The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Make me better in bed!
cinnamon
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Sorry about the alt, but this is mildly embarassing.
I've been with my girlfriend for a reasonably long time. We've been sleeping together for a few weeks. There haven't been any complaints, but I'm quite aware that it could be better for her.
Besides things which I think are just going to take time like learning the little things that she likes etc (although anything to help in general with that would be appreciated too!), what really worries me is how long I last. I have absolutely no problem getting off, I'm sure that's not surprising. But I find that after a reasonable amount of foreplay, I'm so excited that generally I'll barely last through a couple of minutes, if that, of penetration before I need to either stop and just back off, or orgasm. Before this relationship, I was sleeping with a girl for almost a year, with the same problem.
Watching porn (I know, this isn't any kind of way to educate myself about sex, but it has to be at least somewhat accurate, right?), I get the impression that most guys can just go at it for as long as they want, or at least for several minutes longer than I can before approaching orgasm. Am I expecting too much from myself or am I way too easily aroused?
Either way. I would like to be able to last at least a bit longer, if not a lot longer, during actual penetration. She seems to like it.. I just want to be able to give her more than a couple of minutes >.<
I've been with my girlfriend for a reasonably long time. We've been sleeping together for a few weeks. There haven't been any complaints, but I'm quite aware that it could be better for her.
Besides things which I think are just going to take time like learning the little things that she likes etc (although anything to help in general with that would be appreciated too!), what really worries me is how long I last. I have absolutely no problem getting off, I'm sure that's not surprising. But I find that after a reasonable amount of foreplay, I'm so excited that generally I'll barely last through a couple of minutes, if that, of penetration before I need to either stop and just back off, or orgasm. Before this relationship, I was sleeping with a girl for almost a year, with the same problem.
Watching porn (I know, this isn't any kind of way to educate myself about sex, but it has to be at least somewhat accurate, right?), I get the impression that most guys can just go at it for as long as they want, or at least for several minutes longer than I can before approaching orgasm. Am I expecting too much from myself or am I way too easily aroused?
Either way. I would like to be able to last at least a bit longer, if not a lot longer, during actual penetration. She seems to like it.. I just want to be able to give her more than a couple of minutes >.<
cinnamon on
0
Posts
Let me repeat that.
Porn. Is. Not. An. Accurate. Way. Of. Assessing. What. Sex. Should. Be. Like.
It puts the wrong ideas in people's head about the "ideal" form of sex; i.e. guy lasts as long as he wants, girl gets off relatively quickly, they enjoy every position, there is lots of moaning and screaming, etc. etc. it's all ridiculous.
Take your time.
As for the porn thing, alot of women don't like going for hours. It can hurt. Sex for women is a radically different experience than it is for men. This is actually a common conversation according to Dr. Drew of Love Line.
"It was the best sex I'd ever had."
"Did you climax?"
"No."
This is worth quoting all on its own.
Anyway, solutions to your problem:
Long-term: Do Kegel exercises.
Short-term: Try to find positions where you last longer. Distract yourself, try to think of something else during intercourse. Go down on her more before you actually penetrate.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Calm down. The minute you start stressing about things during and surrounding sex is the second you make those fears come true. What's sex about aside from procreation? Enjoying yourself and enjoying your partner (please don't harp on this point, it's too broad a topic to generalize, and I understand that).
So, do this, enjoy your partner, enjoy the feeling, don't focus on it. Women can do the same thing: sometimes they want to come to make you enjoy sex better and they'll focus on orgasm to the exclusion of enjoying the actual sensory stimulus and will, thereby, not orgasm, and often times their bodies will react to the sudden disregard for the sensation and tense up, and often go dry.
But, as a confidence booster, don't be afraid to bring her to climax using fingers/tongues/whatever when you feel the need to pull out because you're too close to coming. Seriously, pull out, but keep things interesting and enter again once you're ready.
Also, some guys masturbate first and then engage in intercourse because they say it helps them last longer; ymmv. If you can get up and go shortly after you come then keep at it; you don't have to be 1:1 for orgasms.
Ryan M Long Photography
Buy my Prints!
Not to mention the myth that women like it when the male ejaculates all over their face. Believe it or not, some consider it demeaning.
As far as being better, every partner is different and just do trial and error until you know what she likes, how she likes it, etc. And then improve on such actions. Just like anything else, practice does make perfect.
No... not really accurate at all.
I mean, when was the last time you walked in on a random group of hot chicks, whipped it out, and had them fall over it?
In all seriousness, it's all about communicating with your partner and finding out what she's into, what you're into, where the 2 intersect, and how you can (eventually) push each others boundaries a bit out of a vanilla comfort zone [unless you're both completely happy with vanilla, in which case more power to you].
This is not to say that women do not like climaxing, or prefer not climaxing, or that you should not try to make them climax.
Is it wrong that a sex thread made me crave ice cream?
As I've had occasion to comment in another thread, lasting long isn't all it's cracked up to be. Be more creative with your mouth, tongue, and fingers, and whatever else you think she might enjoy. You have many many tools at your disposal to use for her pleasure, and it behooves you to learn how to use them. That's one area in which porn may be useful, if you guys can have open discussions about sex -- you can watch stuff together to get ideas for what might be fun to try out. Just don't pop any surprises, like sticking your finger in her butt without warning or something. My point is, you don't need marathon jackhammer sex for her to enjoy herself.
People fall over my equipment all over the time. Sometimes I leave it lying around. Causes trainwrecks.
On a more serious note, try varying your stroke.
The penis responds well to consistency. Thats why when masturbating you don't vary your technique. You just do what works...tight grip, up and down.
Try moving in and out in a circle pattern...its hard to describe but you might get it. Angle your hips to the right, and as you enter, rotate them to the left, then rotate back to the right on the way out. Try a few shallow thrusts, then one balls-deep thrust all the way in. Not only will this vary the sensations for you, it will take a little bit of concentration, especially if you try to think of other ways to do it as well, and that will get your mind off how close you are.
Its also amazing for the girl, because you will hit all kinds of different spots inside her. Depending on the curve of your penis, you may even be able to hit the g-spot in normal missionary using some of these methods.
No.
I will add though...if you have trouble lasting, don't use positions where she controls the pace for too long. Cowboy, reverse cowboy, things like that, because she'll grind on you, you'll go AAAAH and it'll all be over. You need to control the pacing.
Might I also suggest practising lasting longer while masturbating? Bring yourself right to the edge of orgasm, and see if you can pull yourself away from it.
There's also a muscle you can train. Its called the PCP muscle I believe, and its the muscle thats right on your "taint" (the spot between your sack and your butthole). Its the muscle you use when you're going potty. To test if you're flexing the right muscle, put your finger on your taint and flex. If you feel it flex, then you've got the right one.
Now, the exercises are pretty simple. Contract the PCP muscle...hold it for 10 seconds, then release. Do that ten times, and do that set of ten about four-five times a day.
The stronger your PCP muscle is, the easier you can bring yourself back from the edge of orgasm. Keep practising doing it in masturbation sessions while you're doing these exercises, and you'll slowly notice it becoming easier and easier to bring yourself back.
Spend time setting the mood.... give her as much attention as possible. Concentrate on doing things to her, even while having sex, so all of your focus is not on you. Use protection (if you're not already, then do it!) A lot of condoms come with climax control gels that basically novacane the ol' junk so that you can't feel as much, but you still shouldn't have a problem getting there..
You should only need to do this once, and then use what you've learnt every night after. She will then feel comfortable telling you things later, so you'll continue to learn later, without specifically setting out to learn.
Hope that makes sense. Basically, have one night that's all about her, with no actual sex. Enjoy!
This will make you both more comfortable, which women absolutely love. If you make her comfortable and both explore and find what you enjoy, it'll be very rewarding.
Remember, comfort, and communication, are key.
If you do want to make the actual pumping away bits last longer, enlist her help! All you have to say is "I wanna take my time with you tonight" or something sexy like that and ask her to make sure you guys keep switching it up. Like, a minute or two of in-and-out, a minute of kissing, rub her clit while you're inside her, rubbing your bodies together, whatever. Just break up the routine a little.
I just want you to know, I'm stealing this idea.
Yeah its amazing how quickly a girl can get sore...ever since I realised that a girl was usually sore long before I was done I started trying to find thinner condoms, and finding ways to make myself finish faster, because as much as she was enjoying it, I was less and less interested in sex because I wasn't getting anything out of it.
to the OP:
Trust me on this. If you can maybe up your duration to 10-15 minutes, and in that time, either make a girl climax, or help to to climax before you actually have sex, you will never get any complaints about your sexual prowess. Ever.
It all differs with the girl as well (graphic details time!). One of my ex partners, some three and a bit years back got INCREDIBLY wet, like the kind of squirting wet you see in various types of adult films and this really really made me last longer. I think it was the lack of friction to be honest.
My current gf was a bit more in-experienced in that field (only one previous partner...that sounds like a car advert) and she was quite...tight. I found I didn't last anywhere near as long with her until I got used to it and she, for want of a better word, slackened up a bit. Now we're back to lasting a normal amount of time.
But don't believe guys can last for an hour or so, you'll find both of you will be bored by then. Hell, I think 15minutes would be the maximum before I got bored from actual sex. Foreplay though, hell, that can go on forever
PSN: SirGrinchX
Oculus Rift: Sir_Grinch
Gross details ahoy!
Depending on the batch / how you're feeling / phases of the moon / prescence of bread in the room they either make you lose enough sensation to last a long time leading to a quite satisfying "bloody hell, finally" ending, give you a slight weird tingle that makes you only last a couple of minutes over or cut off all feeling whatsoever so it's just like you're blindly pumping away with no sensation whatsoever. And that is absolutely terrifying when it happens.
"FOREPLAY"
Seriously. I'm impressed with call of communication - that definitely golden info. Sensual massage, feather traced on her body (alternatively a very light finger) all good. Remember - "a good soldier doesn't go into battle holding just his rifle". Mix it up. Mouth, hands etc.
Well done for wanting to help her enjoy it - but approach the challenge as something fun you guys can do together.
Also - as for the mental side... Try thinking about something else - not very romantic, I know, but there have been times where thinking about a work project/meeting etc has really helped me.
1. If you're certain you're gonna hook up try jerking off before you meet her again.
2. Just because you cum doesn't mean you can't go again. Drink water and give yourself some time.
3. You can learn somethings from porn though most of the positions are made just for the camera. Others are fun between two people, see what you like and try it out.
So you ejaculate in two minutes after heavy foreplay session - whats the big deal. Happwens to most people. I don't even consider that the real climax. After ejaculating hopefully you are still erect (you should be, even if it feels you are losing it - you arent); have her massage your scrotum to maintain contact and intimacy (and of course arousal), and then when you get over the sensitivity at the tip of the penis - go again. . .you shouldn't ejecaluate as soon, and whats better - when you do, your sensitivity shouldn't be a problem and you should be able to continue.
Or - get the first climax out of the way, by having her stroke you off, or grinding on you with the intent to make you ejaculate.
Once you do that a few times, and get into that understanding that you haven't lost your erection and you just need a bit of post ejeculation attention - you'll be good to go.
Also, alcohol. Works wonders for a persons anxiety and helps them focus on the task at hand - enjoying the sweaty naked flesh of another person.
Kegel exercises: great idea
Switching positions in bed every few minutes: awesome idea
I'll add my advice: do kegels ALL THE TIME (the simple flex of that muscle can be done sitting in a chair and it's completely unnoticeable- I'm doing it now :P). Are you in school? In an office? Do them at your desk while you work. Getting that muscle as strong as possible will only help your endurance.
Also, someone mentioned jerking off, then stopping right before you climax to control it- I'd say, climax, and hold that shit in with those kegels. Hold that shit, dude. Best exercise is the hardest.
When it comes down to the horizontal disco, your cock isn't the only thing you should be concerned with: use them digits, and work your tongue. Change up your stroke tempo too.. start slow, go really fast for a few seconds then ease back down, then work your way back up. See how she responds to judge what she likes. One thing I love doing is mid-stroke, pull out, and go down on her. She won't expect it at all. Get into it, too, and as soon as she's like "oh, this is nice"- get right back in there, maybe changing the positions around.
When it comes down to it, you can always just start up, blow your load, go down on her for like, 5-15 minutes while you recover, then once your boneski pops back up, start up round 2- you'll last waaaay longer. Good luck, sailor.
Be Gradual: Foreplay is important. Female arousal is a series of physical reactions to stimuli with all sorts of changes occuring (shifts in blood flow, breast swelling, lubricant production, clitoral exposure, release of oxytocin in the brain, and increases in muscle tension are some of these) and needs to be built up. It is a linear process and things can mess it up. Like I was saying above, if she feels sexy, this process will go quicker and more smoothly. It also really better for both of you if she's pretty warmed up before you do the dirty, whatever form that may take. Rushing things when it comes to intercourse is bad, unless you know her really well. She might love being suddenly kissed against a wall and being felt up, but that doesn't mean you should rush onward after that.
If you don't like that touchy-feely shit, that's cool. But acknowledge that by and large women do. Whether you fake it or mean it is up to you, but it makes a difference.
I also guess that you could "practice." You could jerk your gherkin with endurance in mind, practicing breathing or thinking in ways that might slow your climax. I dunno anything about that stuff, or if it works, though. It stands to reason that you could condition yourself to last longer through practicing though.
Not only that, but they only appear to last 20-30 minutes through the power of editing. If they're getting close, they take a break just like anyone else.
1.) Kegels help enormously.
2.) Vary your pace. I last half an hour with varying the pace, but if my gf is simply in the mood to get bent over a bed and railed, it'll be 4-5 minutes. Amusingly enough, she feels really good about it, in a 'she made me lose control' way.
3.) Stimulate her, connect with her, make sure she enjoys herself, and equally importantly that you enjoy yourself. Climax is not the be all, end all of the sex act. If one of you isn't enjoying yourself, neither is.
4.) Practice penetrative, relaxing positions. I don't know what you or your girlfriend is into, but try laying on your back, having her mount you in standard cowgirl position, and relax like that. Slow movements, muscle contractions, find out what twitch makes her lips part with surprise and pleasure. Get comfortable with her, and don't worry about in-and-out, just be there, with her, right then.
5.) Porn is not, in any way, shape, or form, indictive of real life sex. None whatsoever. I had performance anxiety that stopped me from losing my virginity until I was [age deleted for my own sanity, suffice it to say, higher than 18]. Watch a porno with an analytical mind. Everytime a splice/scene shift happens, it's because one of the actors, most likely the male, needed a break.
6.) Foreplay foreplay foreplay. It doesn't even have to be touching one another. In fact, the best foreplay can be done in public. Talk about sex, talk about what your partner enjoys, be evocative with your language. Find out what little touches she likes. Does brushing against the back of her neck make her want to jump you in the middle of the restaurant? Get her to tell you what touches send her soaring.
7.) Branch out from vanilla, if and only if she is comfortable with the idea.
8.) Take a day where you just tease her, flirt with her. Act like it's the first date all over again. No sex, no nibbling, maybe chaste kisses on the lips. Next time you see her one of you will be liable to pounce the other, and chances are you'll be the recipient.
9.) Most importantly, have fun. Obviously you like each other, or else you wouldn't be having these concerns at all. The fact that you want to please her is 99% of what you need to please her, the details are the 1%.
As a side question, are you circumcised? It seems that people that aren't cut tend to get off more quickly than those that are cut (more nerves to enjoy the sensations).
Foreplay more. Foreplay, petting, licking, kissing, oral, rimming (if you are both into that), and such are great ways to get her in the zone. Experiment but don't push it unless you spoil the mood. Choose when to experiment too. When she can't stand it, when she wants you in her, she will make SURE you know she wants it.
Have fun. After you do it once, chances are, it will take longer to release the second time. Because of that, go for another round (or two, or more).
If you are having trouble in bed completely focus on getting her off and try to ignore how much fun you are having. Thats not to say focus on the orgasm above all else. But rather MAKE her enjoyment more important than your own.
Everyone that has mentioned foreplay is right. But take charge of it. I keep a large alarm clock on my bed and have come to pace myself by it. You start with the kissing and what nots and after 5 minutes your wang is like ok thats enough lets go. But you have to be able to say NO 5 more minutes. And you have the clock there to back you up.
Then you can switch to other presex warm ups like oral or hand. I have found that even if you have zero idea of what you are doing down below there is an easy trick that works very well. Without getting too graphic trace the letters of the alphabet with your tongue. Go slowly but deliberately through each letter upper case. If you do it right most chicks will orgasm by Q. Infact its kind of fun after you have done this to a few because you can categorize them by their orgasm letter. But i digress. ALso while you are doing this do not be sitting on your hands they can work all kinds of spots in the 5 -10 minutes of face time.
If you or her arnt into oral use your hand while you are kissing her. You dont need to shove it up there and root around for change. Have her lay on her back and massage the inner things. Those things are sensitive see how fast you get a boner if she puts her hand there. And when she looks ready for more slowly curl your finger across her anatomy. you dont have to do it hard or deep just with a gentle motion that slowly accelerates. Do this while kissing her or playing with her boobs or whatever and you both will have fun.
This can also lead into the oral later you dont have to start with either.
So lets say you gave her a back rub for 5 minutes kissed for 5 minutes and then go down on her for 5 minutes. You have just had a solid 15 minutes of foreplay and your pants are still on. Take charge of it and if she try to bring it back to you during this dont let her. Just tell her its your turn and you want to do something nice for her and when you are done she can do what ever she wants. I promise if you do it right she will be so ready to explode after 15-20 minutes of this the sex wont have to last more than 5 minutes.
About lasting longer a lot of the previous suggestions about technique and condoms are right on. Those definitely help. But mental attitude can help alot. I definitely last longer now than i did when i was say 18. The first few times especially with someone new you are so excited its like shooting a cannon with 2 extra bags of powder you go off like a rocket. But if you focus on the girl. And make it about her you stop thinking about yourself and think Hmm she seems to like this what should I be doing with my hands. Ok she likes that what can i be doing with my wang. And just vary it up. I no kidding sometimes make it like a video game. Ok this is going alright what if i grab her boobs while doing it. OH SHE MOANED 10 POINTS!
Always have your hands and wang engaged and if you cant because of position use your mouth. Whisper something dirty in her ear to take your mind off of the fact that OMG IM BONING HOT CHICKS! because once that is all you are thinking about its off to the races.
Hope that helps.
I don't understand why the Japanese have that fetish O_o
I can't lime this any harder. Girls like it (at least the ones I've been with) when you focus on them. That way, when it's your turn, they make you feel good because you took the time to do that for her.
I had a C girl once.
Just to clarify, do you use the variation where you trace the letters just on the clitoris, or over the whole anatomy?
This might work for some girls, but I can definitely tell if someone's doing the alphabet thing, and it's so ridiculously contrived and unsexy that it ruins the mood. Plus, the slow and deliberate thing? Ick, not my style. The point is, there's no one trick that works for everyone; you have to talk to her and ask her how she likes it. Some girls love slow lovemaking, flowers on the bed, hours of foreplay, etc., but some girls like it fast and rough; some of us love to be held down and talked dirty to, and some are gonna freak out at that sort of thing. You absolutely have to ask.