Learn to be alone

DodgeBlan

Inspired (like so many relationship threads) by the events of H/A, this thread is about learning to be alone.

So often we hear the phrase that someone needs to 'learn to be alone before they can be happy with someone else'. The idea that someone needs to build up an emotional maturity/self sufficience before they can make a relationship work. Now I'm sure no one will contest that being dependent on another person for your own piece of mind is a Bad Thing that needs to be resisted. But the question is- how does one learn to be alone?

Many people (shut-in social failure nerds like us for example) survive for years without a relationship and yet as soon as they get into one they seem to forget everything they 'learnt' and place their new SO is sole steward and vessel for their own happiness. And then when it self destructs life does too.

So has anyone on this board ever learnt to be alone? How did you do it? Was it hard?

I am of the opinion that people are either dependent or self-sufficient (sliding scale between the two) and I really can't fathom how someone could 'learn' to be either. Alternatively, maybe its not so bad to be dependent. Lots of people live happy lives jumping from relationship to relationship.

Podly

In high school, I went to a private school (all guys) that was an hour away from my house. Most of my good friends lived about an hour and a half from my house. I spent a lot of time by myself, reading, writing, and just thinking. At first, I hated it. However, I really came to understand who I was and what I wanted out of life. When I came to college, I didn't feel any loneliness and I was the happiest I'd ever been. I started a relationship that is still going on after almost a year.

Self-Knowledge is one of the most important things in the world.

Mahnmut

DodgeBlan wrote: »

I am of the opinion that people are either dependent or self-sufficient (sliding scale between the two) and I really can't fathom how someone could 'learn' to be either. Alternatively, maybe its not so bad to be dependent. Lots of people live happy lives jumping from relationship to relationship.

I'd agree, except that I myself tend to slide back and forth along this scale. On some days, solitude is all continence and contentment; on others, it's cold and palpably draining. And, here's the thing -- it really feels as though I should be able to induce the first state at will. I can't -- and can't figure out how I would -- but it really does seem like a Learnable Thing.

KupotheAvenger

Interesting. Well I believe learning to be alone is the confidence to know that you can survive on your own. That's a bit different from the shut in nerd experience because you aren't really on your own by any conscious decision on your part, more on the fact that your lifestyle doesn't have you interacting with people in the first place. So it's more of that when "shut-in social failure nerds like us", get into a relationship, its our first true taste of interaction. Thus when that first interaction/relationship, the entire boat sinks, so to speak.

From my personal experience, learning to be alone meant that, and i'm dead serious, I became more confident and that confidence stemmed from my ability to pick up on girls almost in any situation. It was a moment of understanding my self worth instead of lowering it; a reaction that was almost as natural as breathing in my pre-relationship pre-interaction mind.

Church

...Alone?

That is... That is a very scary thought.

MikeRyu

It's funny I have been on my own for what seems like forever now, and when I think about it it's scary and weird but most of the time it feels perfectly normal to me, like it'll never change. I hope that my time outside of relationships hasn't been wasted and that I have grown inside. Of course you can only do so much internally, but still it is often forgotten if there is so much going on in your life. Does that make sense?

ElJeffe

I guess I'm more or less self-dependent. I've never been truly happy without someone else to share experiences with, but when I was single in college I wasn't wandering around all mopey and miserable, either. If my wife left me, I'd be devastated, but I figure I'd probably find someone else again eventually. Is that self-dependence? Meh, whatever the case, I'm happily married and reasonably self confident, I suppose.

Romantic Undead

I've been with the same girl for some time now, and we spend almost all of our weekends together. It's great to feel like I'm actually "doing" something on the weekends instead of just sitting at home and vegging out and playing games.

However, two weeks ago was Rememberance day here in Canada, and it's an optional holiday. Being a government worker, I got the day off, but my girlfriend didn't, which meant I had an entire day all to myself. Fearing that I'd be bored, I thought about ways that I could spend my time.

I woke up that morning bright and early, (but not too bright and early) feeling refreshed. I took a shower, put on my favorite ratty hat and my boots and went out for a long walk along the main street near my house.

I stopped by my local comic books shop and browsed for a while, picked up some roleplaying books and then went for a late breakfast at Denny's all by myself.

And the whole time, I had this great floaty feeling in my chest, my steps felt as light as air and I must have had a stupid grin on my face the whole time.
As much as I love my girlfriend, having a chance to spend time with just myself felt really good.

reVerse

For me learning to be alone was pretty easy seeing how I in general hate being around people. Talking, being in presence of someone else... no, just no. I'd rather be by myself and devote all my attention to myself and things I like rather than spending valuable energy and time on tolerating other people and whatever things they happen to be into.

Apothe0sis

DodgeBlan

deep.

Romantic Undead

The red X is a stark reminder that, in the end, we are all alone.

redx

ouch.

Apothe0sis

Damnit!

electricitylikesme

I am learning to be alone right now, I think.

Apothe0sis

ege02

I love being alone. Being able to do whatever the fuck I want whenever I want is a great feeling. I think this is why I've always been so hesitant to enter long-term relationships; I dread losing my freedoms.

I very rarely sit at home when I'm alone. Most of the time I'm out and about, sitting at coffee shops reading, or walking around taking pictures with my DSLR. Sometimes I go play pick-up soccer, sometimes I go to the gym. I'm not accountable to anyone and I don't have to plan my life around another person. It's great!

I figure eventually I'll be married anyway so what's the hurry.

KalTorak

http://youtube.com/watch?v=aLse7g_Nfuo

Sorry, thread title just made me think of this song. Crappy movie, good song.

KrunkMcGrunk

I moved away from Purdue University, back to Indianapolis a year ago. Because I don't have many friends who aren't going to school in another town, I've learned to be by myself. I can't say that I regret it.

There's a strange thing that happens when you are left in a solitude like this. You're taken out of your comfort zone with your friends, and you are forced to cope somehow. Because of that, I really learned a lot about who I am, and what I am truly about. I don't have outside forces constantly weighing in on me. I feel much more confident, and self-sufficient now, but for a while I was very insecure, and frankly I was quite scared. Sometimes I am still a bit worried at the prospect of being some 60 year-old hermit with no friends, and no family. But I know that is extremely unlikely for me. Anyhow, my social life is picking up again, and I think that's due to the fact that all that time alone has really helped me reflect, and become a more well-adjusted, confident person.

Learning to be alone is not an easy thing to do, and given the choice, I don't think many people would consciously make the effort. It seems to be something that you are forced into, and forced to deal with.

Hacksaw

Learning to be alone for people who find themselves to be socially dependent is pretty much just as important as learning to be around/interact with others for someone who is a social recluse. Being able to maneuver effectively at either end of the spectrum is extremely valuable.

Incenjucar

Hacksaw wrote: »

Learning to be alone for people who find themselves to be socially dependent is pretty much just as important as learning to be around/interact with others for someone who is a social recluse. Being able to maneuver effectively at either end of the spectrum is extremely valuable.

This.

ege02

Hacksaw wrote: »

Learning to be alone for people who find themselves to be socially dependent is pretty much just as important as learning to be around/interact with others for someone who is a social recluse. Being able to maneuver effectively at either end of the spectrum is extremely valuable.

It's not really a spectrum. A socially-dependent person isn't necessarily socially well-adjusted, and a social recluse doesn't necessarily lack social skills.

If there is a spectrum, it exists between two ends:

self-reliance and internal validation - being comfortable with being alone, and having self-confidence that is independent of what others think of you
vs.
reliance on others and being externally validated - always looking for others for their approval and attention, having your self-value based on what they think

My 2 cents.

The Nameless One

I don't think it's about learning to be alone, it's about learning to be happy with yourself before trying to be happy with someone else.

ElJeffe

The Nameless One wrote: »

I don't think it's about learning to be alone, it's about learning to be happy with yourself before trying to be happy with someone else.

"Learning to be alone" is basically code for what you just said. But yes.

Incidentally, I love having a day entirely to myself.

The Nameless One

Me, too.

Can't beat those "I know I have the place to myself" wanks!

ViolentChemistry

ege02 wrote: »

Hacksaw wrote: »

Learning to be alone for people who find themselves to be socially dependent is pretty much just as important as learning to be around/interact with others for someone who is a social recluse. Being able to maneuver effectively at either end of the spectrum is extremely valuable.

It's not really a spectrum. A socially-dependent person isn't necessarily socially well-adjusted, and a social recluse doesn't necessarily lack social skills.

If there is a spectrum, it exists between two ends:

self-reliance and internal validation - being comfortable with being alone, and having self-confidence that is independent of what others think of you
vs.
reliance on others and being externally validated - always looking for others for their approval and attention, having your self-value based on what they think

My 2 cents.

I don't see why the two can't be mixed. Lots of functionally self-reliant people require external validation, and lots of people who are functionally dependent on others find validation internally. That's not a very good spectrum.

ege02

ViolentChemistry wrote: »

ege02 wrote: »

Hacksaw wrote: »

Learning to be alone for people who find themselves to be socially dependent is pretty much just as important as learning to be around/interact with others for someone who is a social recluse. Being able to maneuver effectively at either end of the spectrum is extremely valuable.

It's not really a spectrum. A socially-dependent person isn't necessarily socially well-adjusted, and a social recluse doesn't necessarily lack social skills.

If there is a spectrum, it exists between two ends:

self-reliance and internal validation - being comfortable with being alone, and having self-confidence that is independent of what others think of you
vs.
reliance on others and being externally validated - always looking for others for their approval and attention, having your self-value based on what they think

My 2 cents.

I don't see why the two can't be mixed. Lots of functionally self-reliant people require external validation, and lots of people who are functionally dependent on others find validation internally. That's not a very good spectrum.

If a person requires external validation they are not self-reliant by definition.

In other words, self-reliance means not relying on other people's validation.

I am however willing to concede that being on the extreme ends of the spectrum - on either end - is not a good thing. We are, after all, social beings. If nobody ever gave a shit about what other people think, society wouldn't exist.

ViolentChemistry

ege02 wrote: »

ViolentChemistry wrote: »

ege02 wrote: »

Hacksaw wrote: »

Learning to be alone for people who find themselves to be socially dependent is pretty much just as important as learning to be around/interact with others for someone who is a social recluse. Being able to maneuver effectively at either end of the spectrum is extremely valuable.

It's not really a spectrum. A socially-dependent person isn't necessarily socially well-adjusted, and a social recluse doesn't necessarily lack social skills.

If there is a spectrum, it exists between two ends:

self-reliance and internal validation - being comfortable with being alone, and having self-confidence that is independent of what others think of you
vs.
reliance on others and being externally validated - always looking for others for their approval and attention, having your self-value based on what they think

My 2 cents.

I don't see why the two can't be mixed. Lots of functionally self-reliant people require external validation, and lots of people who are functionally dependent on others find validation internally. That's not a very good spectrum.

If a person requires external validation they are not self-reliant by definition.

In other words, self-reliance means not relying on other people's validation.

I am however willing to concede that being on the extreme ends of the spectrum - on either end - is not a good thing. We are, after all, social beings. If nobody ever gave a shit about what other people think, society wouldn't exist.

See where I'm from self-reliance means you put your own food on the table and a roof over your own head, by definition.

Magus`

I find that I'm a pretty big loner, but when I do get a friend it's usually a really strange thing where I talk to them a lot until they burn out on me and I never talk to them again.

I have issues, yes.

ege02

t VC: That is self-reliance too.

I'm saying self-reliance as a concept doesn't cover only material self-reliance. For instance, confidence. Do you rely on other people's positive opinions and perceptions of yourself for your confidence, or do you rely on your own perception of yourself for it?

ViolentChemistry

ege02 wrote: »

t VC: That is self-reliance too.

I'm saying self-reliance as a concept doesn't cover only material self-reliance. For instance, confidence. Do you rely on other people's positive opinions and perceptions of yourself for your confidence, or do you rely on your own perception of yourself for it?

Who cares?

Edit: No seriously, I'm irrelevant.

ege02

Okay.

ViolentChemistry

So supposing someone were to rely on their own perception of themself for confidence, where does that perception come from? Is there some sort of primal self-infatuation that they have to draw from for it to count or does it still count as relying on their own perception of themself if they learned the perspectives that give them that perception from ideas taken from other people, be it things they've read, movies they've seen, games they've played, music they listen to, etc?

Wash

Learning to be alone can help with being with others as far as confidence goes sometimes. Aside from being comfortable with oneself and being self-reliant, there's also something to be gained from not finding other people all that necessary to be around. I've noticed the people most desperate for company are the least likely to get it because they want it so bad and end up... well, a bit creepy, needy and desperate. Those people aren't fun. The ones who don't care don't behave that way, they're confident, and these qualities which can be attained after learning to be fine on your own may help a lot when interacting with other people. Confidence goes a long way.

ege02

ViolentChemistry wrote: »

So supposing someone were to rely on their own perception of themself for confidence, where does that perception come from? Is there some sort of primal self-infatuation that they have to draw from for it to count or does it still count as relying on their own perception of themself if they learned the perspectives that give them that perception from ideas taken from other people, be it things they've read, movies they've seen, games they've played, music they listen to, etc?

I think a little bit of both.

The distinction I'm trying to make is thinking you are, say, smart because your friends have always thought of you as smart, and thinking you're smart because you know you are smart. You can still compare yourself to others to gain this perception, but the point is that you don't need their validation or approval to have it.

Hacksaw

ege02 wrote: »

Hacksaw wrote: »

Learning to be alone for people who find themselves to be socially dependent is pretty much just as important as learning to be around/interact with others for someone who is a social recluse. Being able to maneuver effectively at either end of the spectrum is extremely valuable.

It's not really a spectrum. A socially-dependent person isn't necessarily socially well-adjusted, and a social recluse doesn't necessarily lack social skills.

If there is a spectrum, it exists between two ends:

self-reliance and internal validation - being comfortable with being alone, and having self-confidence that is independent of what others think of you
vs.
reliance on others and being externally validated - always looking for others for their approval and attention, having your self-value based on what they think

My 2 cents.

Way to miss the point of my post.

ege02

I didn't miss the point. I simply refined it.

Hacksaw

ege02 wrote: »

I didn't miss the point. I simply refined it.

Actually you did, by a country mile.

ege02

Hacksaw wrote: »

ege02 wrote: »

I didn't miss the point. I simply refined it.

Actually you did, by a country mile.

I refined it by a country mile?

I see.

:P

Feral

Hacksaw has a point. I'm very self-reliant, sometimes to the point of isolation. (I learned it from my dad, who was the same way.)

It's not healthy when taken to an extreme. There was a time in my life when I'd refuse to ask for help when I really needed it, and I occasionally even refused it when it was offered.

There are a lot of unhealthy internal places that that kind of behavior comes from. Part of me didn't believe I deserved help. Part of me was afraid that other people would see me as a leech if I accepted help. Part of it was that I had trouble trusting other people. But mostly it was just an unreasonable internal standard that I forced upon myself; I expected myself to be some kind of superman who forged on in his life without help.

Besides being self-sacrificial, and ultimately bad for one's physical, emotional, and psychological health; it makes it hard to develop intimate relationships. As with all things, there is a happy medium. Part of the point of being in a relationship is to support your partner's growth as a person. Sometimes that means offering them help, as long as that help does not sabotage yourself. Sometimes that means letting them forge on alone, as long as going it alone does not sabotage them. Being able to tell the difference between the two sides is a graceful art that I'm still learning.

Hacksaw

ege02 wrote: »

Hacksaw wrote: »

ege02 wrote: »

I didn't miss the point. I simply refined it.

Actually you did, by a country mile.

I refined it by a country mile?

I see.

:P

Are you being dense on purpose?

EDIT: My point was that people who tend to find themselves on the lone wolf/hermit side of the spectrum should learn how to function in normal social situations. And vice versa; people who are shameless socialites should learn how to function in circumstances that leave them socially isolated. Being able to move between both worlds comfotably is an important and valuable ability.