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Seeing someone who's dying
Tube
Registered User admin
Registered User admin
A close friend of mine is dying in hospital, has maybe two days left, and I wanted to go and see him. His wife has just told me however, that he won't recognise me, can't speak, and looks old and frail. She said to think about whether that's how I want to remember him. I'm not sure.
Thoughts?
Thoughts?
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best wishes whatever you decide, it always sucks no matter what
In the end if you dont go, he wont know anyway, but being that you are close friends his spirit will understand the fact of why you didn't. However, if you can deal with seeing him in that condition, I would do it.
Would you regret not going more?
This doesn't really mean much coming from a forumer here but I wish you would go.
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So, uh. Go see him.
I would personally go and see your friend, simply for a point of 'closure', so to speak. It will be very hard to see your friend in such a state, but it would probably mean the world to him if you met with him again.
As they say, though, death is only easy for the person dying.
To be honest, the impression is that while I'm welcome, she'd rather I didn't.
Good point.
But you're not going to see his wife, you're going to see your friend who is dying. Odds are pretty good that he'd like you to be around while he's on his deathbed.
You won't remember him as a frail, bed-ridden old man, either. It sounds like she doesn't want you to see him for whatever reason, and she's making excuses.
And speaking as someone that's had two family members die and not been able to see them before they went, I can tell you that it's one of those things that'll nag you in the back of your mind years later. I strongly advise going.
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Although he was deeply out of it and hadn't said anything intelligible for days, he was apparently aware of what was going on. He laughed a little once or twice and his wife told us later that as everyone left he called out for everyone by name. Lost him the next day.
There's never one good answer to this. I was not at all worried about how I would remember my friend. I remember him the way he was. I cannot forget the transformation he went through because it was shocking, but that does not diminish the 10 years of memories I have in any way. We did not go to fulfill some personal need, we went to be supportive and to help. If we had in any way felt that we could not do this, we would have left.
My advice would be to go with two caveats. 1) only go if you can see your friend as you always have; if you can't deal with the reality of the situation, don't make things worse. 2) Go for him and his wife and his family, don't go for yourself. If, for whatever reason, you feel like it would be best if you left, then leave happily and know that you did what you could.
So are people. you may run afoul of a nurse, but explaining why you're there ought to give you a pass unless they're total assholes.
They should be cool with it, but it would be easier to ring up and check before hand. In terms of cleanliness I mean as long as you aren't covered in mud they let people into hospitals.
Really it's closure for you and if you can do anything to make his last moments on this planet better for him it's not much effort from you.
Satans..... hints.....
Also many people tend to hold on just to see their friends and loved ones one last time. There was a farmer I know that went to visit his grandmother who had been fairly sick for a while and he hadn't seen her for 5 months he finally go time to see her and she died not 6 hours after seeing him.
Satans..... hints.....
This depends 100% on the circumstance and the nursing staff there at the time. They might be concerned about the noise level (especially if it's a shared room), or that you'll whip it around and catch a cord or an IV tube with the neck. Hospital rooms can be crowded with equipment, people, and stuff, and a big guitar might not be welcome. If he's in ICU, then it might be touchier.
On the other hand, many care professionals can be appreciative of the effort as long as it's not disruptive and will be supportive. I've been in with family members where a strict nurse will strictly enforce the "1 visitor at a time" policy and where another will say "the more support, the better!" Always do your best to let the care staff do their jobs, which means being out of the way when they're in to do their thing.
So, there's a chance it will be OK and a chance that it won't. Bring it with you, but ask the duty nurse on his ward before you actually bring it in.
This, I don't know if I'd bother with. Hospitals in the UK are ridiculous with sterility and isolation what with all the superbugs kicking about at the moment. Can you sing?
Also, i don't know how out of it your friend is, but when my gran was in hospital the thing she wanted most was to hear news form the outside. Just stuff like what we were up to and stuff. She didn't want us sitting there pitying her, she wanted to take her mind off being inside the hospital. Even if he can't respond but is at least conscious of your presence hearing about crap like your students' boyfriend troubles and general shoot the shit stuff will probably be good stuff.
However, you might want to ask his wife if she would prefer to be alone with him when it happens, if I had to guess, I would say that's why she said what she said.
Also, for what it's worth, I'm sorry. And you sound like a good friend.
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On the subject of if to go or not, I was glad I went to see him the day he died. He was in a terrible state, with tubes everywhere and he didn't respond to anything I said but there's something nice about seeing him one last time before the end. Just to say what I wanted to say in case he could understand/hear me.
If I were you, I'd do it. If you don't go, I think you'll regret it.
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Ok, but take a CD as a back up why not.
I've seen a lot of death at the ICU I work at - at least a lot more than I thought I ever would. I've never had anyone say they regret coming to see their loved one. It's a time for quite reflection I do believe it helps with grieving.
I'm sorry for your loss, Tube.
There was also another time when my aunt kicked me out of her house on christmas eve, because my stepson is half black. After all the hoopla that night my great grandmother broke her hip and died within a week. Once again I couldn't say goodbye or even go to the funeral, because that section of family blamed me for bringing my son to meet her (of course I know better, my G Grandmother had a big heart and wanted meet him). I had to visit her grave about 1 week after the funeral to finally pay my respects.
The whole point I'm trying to make is: loose ends are never a good thing. Go there, see your friend, tell him goodbye. Don't let this plague you for the rest of your life. Don't worry about the last memories, because your friend is always going to have a special place in your heart.
This is what I came here to say. I would like to think that my close friends would visit me on my deathbed regardless of my physical appearance and mental status.
Besides, regardless of his condition, it's up to you how you remember him. You can see a person at their worst but still remember them for their best.
In my experience, that's a bullshit excuse by people that are too afraid to be around dying people. My grandfather, after five months of cancer was the same way, but you know how I remember him? Fat, happy, and telling stories that everybody has already heard a dozen times.
Go see your friend.
It could be one of the worst decisions I've ever made, something I regret deeply now, like 7 years later.
In ICU people get private rooms, this is almost universal as the nursing ratios are regulated based on the condition of the person being cared for. Thus, in ICU it's one nurse for every 2 people (or 3, depending on your state). Most of the time, these are nurses who have seen it all and wont care if you come and enjoy spending some time with your friend.
Hospital rooms do have doors, and most of the time you're welcome to close them. I can't honestly see some quiet jazz bothering a single person there. In fact, a lot of people in hospitals appreciate anything at all that shows there are people out there who care. Total strangers will sit together and talk in waiting rooms and such.
Your best bet would be to find out his room, figure out when you plan on going, calling the floor and asking who is on staff to cover your friend, and then asking that person directly.
I am sorry about your friend, but even if he doesn't know who you are, he can know you're someone who cares.
Edit: I also agree with the above that seeing your friend is a good idea.
I agree with this. I don't think of my dad in the state he was in when he died, but as he was before he got really sick.
edit: *facepalm* not to the second post...
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