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How to win someone over
Eat_Fire
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
If you guys can give me some feedback on this I would appreciate it, writing this out might also help me get my thoughts straight. Anyways heres the required background info:
1yr ago: Made a new friend and started hanging out with each other, his name will be "Steve". Me and "Steve" make a circle of friends at work and things are pretty cool. A few months down the road, the group consists of me. "Steve" and his gf and the other 2 friends who are a couple too. I use to be the odd guy out even though I would date girls now and again for brief periods.
Early this year, "Steve" brought his sister over when hanging out, (I had a large house that I rented so my place was hang out central, so generally everyone came to my house) sometimes her BF came with her but after awhile they broke up, and sure enough me and his sister started to look at each other differently.
Fast forward a month and I talk with "Steve" and he says he knows his sister is interested in me and he tells me its okay to ask her out and that things will still be cool (if I treat her bad I am also informed I will be killed). So, we do go on a date or 2 and really hit it off, so we start dating (nothing too fast or anything).
Present: Still dating "Steve's" sister and things are going well. However my GF had to talk to me the other day and told me that "Steve" is telling her she should date other people , yadda yadda yadda. It's basicly the stuff your parents tell you when you date someone for 6 months and your still in High School.
Lately I had been noticing that my friend has been lax on hanging out, and havent gotten to do much with him.
My question to you all is : How do I win my friend back over?
P.S. If this thread gets some feedback I might add some more stuff to the discussion.
1yr ago: Made a new friend and started hanging out with each other, his name will be "Steve". Me and "Steve" make a circle of friends at work and things are pretty cool. A few months down the road, the group consists of me. "Steve" and his gf and the other 2 friends who are a couple too. I use to be the odd guy out even though I would date girls now and again for brief periods.
Early this year, "Steve" brought his sister over when hanging out, (I had a large house that I rented so my place was hang out central, so generally everyone came to my house) sometimes her BF came with her but after awhile they broke up, and sure enough me and his sister started to look at each other differently.
Fast forward a month and I talk with "Steve" and he says he knows his sister is interested in me and he tells me its okay to ask her out and that things will still be cool (if I treat her bad I am also informed I will be killed). So, we do go on a date or 2 and really hit it off, so we start dating (nothing too fast or anything).
Present: Still dating "Steve's" sister and things are going well. However my GF had to talk to me the other day and told me that "Steve" is telling her she should date other people , yadda yadda yadda. It's basicly the stuff your parents tell you when you date someone for 6 months and your still in High School.
Lately I had been noticing that my friend has been lax on hanging out, and havent gotten to do much with him.
My question to you all is : How do I win my friend back over?
P.S. If this thread gets some feedback I might add some more stuff to the discussion.
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Eat_Fire on
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Seriously, you probably cant, and wont, be able to get back to the same friendship you had.
Is his sister a lot younger than you guys or something? You mentioned you were renting a house, i assume youre in atleast your mid 20's? Maybe he feels shes getting too attached to you, or that youre distracting her from more "important" things in life, like school and her old friends.
If you like your girlfriend, forget about your friend. If you dont like your girlfriend, and you think your friend will still want to hang out with you, dump her. Personally id probably continue dating her if i had any sort of feelings for her at all.
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Relationship will be totally different in skewed because in the back of his mind, he will be thinking that this friend of mine is fucking my sister and there is nothing I can do about it.
My group of friends is all 21-23. GF is 19 (ooohhhhh sound). Main difference in the age shows up when its bar night.
Yes, I agree we can never have the same friendship, but we were still hanging out together and doing stuff seperately from the girls, etc, etc.
The reason I find it strange that he suddenly had the change of heart, is that after we had started dating, he told me that he had brought her over to my house to meet me and get rid of her other BF (way to old for her). And yeah I think that was pretty manipulative of him.
So would a talk with him about this be the thing to do? Should I be direct "So you want us to break up?" or just ask him why hes distant suddenly?
He's got his heart in the right place and is doing what HE thinks is best for his sister. He's right that his sister probably should be seeing more people at her age, and he clearly values you as a person and a friend in order to have given you the OK to begin with, and to still want to hang with you at all.
From his point of view things could get very uncomfortable for all concerned if your relationship with his little sis were to go pear shaped.
I honestly think he needs reassurance from both you and his sister that things REALLY are going very well between you, and that should the worst happen, you will both behave like adults and not start using him as an emotional piggy in the middle.
He may still think she should date other people, but a lot of that will be him rationalising his current feelings of protectiveness towards her. Good on him. He seems a stand up guy, BUT the relationship in question is something you and his sister are exclusively in. There's no room for a third.
My jaded old person self, in that who cares what he thinks, if he isn't cool with seeing his sister happy, he is a dick (assuming she is happy being with you)
As others have said, if he's unable to overcome this, you may have to chose between brother and sister. Just keep in mind that your relationship with either won't be the same as it was before once the decision is made.
I usually think of friends as people I like and respect. If there's anybody I want my sister dating, it's somebody I like and respect. Would Steve rather his sister be going out with somebody he doesn't like or a random stranger?
Are guys just supposed to hate whoever their little sister dates? Is that a chapter in the Man Code that I accidentally skipped over?
This just seems so irrational to me.
Anyway, if it were me, I'd buy Steve a beer or a cup of coffee or something and ask him if he has a problem with me. I'd rather just deal with it face to face and find out what he actually says than jump to conclusions about what he might be or might not be feeling.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
You and me both. My little sister has two older bros, and she doesn't often bring men home (my bro and I figure it's because we let her know already while she was growing up what kind of men she didn't want... And that cuts out a lot of potential dates 8-) ), but when she does we're glad to meet the bloke and get to know him and have a beer with him. I actively want to like the guy, not have some automatic distrust!
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we must be friends with the same people
OP, if you really like his sister and date her respectfully and monogamously eventually he'll probably come around. He's probably wondering if you're "just nailing" her or if you're serious.
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You said the gf is 19, and you're all in your 20's. Do you go to the same school or live in the same town still? Is there a chance that she's thinking of moving to a different school, or moving in general?