For the past 2 years I have been really good friends with and have gone on the occasional "date" with a girl who we will call K. I have had feelings for her throughout this time but about a year ago she started going out with a good friend of mine who we will call J. Now I accepted this and took it in stride, I want her to be happy in her life so I settled for being best friends with her.
Over the summer I became involved with a girl who we will call C. C and I get along really well and we hook up whenever we are in the same province (she goes to school in Victoria). Now from what her roomates have told me she has feelings for me, and I definately like her too, but recently something has come up to make me question this.
About a week ago K called me saying she had broken up with J, so we went out and had a couple drinks and talked about it. She decided she didn't want to "push away the people she needs most" and got back together with him but now she has been calling me every night upset and crying about her relationship. To top things off we went out on Friday night to the bar and she basically let the fact that she loves me slip out and later gave me a kiss on the cheek.
What I want to know is what you think my best course of action might be? Should I wait it out and see how it goes with K or should I stick with C who I know will eventually be back here to stay? Would it be wrong of me to pursue K when she breaks up with J because he and I are friends?
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Key points here. You've got something good with C, and K can, at any time, run back to J. I'd choose C if I were you.
Beyond that, be patient. If things are going to work with K, they probably aren't going to work the week after. Talk to her about your hesitancy and I trust she knows about C. Let her know that's a concern and ask her directly what her intentions with you are. Work on it from there.
But seriously, don't place too much stock in some barroom flirting.
I don't mean that in a "girls are helpless" way, but rather that many people would rather end a relationship by setting up a rebound and using that to kill the old relationship, and then end the [relatively meaningless] rebound relationship a month or two later, once the feelings for the original person have died off.
If you date K, it is unlikely that C will simply wait around for you. It is also unlikely that a relationship with you and K would go anywhere, other than towards a lot of messy drama with C and J anyway.
It's only a pickle if you let you and K drift towards a makeshift relationship built solely on her breaking up with J. Just because you had some history with K doesn't mean you owe her anything, and just because she's suddenly being forward doesn't mean you should just accept it.
Don't listen to it.
I'm voting for C.
P.S. Your thread title; very cleaver sir.
This is the most concise post in the thread.
Satans..... hints.....
If you want to be with K, I'd suggest your best chance is to wait until she's got things straighened out, then proceed. Now is not the time. If you want to be with C, be with C. At this point, the two situations are completely separate.
Also, for the love of God, just make up names instead of using letters. That should be in the HA rules in 24 point lime.
If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to message me. Yes, that includes you.
Leaving aside her intentions in what she has said/done to you recently, it's obvious that she's in an awkward emotional place right now. It's unlikely for people to form healthy emotional bonds with someone while they are still emotionally tangled up with someone else. If what you are looking for is a long-term serious relationship with minimal drama, then getting involved with J at this point in time would not be a good idea.
I think friendships are way more important anyway. Thanks a lot everyone who posted.
Ive seen this many times, and dealt with this sorta thing myself more times than I would have wanted. I will tell you straight up to go with C, but if doing so forces you to contradict the desires in your heart than you will end up hurting her more so than anything.
First off, props for your maturity throughout this and not acting irrational like many other guys I know when girl X leaves for friend Y.
Now, there are three things that need (for me at least) to be put into context when figuring this sorta thing out, but I'm not obliging you give out ne info if you don't feel comfortable because I was gonna go ahead and throw out generic scenarios based off my own experiences to help give you advice:
1. did K know the extent of your feelings when you 'dated' her
2. what was the catalyst, or what were the factors that set K off towards J vice you
3. I'm gonna go ahead and put this in spoilers, I may get flamed for such 'cruciality' but this here messes with girls minds more than ne thing
My dad always told me, "You ever hear a girl tell you 'let's take it slow,' move on and don't bother." Now, he comes from a military black and white world and this is advice that I have never, possibly will ever, follow, but each time a girl has said the whole, 'lets take it slow', to me, it NEVER works out. I don't know, maybe it's me who screws up the relationship, but the truth is, if a girl truly cares for you in a level beyond mere friendship, and KNOWS it, than it is unlikely she'll run off with another person, in your case your friend. However, most girls at a younger age don't know what they want (let me be PC and say guys aren't much better), and will probably never find out until they actually find it. If by chance you told her of your feelings, than its very likely she may have been "freaked out" or pushed into an uncomfortable position and fled the situation. On the other hand, perhaps she felt far more attracted or had a better connection with J than she has with you, and thought at that moment he was better for her.
So I guess what my dad was trying to say is, that if a girl knows she likes you, she not gonna hold you around until she finds some one better. She's going to take that chance and pursue that relationship with you, especially she already knows of your feelings and is given that security. Quite frankly, it seems like K just wasn't it to you (and I'm not sure that may have changed much) where as C seems a lot more level headed.
But what to do now?
First off, you need to truly find out how you feel about this person, especially with C thrown into the mix. Then, you need to think rationally and judge the longevity and strength of a intimate relationship between you two would work out.
I'm telling you straight up, and not to sound harsh, but the most you will be with her is a rebound - and even that is unlikely. I say it is unlikely because usually from what I have seen the rebound is some random guy she met at a party or something, not an old friend such as yourself. No, she obviously values you far more than a personified reprieve from J, so if anything, she wants (or needs) you as a friend and for support. And that's ok, in fact, that's a good thing. My best friend Christina was a "k" of my own, even after going through a similar situation. It's always good to have non intimate friendships like these, because even then they can still provide and offer more or different emotional support foundations that your other male friends couldn't offer. Plus, they are a great venue to figure out the inner workings of a girl's mind (Christina has helped me so much in that regards and she has helped me maintain a two year relationship with a girl who I hope to be engaged with)
Point no 3 emphasizes why an immediate relationship wont work out between the two of you. If by chance the J was her first than I will warn you that she will be to emotionally attached to him to ever be a fully committed relationship to ne one for a while. Man, I have seen engagements broken off, girls running off with abusive x-bf's, good men torn to pieces because of the emotional bond these girls create with that other person. It's not there fault, it's an emotional thing that they deal with and there is not much we can do about it. Even if she can commit to you physically, there's still the question of mentality, which by itself is essential for a healthy relationship. If such a scenario falls in line with K (I'm not making no assumptions, just throwing out a basic hypothetical) than I would not be surprised if she happened to cheat on you or straight up leave for him. It's a harsh insinuation to make, but I have seen this done so many times since high school that it has become almost law. In fact, a few girls I have dated myself told me bluntly they can't commit to me and would rather superficially date because of that very reason.
So yeah, man, sorry for ranting...but in short, C is your best choice - if ne thing by default. You have a girl who you know cares for you, whom you care for as well, and there doesn't seem to be any baggage that could pose any detrimental force to your relationship. You would also do both yourself, and K a large favor by taking the initiative and installing a strong and reliable friendship with her, and leave it at that.
I hope this helps.
"I was born; six gun in my hand; behind the gun; I make my final stand"~Bad Company