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What to say, whaaaat to say?
AlyceInWonderland
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
When I'm away at college during the week, my boyfriend always calls at 9 every night(different plans, and my parents end up getting pissed when I use minutes through out the day considering we're on a family shared plan..etc etc), however, sometimes we'll start a conversation with a bang, and everyone's laughing and having a grand ol' time, but sometimes, like tonight, we're both straining to think of something to talk about, and there ends up being many silences on the phone. We want to stay on the phone with eachother, but there is just *nothing to say*. I notice this happening more and more, and I was wondering if there was any way to sort of...come up with something to say so the silences don't persist.
We're absolutely fantastic in person, and get along wonderfully, and there are never any pauses then. However, since it's the phone there are many limitations.
Any ideas?
We're absolutely fantastic in person, and get along wonderfully, and there are never any pauses then. However, since it's the phone there are many limitations.
Any ideas?
AlyceInWonderland on
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Agreed. Get a few days worth of events built up to talk about, and you'll be set.
Have you talked to him about this directly? That might help, it made me feel less awkward during "awkward silences."
Hope mine's a helpful suggestion.
Seriously though, I agree with Than. If you run out of stuff to talk about, talk less often.
Some days you'll still have marathon conversations, but yeah you cant expect that to happen every night, puts too much pressure on each other to say things, and you end up saying nonsense, or stuff you werent ready to say
If you REALLY want to prolong the conversation and need a means to do it, what about having one of you read to the other? My gf loves me reading to her. Even books she's read a million times are different when i put my own interpretation and acting into the characters
Second on the skype/webcam though if you can swing it. You're not burning a hole in your wallet, and you can still just hang out without constant chatter taking place.
I know it seems quaint in this day and age of instant messaging... but seriously, getting a letter from a loved one never gets old. It also allows you to write down your thoughts, rather then just blurting out the first thing that comes to mind.
Plus, a well-written love letter is almost a free pass to gettin' laid...
*shrugs* Whatever helps me sleep at night, right? Haha.
There's nothing wrong with comfortable silence, per se, but it's a lot harder for that silence to be comfortable on a phone if you're not sure how the other person is feeling about it. If you *know* that your boyfriend is lying warm and drowsy in bed just listening to the sound of your breathing and perfectly content with that, then yeah, it's pretty neat. But if you're worrying about him being bored, sitting there tapping his fingers on his desk looking around the room for conversational material, then yeah, silences are awkward.
How do *you* feel about the gaps in conversation?
If you find them to be uncomfortable, then cut them short. Don't have anything else you want to say to him just then? Sign onto AIM, as others have suggested, and chat while you do other things. Or say goodnight altogether, if you'd rather go watch TV or something. Don't try to force a conversation - anyone who tries to read Wikipedia entries to their significant other in lieu of actually communicating should be shot. (Unless it's the entry on mudkips).
If, on the other hand, you enjoy the contemplative moments, find out if he feels the same way. Ask him, straight-up, whether it bothers him when you run out of things to talk about. If it does, well, see option A. If it doesn't, then just reassuring each other that neither of you is bored should help.
As far as webcams go, they can be great for some people, but it really depends on what sort of people you are, and how far apart from each other you are physically. There's a thousand miles of interstate between me and my boyfriend at the moment, and while we've been able to see each other for at least a few days once a month, on average, that's still a whole lot of distance to be made aware of. We both have webcams, and we used them a bit at first, but we've found that they make things worse, not better: they just show us exactly what we're missing. It's easier not to think about some things, because you know they'll drive you half-mad with longing, but when they're right in front of your eyes on the monitor you don't have a choice. And it's the smallest things, too: a strand of hair hanging down over his face that your fingers just ache to be able to brush away, a glimpse of the shirt you accidentally left behind the last time you drove down to surprise him with a visit.
Anyway. Webcams can be a real mixed blessing, but you won't know until you try them.
For now, figure out how you feel about the silences, then deal with them accordingly. Letters can be pretty fuckawesome too, but they're more of an additional thing, they won't really deal with the problem of not having anything to say.
One last suggestion, though, for what to say on the phone:
That only works if you're going to see each other like within the week. Kinda wears off after a while...
"Hey remember that letter I wrote you 3 months ago? Blowjob, please!"
It's both, actually. There's never a boring moment, and when there is just a bit of a lul, I'm able to just sit there, watch him do whatever, or do my own thing while still enjoying his company.
It's just on the phone where it's like "Alright...uhm, that's pretty much all that happened. Yeah. So uhhh..."
Also, I don't think talking on the phone once a day is really all that bad. The silences don't bother ME, I just like knowing that he's there, I'm just worried that he's getting bored. I'll end up talking to him about it tonight.
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Edited to add: It's far better to split up a long conversation into 2 or 3 phone calls if you've got an evening of nothing to say, is my point. If you hit a "so yeah..." and you don't say anything, say "I love you, I'll talk to you in a little bit."
The other reason is that it's more healthy for conversations to be that way -- to flow naturally. You're long distance now so of COURSE things go well when you're together. But most people's plan for the future involves living with and spending a great amount of time with their partner, so you'll have MANY moments in person, in the future, where you'll be sitting there and those "so yeah..." moments will come up. Knowing when to break off a conversation and get to doing other things is key to keeping a relationship fresh and preventing stagnation, or that feeling that you just can't do something because of the other person.
Also the whole letter thing is great. While we wouldnt wait for a weeks worth of events, a few times we would just sit down, write what we were thinking about, how we felt for each other, etc., and sent it away. It was extra awesome because we werent expecting one, but every now and then there would be a letter waiting. Plus she sprayed it with perfume once. "Corny, I know" is what she wrote in the letter, but I loved it.
I would just say either cut the conversations short or make it every other day or every couple of days. Plus, it'll give you a chance to miss each other.