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What's this? A GIRL THREAD.
noir_blood
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'll try to keep this as short as possible.
I been seeing this girl for about two months or so. We get along great and all that good stuff. Today I took her out for some lunch. As we were getting out of the parking lot, I happen to get into a small fender bender(thankfully nothing happened to either car). The thing is, the moment that I hit the car, I let out a very loud and angry "FUCK". I never gotten in a car accident before, this is a new car, and I the hit felt a hell of a lot worse than it ended up being, so I don't think I was doing anything out of the ordinary.
Once I resolve things with the other driver, I get back into my car and drive off. I'm still kinda silent, mostly because I'm embarrased that I crashed, and angry at myself for crashing. On her end, she's just texting back and forth on her phone and not saying much. I ask her if she's okay/angry, and she says nothing's wrong. She continues texting. So I finally get kinda annoy and ask her if she's texting someone about what just happen, and she say's yes.
I'll admit that sort of bothers me, because instead of talking to me, she's just texting her friend and telling her everything that just happened.(Which amounted to me backing into someone and yelling fuck) I explain to her that it makes me feel crappy that instead she talks to me about how she's feeling, she just goes into text mode. Turns out that she got scared with my yelling, as she was surprise to find I had a temper. I tried to explain to her how I felt at that moment, but I don't think she fully understood/bought it.
We ended things we me droping her off at work and a quick "i'll talk to you later". Thing is, I don't know what am I suppose to say or do. My ego tells me I didn't really do anything wrong, so I don't know what I should be apologizing, and it bothers me that she didn't apologize for texting she did.
Am I wrong here? How should i pursue this?
I been seeing this girl for about two months or so. We get along great and all that good stuff. Today I took her out for some lunch. As we were getting out of the parking lot, I happen to get into a small fender bender(thankfully nothing happened to either car). The thing is, the moment that I hit the car, I let out a very loud and angry "FUCK". I never gotten in a car accident before, this is a new car, and I the hit felt a hell of a lot worse than it ended up being, so I don't think I was doing anything out of the ordinary.
Once I resolve things with the other driver, I get back into my car and drive off. I'm still kinda silent, mostly because I'm embarrased that I crashed, and angry at myself for crashing. On her end, she's just texting back and forth on her phone and not saying much. I ask her if she's okay/angry, and she says nothing's wrong. She continues texting. So I finally get kinda annoy and ask her if she's texting someone about what just happen, and she say's yes.
I'll admit that sort of bothers me, because instead of talking to me, she's just texting her friend and telling her everything that just happened.(Which amounted to me backing into someone and yelling fuck) I explain to her that it makes me feel crappy that instead she talks to me about how she's feeling, she just goes into text mode. Turns out that she got scared with my yelling, as she was surprise to find I had a temper. I tried to explain to her how I felt at that moment, but I don't think she fully understood/bought it.
We ended things we me droping her off at work and a quick "i'll talk to you later". Thing is, I don't know what am I suppose to say or do. My ego tells me I didn't really do anything wrong, so I don't know what I should be apologizing, and it bothers me that she didn't apologize for texting she did.
Am I wrong here? How should i pursue this?
noir_blood on
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So yeah, you're wrong about this situation. You snapped and frightened her into not talking to you. You should just call her up and apologize for letting go of your temper, and that you aren't normally like that.
The best thing would be to just call her up or see her in person, and simply explain to her that your outburst was in the heat of the moment and that you're sorry if it made her feel in any way uncomfortable. Yeah, you shouldn't have to apologize since you weren't really wrong, but part of being in a relationship is making sure the other person knows that you appreciate how they feel and that you care about how the two of you interact with each other emotionally. Apologizing to her for the outburst will go a long way toward that goal.
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Next time something bad happens with her around, talk to her about it later so she knows you're not going to blow up in her face for something that isn't her fault. Not that you would, but she doesn't know that.
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her going into text mode is pretty childish. and rude.
so don't apologize. are you going to have to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells because she can't deal with an outburst? so next time you're using a circular saw and rip the tip of your finger off, you're supposed to just say "oh chucks" and go merrily about your way?
That said, I seriously doubt this will have to be the case here. The more likely scenario is that she has simply never seen him get angry like that before (as he pretty much said in the OP) and she just didn't know how to react to it. After all, they've only been going out for two months, so they are probably still discovering new things about each other all the time (I've been married for over five years, and I'm still learning new things about my wife). She sees this and she thinks to herself, "Is he showing his true colors here?" By going to her, telling her that it was just a reaction in an intense moment and that he's sorry that it scared her, she can feel more assured that it isn't typical of his personality. That way, next time it happens, she can shrug it off and not become so worried about it. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she also apologized to him afterwards, once she realizes that she overreacted as well. But somebody has to do it first.
The truth is, talking about it and apologizing for it will avoid having to walk on eggshells around it later. What will cause awkwardness and trepidation between the two of them is being stubborn, not talking about it, and refusing to apologize. It's in both of their interests if he just bites the bullet and does it.
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Also, the texting thing was pretty childish. You might want to talk to her about open communication, and say something like "I felt like you didn't want to talk to me..." or something like that to see if there's some way she can manage the situation without immediately bringing a third party in.
I'm willing to bet that she may have been stuck with someone verbally abusive/aggressive in the past, maybe an old bf or family member. Going quiet is a pretty ordinary defense mechanism in that context. And just because she's talking to someone else about it doesn't mean she's painting you in a bad light in those texts. That's jumping to conclusions.
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Anyway, something similar happened to me as well (well, at least how my boyfriend reacted is similar, and might help you realize how she may be feeling). I was really stressed out from college, and various other things, and normally i'm a *very* relaxed and laid back person. Well, one day my boyfriend and I were hanging out, and I forget what he did, but it annoyed me really badly, and it showed. Well, he was a bit distant for the rest of the day, and then later I asked him about it.
He said it really freaked him out, and my reaction to what he did was constantly on his mind, and he was wondering if I was really like that, and if I would always get like how I did.
What I did was nothing bad. I was just annoyed, and let him know that I was (and it was only for like 2 minutes before I got over it), but it stuck with him for some reason.
By yelling "FUCK" loudly, you startled her, and she's never seen that side of you, so she's probably just worried that you'd react like that in other situations, or that you have a bad temper.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. You don't have to apologize for how you *acted* per sey , but let her know that you're not normally like that, and only say you're sorry for scaring her.
I hope this helps.
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As for you, don't make this into a huge deal. Neither of you did anything wrong, and you have nothing to apologize for, really but you should at least explain yourself, prefacing your explanation with a casual "Sorry." And, as much as I personally find what your girlfriend did to be annoying (because she's basically talking about you behind your back in front of you, if that makes any sense), I can understand why she would feel too intimidated to talk to you directly about it.
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The point is, we don't know all the details of their relationship. If she reacted in that way to a seemingly minor issue, there are either some other underlying issues there, or we aren't getting the whole story (which we probably aren't going to get unless we hear her side of the story). The best thing he can do is go to her with a gentle and open attitude and let her know that he didn't mean to make her uncomfortable. If he approaches her with an attitude that he didn't do anything wrong and screw her for being upset... what good is that going to do?
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Yeah, besides, on the bright side, it's better that she is talking to someone about it than to no one. Things like this can be harmful to relationships if people keep them to themselves and brood over it.
But honestly, I don't think texting is the appropriate venue for discussing what happened. Maybe we can get her into witness protection and find her a support group of some kind where she can get some real help.
Or, maybe she's making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe she should talk to him about what's bothering her, where the conversation would do some good. Maybe if she'd learn to let little things like this slide, her boyfriend wouldn't be so worried he'd have to come here to ask for help.
Again, they've only been dating for two months. She doesn't know if this is just an arbitrary incident or if it's indicative of his real personality. If he has any desire to move past this, he should just approach her and reassure her that it's no big deal and isn't typical of his personality. It doesn't have to be the big event you make it out to be, just a simple conversation... you know, like people do in a normal relationship.
Telling her she's the one with a problem is a good way to be a huge dickhead, even if there is some truth to it.
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(That being said I did lose it a bit yesterday when I found out someone broke into my car but no one was around so that was ok)
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I would argue that people who feel like they need to "keep it cool" and not get angry or upset if anyone is around are worse than people who get a little upset when bad things happen.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with what happened in this situation. It's not like your anger was directed at her in any way, and there's nothing wrong with expressing yourself -- especially in a relationship you're trying to develop. It's more healthy than bottling it up and never letting her see how you really feel. Honestly, seriously, there's no need to make a big deal out of any of this, it's such a minor situation. If you want, say you're sorry for scaring her but .. I don't really see why you need to do that.
If she can't handle the fact that you're going to be angry once in a while when something bad happens, then I seriously doubt the relationship would go anywhere, anyway. At this point she hasn't acted too strongly in either way, though. The fact that she started texting someone about the situation as it was happening seems kind of silly to me, though. Work on your communication with her, the relationship is still young -- just let her know that she can tell you if you do something that bothers her. It'll help you both if you understand what bothers her and why. A lot more than her talking to other people about it will help her.
If you're going to be asking about anything being wrong in this situation, it's the whole "What's up/is everything okay?" "I'm fine" garbage. I can't stand it when people tell me "I'm fine" when they obviously have a problem. Open communication.
Don't worry about this, if she has a problem she needs to talk to you and tell you what it is.
I don't know if that is true. My wife was like that at first, but as we got to know each other better, she knew that I didn't have a problem with my temper. It all really depends on the person I think.
that is pretty sketchy though. If he "crashed" his car into ANYTHING and didnt say a word...i would be more afraid if i were the girl. Maybe the guy crashes into things all the time and now it doesnt mean anything to him anymore?
I'm leaning towards Jeff's side here though. If she doesnt understand emotions such as frustration in a moment where you damaged your car, then....i....dont know. That is pretty mind boggling.
If I had no basis for understanding how an accident can trickle down into so many aspects of a person's life, I would be started by someone being angry at hitting someone like that. It's kind of like if you have no idea how much something costs, you have no basis for understanding the money aspects of it -- and rarely are people forward with personal finances, especially if they're not specifically asked about them.
The fact that she was texting someone right after you got in a car accident, and not about the accident but about the fact that you were pissed about it, means she simply didn't understand what happened. To her, the thing that surprised her was that you got angry. Not that someone could've been hurt, or that you could've gotten stuck with a huge bill or series of bills. That's what makes me think she has no basis for understanding why people are generally accident averse, and why people get understandably upset when something happens to their car.
I mean, to me it reads like, as an example, running into someone's heels with a shopping cart. You know it hurts, you know the person using the cart wasn't paying attention, and the person who just got hit is pissed off. No one says "I can't believe you're angry I hit you with this shopping cart."
There's more than one way to say "fuck", cap'ns. And as was pointed out it's possible she was previously involved with someone who had anger-management issues, so the more energetic/aggressive "fuck"s out there could reasonably freak her out a bit at the early stages of a relationship. Especially if you follow it up with yelling at her for texting her friend about it. If all he did was back into something and gave a super-energetic "FUCK!" accompanied by the anger-tensing people do with their muscles when they get riled up and maybe punching the wheel or something and I were the passenger I wouldn't likely be scared but I'd probably suggest he get on some prozac or something. We weren't there, we didn't see it, we're getting one side of the story and that side is clearly phrased carefully to paint the voice innocent. It's not wrong to get frustrated when you damage your car but there's something wrong with yelling at people for getting a little freaked out when you go off about something in front of them for the first time.
man, its monday...i overlook things. That changes my aspect on things entirely. if she was in a previous relationship where anger management was an issue, then yeah...i could understand now.
God there's nothing worse than being pissed about something, and then your girl being upset that you're pissed about it. It just pisses me off more and it creates a string of events that ultimately ends up us laughing about it a day later.
We don't know whether or not she was, or one of her close friends was or whatever. It is not an uncommon experience for people nor the only possible situation under which she could have developed an aversion to angry outbursts so it's not unreasonable to think that maybe there might have been some kind of actual reason for her behaviour. Certainly not more unreasonable than assuming she's just batshit and doesn't understand human emotions.
The point is that sitting here pointing fingers and assigning blame with incomplete information will not help anyone. The best advice is going to come from assuming that neither one of them did anything empirically or horribly wrong and think how the situation can be calmed down and reasoned out between the two people.
Jeebus, dude. You hit another car. Safety Bear says: 'Epic Fail'. A normal reaction to this would be uncertainty and stress, and not a lot of good feelings towards the bonehead who can't drive. Maybe shes texting about what a bonehead you are, cuz you were a bonehead. You owe her the apology for putting her in a bad situation. Doesn't even matter if its 'not your fault', you were still behind the wheel.
NBD? Prolly, with time. Give someone another lovetap while shes in the seat though, and I wouldn't be surprised if suddenly she'd rather not see you or take public transit or something. Care, concern and attention can become a pretty serious thing if there is a consistantly demonstrated lack of it. Mebbe you'll want to throw some extra care and attention her way to make up for it. Asking for an apology from her?
No. *slap* Stop being a retard.