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Why does she think I'm going to leave her?

hoodie13hoodie13 punch broRegistered User regular
edited November 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
My girlfriend seems to have this constant fear that I'm going to up-and-leave her one day. Believe me when I say I have no idea what it stems from. She's never been cheated on, I'm with her constantly, and I have almost no other female friends. The only thing I can think of is that we are about to graduate college, so maybe she thinks things are going to change dramatically with that.

But I'm also really interested in this. A couple of my other guy friends have this same problem. However, Googling only yields articles and such about men leaving, not about women thinking men will leave them. So perhaps if I could get some brainstorming going on with the H&A group, we can treat this at the source.

Does your girlfriend act the same way sometimes?

If you're the girlfriend, do you ever feel this way? Do you know why you might act this way?

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    ShogunShogun Hair long; money long; me and broke wizards we don't get along Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    She has insecurities. What about her parents? Any of them split on her when she was young? Or perhaps male siblings at some point that split?

    Shogun on
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    hoodie13hoodie13 punch bro Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    She never knew her dad. I guess that could be it as well.

    Anyone have anything else?

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    KalTorakKalTorak One way or another, they all end up in the Undercity.Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    hoodie13 wrote: »
    She never knew her dad. I guess that could be it as well.

    Anyone have anything else?

    Doesn't sound like you need anything else - that one should keep you busy for a while.

    KalTorak on
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    aesiraesir __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2007
    Yes. Its the fact that she never knew her dad. Its very common to have abandonment issues because of something like that.

    Past getting her to go to a shrink to deal with her issues, all you can do is continue to tell her that you love her and youre not going anywhere.

    aesir on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Lots of people who accuse their partner of eventually leaving them do this so that a) if the person leaves, they're not as hurt by it or b) to set up the relationship as being "flaky" in case they themselves cheat.

    Typically it's a manifest of plain insecurity. By itself it's not necessarily bad, but rather the circumstances on how it comes up is really more telling. Does she just spring it on you? Does she mention it after she's had a bad day? Does she do it to guilt you into doing things with her more frequently? Or does it just come up occasionally, when you talk about future plans?

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    lifeincognitolifeincognito Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    aesir wrote: »
    Yes. Its the fact that she never knew her dad. Its very common to have abandonment issues because of something like that.

    Past getting her to go to a shrink to deal with her issues, all you can do is continue to tell her that you love her and youre not going anywhere.

    This sounds like a good idea, but I have to warn against this tactic. You said you will be both graduating and going to college soon. Do you know where you both are going? Chances are very good you aren't going to the same place are you? Regardless of where you end up going, people do change quite a bit at college. Not to mention being busy with your classes or whatever extracurriculars/jobs you pick up along the way. Tell her you care about her, but don't throw around the love word, it may seem like a great idea but make sure she understands that you are her friend and that won't change. Love is great and all, but it doesn't cure everything. Of course YMMV because humans are exquisite creatures.

    lifeincognito on
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    Butterfly4uButterfly4u Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Also from my experience graduation equals going separate ways and breaking up. This could of happened to her when she graduated high school and she's fearing a repeat.

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    MackenzierMackenzier Gold Star Police Ninja Lurking... less than usual.Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    My fiance had this same mindset for YEARS, especially early on in our relationship, and it mostly boiled down to her (relatively well-off) father divorcing her mother while she was quite young. To grossly oversimplify the situation, she was left with some very serious <daddy issues> as well as <money concerns>.

    We talked about it a bit from time to time, but aside from just being there with her and being there for her when she really needed it, there wasn't much I could do to reassure her that I wasn't going anywhere. One day it was like something 'clicked' and she could finally accept that I wasn't planning to dash off and leave her at the drop of a hat.

    Now in your case, is there something about your upcoming graduation that may be causing her extra worry? Are you in different years, or came from different towns originally? Is there possibly concern about where you'll both live after leaving school, or where/if you'll find work?

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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I was in a relationship like this once. I left her, so maybe she was right though.

    There isn't really anything you can 'do' to counter her insecurity. It applies to both genders for whatever reason (parents, past relationships, general self-esteem) and you will have to either enjoy her dependence on you or resent it.

    also yeah- It might just be the situation of a period of transition rather than her character. Alot of people get really possessive when the future appears uncertain.

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    DerrickDerrick Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Her father looms quite large in this equation I would say. I've been in a similiar relationship (never met her father), and had around the same outcome. Also, the mother was very bitter towards men because of it, and constantly filled her head with the evils of men. So, yeah, it's fun all around. About all you can really do is be confident and self-assured about things. Talk about the future and all the things you guys want to do together. That will help solidify things in her mind beyond the major life switch you both are going to be hitting soon.

    Derrick on
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    wunderbarwunderbar What Have I Done? Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    ya, if they face something really tramatic like that, it's totally understandable that she would be worried. She's lived all her life with the fact that her dad left her mom, she'll of course be afraid of the same thing happening to her.

    My girlfriend dated a guy who abused her. She fell for him really hard, and he returned that by abusing her. She has some trust issues because of that, and was afraid to get that close to me. It almost cost us our relationship, but thankfully for me, she realized that (in her words) she would have been throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to her.

    You have to work with you girlfriend on this one. It's going to be difficult to convince her that you'll never leave, and you might not ever fully do it, but what you need is to be understanding of her feelings, and just do the best you can to quell her fears.

    Do all you can to help her, but she has to come part way as well. She has to trust that the love the two of you share is strong enough to overcome any obstacle. Do your best to make her understand that.

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    Dulcius_ex_asperisDulcius_ex_asperis Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I feel like this from time to time. I think, for me, it's usually when I'm really stressed out. Also, I'm sure I have some daddy issues, as my dad passed away when I was young-ish (14) leaving my mom with a lot of money issues and, obviously, missing her spouse. Sometimes I know I'm all up on him about random things, like eating better, but it's mostly because I love him so freaking much and I don't want him to die early as my dad did (he was only 42), because I don't know what I'd do without him.

    Dulcius_ex_asperis on
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    IDon'tKnowAnymoreIDon'tKnowAnymore Registered User new member
    I am a boy but my father left me at a young age and I feel the exact same way for my girlfriend. She says the same thing about me. When she says stuff like that don't be worried. Be sad thar she feels that way but happy that she cares and loves you. It is normal for her to feel that way.

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