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Parenting my brother?
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I'm 19, and living with my mother (mid fifties) and my 13 year old brother. My parents have been divorced and separated for about 4 years now, and since then I've had to help raise my brother a bit. That's not strange at all, even un-seperated parents rely on siblings to help around the house and play a role model for younger brothers/sisters, but I think it's really been stressing the relationship between my brother and I.
Our dad lives an hour away, and we see him about once a week for 2-3 hours when he picks my younger brother up from school, has afternoon tea with him and drops him home. Mum's often fairly busy (She manages a successful small business, which luckilly means money isn't ever a major problem) which means I take on board a few things like making lunch for him if we're both home, reminding/offering help with homework, reminding him it's bed time (Mum wakes up very early, and then gets tired early), etc. He always seems to hate me trying to help though, and to be honest, I think I hate it too.
Lately a major issue has been his sleeping arrangements. He has trouble falling asleep unless he's in Mum's room, which obviously musn't be good for either of them, but Mum just goes along with it. Right now he either falls asleep on one side of the double bed, or on a matress beside it.
I wouldn't worry that much about it, since he's going to grow out of it sooner rather than later, but in a few months his school has a mandatory 5-6 week camp out in the bush as part of their curriculum. He's going to have to get used to not only sleeping without mum, but also in a strange place. I've been trying and trying to get him to sleep in his own bed, but in the end he gets upset with me even more-so than usual, and sleeps there anyway "because now he's so distressed".
I'm sure there's plenty of people who must share similar circumstances as mine, do any of you guys have any advice or tips for helping me guide my brother without completely killing our relationship? I'd settle with him and me just getting along, let alone us being close.
tl;dr: My brother resents me having to help raise him in a single parent house. How do I not kill our relationship while still helping mum?
Our dad lives an hour away, and we see him about once a week for 2-3 hours when he picks my younger brother up from school, has afternoon tea with him and drops him home. Mum's often fairly busy (She manages a successful small business, which luckilly means money isn't ever a major problem) which means I take on board a few things like making lunch for him if we're both home, reminding/offering help with homework, reminding him it's bed time (Mum wakes up very early, and then gets tired early), etc. He always seems to hate me trying to help though, and to be honest, I think I hate it too.
Lately a major issue has been his sleeping arrangements. He has trouble falling asleep unless he's in Mum's room, which obviously musn't be good for either of them, but Mum just goes along with it. Right now he either falls asleep on one side of the double bed, or on a matress beside it.
I wouldn't worry that much about it, since he's going to grow out of it sooner rather than later, but in a few months his school has a mandatory 5-6 week camp out in the bush as part of their curriculum. He's going to have to get used to not only sleeping without mum, but also in a strange place. I've been trying and trying to get him to sleep in his own bed, but in the end he gets upset with me even more-so than usual, and sleeps there anyway "because now he's so distressed".
I'm sure there's plenty of people who must share similar circumstances as mine, do any of you guys have any advice or tips for helping me guide my brother without completely killing our relationship? I'd settle with him and me just getting along, let alone us being close.
tl;dr: My brother resents me having to help raise him in a single parent house. How do I not kill our relationship while still helping mum?
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PSN: Robo_Wizard1
Your role is not a parent.
Your job is to be an older brother not the authoritarian.
Suggest to him that it's not really appropriate to do such a thing.
If he takes the advice, great.
If he doesn't, it is still not your responsibility to make him.
Big brothers give advice.
If you start authoritating, (telling him to make you a sandwich is okay, nay a duty of younger brothers) he will look to you as the parent and that can only turn out horrible.
I have been in your exact situation. It sounds like you have a lot of co-dependent and crisis things happening in your family right now. Trust me from experience, you are not the family savior and you shouldn't be.
I'm not a therapist but this was a huge issue for me in therapy.
Just trying to help.
But if mum isn't doing anything about this sleeping on her floor thing after I've brought it up with her multiple times, and I stop pressing the issue, then things are only going to get worse. I can understand why it's straining the relationship, but I'm only doing it to help him. Any ideas how I can help him realise this?
See, you're being the parent to your mom, and that is really unhealthy.
It's so hard to not be the parent, so I totally understand where you're coming from.
Ask a therapist or a counselor what you should do.
I'm 20 and my youngest brother is 13. My mom and dad work a lot and in a lot of ways me and my middle brother (who is on the forum) have raised him a lot. Me more so being the older. There is a very fine line you walk and I have only crossed that line a few times, the line between suggesting and ordering. Since my younger brother looks up to me so and respects me, he just sort of accepts it and does whatever little thing it is. I find its better just to manipulate. I know that sounds horrible, but what I mean is to convince him its the best way or its what he wants to do. You know, reverse psychology. Its working less and less on my younger brother because he's very mature for his age. I guess he would have to be if he spends so much time with people 8 years older.
If he hasn't sorted it out for himself by the time he goes out 5 - 6 weeks will do it. He is 13 this is the time in his life when he is doing stupid things and learning from them he will grow out of it and be a better person if he learns it for himself. Also, he has a parent and your not it, it sounds like you have already done all you can anything more will just damage your relationship with the rest of your family.
As for dealing with why he needs that right now, you're probably not going to be the best person for it simply because you're too close to him - there's things you wouldn't feel comfortable revealing to him or one of your parents, I'll bet? So you can probably imagine he doesn't want to talk about that stuff with family members. If it doesn't resolve itself in a year or so he'd be best off talking to a neutral party like a qualified counsellor who can help him figure out his needs without him being too vulnerable, or even a more distant relative or family friend that he trusts. Like the others already said, its not your job to get into the big stuff. You're already doing enough.
Seriously, I think you would be a better influence on his life by just trying to be a friend and an older brother than a parent. You said its making him resent you, so what are you going to achieve by continuing?
And you won't be able to influence the sleeping arrangement without your mum's cooperation. If he has friends/ is okay at making friends the camp could be very good for him.
So yeah- suggest, interact, support but don't try and be his dad. It just won't work.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Doesn't ring a bell
You've given me an idea, I think I'll suggest to mum she could suggest a sleep over at a friend's sometime before the camp, and see how that goes with him.
I guess maybe I've lost perspective a bit. I'll mention the camp and his sleeping arrangements to mum one more time and then let her deal with it I suppose. Thanks guys
(I know this is the worst thing to do but damn if it isn't awesome)
AIM: Yarrfooey
You've lost perspective a lot, really.
It is not your place to step into a fatherly role. Your brother knows this, inside, and thats where the resentment is coming from - you're trying to take command of him where you shouldnt be. Be a good brother - Set a good example, hang out with him, that sort of stuff. My brother and i are the same age gap as you and your brother, and its enough years that sometimes you do slip and think that you need to be the authoritive figure, but not so many years that he will view you as having the experience and age to really know that much better than he does. It just doesnt work. We're now 25 and 31 and get along well. Theres always been stuff he does that i dont approve of, but over the years i've learned its really not my place to do anything about it. That doesnt mean i dont ever mention it, it means i dont order him to stop.
As for the sleeping thing, i'm sure he'll grow out of it soon. He's entering the age where kids typically distance themselves from their parents... you know, locked in their room all the time