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How do I stop being desperate?
Raiden333
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I always hear in the stereotypical "I need help finding a girlfriend" threads that one of the most key items is not seeming desperate for a relationship, or rather, desperate for anything at all.
Now, finding a girl is not my top priority right now, I'm working on a lot of other things in my life. However, I'm getting fucking starved for human contact. I only have about two friends that aren't just people I know on the internet and I rarely see them, about once every 2-3 months or so. I'm really bad at meeting new people unless they approach me first, and even then I have trouble establishing any kind of real personal connection.
For some reason I just cannot talk to people I don't already know or have a lot of common ground with (which is difficult since I'm into a lot of fringe interests). It also doesn't help that I live at home, an hour from my college campus, because I can't afford move closer and UCSC is stupid and gives housing priority to Freshmen (which they overenroll every year) unless you're already living there (which I couldn't afford to do earlier). I haven't seen anyone official about it, but I've been doing some reading recently and I think I might have some form of Avoidant Personality Disorder or Social Anxiety Disorder.
I'm getting sidetracked. More to the point, I've had one real serious girlfriend who broke up with me over two years ago (she's not important, I got over her after about 6 months), and since then, no relationships. Also, no real kind of physical human contact besides shaking hands with new people at my job. I can't even remember the last time I got a hug.
So basically, even though I'm not actively seeking anyone to date, any time I talk to a girl who I'm even slightly attracted to my brain goes into fireworks mode and me talk do bad. This sort of reinforces the behaviors I mentioned earlier about my aversion to starting conversations with people I don't already know. So basically what I'm asking is, how can I make myself not care as much when I talk to girls I'm attracted to so I don't shoot myself in the foot?
If you think I'm asking the wrong question and have a better idea to go about the problem, I'm more than open to it. Also, if anyone needs more information before they can give advice, feel free to ask. I'd appreciate any help because it's really starting to get to me.
Now, finding a girl is not my top priority right now, I'm working on a lot of other things in my life. However, I'm getting fucking starved for human contact. I only have about two friends that aren't just people I know on the internet and I rarely see them, about once every 2-3 months or so. I'm really bad at meeting new people unless they approach me first, and even then I have trouble establishing any kind of real personal connection.
For some reason I just cannot talk to people I don't already know or have a lot of common ground with (which is difficult since I'm into a lot of fringe interests). It also doesn't help that I live at home, an hour from my college campus, because I can't afford move closer and UCSC is stupid and gives housing priority to Freshmen (which they overenroll every year) unless you're already living there (which I couldn't afford to do earlier). I haven't seen anyone official about it, but I've been doing some reading recently and I think I might have some form of Avoidant Personality Disorder or Social Anxiety Disorder.
I'm getting sidetracked. More to the point, I've had one real serious girlfriend who broke up with me over two years ago (she's not important, I got over her after about 6 months), and since then, no relationships. Also, no real kind of physical human contact besides shaking hands with new people at my job. I can't even remember the last time I got a hug.
So basically, even though I'm not actively seeking anyone to date, any time I talk to a girl who I'm even slightly attracted to my brain goes into fireworks mode and me talk do bad. This sort of reinforces the behaviors I mentioned earlier about my aversion to starting conversations with people I don't already know. So basically what I'm asking is, how can I make myself not care as much when I talk to girls I'm attracted to so I don't shoot myself in the foot?
If you think I'm asking the wrong question and have a better idea to go about the problem, I'm more than open to it. Also, if anyone needs more information before they can give advice, feel free to ask. I'd appreciate any help because it's really starting to get to me.
Raiden333 on
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Most of the people I know personally who have long lasting relationships/marriages end up meeting in some of the weirdest ways. My parents met while on a bus in Texas. My friend and his wife met on an airplane flight to Seattle from San Francisco.
If you want to "meet" people, you could possibly participate in some outside hobby. I go to concerts often (once every other month or so) and I meet people there sometimes.
maybe I wasn't quite clear in my OP... I'm not looking for somebody, I'm just saying that every time I'm in a situation where there's the chance of a relationship starting, I end up killing it because I get too ahead of myself.
(Not actively looking, I mean. I'd like a relationship, sure, but it's not on my list of priorities right now)
I'm pretty sure this has absolutely nothing to do with if the relationship lasts or not. Just because you know some people who met each other in weird ways doesn't really mean anything.
I completely agree with the above. I used to have the same problem, until I kind of trained myself to take the time to think about what I'm about to say.
Also, don't feel compelled to talk. If you feel you're about to start babbling nervously, just shut up and see if the other person brings up something to talk about. If they don't, just excuse yourself, do something else, calm down, see if you can come up with something you'd like to say/talk about, and when the opportunity presents itself, bring it up.
As for getting to know people, personally I find it easy to ask questions. If you can get a person to start talking in depth about themselves, you'll find more common ground. You can make alot of acquaintances that way, and then chance and circumstances bring stronger bonds over time. Just work on enriched small talk, and try to do it with both genders so that you lose the stigma about girls in your mind.
P.S. Sorry if that seems a little cryptic. I've just been out trick or treating with my son for 3 hours, my brain is not working so well.
Housing at UCSC is a goddamn fucking clusterfuck, but if you can afford to live off-campus the social scene in Santa Cruz isn't bad. It isn't stellar, but it's a lot better than a lot of other towns.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Big if. The cheapest I've found is like $500 a month (for a ROOM, not an apartment or something), and I make $600 a month before any costs. I'd really like to move closer, but it's just not feasible now.
kpop appreciation station i also like to tweet some
Wouldn't living on campus cost money too? More even? Or does SC get snazzy housing subsidies that we at LA don't get. $500 a month isn't that bad for a room, I'm paying $600+ a month to split a place with 3 other guys.
This almost certainly isn't your only problem, but every little bit helps. And solving social anxiety disorder is a lot more difficult than wanking.
I have the exact same problem, and (no, I didn't solve it with more wanking. More wanking is never really a problem for me) I probably would have had a much more difficult time of it if I didn't have several female friends who I've grown extremely comfortable around. I've never really bought the idea that "they'll tell you all the secrets of the female psyche!!1" as if women are a different species or something, but it certainly goes a long ways towards reducing the intimidation factor in your own mind.
So if you haven't already, try approaching someone with the goal of being a platonic friend. You don't have to force it - but anytime you're in a public place, and in proximity, it's usually not inappropriate. Think of it this way: you probably spend lots of time hoping to be approached, or at least are receptive when someone does say hello and ask a simple question. So does everyone else. And the penalty for failure is extremely low. Have you ever seen Jackass? If you find yourself blanching, even for a moment, just imagine that dude in the thong humping the air three inches in front of peoples' faces.
And he gets away with that. A polite inquiry or invitation to coffee probably won't evoke a more serious response, even at the worst imaginable.
So maybe a study abroad might help you deal with the issues, because you can look at the situation as if you are only going to see these people for a couple of months and after that you may never speak to them again so you'll try and hopefully make the most of it.
On a side note I have a close friend who has social anxiety disorder... the weird thing was if you met him you'd have no idea. He is super outgoing, talks to everybody... but in the midst of that he would excuse himself from time to time to go throw up. What I guess I'm saying is that even if you were diagnosed with something like that it might not necessarily hold you back. Sure, he would throw up from time to time, but he wasn't afraid to get out there and take that chance. Plus it seemed like it always gave him enough warning that it was coming... I knew him for 3 years before I even knew anything was going on like that.
Mostly, you need to find an excuse to actually go out and hang out with people. You're in school - join a club or a team sport or something. You might have social anxiety or you might just be introverted and an awkward dude which is getting exacerbated by your lack of human contact. Either way, you really need to rub shoulders to try to get used to how humans properly interact with each other.
you know, I think it's at least somewhat true as well. Granted, its not black or white, but i think in general yes. my best friend has been trying very hard to find a long term boyfriend for about 4 years now. she dates a guy for a couple of months and that's it. I feel bad for her, because she tries so hard, but thats why. she goes out pretty much looking for any guy who'll give her the time of day, and try to date him.
When I really, really wanted a girlfriend, and tried really hard to date some people, it went nowhere. I gave up on dating for a bit to concentrate on school, less than 3 weeks after that, I started dating someone, and we've now been together almost 2 years, and are planning our futures together.
tl;dr Don't try too hard at it. Honestly, because then people see you're trying too hard, and that is a huge turn off, whether this is a prospective friend or relationship.
I'm still not the most social person in the world, but I've gotten a lot better. I did this (sort of unintentionally) by putting myself in a situation where I had no choice but to interact with strangers: I did a study abroad program in Paris over the summer, and when that was done, I spent a couple weeks traveling around Europe by myself. It was fantastic.
I quickly realized that if I was going to enjoy myself, I had to talk to people. It's a little nerve-wracking at first, but it gets a lot easier.
I'm not saying that you have to backpack across Europe for a month to help your problem, but just put yourself in a situation where you have to talk to people you don't know. You'll quickly realize that it isn't that hard, and that you have nothing to lose if you screw up.
I appreciate all the advice given, guys. Thanks a lot for the help. I know I have to work on these things and not expect an overnight change, and there's no time like the present to begin working.
People sometimes perceive fast speedy talking as nervousness. Slow talking shows that you aren't worried that people will cut you off, you know what you are saying is important.
On speaking to randoms, if I were you i'd make a conscious effort to spark conversations with strangers when you see the opportunity. Say you're waiting inline at a store and notice something funny about the situation. Share it with someone in line next to you. Stuff like that. Joke a little bit with people you are buying stuff from. It will help with general socializing and with talking to strangers in general.
Just remember, you don't have to be impressive. You don't have to think about impressive or witty things to say, jokes to tell, whatever.
Sometimes, I act like a complete goofball infront of groups of people. Sometimes I'm an arrogant asshole and criticize every damn thing I see. Sometimes I'm very sincere and a good listener. I also wear these fucking weird - but awesome - shoes. I openly profess my love for them, in their all of their tacky glory.
The point I'm trying to make is that you genuinely being yourself in a society that can be so fake at times, is impressive enough.
Honestly, if people categorize or judge anyone as one thing or type of person right off the bat, there's an inherent, negative vibe there that is pretty easy to pick up on. If you talk with enough people, with your now heightened sense of confidence and security in yourself and your style, you will eventually meet genuine people, too - and you will become friends.
But personally, I withdrew from all of my established friends and places to hang when I had a huge falling out with my only group of friends. I spent about a year away from everyone and became very anxious about asking people out to do stuff, and also quite jealous and upset when I felt I was overlooked.
So I went out by myself a lot. Usually under the influence of a lot of alcohol. I bumped in to a lot of people who I hadn't seen in a long time. I was introduced to new people. It took a few months, but now I have a wide array of really great friends, all of which I really love. Alcoholism is not the answer, but taking the edge off can't hurt.
Before you venture out into the scary world, seek out some friends that you already have something in common with. Most colleges already have a group for just about everything anyway.
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I have a similer problem to the OP but I am a lot better then I was years ago. I just force myself to go out and do things an surprisingly enough people will like to talk and get to know a person if you seem to be enjoying yourself and look non threatening.
Hey OP if you ever want to hang out shoot me a PM. I live in SJ.
you can thank me later.