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First Date Finalé
Bulbasaur
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I guess this is probably not a very unique problem and it it's a really situational sorta thing but maybe there
are some basic guidelines that I can follow.
Basically my problem isn't really getting dates. Mostly through the powers of internet dating to be honest. Contrary to popular belief there aren't that many crazies on there. Anyways usually I meet someone I like then I opt to skip the "getting to know on another" MSN phase since I'm of the opinion that talking in person is the only way you can get to know someone.
So, the situation going into the first date is sorta like a blind date only we know what each other look like and maybe we read one another's totally unbiased profiles.
Right, so obviously sometimes things just don't go well and it's clear this also our last date and that's the end of that. It's the other times that my problem arises. We have a great date, our personalities mesh, whatever, and then the date ends.
I have no idea what I'm supposed to do when were saying goodbye. Do I offer to shake her hand? Go in for a hug? A kiss? Is there a way to tell? I get the feeling that I've ruined many a date because I acted like I wasn't really interested in the end rather when in fact that was just me being shy. Sometimes we see one another again even in spite of this but I've got the same problem every time and eventually I'm sure not knowing when to make a move has ruined a good deal of my chances.
So, I'm wondering if any of you folk have any wisdom dealing with this critical moment? Uh, and I know some of the advice will be not to stress out over and just go with the flow but I can't not stress out about it! Keep that in mind I guess.
are some basic guidelines that I can follow.
Basically my problem isn't really getting dates. Mostly through the powers of internet dating to be honest. Contrary to popular belief there aren't that many crazies on there. Anyways usually I meet someone I like then I opt to skip the "getting to know on another" MSN phase since I'm of the opinion that talking in person is the only way you can get to know someone.
So, the situation going into the first date is sorta like a blind date only we know what each other look like and maybe we read one another's totally unbiased profiles.
Right, so obviously sometimes things just don't go well and it's clear this also our last date and that's the end of that. It's the other times that my problem arises. We have a great date, our personalities mesh, whatever, and then the date ends.
I have no idea what I'm supposed to do when were saying goodbye. Do I offer to shake her hand? Go in for a hug? A kiss? Is there a way to tell? I get the feeling that I've ruined many a date because I acted like I wasn't really interested in the end rather when in fact that was just me being shy. Sometimes we see one another again even in spite of this but I've got the same problem every time and eventually I'm sure not knowing when to make a move has ruined a good deal of my chances.
So, I'm wondering if any of you folk have any wisdom dealing with this critical moment? Uh, and I know some of the advice will be not to stress out over and just go with the flow but I can't not stress out about it! Keep that in mind I guess.
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You might think, for example, that when you're on your first date, you should still completely respect boundaries and not make any moves, physically. That's only half-true, and a mindset you probably ought to get out of.
The problem here is that, at the end of the night, you're both confused as to where each other stands. You don't know where she stands, because you haven't done anything to find out. She doesn't know where you stand, because despite how obvious your attraction might seem to you, she doesn't know you well enough to pick up on your more subtle hints of interest. And because neither of you actually know if the other really had a good time and is really interested, things get awkward.
If you're interested in a girl, do things to test and break down her and your comfort barriers. Touch her lightly on the arm when talking to her. Lean in towards her sometimes. Try to put your arm around her shoulder or her waist. If you're walking with her, offer your arm for her to hold - and if that works out well hold her hand. Little things like that. If she lets you and seems comfortable, great! If she doesn't, then now you know that maybe she doesn't reciprocate your interest.
I guarantee you that if you make obvious overtures like that, she'll start making them in return. If you've done things like this, you'll find how uncritical this "critical" moment at the end of the night is - it's just the end of the date, and not some "do or die" moment. If you've both been open to each other about the extent of your attractions to each other, and she wants to be hugged/kissed/whatever, she'll make it apparent for you. And chances are, you'll have known what she wanted at least 20 minutes prior.
In other words, don't let the date be about the last 5 minutes. Let the date be about the whole thing!
Regardless that's good advice. It's kinda silly that I hadn't really thought of things that way before I guess. I just wish I had an easier time of reading a girls reactions. I think I might be constantly evaluating our situations from a far too cynical perspective. 'She is just laughing to be polite' stuff like that I guess.
if the former, i would walk her to her door when you drop her off, say your goodbyes... you'd really like to do this again, hope to see you again soon, call me soon, etc etc
after that... well if it were me i'd probably tell her i had a great time and i would really like to take her out again... mix in a joke or two and say goodbye... then before leaving i would probably kiss her hand and give her a coy look and then get steppin'... keep it simple. generally i save the close contact stuff for the second go-round.
whatever you do, just be comfortable with it. awkward hugs really suck... awkward kisses are worse. i stick with the hand kiss because it says you really like her in a classy way without getting into an awkward physical position.
edit: listen to chopperdave.
Try not to be cynical about stuff like that - just take it at face value. Give her the benefit of the doubt on small things and trust her a little. If you're cynical about her laughing at your jokes, there's a good chance she'll pick up on it. Asking a girl, "Do you really find my jokes funny?" is like saying "I don't have a high opinion of my own humor." Cynicism and a lack of trust is a roundabout way of showing that you have low self-confidence, IMO.
And seriously, get out of your comfort zone and test the physical boundaries. I can't stress it enough. I can't tell you how many times I've been on dates that seemed really awkward for the longest time - until I just bit the bullet and threw my arm around her shoulder or grabbed her hand. The shift is unreal: a lot of times it's like a sort of green light, and you'll find she gets WAY more comfortable and cuddly and open about her interest in you (and to other things :winky:). A little physical contact can reeally mean the difference between awkward and not awkward at all.
edit: also, if a girl is forward enough to be flirty with you, reciprocate! If she brushes her hand against your arm/leg/knee, that's almost always a sign that she'd be comfortable with you doing the same. If she touches you and you remain physically withdrawn, she may very well think that you're signalling disinterest.