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I think I'm in love with my best friend
CrossBuster
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, I've known this girl for about a year and a half. We met early in our first year in law school, and immediately hit it off. In a month or two we were practically inseparable. It soon got to the point where most people who knew us assumed that were were dating, and just not telling anyone. That wasn't the case, however. During most of this time, she had a boyfriend.
However, a couple month ago, she told me that she wanted to break up with him, and asked me for advice. I basically copped out and told her nothing, in a way that was disguised as real advice (I can't tell you what you should do, you should do what you think is right, etc.).
Anyway, she did break up with him, and I did what I could to help her through it, though I feel that I was little more than a shoulder to cry on.
Since then we've both seen other people, but nothing serious. As of right now, we're both single.
I'm really not sure what I'm even asking here. I kind of wanted to vent. I feel like I'm going to go insane if I don't tell her how I feel, yet if I do, and she doesn't feel the same way (which I'm assuming to be the case), it could ruin our friendship, and no matter what happens, it's likely to make things horribly awkward between us.
Is there any way to approach this that isn't completely lose-lose?
However, a couple month ago, she told me that she wanted to break up with him, and asked me for advice. I basically copped out and told her nothing, in a way that was disguised as real advice (I can't tell you what you should do, you should do what you think is right, etc.).
Anyway, she did break up with him, and I did what I could to help her through it, though I feel that I was little more than a shoulder to cry on.
Since then we've both seen other people, but nothing serious. As of right now, we're both single.
I'm really not sure what I'm even asking here. I kind of wanted to vent. I feel like I'm going to go insane if I don't tell her how I feel, yet if I do, and she doesn't feel the same way (which I'm assuming to be the case), it could ruin our friendship, and no matter what happens, it's likely to make things horribly awkward between us.
Is there any way to approach this that isn't completely lose-lose?
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So I told her. I sorted out my thoughts ahead of time, and we got coffee, and I told her I had a thing for her - but that I wasn't going to pressure her into anything - that it was more important for me that we have a healthy relationship, rather than try to force something. Her response was pretty definitive, but graceful, and we had a talk about things that we could do to just be really good friends.
I didn't sleep the next night. The next day, I told her that I had gotten my hopes up, and thought we'd be good together. She took it in stride and stood by her decision, but again, was mature enough not to freak out about it.
We're still great friends...
The key is to make sure that you're not telling her you have a thing for her because you want her to date you. You have to tell her that you have a thing for her because you trust her, and because your friendship with her is important. Saying that it's not worth having a friendship if you can't bone her means you've stopped caring about her as a person.
If she's got any sort of feelings for you ... she's going to feel respected and loved that you chose to be honest with her, courageous even, because you would be the one taking the hit. If she doesn't and she's your friend, she's going to let you down gently. It's still going to hurt like hell, depending on your temperament, but it'll be temporary.
And dear God man, when she says no, let it be. Ask her how you can be a better friend to her, while still maybe getting some temporary distance. Nothing is worse than you wanting to try to just be her friend, and yet you spend so much time with her that you can't stop thinking about her. Some distance can be good, given that situation.
Do it how legoman suggests. Worst case is that she freaks out and doesn't want to anything to do with you, and hell, if that's her reaction, she isn't a very good friend in the first place.
Middle ground is that she tells you she doesn't see a romantic future with you.... Things are strange for a little while but return to how they where.
Best case is she feels the same way and then well, i'm sure you've thought this part through more than a few times.
Do it, you will regret it if you don't.
I even told her in much the way Legoman suggested. "Look, i have to tell you something, i dont expect that you feel the same..." etc etc. She actually didnt agree right away. Took her a few days to figure out her own feelings, she said it was so unexpected she couldnt process it right away. She didnt know i was interested in that way so hadnt really thought about it before.
Metagame?
Friendzone?
I recognise buzzwords here.
You have a PM.
And based on /..'s previous advice today, you may want to reconsider listening to him.
Ok, here in H/A we offer constructive advice, and I'm sure I've seen more than just this from you.
That being said, it wont murder a friendship if you approach it right, I mean if she's a good friend simply saying "Hey, I want to be more, I don't want to pressure you into it, but that's how I feel" will probably not screw anything up if she says she would rather be friends. If you don't let it be awkward, I doubt it will be, and at least if you try you wont be sitting around thinking "What if....?" all the time.
My advice, take the other advice put forth so far, present it how it is, but give her the chance to exit with keeping you as a friend. Once you know where she stands, it'll be easier for you to move on, and who knows, she might think the same about you. The most important thing is don't present it as an all or nothing, if she absolutely insists she only wants to be friends, leave it at that.
At first, I thought we would just be able to continue the friendship after some time apart, but that did not turn out to be the case. We did see each other, and I thought that when the first feelings of awkwardness had passed that things would return to normal. Instead, things just got weirder with time, but I will not bother you with my story, just wanted to mention it as an illustration that it will change what you have now, and not necessarily for the better. I tried to keep the friendship alive, but the last time I saw her, she was clearly uncomfortable meeting me. I still don't know why things turned out the way they did, but in the end I guess it turned out that she could not handle being friends with me anymore. This hurts a lot, but I guess it is just the way things turn out sometimes....
So, I just wanted to give you an example on what might happen. Would I do the same thing again? I don't know... somehow I want to believe that being honest is always the best thing, but do you value being friends with this girl more than being completely honest? Do you think that she could handle you telling her about your feelings for her? Will your feelings for her pass on their own? If that is the case, might be better to keep your mouth shut, at least if you think that she probably do not feel the same. Bur who knows, things might turn out better for you than they did for me, you are in a better position to judge this than anyone here. Before you do anything drastic, just think things through, something like this will change how you interact, for better or worse. Hope things work out for you!
Firstly, you are obviously really good friends but do you feel a deeper chemistry than that? Do you have any reason to believe she pines for you? It shouldn't be a complete mystery. And don't use things like 'we spend lots of time together' to justify making a move. The defining factor is inbetween moments, the subtle things that pass unspoken (or maybe they are spoken).
If when you think about it she does seem to mirror your gazes and feel your tension, then maybe you have a shot. Instead of just laying it all out there, I would suggesting pursuing her in a more 'natural' way. This gives you the opportunity to pull out before showing your true feelings, and i think it would also increase your chances of success.
https://medium.com/@alascii
1) she feels the same. This will be a huge moment and people I know that have met like this last a while. I met my girl this way and we've been happily married 4 evar.
2) she thinks of you only as a friend. What would your reaction be if your best male friend suddenly said "hey, I love you. want to date?" not nessessarily the kiss of death for the freiendship, but awkward to say the least.
I guess it's not that much help, but there it is.
protip: IMO it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't.
Having been in both the position where I've told a very good female friend i've wanted more, and had her say no, things be awkward for awhile and then eventually returning to normal. And having told a very good female friend I've wanted more and her feeling exactly the same (for awhile... but that's for a different thread
So do something about it, take the risk and gamble that she is emotionally stable enough to deal with whatever happens. It really isnt worth all the not knowing, and most girls are far better equipped mentally to deal with this than you think. Furthermore, once you tell her, even if she says no provided you arent wierd about it all will soon be well and your feelings will soon pass.
- Terms like "friend zone" are unhelpful bullshit. The idea that it's somehow less plausible for romance to bloom from a relationship of mutual trust and respect than from two strangers is absurd. The thing is, it requires a different set of skills and, for obvious reasons, we don't get as much practice at it as we do at charming people in bars.
- This thread shows that confessions of admiration can work, but for the love of god you have to word it carefully. Also there are plenty of people who might find that sort of vulnerability a turn-off in romantic partners - yes, even if five minutes previously he could have told her anything. Different rules. It's up to you to determine (read: guess) what sort of girl she is. At any rate, bullet-point lists and powerpoint presentations full of well-reasoned arguments about why you logically belong together are pretty much guaranteed never to work.
- My suggestion - and what's worked for the couples I know who've made the friend ---> romance jump - is to just contrive to put the two of you in situations where things might happen...late night coffee, drinks at someone's house, whatever...and keep your eyes peeled for an opening. With one couple, two people who'd been best friends since like middle school, it was a New Year's party with a jug of wine. With another, it was a road trip. While I'm not advocating getting anyone wasted, I do think alcohol has utility for this sort of thing because it gives both people a way to save face the next day if things get awkward.
The 'confess undying need but i still respect ourfriendship' is so lacking in smooth.
https://medium.com/@alascii
But still, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
STEAM
There's good advice in this thread.
"Oh what a day, what a LOVELY DAY!"
I think the awkward reaction that stems from these situations comes when the revelation is accompanied by the "I've felt this way and been thinking about it for a while" sort of thing. Because then the other person starts going over events that have happened in the past and wondering what the motivation was (friendship or hard on).
It actually makes a lot of sense the more I think about it. The whole idea is that you're trying to start this relationship with someone you trust. But then saying that you've been feeling a certain way but hadn't informed her of it until now, that's sort of a violation of that trust. Which is detrimental to the relationship, whether she accepts or declines. Hence, things are never the same after.
You're not confessing your undying love.
You're taking her out for dinner, and maybe some dancing if you know how. Movie is good too. Just have fun, don't force it. It'll work itself out. You can't say 'no pressure' and then explode with all sorts of emotion. You're going to have to work at keeping yourself in check... but if you care about her needs and what's best for her more than how you feel, that's going to be worth it.
SHOW HER! Be suave and when a opportunity comes up, plant one right on her lips.
Thanks.
Dancing? That's a date before even talking about the subject, I'd not recommend going that route. I don't know that it's at all necessary(might be a bad idea actually) to set up some romantic situation before having the discussion. Plan out how you want to say it, but I don't think you should set up some elaborate plan for the location or time in which to say it.
STEAM
Man, I suck at self expression.
During the Talk - you're making it clear that you want to see what it'd be like to take her on a date. Maybe it's superawesome you guys get married, maybe it's just OK, maybe nothing changes and you're still friends.
The point is that you're inviting her to go do something with you, not putting her on the spot and demanding a decision about the future of the relationship.
Maybe you should look at how many of her former bf's she's still friends with and how many former gf's you're still friends with, and use that information to determine whether or not admitting and developing an attraction really stands to ruin what you currently have.
Just do what you might normally do when you want a woman to know you are interested. Compliment her, touch her (not inappropriately...), tease her. Flirt with her and gauge the way she reacts. Then after a while, ask her what she thinks about the two of you.
With this you pretty clearly communicate your feelings to her without having to gamble your friendship for it. But trust me, unless you are positive she feels the same way, PLEASE don't tell her you've been in love with her the whole time. Going all "I LOVE YOU AND MUST HAVE MORE OF YOU" is going to have an extremely high probability of failure and has the strong potential of maiming your friendship, while a more casual sort of "You smell nice lets go out on a date" will have a very high success rate with minimal risk.
It's incredibly annoying to have someone tell you that they have a crush on you and then expect you to do something about it. Be proactive!
Also good luck!
If you are mentally prepared for the possible rejection, you definately won't lose your friend just because you wanted to admit the truth to her. And actually, not only did I not lose my friend, but this week she actually called me to admit she had feelings for me. Kind of a weird circle going on.
Can dating your best friend actually work though once you get into the relationship. Well, I've seen very little proof of it, but it is possible.
To approach this, I would suggest thinking about it from her perspective. Think of yourself, and some hypothetical friend you have who is a girl. Think about several possible situations: you like this hypothetical girl, you are neutral towards her, or you really dont like her (in the relationship sort of way). Then imagine this hypothetical girl telling you how she feels. How would you react if you didn't like her and she started blathering on about how madly in love she is with you? Imagine how a hypothetical girl you liked would tell you something like this, and imagine her doing it really smoothly. Model your response after that, it gives you a bit of perspective.
I skipped the whole "confession of feelings" part and went straight to asking her out on a date - this may be very foolish! But she said yes. And then said no a couple days later. So, emotional confusion may be a result. I'm not only bad at romance but also at advice, so I'll just repeat that you should tell her. I've tried it both ways, and being honest really does suck less in the end.
I hope I'm being clear. You're her best-friend right? You should know her reactions to things fairly well by now. Use that knowledge to see how she reacts to you; and minor intimate things like hand touching, arm around the waste, stuff like that.
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There's a reason that you are attracted to this girl, and if she says no, realize that that reason won't magically disappear. I had this happen to me. I asked a friend out, and she said no. Obeying the Golden Rule, that was the end of it from me. However, I went to school with her, and ended up seeing her almost every day for a year and a half. Obviously I was still attracted to her, and spending so much time with her only made the feelings grow. To make it worse, she stayed and is still single the entire time, and often lemented her lack or relationship woes to me. Needless to say, it drove me CRAZY. So be prepared. You will still have to deal with the attraction, and that can SUCK.
You're a very good friend. Most people would just avoid her, especially after the tactless "Omygawd no one wants me and no relationships work out" crap she talks about.
As I type this, though, I realise that I could be giving you false hope: if she says no, you'll just start waiting for the day that she changes her mind. I guess my advice if she says no is "don't wait for her to change her mind, assume that she won't. But don't have a melodramatic explosion of emotion. Stay calm, and don't fuck anything up."
She told me pretty unequivocally that she's not interested.
That's that, I guess.