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Between a rock and a hard place.
alteration
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm posting this under an alt account mostly because I don't want this ever tied to my account or real name for those that know me or might stalk me here. I did receive permission to do so.
My life is kind of fucked up, so much so that sometimes I believe it is beyond repair. I've never really had a real relationship and being the age that I am I worry that I just won't know what to do when I actually have one. I'm not a virgin but I might as well be with the limited sexual experience I have. I fucked up my school career despite being rather intelligent (this is not just my opinion; I've been in the "gifted" programs all the way back to 1st grade and received quite a bit of praise for my academics in the past), but my educational career plummeted in college as did any ambition I might have had...though frankly I don't ever remember being ambitious in grammar school or high school...it was all mind-numbingly easy so I think I never needed any ambition to do well. Actually I believe it was the last year of high school that I just fell completely apart. This is almost a decade ago now, but
I'm not sure any of that is relevant. I'm just giving a short history of why I am what I am. I'm not blaming anything or anyone but myself. I fucked my own life up. But knowing that doesn't unfuck my life. I am what I am and it is what it is.
I wish I could just sit back and let things roll over me. But I cannot. Ever. I was never really aware of my anxiety issues until recently but now that I am it all just seems to collect in some kind of anxiety reservoir in my chest and I just cannot act. At all. I cannot do anything. I was like this before I realized this is what was going on with me. It's how my college career fell apart. I would spend every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment wondering and worrying about the most extraneous and unimportant things and I let these things rule my emotions and my actions (which manifested as complete inaction, total shutdown; I essentially became inert).
I don't really enjoy anything except socializing but whenever I do I cannot help but feel...something. It's not jealousy and it's not envy. It's regret, I think. I can actually socialize pretty well on a superficial level. I'm not bad at bringing people together, organizing stuff, talking to girls, talking to other guys about topics I know a lot or even nothing about, and so on. I don't really have social anxiety in that regard. I don't mind mixing in. But I see these people I interact with superficially slink back into their corners at the end of every night with people that they have real relationships with, intimate relationships - and by that I do not mean sexual pairings, but rather close friendships (and, of course, sexual partnerships).
It's very difficult for me to actually have an intimate relationship. I really just don't know how to develop one. Every time I try I end up squeezing too much or I'm too detached. I can never seem to find that midpoint.
I thought I had this time but I feel my friend slipping away from me and I don't know what to do and by god I feel nothing but anxious all the time now and it's because of this friend.
To get this out of the way, there is no romantic interest between this friend and I. That is definitely not what this is about.
Now, this friend and I managed to develop a friendship rather slowly over the period of a few months. I have a hard time trusting people, and apparently so does this friend. The thing is, I'm always willing to trust. But actual trust that I can trust in (kind of weird to talk about trusting in trust, but I don't know how else to explain it) is hard to come by. Actually I think it's like this: by default I give people the benefit of the doubt in most respects. This could be construed as a superficial level of trust. Actual important trust comes far later and with great difficulty. I rarely trust anyone to this degree. I certainly don't even trust my family to this degree. Not anymore. But that's another story. I trust maybe two people in this non-superficial way and that is not an exaggeration. I mean a literal two people. I'm not sure I ever trusted anyone else, really.
It's hard for me to keep this devoid of detail but still paint a descriptive enough picture that you can advise me.
The thing is this: with all my past, failed attempts at various types of relationships (romantic, platonic, etc.), I've developed this excessive paranoia, especially at being disincluded and ignored. The disinclusion is a real issue, but this being ignored is...well, it's really the main problem here when you come to it. I cannot...I just cannot stand being ignored. Every time I send an email and I don't get a response, I dwell on it for days. Days. Maybe weeks. It eats at me. One unrejoined transmission can kill me.
Not with everyone, of course, because I would have undoubtedly thrown myself off a bridge by now. It's only like this when I actually care what the other person thinks.
The thing is, I'm smart enough to comprehend that this is just paranoia, and all that implies: that any negative implications I read into not receiving an answer is most-likely due to the other person being busy or some kind of network trouble or whatever. But when I ask a question and don't get an answer and see the person send someone else a message on some bulletin board, then I start to go into paranoia overdrive.
The problem is, I know how this tends to end up. I crush the person with my paranoia. I don't...I can't do that anymore. But there's really nowhere else to go but to eat the paranoia and process it, synthesize it, let it go into that black hole in my stomach and rattle around like Pac-Man until there's no more dots to eat. But that whole process is excruciating and long.
I don't want to burden my friend with my problems. But my friend's apparent unwillingness to spend time with me anymore and the fact that my friend does not return certain communications I send (and trust me, I do not sense obsessive, daily communications or anything like that) is literally driving me crazy.
It's at the very unhealthy point now where the only thing that pulls me out of this doldrum is my friend reaching back out to communicate with me. Sometimes when I just can't take it anymore, I'll send some perfunctory email out or something trying to force a response, which I fucking hate doing. But sometimes my friend will just contact me out of the blue. And then my friend will go back to not contacting me at all.
So basically, right now, my life is more or less existing between the rare moments where my friend validates our friendship and the larger issue is that in doing so my friend actually validates my existence because I really don't see any reason to exist for myself at this point. I really do think of my self and my life as a complete failure so without some kind of external validation or at least ATTENTION, I am just stuck with my self, my thoughts, my past, my regrets, and my loneliness, and any one of those things is enough to break me. I really don't like myself at all. It's important to hear that someone else actually likes me. I know that sounds so lame. I know it does. I hate writing it, I hate thinking it, but it's the truth.
I know this is probably classic craziness but I just don't know what to do anymore. The problem I have is just not going away.
I don't want to burden my friend with any of this. My friend has enough to deal with already. This is a huge burden for me already so I can only imagine how it might be for my friend if I tell my friend that my friend's lack of validation is the reason I am anxious all the time. It's not right to do this to my friend. It's not my friend's obligation to validate my existence or erase my anxieties.
But I feel like I'm being slowly crushed and I just don't know what to do. I'm a real fucking mess and something needs to change. No, I'm not at all suicidal before anyone starts to worry. I've become used to this kind of cycle of anxiety and release, anxiety and release, anxiety and release for...well, a long time now. But I really just don't want to feel this way anymore. Life is too valuable to spend it feeling like a useless piece of nothingness all the time, valid only if other people give a shit about you.
I want to give a shit about myself.
But I admit I also want to know my friend gives a shit about me.
What the fuck do I do?
(P.S. "Seek professional help" is obvious. I'm working on that. That's not really what I'm looking for, but I appreciate that advice anyway, in advance.)
My life is kind of fucked up, so much so that sometimes I believe it is beyond repair. I've never really had a real relationship and being the age that I am I worry that I just won't know what to do when I actually have one. I'm not a virgin but I might as well be with the limited sexual experience I have. I fucked up my school career despite being rather intelligent (this is not just my opinion; I've been in the "gifted" programs all the way back to 1st grade and received quite a bit of praise for my academics in the past), but my educational career plummeted in college as did any ambition I might have had...though frankly I don't ever remember being ambitious in grammar school or high school...it was all mind-numbingly easy so I think I never needed any ambition to do well. Actually I believe it was the last year of high school that I just fell completely apart. This is almost a decade ago now, but
I'm not sure any of that is relevant. I'm just giving a short history of why I am what I am. I'm not blaming anything or anyone but myself. I fucked my own life up. But knowing that doesn't unfuck my life. I am what I am and it is what it is.
I wish I could just sit back and let things roll over me. But I cannot. Ever. I was never really aware of my anxiety issues until recently but now that I am it all just seems to collect in some kind of anxiety reservoir in my chest and I just cannot act. At all. I cannot do anything. I was like this before I realized this is what was going on with me. It's how my college career fell apart. I would spend every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment wondering and worrying about the most extraneous and unimportant things and I let these things rule my emotions and my actions (which manifested as complete inaction, total shutdown; I essentially became inert).
I don't really enjoy anything except socializing but whenever I do I cannot help but feel...something. It's not jealousy and it's not envy. It's regret, I think. I can actually socialize pretty well on a superficial level. I'm not bad at bringing people together, organizing stuff, talking to girls, talking to other guys about topics I know a lot or even nothing about, and so on. I don't really have social anxiety in that regard. I don't mind mixing in. But I see these people I interact with superficially slink back into their corners at the end of every night with people that they have real relationships with, intimate relationships - and by that I do not mean sexual pairings, but rather close friendships (and, of course, sexual partnerships).
It's very difficult for me to actually have an intimate relationship. I really just don't know how to develop one. Every time I try I end up squeezing too much or I'm too detached. I can never seem to find that midpoint.
I thought I had this time but I feel my friend slipping away from me and I don't know what to do and by god I feel nothing but anxious all the time now and it's because of this friend.
To get this out of the way, there is no romantic interest between this friend and I. That is definitely not what this is about.
Now, this friend and I managed to develop a friendship rather slowly over the period of a few months. I have a hard time trusting people, and apparently so does this friend. The thing is, I'm always willing to trust. But actual trust that I can trust in (kind of weird to talk about trusting in trust, but I don't know how else to explain it) is hard to come by. Actually I think it's like this: by default I give people the benefit of the doubt in most respects. This could be construed as a superficial level of trust. Actual important trust comes far later and with great difficulty. I rarely trust anyone to this degree. I certainly don't even trust my family to this degree. Not anymore. But that's another story. I trust maybe two people in this non-superficial way and that is not an exaggeration. I mean a literal two people. I'm not sure I ever trusted anyone else, really.
It's hard for me to keep this devoid of detail but still paint a descriptive enough picture that you can advise me.
The thing is this: with all my past, failed attempts at various types of relationships (romantic, platonic, etc.), I've developed this excessive paranoia, especially at being disincluded and ignored. The disinclusion is a real issue, but this being ignored is...well, it's really the main problem here when you come to it. I cannot...I just cannot stand being ignored. Every time I send an email and I don't get a response, I dwell on it for days. Days. Maybe weeks. It eats at me. One unrejoined transmission can kill me.
Not with everyone, of course, because I would have undoubtedly thrown myself off a bridge by now. It's only like this when I actually care what the other person thinks.
The thing is, I'm smart enough to comprehend that this is just paranoia, and all that implies: that any negative implications I read into not receiving an answer is most-likely due to the other person being busy or some kind of network trouble or whatever. But when I ask a question and don't get an answer and see the person send someone else a message on some bulletin board, then I start to go into paranoia overdrive.
The problem is, I know how this tends to end up. I crush the person with my paranoia. I don't...I can't do that anymore. But there's really nowhere else to go but to eat the paranoia and process it, synthesize it, let it go into that black hole in my stomach and rattle around like Pac-Man until there's no more dots to eat. But that whole process is excruciating and long.
I don't want to burden my friend with my problems. But my friend's apparent unwillingness to spend time with me anymore and the fact that my friend does not return certain communications I send (and trust me, I do not sense obsessive, daily communications or anything like that) is literally driving me crazy.
It's at the very unhealthy point now where the only thing that pulls me out of this doldrum is my friend reaching back out to communicate with me. Sometimes when I just can't take it anymore, I'll send some perfunctory email out or something trying to force a response, which I fucking hate doing. But sometimes my friend will just contact me out of the blue. And then my friend will go back to not contacting me at all.
So basically, right now, my life is more or less existing between the rare moments where my friend validates our friendship and the larger issue is that in doing so my friend actually validates my existence because I really don't see any reason to exist for myself at this point. I really do think of my self and my life as a complete failure so without some kind of external validation or at least ATTENTION, I am just stuck with my self, my thoughts, my past, my regrets, and my loneliness, and any one of those things is enough to break me. I really don't like myself at all. It's important to hear that someone else actually likes me. I know that sounds so lame. I know it does. I hate writing it, I hate thinking it, but it's the truth.
I know this is probably classic craziness but I just don't know what to do anymore. The problem I have is just not going away.
I don't want to burden my friend with any of this. My friend has enough to deal with already. This is a huge burden for me already so I can only imagine how it might be for my friend if I tell my friend that my friend's lack of validation is the reason I am anxious all the time. It's not right to do this to my friend. It's not my friend's obligation to validate my existence or erase my anxieties.
But I feel like I'm being slowly crushed and I just don't know what to do. I'm a real fucking mess and something needs to change. No, I'm not at all suicidal before anyone starts to worry. I've become used to this kind of cycle of anxiety and release, anxiety and release, anxiety and release for...well, a long time now. But I really just don't want to feel this way anymore. Life is too valuable to spend it feeling like a useless piece of nothingness all the time, valid only if other people give a shit about you.
I want to give a shit about myself.
But I admit I also want to know my friend gives a shit about me.
What the fuck do I do?
(P.S. "Seek professional help" is obvious. I'm working on that. That's not really what I'm looking for, but I appreciate that advice anyway, in advance.)
alteration on
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You know you have issues, and you know you need professional help.
So, what are you looking for from people here?
1) Life advice. I might be able to get help with my anxiety with a psychologist/psychiatrist but, no offense to the profession or the concept of therapy, I very much don't consider them life-experts in all respects. So, really, I'm looking for advice in general about how I can get back on track. These problems are personal and historical and are not going to go away with therapy and/or medication alone just as a corpulent person isn't going to just get better by taking diet pills. They need to change their diet too. So basically I'm looking for a new life-diet...perspectives, advice, suggestions, et cetera on what I can do to unfuck my life in ways that are external to my own mental issues.
2) Perspective on if I should approach my friend with any of this or not. And this is really what I'm mostly asking about. Am I right in that I shouldn't even mention any of this to my friend? Do I owe it to my friend to mention it, as it would be more honest? Or would honesty just be an excuse in this case, to dump my problems on my friend's lap? Etc. etc. Perspectives on all this is what I am looking for.
3) I just wanted to put all this in print, really. It was poisoning my brain and putting it on paper (or a message board) at least gives my thoughts some kind of external reality that I can attack. It's hard to attack your own thoughts when they're locked in your head.
2) This has nothing to do with your friend. Nothing at all. If they don't want to respond to you, that's their business. The pain that causes you, that's outside of normal response. Something therapy would help.
3) I'd print it and give it to the therapist you're going to see. Help them help you and all.
also - Life isn't all fun and games, but it's not supposed to be a black pit. it'll get better. believe it.
If anyone has anything else to say in any other vein, I'd appreciate it. Otherwise, please just don't. This thread is not to convince me to seek professional help or to try to prove to me that it's a good idea. I'm going to do that, but I'm here looking for normal, layman advice from other non-professionals.
Thanks for your time.
You paint a bleak picture, one that cries out, over and over, it is beyond some typical life advice - and yet you expect people to ignore that.
My advice: Don't expect people to care enough to read and post without making the obvious, and helpful, suggestion. Your stigma of therapy coupled with your situation that appears to demand it, really are at conflict.
And yes, reach out to your friend. You'd be foolish not to. It is not your friends goal to take away your anxiety or fix this for you, indeed you will learn only you can do that, even if your friend wanted to do it for you. Instead, your friend is there to provide a safe haven and support as you, hopefully, begin realizing that you can and will get yourself back on track.
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
The only thing I can add apart from that is something that would work for me. Your life sounds pretty stagnant, have you considered a getting the hell out? Go somewhere new, do something different. Maybe if you have bigger concerns you won't burn your mind out over the little things.
https://medium.com/@alascii
The thing is this: the psychological stuff? It's already being enacted. So this thread is useless to me if people are just going to say "go see a psychologist". I'm not saying that isn't good advice, I'm simply asking for other advice. It's akin to saying "okay I need to upgrade my computer and I've already taken care of the RAM but if anyone can suggest anything else..." I know I'm not a computer and there is more to this than installing RAM but I've seen how H/A threads can be nothing more than people saying, one after another, "seek professional help". I have a stigma but I don't care. I'm going anyway. So consider that advice pre-accepted and pre-followed, please.
I'd be very happy to hear any advice you have to say, but if you don't want to, you don't have to.
No, I'm simply asking people not to debate or suggest going to a psychologist, something I'm already working on doing. I just don't want to discuss that avenue because it's already being done. There's no reason to discuss it here. If there is nothing else to say than "see a psychologist" then I am asking for people to just not post. I don't really see the problem with this.
If people don't care to accept that I'm already working on the obvious and thus there is no reason to point it out, then they shouldn't respond at all. And telling me how to or not to request advice isn't within the scope of what I'm asking either, but thanks all the same.
This is more along the lines of what I'm looking for and really what I meant when I suggested that a psychologist does not have all the answers. Is there only one answer to whether or not I should tell this to my friend? Clearly not. I'd rather have some non-professional peers give me advice of this nature, which is my point.
Thank you for this last bit of advice. But clearly this thread was a mistake. I just didn't want to see 20 pages of "seek professional help" when I'm already doing that because I know that'll just drive me insane, but apparently you can't ask people to avoid giving specific advice, huh, even if it's already being followed.
No amount of advice is going to fully aid you.
You need to go to a psychologist and work your issues out.
Since you don't want to do that, I can only advise you to not self-medicate with drugs, non-prescription meds or alcohol, since that is typically what people will do in lieu of real help. Don't commit suicide or anything else, because that is another choice many people who refuse to seek help make. Also, don't victimize other people as another way to cope.
Basically, everyone is saying see a therapist for a damn good reason, because you need to see one to work out your issues. Friends are great, but their primary responsibility is not to solve all your problems or work with you in the role of friend-therapist.
If you have such an aversion to therapy, go to a doctor, clergy-member, trust family member or social worker. You most likely aren't going to get better without some sort of professional help. I know sweeping it under the rug seems like a good coping mechanism, but eventually that rug gets full and you sweep it under something else, and then all of a sudden you have a room full of dust filled to the brim and you can't function anymore.
Take it from someone who has experienced this, denial and passivity will only provide a temporary fix to mental issues.
I am working on moving, yeah. With some interesting people as a matter of fact.
Okay, I just...I can't deal with this. I've asked not to hear this advice BECAUSE I'M ALREADY SEEKING PROFESSIONAL HELP. I just can't stare at a succession of posts of this nature.
Mods, just please lock or delete this.
Sorry for wasting everyone's time with a long, wasteful post.
I re-stated that you need psych help, but I said there are alternatives like friends, family, clergy, social services, etc.
I read them. Then you said "since you don't want to to do that" which is false. Since I am fucking. doing. that. So since I need to go see a psychologist I can't come here and just ask some fucking people for some fucking opinions? I have to hear "since you don't want to do that" and "see a psychologist" even though I stated I want to and am going to see a psychologist?
Pardon my anger but this is ridiculous.
Also, name one goal you have in your life. If you dont have one, work on making one. Then work toward it. Hard. Self satisfaction always comes (for me), from working toward something I find important.