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The marriage night (what to expect and how to deal with it)
Chesterton
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, this is a somewhat awkward question, and for the sake of my own dignity I will reassure you that you are not my only resource in this matter. However, since this tends to be something that you don't just talk about freely among friends and acquaintances, I've only got a couple of perspectives on this from my closest friends, and I thought I would anonymously cast the net wider for any advice/experiences that could be helpful.
I am to be married in a month. Both my fiancee and I are virgins, and a long time ago, we made the conscious decision to keep it that way until after we're married. (We have a variety of reasons for this, but that's not really what I'm asking about)
Just for background... we haven't had normal intercourse, we haven't really engaged in any other sort of sexual activity. Clothes have never come off, we've never explicitly touched eachother in a sensitive place. Within these constrants, however, we are very intimate and enjoy being near eachother physically. I'm really not worried that we'll be attractive to eachother in that way... we have actually both, unintentionally, orgasmed while making out, me from mostly accidental friction to the right areas, her, I think, just from heavy kissing and such on face, neck, shoulders, arms, ect.
Now, I know it will be rather awkward and by no means great sex at first. That kind of comes with the territory, and we've accepted that. I fully realize that I will likely be done within three seconds of her touching me, and that it'll take a while to get used to things. This is fine - we both know we have the rest of our lives to get good at it, and it's still going to be extraordinarily amazing and special to just be together and fully intimate with no inhibitions. I'm not so much asking for sex technique tips - I rather look forward to figuring all that out, together with her. We've definitely talked about it, and she shares this opinion.
But what would like to know is how I can make it easier for her - she is quite worried that it's going to be very painful. I knew some pain was involved, the first time or two, but she's been hearing some horror stories from the occasional sister and friend. Evidently it was quite an ordeal, for one of her sisters, for the first couple months, and another of her friends, I hear, described the pain of first intercourse as "agonizing."
So... is this true, is it true only for some people, and if so how can I make it easier? I know we're not necessarily going to have great sex, but I want it to be at least special and somewhat pleasurable, rather than something she'll look back on as a completely unpleasant experience. I thought, from my rudimentary knowledge of biology, that it was the hymen tearing that caused the pain, but she seems worried simply about size factors, too. I'll probably discretely have something we can use as lubrication nearby, just in case that becomes an issue. But beyond that... yeah. What sort of experience can she expect, and how can I make it better?
Thanks... I know it's somewhat of an odd question, but I hope some of you won't mind enlightening me just a bit.
I am to be married in a month. Both my fiancee and I are virgins, and a long time ago, we made the conscious decision to keep it that way until after we're married. (We have a variety of reasons for this, but that's not really what I'm asking about)
Just for background... we haven't had normal intercourse, we haven't really engaged in any other sort of sexual activity. Clothes have never come off, we've never explicitly touched eachother in a sensitive place. Within these constrants, however, we are very intimate and enjoy being near eachother physically. I'm really not worried that we'll be attractive to eachother in that way... we have actually both, unintentionally, orgasmed while making out, me from mostly accidental friction to the right areas, her, I think, just from heavy kissing and such on face, neck, shoulders, arms, ect.
Now, I know it will be rather awkward and by no means great sex at first. That kind of comes with the territory, and we've accepted that. I fully realize that I will likely be done within three seconds of her touching me, and that it'll take a while to get used to things. This is fine - we both know we have the rest of our lives to get good at it, and it's still going to be extraordinarily amazing and special to just be together and fully intimate with no inhibitions. I'm not so much asking for sex technique tips - I rather look forward to figuring all that out, together with her. We've definitely talked about it, and she shares this opinion.
But what would like to know is how I can make it easier for her - she is quite worried that it's going to be very painful. I knew some pain was involved, the first time or two, but she's been hearing some horror stories from the occasional sister and friend. Evidently it was quite an ordeal, for one of her sisters, for the first couple months, and another of her friends, I hear, described the pain of first intercourse as "agonizing."
So... is this true, is it true only for some people, and if so how can I make it easier? I know we're not necessarily going to have great sex, but I want it to be at least special and somewhat pleasurable, rather than something she'll look back on as a completely unpleasant experience. I thought, from my rudimentary knowledge of biology, that it was the hymen tearing that caused the pain, but she seems worried simply about size factors, too. I'll probably discretely have something we can use as lubrication nearby, just in case that becomes an issue. But beyond that... yeah. What sort of experience can she expect, and how can I make it better?
Thanks... I know it's somewhat of an odd question, but I hope some of you won't mind enlightening me just a bit.
Chesterton on
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The rest you can figure out for yourself
It's always a good idea to have a bottle of lube on-hand, just in case. That will help a lot with it. There might be some stretching of the vaginal walls, but unless she is really tight, she'll be fine. Just take it slow and both of you have fun.
Congrats on the wedding!
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
Get some KY Jelly and go SLOOOOW. Just feel it out. The first time I had sex we had done a lot of other stuff (like fingering) so she was very "worked in" already. If she has never had anything inside of her than it will be painful. Be mindful of this. Make sure it's ok for her and just take it slow. Make foreplay last a really long time and it will be all the better.
The first time my wife and I had sex it was quite painful for her because she's a very small lady. It took about half an hour to get it in the first time, but that's what was needed. You might be surprised at how slow you might have to be.
Or it won't work at all.
This happens too, sometimes.
Yeah, equally possible.
Use lube, condoms if you want to. Take your time. I mean, really take your time. Realize that it might take like a week of tries to successfully get it up there, let alone be pleasurable for the both of you. Don't skimp on the foreplay. Experiment with oral.
Overall have fun, kids.
EDIT: you might not want to start with penile penetration. try something less invasive first. I can imagine that going from absolutely nothing up in dis ever to a wang would be quite a change
https://medium.com/@alascii
Shogun Streams Vidya
And remember that good lovers are made, not born. Be willing to try things and you may be surprised at the results.
Your wedding night should be a night of becoming familiar with each other, and that doesn't just mean sexual parts. I would suggest keeping the lights low, and starting under the covers, snuggling together. Get used to feeling each other's bodies and don't jump into anything. By being intimate slowly and becoming more comfortable with each other's bodies (and more importantly being naked in front of each other), you should gradually both want to have sex, and it should feel much more natural and pleasant for both of you.
Just remember that there's nothing wrong with waiting and there's nothing wrong with not having sex on the first wedding night -- you've got plenty of nights and days afterwards, after all.
If you take it slow and just show her how much you care about her, using your body, even if the intercourse doesn't turn out so hot, she'll have a positive memory of that.
Secret Satan
DO NOT. I repeat DO NOT force the night into anything that either of you aren't ready for. Its nobodys business what you two do or do not do. Alot of outside pressure on something that involves only two people will usually make it really awkward.
Just enjoy one another, whether that means oral, mutual masturbation, or sex. Like you've said, you've got the rest of your lives to enjoy one another. Take it slow, tell her what you like, have her tell you what she likes. Enjoy the night, because it's one of few where the two of you will be the only people in the entire world that you need to be concerned about.
Hope the advice helps (And don't worry about asking us PA'ers for help. Its kind of what we do), have a great night sir. Congrats!
I'd agree that you don't want to be breaking out an outlet-powered vibrator or the Great American Challenge on your wedding night for your virgin wife's pleasure, but for the love of God, use lube. There is nothing shameful in it, there is nothing dirty or slutty about it, using lube doesn't mean that you fail at having sex. It just makes things *better* for everyone involved.
My advice: work up to it. If she's OK with the idea of you going down on her, do that - if you can get her off that way, even better. Then fingers, preferably lubed, to stretch her a bit. If she can handle (and enjoy) two fingers, then you can try for the main event.
And who knows, they might just be wasting money if she doesn't need it at all.
Secret Satan
Buying and using lube is a hell of a lot less embarrassing than having sex for the first time. And I would imagine that most virgin guys know how to use it anyway.
My wife and I were also both virgins.
We talked about our wedding night for some time, and eventually decided on not forcing (sic) the issue.
I will second (third, fourth, fifth, whatever) the requirement of lube.
On our wedding night, we didn't even have sex. We just had a lot of foreplay, spent a long time "exploring" each other, and talked about what felt good and what didn't. We ended up actually having sex the next morning. It was awkward, and painful for her. But it was special.
We read the book "Sheet Music" about a month beforehand. It's Christian themed, but I really liked how it detailed everything about sex.
I guess the best advice is to just relax, talk about stuff, lots of foreplay, and don't rush anything.
Oh, and DON'T WORRY. Anxiety makes it harder on her.
Good luck man, and congrats!
Also getting naked in the darks helps alleviate stress.
I think one of the more romantic and just simple, nice things you can do is wash and talk to each other. Talk about all the things that happened during the big day, talk about what's next, the honey moon, going back to work, anything. It can be utterly sexual and a complete turn on or if that isn't going so well it can simply be a bonding experience
It introduces you to the other's body in a way that completely takes away all expectations. And to me, this is the most dangerous thing on "first times". Trying to anticipate all the little details can.. work against you. I mean you're sticking things in places... when taken out of context sex is pretty much a joke.
So I suggest showering and talking and playing it thoroughly by ear. You'll figure the way two of you like it quickly enough.
I completely agree. We took a bath that evening after "playing around" for a while. Was so relaxing, and quite romantic. Taking a bath in a huge tub while sipping wine? Awesome.
Congrats, I'd say let us know how it goes, but it's none of our (or anyone else's) damn business.
Also, there are some things to watch out for ladywise. One, there might not be any bleeding at all - hymens are extremely variable, and can range from almost non-existent to 'requires surgical intervention before menses can exit' - this is something you really need to talk about, because if its particularly thick there'll be more than 'a little pain' involved. Also, they're often easily broken by hand or by non-sexual physical activity, so don't go thinking something is wrong if she doesn't bleed or experience pain. Leaping to 'she's a whore' is a mistake that has been made by the ill-informed
Well, don't get drunk as in pissed out of your skulls, but having a few can as per usual loosen inhibitions and make both of you less nervous, since it's what you primarily seem to be concerned with. Also, unless you are teetotal or a teenage couple, not having a drink at your wedding reception is somewhat unlikely.
Have fun. The vagina is an adventure.
sig'd
Muh? There are several other forms of contraception which are perfectly effective, less problematic to first-timers, and which affect the experience less than condoms. The major benefit of condoms aside from standard contraception is that they are a easy & reliable form of STD prevention when either of you have previous / multiple partners, which presumably isn't an issue here.
Also, while you're considering all these things regarding her, think about yourself as well.
Your penis might not get hard on command. Just like anxiety will effect her, it is going to effect you as well. Don't stress out if you won't come to attention when needed, if you just enjoy yourself and do foreplay it'll happen soon enough.
Like The Cat said, don't assume you're going to go off early. A lot of guys don't orgasm their first time, or they take an extremely long time to orgasm. This is also entirely normal. If you don't orgasm your first night (or even during the first week), don't worry about it. It will come in time.
Prepare some contraceptive in advance. Pills, shot, condom, anything. If you're using a condom and are worried about being too sensitive, don't ever "double bag;" it's just a terrible idea all around. If you're using a condom and feel insensitive, a couple of drops inside the condom will make it feel much better.
This last suggestion may be a bit controversial, but I'd also personally suggest some sort of sex education video or at least a guidebook beforehand. Nothing you learn from it is really going to prepare you for sex, per-se, but it ought to have helpful tips that might not be easy to pick up intuitively at first. My first girlfriend and I learned about cervical bruising the hard way (which doesn't necessarily have to do with intensity, just not fitting together quite right). And until I watched an instructional video, I always assumed that when I was going for the g-spot I had missed and hit the bladder instead (the sensation of needing to urinate is a side effect of stimulating it).
The only thing I have to add is that communication is key. Talk about what you want, what she wants, what you're both comfortable with, and anything else. It's absolutely necessary, and it's so much easier to figure out what works and what doesn't if you tell each other, rather than trying to interpret grunts and moans in the heat of the moment.
Don't even worry about talking about sex immediately, either. As others have mentioned, just relaxing and enjoying the company and intimacy of each other is what it's all about. Take a bubble bath, sip some wine and talk about your favorite moments of the day, and you'll naturally flow into whatever you two feel like doing.