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Rommate issues. (@ University)
variant
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Alright, so I moved on to campus for my first year at uni, I'm living with 3 strangers whom I USED TO get along with as we were all trying to be nice and courteous to each other in the beginning, however, they've basically degraded since the first day, and more so after the first month when they found out that all of them smoke(pot). I don't smoke but I tried it the first couple of times they did it, over the weekend, nothing crazy. But lately it's turned in to 4-5 "sessions" DAILY, including during mid-terms.
I absolutely hate this environment and during hours that I'm awake I tend to just go to the library or go over to a friend's but I'm there so often now that it's starting to get ridiculous and though they've never said anything, I'm sure they're not happy with me being over so often as I've only known them for about 4 months now. On the weekends I bolt home as it's only 30 mins away (a lot more in traffic, hence I moved on to campus).
My roommate is kind of a creeper, he tends to stare alot. The other 2 are pretty cool when they're sober but that's a rare occasion, they're usually high as kites, playing gamecube loudly or passed out on the floor/couch/bed. And recently they've started grubbing on my food, which I keep intending to bring up but always forget...
Now these dudes are doing things that I'm not comfortable with but whatever, it's their home too, right? But I need to get out of here, I would prefer to just leave the halls all together and find an apartment near campus but my Lease is for a year and literally impossible to get out off.
My only option is to file for a hall change request but that requires a "good reason," which I have obviously, but I don't want to rat these guys out. So I'm a bit lost...
Has anyone had experience with this? Should I make up a conflict and say that it's just not being resolved, or should I talk to someone and tell them in confidence about what's going on and that I just want to be moved to a different unit?
I absolutely hate this environment and during hours that I'm awake I tend to just go to the library or go over to a friend's but I'm there so often now that it's starting to get ridiculous and though they've never said anything, I'm sure they're not happy with me being over so often as I've only known them for about 4 months now. On the weekends I bolt home as it's only 30 mins away (a lot more in traffic, hence I moved on to campus).
My roommate is kind of a creeper, he tends to stare alot. The other 2 are pretty cool when they're sober but that's a rare occasion, they're usually high as kites, playing gamecube loudly or passed out on the floor/couch/bed. And recently they've started grubbing on my food, which I keep intending to bring up but always forget...
Now these dudes are doing things that I'm not comfortable with but whatever, it's their home too, right? But I need to get out of here, I would prefer to just leave the halls all together and find an apartment near campus but my Lease is for a year and literally impossible to get out off.
My only option is to file for a hall change request but that requires a "good reason," which I have obviously, but I don't want to rat these guys out. So I'm a bit lost...
Has anyone had experience with this? Should I make up a conflict and say that it's just not being resolved, or should I talk to someone and tell them in confidence about what's going on and that I just want to be moved to a different unit?
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Let me explain: rat them out. You paid for a room to study and live in, and it sounds like you can't do so comfortably. Read your res-life contract and roommate agreements and stuff you signed at the beginning, and you should see that if you find yourself threatened or something in any way, that you can talk to the RAs and get them kicked out.
I know that you may think this comes with a stigma, but these guys sounds like total assholes.
The only thing you need to worry about is the fact that you smoked with them at the beginning. That may make you just as culpable (right word?) as the rest of them.
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@hoodiethirteen
To the above poster and those that will follow: The OP specifically stated that he does not wish to rat these people out. No reason to suggest it.
That said, have you tried to work it out? You say they're eating your food and you've been meaning to bring it up - why haven't you done so already? The longer you let behavior like that go on unmentioned at the very least, the worse it's likely to get. You should definitely let them know that rampant drug use bothers you when you're trying to concentrate on getting shit done - maybe see if they'd be willing to smoke somewhere else? My experience with stoners is that they're pretty accomodating to others just for the sake of keeping away any unwanted attention from authority figures. If it's not a problem for you, whatever, but I know I would feel terrible enough if I got someone tossed out of uni that it would probably screw up my motivation.
I just think you should at least give them a warning before you escalate things.
1. you talk with them and they stop doing it. They stop smoking in your house and eating your food and understand your position and graciously stop.
2. You talk with them and they kinda rag on you for being lame and tell you that they'll try and not do it so much but nothing really changes.
3. You talk with them and they get mad and keep doing it and you threaten to rat them out and they ostracize you.
4. you rat them out, get a new room, or them out of yours. You never see them again and all is well.
5. you rat them out, get a new room, or them out of yours. Someone figures out that you ratted them out, rumours spread and you are hated by many across the campus for being a douche.
6. You deal with it.
I'd take number 6 but maybe try out number 1-2. Kindly asking if they could try smoking outside your house because you really hate it smelling like pot is reasonable. Also tell em to pay you for the food they ate.
By Christmas, I was so fed up with it that I went to him and told him that I was on financial aid, and if it was ever discovered that my roommate smoked pot, they would cut off my financial aid, I would have drop out of school, and get my ass sent back overseas.
He never smoked in the room again.
Perhaps not the most ethical way to handle it, but it sure was harmless and effective.
if they're dicks about it, rat them out.
They have no rights to smoke weed in the room, all debate and questions aside, if you guys get looked into (does happen), you'll probably be going down with them.
weed is illegal (yes some think it shouldn't be, free tibet etc) and as such people do not have a right to smoke it.
I host a podcast about movies.
what college do you go to? I want to apply there where everyone hugs and trusts and looks out for each other every day
No they shouldn't. You can't put the legalities aside on this issue because pot is illegal. Saying "put the legalities aside" on an illegal issue is pointless. You could say "If I want to murder this hooker (legalities aside) then I should be able to"
OP, talk to your roommate and explain the situation, if they continue to smoke, go to the RA and rat them out.
Uh, they seem to be doing a fairly solid job of that themselves. Given that they're first-years, odds are that most of them will fail out by the end of the year. Why should the OP have to put up with their slow decline now?
OP, man up and talk to them. Either you care or you don't. And if there's no result in the next seven days, go request a room change. Say they're noisy and take your food if you don't want to rat them out, but I really don't see any reason not to. The only people who would possibly dislike you for it are the other dropout fodder, even assuming they found out. Aesir's way overstating the odds of facing any consequences from 'half of campus' :roll:
Kyle
People change dorm rooms because of simple personality clashes all the time. It does not require an act of congress to get a different roommate in college just because the language in the housing contract is a little strident.
I host a podcast about movies.
Really, you've got two variety of marijuana smoking roommates:
- The considerate ones, i.e., the ones who, if you bring up any problems you have, will make an actual effort to change themselves. One of my flatmates is this way: I asked him to keep his voice/music down, do his dishes, clean up after himself, etc. He got slightly embarassed and has since managed to do all of these things, even while smoking pot. No problem.
- The manboys. These are the guys who practically need to be mommed: they're absolute slobs, don't clean up after themselves, make tons of noise, and do a lot of really inconsiderate shit. You can tell them to stop, and sometimes they'll listen, but most of the time they don't, or just forget. These are the kinds of guys who, when they forget to do something hygenic or mindful of their duties as a flatmate, say, "Oh, I guess I got high and kind of forgot." Over and over again. Like it's actually a legitimate excuse.
Basically, you should try talking to them and explain your problems. Gently remind them that they are living with other people who aren't necessarily like them, that yours is a SHARED apartment, and that they need to be considerate towards others with the common space. If you've got the "good" potheads, your problems should stop there.
If you've got manboys, just give up. You can't really reason with those assholes, and they won't shape up without at least a few years more life experience. In this case, apply for a room transfer, most colleges are very accomodating about that.
Really, a dorm room isn't for studying; that's what a library is for, and it's usually a bad idea to try to study in your dorm. Psychologically, the library is a lot more effective.
Other than just "smoking pot," what are your complaints, specifically? I see stealing food; what else?
First, talk to them. Explain your position to them (could they smoke less, somewhere else, not during midterms, stop taking my food, etc.). By always leaving and avoiding the issues (You forget to talk to them about stealing your food? Yeah, right.) you're also giving them the space and permission to continue with it and even get worse.
Second, if that doesn't work, then you can easily go and say that there are personality conflicts, schedule conflicts (they're always up late), etc. Even say they're very social, while you're very studies oriented. You've tried to work it out, but the 3 of you just can't stay together. Ask for a roommate switch, but only after talking to them first. I'm sure the dorm folks will ask if you've tried to work it out. If you say "no" then they aren't going to help you. If you talk to them and it just can't be resolved, you could probably even get their help with it.
To the OP: I too recommend the library over a dorm room. The library is meant to be quiet at all times, unlike dorm rooms.
Obviously, there's some wiggle room here, so stop pretending it's a black/white issue.
A lot of schools wouldn't even talk to the guys about it, they would just move you and let nature take its course being that A. They figure the students will get caught smoking eventually and punished or B. Those students might not last too much longer anyway with their habits (which may or may not be true, I've known some hardworking genius habitual cannabis smokers.)
It's a bummer that your RA is not in a position to sympathize - when I was an RA I knew who was a pot smoker on my floor, we just either never caught them or had an agreement that they wouldn't do it in the building.
Your reason for the change is that you aren't getting along at all: they're noisy, food of yours is going missing (don't say theft), they keep different hours to you. Those are good reasons to move. Your reason to move is that the environment doesn't suit you at all, it's not because they're smoking pot.
Politely ask them to stop. Twice even if you feel like it.
Tell them if they don't stop you'll inform the RA.
Inform the RA and/or try to get moved if you want to. To be honest you seem to be the odd man out in the dorm and it honestly does seem fairer that you move to a more comfortable environment than they get kicked out. It would also prevent rumors spreading about yourself. Though it's entirely up to you.
The point isn't that they are committing a crime, the point is that they are being completely obnoxious while committing the crime and it is affecting the OP negatively.
I'm totally fine with under-age drinking; it doesn't bother me. However, if my roommates drank wine on a regular basis, got drunk and annoyed me to the point where I felt like I had to not be there, when I am paying as much as they are for the room, I'd consider ratting them out, sure. After talking to them about it, that is.
Also, I take issue with your previous "a dorm room isn't for studying" comment. It's true that libraries are good for studying, but the point is that if someone is paying for a room, it is them who gets to decide what their room is for and what it is not for. I used to do most of my studying in my dorm room because it is infinitely more comfortable than the library. I sure as hell would not give it away because a couple of retarded roommates have decided I don't exist.
All I can say is I am damn glad I never got stuck with some fucking pothead in college.
I'm not saying that's fair, because it's not; by the same token, it's not fair for the OP to kill their fun without saying a goddamn word to them and trying to compromise.
If that doesn't work, go to the RA and request a room change because they're too loud and social, and it's negatively affecting your academic work. That's a very good reason. No need to rat them out; it's not the pot that's the problem, it's their personalities clashing with yours. It'd be just as annoying if they were non-pothead loud guys, or if they were of-age but drinking and partying a lot, etc.
It's hard to beleive anyone could be that inconsiderate. All of my friends are massive stoners, and I've never seen any of them act like a truly shitty roommate. People are generally polite if you make it clear you're uncomfortable, especially if you live with them.
Plus they may genuinely be oblivious to the problems they're causing.
To the OP:
The best way to go about this is just to talk to your roommates, I'm sure if you explained to them that there being a bit of a pain most of them will wise up. Communication is key. If they continue to piss you off then just move out.
Also couldn't you just keep your food in your room if they have the habit of stealing it? With the exception of stealing some food they seem to be at least tolerable.
After that I headed to class and saw my Residence Hall Coordinator(she's above the RA's, basically the person you need to get through to get anything done) and asked her what I can do to get a roommate change, she was kind of useless and said that there are absolutely no roommate changes without mediation first and asked what kind of issues I was having, I just said tons and told her I'd talk to her later about it as I was running late for class.
I'm going to go to the Housing Administration tomorrow and see if maybe I can get a Hall change to the dorms at the end of the semester or something without having to deal with the the RHC.
As for them smoking too much, I just have no idea how to approach the issue. I guess I could say that I'm afraid of getting caught and hence seem to stay the hell away from the apartment? It's kind of true to an extent I guess.
The realities of dorm life differ from college to college, and from dorm to dorm. When I was moving in to the dorms in freshman year no one told me I might get a pothead roommate. It sure wasn't in the contract, and it sure was not mentioned to me by the RD when I talked to him on the phone.
I think this is a huge cop out Than and you know it. The "realities of dorm life", whatever the hell they are, do not give anyone the excuse to treat their roommates like crap. You know this.
They are infringing on his rights. This doesn't have anything to do with math. Roommates do not get to override someone else's vote with their majority. That's not how it works, especially not in the dorms, and especially when they are breaking the contract rules and the law.
Well, of course.
As for how to handle it, its pretty simple in my book. First, ask them to stop (mainly the smoking/loud drunkeness would bother me). If they at least show signs of trying to be careful around you, regardless of it works, then at least they are trying. If they don't, go to the RA, and fess up. I don't give a damn about three people paying for a room so they get to do whatever they want blah. Every student has the right to be able to study, sleep and live in their dorms without being subject to smoking and constant loud noise. Screw the fact that it's illegal or anything. They are disturbing his right to use his space. He is not disturbing theirs.
Besides, even if he did rat them out, I highly doubt anyone who isn't an asshole anyway would get all pissy about it. Most people at my school would be pretty pissed off if their roommates did that stuff. Just say "Excuse me for wanting to be able to sleep without smoke everywhere and a drunken guy shitfaced in my bed." (that might be slightly exagerating, but you get the idea). If they still think you're an asshole after that, good for them.
At my former university, pot issues were not handled in house. That is, they were handled through the cops. Now, what that means is that when someone was smoking pot and it was smelled in the hallways or whatever, the cops were called to deal with it. There, naturally, lies the problem; the activity had to be noticed first. Here's a fun bit, an RA will not notice a lot of things for the sake of floor harmony. If you've got other people that are annoyed by it, or no one notices it outside of your room, or whatever, there is no way your RA is ever going to be able to do anything about helping you out. Take that for what it is.
Also, you do not necessarily need to get out of most housing contracts in order to change rooms. Go visit your housing office and ask them if it is possible to switch to another room somewhere else. If it's a big enough campus this should be a short enough process as a lot of people find that they fit better somewhere else.
You're in a shitty situation, and I feel for you there, and it sucks more due to the illegal element of it. Talk to housing and as long as you are firm in changing rooms or buildings they will probably be able to help you out. They really (in my experience) only gave people a hard time about having a huge reason when the individual wanted to cancel their housing contract outright.
I'm not going to comment on this ethics argument going on above though; that's another ball of wax entirely.
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Next time they're all in there smoking, snap a digital photo. Take it straight to the Hall Coordinator: "Drug policy violations say: skip the mediation and get me some cooler roomies." With a pic, you have some proof. They have nothing, plus their credibility is in the crapper.
Some people may think that's harsh. I say: anybody who breaks those rules in the dorms takes a chance - every time they light up, take a drink, whatever - they've decided the short-term pleasure is worth the risk of getting caught or ratted out, losing their room and possibly facing other action. Some of them always get called on that decision, and sometimes it happens because they made the additional mistake of pissing off someone who knew too much.
That fucking sucks.
they wouldn't get kicked out for bothering someone
they'd get kicked out for doing drugs
In your situation the tolerance threshold has passed and you need to do something about it, I would highly go against doing what you can to get them into trouble. I used to be a Wild land firefighter, and on the different fires there was a shot crew comprised of non-violent inmates.
My supervisor gave us a quick lecture about how they are hard workers and we should treat them just like any co worker, and truly that they are our friends and family that simply got caught.
By smoking pot they are accepting some risk, I would hope by trusting you they don't take on even more risk, that kind of behavior lacks integrity and general good will.
My personality type is aggressive, I go after what I want and I work well in conflicts, maybe thats not you but maybe you can give it a try.
My roommates started smoking Cigarettes in the apartment, I cant stand the smell and told them that the living room is all of ours, and because of that it should be a place where all of us can be comfortable. I gave them the option of smoking in their room with the window open but they didn't want their clothes and bed stuff reeking of smoke, and they began to see why I didn't like them smoking in the living room.
I think you could get to two of the three roommates without much of an issue, the third one that got on the defense about you making comment on the food, he might not be that easy to work with. Also bring to their attention what they are doing and the percussions it can have on their school and university life, some people find it worth it, others dont.
If it becomes pretty bad, and they don't listen to you and respect you at all, maybe you can request a new smoke detector or possibly just talk to your RA off the record, maybe he can pretend you tried mediation and it didn't work.