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Girlfriend Woes
Popices
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ahoy.
So, as some of you may know, my girlfriend is currently going to school as a freshman 4.5 hours away. We have been dating for six years and have always been of the mentality of no drinking booze, and what have you. Yesterday I find out that she lied to me and went to a party (where she allegedly didnt drink...but everyone else was). Most of these party folk were guys (actually, I'm pretty sure all of them were), which makes me even more uneasy. I confronted her about it and she got into sad mode and started talking about how it's fine and she doesn't plan on drinking and still plans on being faithful and will open up and tell me everything from now on. She says she hasn't cheated on me or anything, but I just have this sinking feeling in my chest/stomach and really do not feel good about this. She has been honest with me in the past and this is one of the first incidents I can remember of dishonesty. Is it normal to feel like my heart has been broken over something like this?
I love this girl and was planning on marrying her, but I am having trouble coping with the 'I can do whatever I want and hang out with whoever I want without you knowing' mentality she has gotten into. I really want to save the relationship but due to stress I am under at school (professional, graduate program), the length of time she will be away at college (3 more years) and the fact that she lied to me about something so trivial, I am at a loss.
I keep in contact with her very often, usually calling her after classes are over, talking to her on aim, or calling her before I go to bed...am I not doing enough? Am I doing too much? I have sent her a few gift baskets with nerd-related material to show her that I care about her and am thinking about her, but I don't get much of this in return at all. Usually I am initiating conversation, she really only calls me to tell her how she's done on tests and such.
I guess I am writing this because it is making me feel somewhat better to get it off my chest. If you guys have been in similar situations or can offer any advice it would be greatly appreciated.
So, as some of you may know, my girlfriend is currently going to school as a freshman 4.5 hours away. We have been dating for six years and have always been of the mentality of no drinking booze, and what have you. Yesterday I find out that she lied to me and went to a party (where she allegedly didnt drink...but everyone else was). Most of these party folk were guys (actually, I'm pretty sure all of them were), which makes me even more uneasy. I confronted her about it and she got into sad mode and started talking about how it's fine and she doesn't plan on drinking and still plans on being faithful and will open up and tell me everything from now on. She says she hasn't cheated on me or anything, but I just have this sinking feeling in my chest/stomach and really do not feel good about this. She has been honest with me in the past and this is one of the first incidents I can remember of dishonesty. Is it normal to feel like my heart has been broken over something like this?
I love this girl and was planning on marrying her, but I am having trouble coping with the 'I can do whatever I want and hang out with whoever I want without you knowing' mentality she has gotten into. I really want to save the relationship but due to stress I am under at school (professional, graduate program), the length of time she will be away at college (3 more years) and the fact that she lied to me about something so trivial, I am at a loss.
I keep in contact with her very often, usually calling her after classes are over, talking to her on aim, or calling her before I go to bed...am I not doing enough? Am I doing too much? I have sent her a few gift baskets with nerd-related material to show her that I care about her and am thinking about her, but I don't get much of this in return at all. Usually I am initiating conversation, she really only calls me to tell her how she's done on tests and such.
I guess I am writing this because it is making me feel somewhat better to get it off my chest. If you guys have been in similar situations or can offer any advice it would be greatly appreciated.
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Of what nature was the lie she told you? She might just have not wanted you to worry; you do call it "trivial".
If you'd only been going out a year or so before her going to college, I'd tell you to be more worried since people usually break up at that point, but with six years under your belt you should be more secure. If things get worse, try and think of it as a let-off - if she can't cope with time away from you without going off the rails, then you don't want to marry her.
Maybe she lied because you overreact to minor stuff?
Your attitude is still completely terrible about this. She's not a possession.
We got over that, quick
If you can't trust your girl on a little thing like going to a party (and I'm guessing you're afraid she's gonna find someone new in university right? And you're also thinking that high school romances never really go anywhere? I hear ya brother =\) then you should seriously think about breaking it off or having a major relationship overhaul.
Or go the vindictive route: Go to a party, get drunk, have a blast and then just be like "CRAP THERE WAS A LOT OF GIRLS THERE, ALL MY FRIENDS JUST WENT OFF WITH LIKE 2-3 GIRLS LAWL SO MUCH FUN". Then see her reaction.
But if you go the latter route ask yourself these questions: Do you live in the O.C.? And are you prepared to eat a bag of dicks?
You said she's 4.5 hours away from you. Did she lie about having other plans to break off meeting up with you somewhere?
Because if she's hundreds of miles away, she's really not under any obligation to tell you everything she does every day, and certainly not to ask your permission. If she wasn't going to be meeting you anyways, why not go to the party?
So you're saying she's suppose to check with you on every move she does and every person she decides to hang out with?
It's college. Both of you are going to meet a ton of new people and have a ton of new experiences. That might mean you might find out you're not perfect for each other. Might mean you find out you are. But if you're already this torn up over a simple party, then man, you got a tough road ahead of you.
Mr. Truth, meet Mr. Lime.
This is so true it's ridiculous.
I don't want to seem unkind, but you have some emotional maturing to do Popices.
There's nothing wrong with that, and it's good you're asking for advice concerning your behaviour/expectations.
For both your sakes, calm down and just let yourselves have some fun.
If you keep up this level of stressing over completely insignificant stuff, she WILL dump you.
I hope things work out for you folks.
Long distance relationships aren't easy, but you have to get used to the fact that she's an independent woman with her own social life. A social life of which you can't always be a part of.
The old girl you knew is gone. She is being replaced by her new changing self. And you will soon realize that there are people who know your girlfriend much better than even you do. And when you do show up to visit your girl, no one will know who you are. No one will greet you. No one will stand up for you. No one will give two shits. You are a non-person to these crowd of new friends. You will come and go, but their lives will move on.
Really, just end this relationship before things really go down the shitter.
Besides, from what you've posted here, I'm guessing that not drinking is more of a rule you came up with, not one she arrived at independently. If that's true, then you need to back off, or I can guarantee she's going to experiment with alcohol (again, normal part of college here) and lie to you about it. If you don't back off, she's quickly going to see that she can, in fact, do whatever she wants and hang out with whoever she wants if she gets rid of you, and will take steps to make that happen.
You do know...she can do all those things. Even if you were married? Also, accuse me of reading too much into this, but the usual phrase is 'planning on asking her to marry me'.
As for not doing enough, aside from going to her college, peeing all around her doorway, and stamping a big 'property of:' sign on her forehead in indelible ink while she sleeps, I'm not sure what more you can do. Yes, it sounds like you are doing too much. You clearly don't trust her, and you clearly have serious control issues. It's not a matter of letting her off the leash, you have to realise that you don't own a leash. Let the girl be herself, if you don't like who that is, then you have no business being together.
The fact that she doesn't call you much could mean anything. She could just not be doing it because she knows you'll call her anyways. Or it could mean she's not that interested in putting effort into the relationship.
This is what I was going to say!
Seriously dude she isn't yours. You two go out together because you (supposedly) like each other's company. Not because you wrote up some goddam contract.
I'll let you in on a secret I have this awesome thing called Willpower â„¢ and I've leased it out to your Girlfriend. She went to the party and gave it a burl around. Little do you know that every party doesn't turn into a druken orgy where we screw everyone that happens to be there. People go out and not drink because they want to go out. Going out =/ drinking.
Satans..... hints.....
I think the bigger problem is that a restriction that is artificial is a pretty bad thing to define yourself by. If she's a college freshman, and this is in the US, she hasn't been able to drink. Still isn't allowed to, technically, but the point is that it's like saying you will save yourself for marriage when you're single -- it doesn't matter because it's not even an option.
In other words, the restriction is meaningless because it's untested.
Popices, the big picture here is that your girlfriend is still your girlfriend if she drinks alcohol. She's still dating you even if she spends an evening out with people, some of which are male. Given how much focus you're putting on alcohol, it sounds like the reason she hasn't told you was because of this very reason -- you're somewhat overreacting.
If there are religious reasons for it, or some other rationale behind it, then I would explore that with her. Maybe she's not as serious about whatever aspect of it bothers you.
More importantly, though, she's a college freshman -- they're exposed to a lot of new things, and as you should know, the beliefs you have when you enter college are challenged, not because they're bad beliefs but because you're exposed to so much. Almost every college party has alcohol, for instance, even if someone doesn't drink it. And part of the fun of college is going out and doing things with people. That doesn't mean that someone hooks up with someone else, though.
It may also be that you're simply not the kind of person who can do a long distance relationship. Another thing is that if she's just now a college freshman, which makes me estimate her age at 18/19, that means a 6 year relationship puts her at 12/13? I can only assume that she's older than that, if you're in a graduate program. I bring this up because I noticed this when I was into my 2nd year of college -- I had no interest in high school girls anymore. Sure, some were cute, but the mentality and bullshit that most talked about and were interested in was something I didn't even want to see for a single date. And I felt the same way once I graduated college, about college girls -- I wanted to be involved with someone who had also graduated college, so I didn't have to hear about classes and parties and college shit. I wanted to date someone who was on a similar level, mentally, and was thinking about similar things.
The other aspect of that is that these people also all change, sometimes drastically, once they hit these different stages. Some people really change a lot from who they were in high school, and some people change a lot once they graduate. Your girlfriend may be turning into someone you don't recognize next time you see her in person, simply because she's doing different things and enjoying life.
Personally, the only long distance relationships I've noticed among friends that actually worked out were those where people were at the same stage in their lives, and they had very real plans for living together. I don't want you to become a worry wart, but maybe you need to evaluate whether you want to be dating a college freshman, long distance, at this stage in your life. Maybe the problem isn't so much that she's doing new things, but that you want something different from what she is.
You act as if the rules you've applied to yourself apply to her. You act like you own her. You don't trust her to be honest or faithful if you're getting uptight about her going to a party. And GODDAMN, you're planning on marrying her and she's only just started college?
She's just entered a place full of interesting people who don't constrain themselves to the same stringent moral codes that you do, that don't treat her like a possession, and instead of giving her some freedom and space you're trying to put the lockdown on her from a distance. She's going to get tired of you mighty fast.
You know what? You might still be able to marry this girl once she graduates. But you're going to have to stop being such a tight-arse. Let her drink, let her party. Let her have her time to herself. Hell, let her have some flings with guys; it's going to happen no matter how much you squirm and hope it won't, so it may as well be something you discuss openly and set rules about. Show her that you love her enough to give her freedom. If you can't do that, then she's going to find someone very quickly who doesn't have a broom up their arse, probably fall for them, probably sleep with them, and it'll just end very messily and angrily.
Goddamn. She's a freshman and you want to marry her. What bubble are you living in? Try living WITH her for five years, then ask her to marry you. College/university is a formative point in a persons life. By the time she graduates she will be a completely different person. The girl you want to marry right now will no longer exist.
I take back what I said. Give up. You've been left behind. You need to go to college yourself (or do it again, if you already have) and this time, learn about how to be an adult. Because this jealousy over a party betrays the fact that you have a possessive teenage mentality, and in this state you will never be able to maintain a relationship with a mature, independent woman.
When you confronted her about it, did you actually equate going to a party where there is booze and men with cheating, or did she make that connection? Because that screams "trust issues" to me.
She shouldn't feel like she has to tell you everything. It sounds to me like there are some fairly basic insecurity/trust issues you need to work out here. Discuss them with her, and tell her (calmly) how you're feeling - but remember that these are your issues, that you need to work out, and they are not her problems to fix. You can compromise - she'll tell you when she's doing something that might upset you, and you won't try to stop her doing it. Things like that.
Too much, in my opinion.
And you are certainly overreacting. Furthermore, you're projecting your own insecurities and various other emotional issues onto the relationship. Stop doing that. Try to see things from her perspective.
Also, how old are you two exactly? You mentioned grad school, and she's a college freshman?
Call her once in the evening. That should be enough.
I suppose the reason I come off as being possessive and controlling is because I am so used to being such a major part of her life and all the sudden it has been whisked away from me, and I still want to remain as involved as possible. I am really not that big an asshole as some of you guys have pointed out I am, I am just going through a rough patch and trying to cope, looking for some form of help instead of bashing who I am.
Anyway, thank you for all of the opinions and ideas expressed, I understand where most of you are coming from and will try to take them to heart.
Ok, seriously? Fuck you. He is not implying that at all. He's a bit down because, well, hey. It was their 6 year anniversary. That's a pretty big thing in my opinion.
He realizes she's no a possession but at the same time why could she not have tried talk to him on that day? Even though she is not a "possession," nor is any boyfriend or girlfriend for that matter, we all accept they have their free will and will ultimately do what they want; however, we begin to expect things after we've been with them for a while because that's their nature. When they start to deviate from something we felt was pretty solid it's not necessarily, "zOMGWTFBBQ?!!?!?!?!?" mode, but it should be a, "Hey what's up?" kind of thing.
I said we a bit too generally. I'm sure I'll get flamed for some of what I said but I stand by it.
I don't think you're over reacting, man. I can understand the only partying thing. I don't drink, neither did my ex. She always got upset when I was simply around it, but I just had to reassure her I was just there. I'd be upset if I heard she was around it, too. We just don't see the need for it (drinking.) I've gone through the friend drinking and, "omg, u gayz r laaaame. newe frundz!" bullshit with an old friend I really cared for.
I grant 6 years is a long time for a relationship, but you're now in graduate school and you've been dating her for 5 years? I'm guessing you were a... college frosh or sophmore dating an 8th grader? I'm not trying to call you out, I'm just trying to make sure I got it right. I dunno how that's going to work out for you, bro. You're already 4.5 hours away, college is usually when girls say, or any freshman for that matter, see a sense of freedom and say, "Fuck shoes."
Have a good talk with your lady friend. Don't be overly critical and just realize she may be the girl of your dreams, but some time a part might be beneficial to seeing what you need right now. If she can't necessarily provide at the moment, don't be a burden on her and expect it. Give her and yourself time.
they're 2 years apart.
She's going to change. College changes people. You are legitimately going to need to adapt and be okay with that, or let it ruin the relationship. Don't flip out over little stuff. Trust her to be responsible and not violate that trust. If she does violate your trust by getting crazy drunk and sleeping with some guy, then that's her problem and no amount of you overreacting was ever going to stop it from happening.
Trust me. I didn't take that advice. I freaked out and overreacted while my g/f had a good time and I was paranoid. And then, she had a good time with someone else. And now, she's having a good time with someone else. Don't be me. :P
I must have misread, but I swore he said she was a college freshman and he was in graduate school. So it would've taken her 6 years to get to be a freshman at college, from that I assumed 7/8th grader. Obviously I have terribly misread.
This is what is set off alarm bells for me, and I don't think that's completely unreasonable, so don't act like I pulled this out of nowhere. He's in a long term relationship and he felt alarmed and was having problems coping with his girlfriend being out with men and feeling independant. That's what warranted the remark.
Unless they had plans to meet up in person, which I do not think the OP mentioned, what was this girl supposed to do? Sit on her computer or on the phone all day and talk to him? I understand that it's an important anniversery, but did they even have plans or did the OP just passively expect for his girlfriend to dote on him online or on the phone, and then get angry when he found out that she had gone somewhere else? C'mon. Even the OP admitted that he overreacted.
I used to subconsicously have a 'girl as possession' type feeling. When me and my ex broke up earlier this year I was infuriated at the idea of her having fun without me. It wasn't the right thing to do and hell I'm not sure why I felt that way, but it happened.
The point is you have to keep a cool head in this. Do NOT freak out and say something that you can't unsay. It can be hard to trust someone, even someone you've been with for 6 years, but either you do that or you go insane.
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1 - webcam, buddy. Webcam. SEEING someone while talking is way better than just using a fone
2 - accept the fact that you can't possibly be a physical major contributor to her life right now. Her emotions can sway around you and that can alter how she'll act but that's it. Let her run off, let her know you care and are always there to talk if she needs you, but don't inhibit her freedom or she'll regret you. Emphasize the lack of need for lying because there's nothing you're not willing to work out, and you want her to have fun even if you're not there. If that isn't the case, you should work on making it the case.
3 - accept the fact that she's a freshman in college. Expect MAJOR changes in her, a likely one being going to more parties and drinking. Lots of 'clean' kids in high school start drinking once they get to college. Accept it and encourage responsible decision making.
4 - see each other WHENEVER you can. Physical time is prime. Prioritize it, don't be afraid to be rude to other people when you get it if it means more quality time alone with her.
5 - accept the fact that a 19 year old and a 21 year old dont know everything there is about each other. Marriage is NOT something you should be thinking about because she as well as you are going to need to stabilize emotionally first. In the next year you, she or both of you could change in a way that sours the relationship.
I'm not really sure about this. It sounds like something that will alienate her even more.
If I had entered college while in a relationship with someone 450 miles away and she was visiting me at every fucking chance without regards to my social life and plans, and was rude to my friends about it, I would have dumped her right away, 6 years or no.
And I'm not really sure "don't be afraid to be rude to other people" is good advice here.
Pretty much. I don't understand how people can even contemplate marriage in their early twenties, especially with their high school sweethearts. There should be a way to pound some reason and perspective into their heads.
The webcam idea is great--I wanted to purchase two of them before the school year but have no idea how they work, or which ones are worth buying. I'll make it a note to go out and grab two with her, if she is into the idea, when she comes in for thanksgiving break.
Any suggestions on decent quality decent price models? (sub $100 for each).
And to the comment about grad school and college freshman---we are only two years apart, I am in Pharmacy School at the moment as a P1 (this is my third year in college).
Example: My best friend is dating a college friend of mine, and they're about 4 hours separated. Sometimes when he comes to town, they ask if i wanna go to dinner with them. When it happened I was like "seriously? Don't you want to be alone while you have time together?" And sometimes they do - I'll hear about him being in town all weekend on monday, after he's already gone. Sometimes they just dont wanna be cooped up in a dorm running through a 12 pack of condoms, and i get to see my best friend. Either way I dont take it personally. My point is alone time is very precious in a long distance relationship and frankly saying "Sorry, my girlfriend's in town. I'll let you know if we wanna meet up with you" is well within your rights.