll crush on girls I know to be taken a little, but not in a very strong/creepy or problematic way, and not often.
The problem is that I'm pretty into shy/intelligent girls, so I'm used to having to be pretty aggresive. I'm decent at flirting, making physical contact with, holding good conversation with and asking out girls who aren't unreceptive per se, but a little withdrawn. The thing is, of course, that "not unreceptive but withdrawn" tends to apply to "taken" girls as well.
For the last four months, every single girl I have asked out has turned out to be taken. This is not hyperpole. The last two, for example, I met at parties: I saw them, got tipsy/drunk with them, flirted with them, chatted up, and spent a lot of time pursuing them when they were pretty obviously attracted to me and returned the sentiment. Hell, tonight, there was a girl I was really into, and we even got to the point where we were spending a lot of time together on the party periphery, holding hands, getting dangerously close to kissing, and generally being really into each other. And of course, when it came time for me to ask her out on a real date before doing anything (cause I'm old fashioned like that), she told me she had a long distance boyfriend. And I almost tore out my hair.
It's almost always like that, no matter where I meet her: class, party, mutual friend, or otherwise. The girl will act single, will respond favorably (sometimes REALLY favorably) to flirtation/advances, and then sort of bail out as soon as the question of going out on a legit date (or in extreme cases, kissing etc) comes up.
MEANWHILE, the last few people I've actually managed to date have turned out to have tremendous commitment issues. To be honest, I just want to be in a decent relationship with someone I care about, and the only people I've ever ended up are either 1) incredibly flaky or 2) incredibly controlling and not terribly trusting.
I'm really beginning to feel like the fault here is with me, and that for whatever reason I'm zeroing in on the "taken" girls while completely ignoring the perfectly eligible single ones. I mean, you'd think that the law of averages would kick in and I would have managed to ask out a single girl ONCE in the last 4 months if I wasn't doing something wrong. The only times I do manage to get ask out a single girl, it seems to be someone like these taken girls, but who turns out to be REALLY not cut out for a relationship.
So I guess the questions I want to ask are this: why am I doing this? Why do I seem to be avoiding girls who I know are single and interested, and pursueing girls who aren't single (but seemingly a little interested...)? Is my desire to find a decent longterm relationship leading me into these kinds of unhealthy encounters, both with taken girls and commitaphobes, and why? Am I being too aggresive, maybe?
And female forumers - is there anything I can do to tell earlier? Subtle hints I might be missing? Is there a way to bring up the subject of boyfriend/girlfriends without seeming heavy-handed? Is this a thing where I'm just looking in the wrong places (and if so, where are the "right" places? :P)?
So, over the last few months, I've been noticing something that sort of bothers me a bit. In so many words, I seem to be inordinately attracted to girls who are already in relationships. The longer she has maintained her relationship, the more attractive she seems to be.
I'll get this out of the way: I don't act on these attractions. Ever. I don't find the idea of being the "other man" appealing, nor do I like the idea of helping a girl cheat on her boyfriend. In fact, I'm pretty sure a girl being loyal to her boyfriend is part of her appeal to me.
I also don't have a problem of reading the signs, generally. I'm not one to pursue a girl single-mindedly despite her constantly signaling she's not interested, then complain that she "led me on." Sometimes I'll crush on girls I know to be taken a little, but not in a very strong/creepy or problematic way, and not often.
The problem is that I'm pretty into shy/intelligent girls, so I'm used to having to be pretty aggresive. I'm decent at flirting, making physical contact with, holding good conversation with and asking out girls who aren't unreceptive per se, but a little withdrawn. The thing is, of course, that "not unreceptive but withdrawn" tends to apply to "taken" girls as well.
For the last four months, every single girl I have asked out has turned out to be taken. This is not hyperpole. The last two, for example, I met at parties: I saw them, got tipsy/drunk with them, flirted with them, chatted up, and spent a lot of time pursuing them when they were pretty obviously attracted to me and returned the sentiment. Hell, tonight, there was a girl I was really into, and we even got to the point where we were spending a lot of time together on the party periphery, holding hands, getting dangerously close to kissing, and generally being really into each other. And of course, when it came time for me to ask her out on a real date before doing anything (cause I'm old fashioned like that), she told me she had a long distance boyfriend. And I almost tore out my hair.
It's almost always like that, no matter where I meet her: class, party, mutual friend, or otherwise. The girl will act single, will respond favorably (sometimes REALLY favorably) to flirtation/advances, and then sort of bail out as soon as the question of going out on a legit date (or in extreme cases, kissing etc) comes up.
MEANWHILE, the last few people I've actually managed to date have turned out to have tremendous commitment issues. To be honest, I just want to be in a decent relationship with someone I care about, and the only people I've ever ended up are either 1) incredibly flaky or 2) incredibly controlling and not terribly trusting.
I'm really beginning to feel like the fault here is with me, and that for whatever reason I'm zeroing in on the "taken" girls while completely ignoring the perfectly eligible single ones. I mean, you'd think that the law of averages would kick in and I would have managed to ask out a single girl ONCE in the last 4 months if I wasn't doing something wrong. The only times I do manage to get ask out a single girl, it seems to be someone like these taken girls, but who turns out to be REALLY not cut out for a relationship.
So I guess the questions I want to ask are this: why am I doing this? Why do I seem to be avoiding girls who I know are single and interested, and pursueing girls who aren't single (but seemingly a little interested...)? Is my desire to find a decent longterm relationship leading me into these kinds of unhealthy encounters, both with taken girls and commitaphobes, and why? Am I being too aggresive, maybe?
And female forumers - is there anything I can do to tell earlier? Subtle hints I might be missing? Is there a way to bring up the subject of boyfriend/girlfriends without seeming heavy-handed? Is this a thing where I'm just looking in the wrong places (and if so, where are the "right" places? :P)?
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ChopperDave on
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Or, if it really is just bad luck, the only cure is to keep trying as the odds will eventually come up in your favor. Sounds like the type of girl you're attracted to is more stable and well-rounded. Add to that they're attractive, funny, smart, and nice, and those girls are almost always perpetually in a relationship.
As to how you avoid it: ask people out as soon as you start to think you might be interested in them, so at least you won't feel like you "wasted time" by flirting with them if they have a boyfriend. If you find someone you genuinely like on a friendship level, stay friends with her (but not in that creepy "I'm waiting for you to break up with your boyfriend so I can swoop in" way). Awesome girls generally have awesome friends, and the awesome friends may not be single. Plus, you know that guy who always has a lot of sexy, confident female friends around him, laughing and having fun? That guy is HOT.
Well there you go right there. You want someone without commitment issues, and who better demonstrates that than someone in a committed relationship?
Hopefully recognising this will help in some way, because it sounds like you're doing the right things otherwise in terms of asking plenty of girls out.
I'm biased, but this ain't the case from what I can tell. Outside sources tend to verify afterwards. I really don't know why someone would lie about that anyway when there are other perfectly legitimate ways to let someone down.
Mini-rant: this is total bullshit in my case. Everytime I meet someone who I ask out, find out has a boyfriend, but find cool enough to remain friends with anyway, she avoids me. Probably a byproduct of our culture or something, but every girl I know assumes a guy "trying to be friends" is still trying to get with her. Can't even invite them and their friends out to join me at a concert or something without them getting suspicious. I'd actually like to avoid asking "taken" people someone out, because as soon as I do, that bullshit sets in.
The problem I'm having here is that it seems to be a psychological issue with me. I've got pretty single friends (who I'd never date), but I don't find them nearly as attractive as my coupled friends (who I'd also never date). I even kind of prefer to hang out with people who aren't single. When I know someone for a long time and carry a torch for her, and she finally breaks up with her boyfriend, I stop carrying a torch for her. If I see a girl at a party with a guy hanging over her, I tend to want her more than any other person at the party. Etc etc.
I'd like to stop doing all this. Single people are people too, yeah? The thing is that I don't really know how to alter my behavior to accomdate that. Predictably, I really don't tend to like doing things like going to bars and clubs, nor does the idea of meeting someone there appeal to me.
Were it so easy.
For someone with a genius IQ yes.