Help a girl out

Silverpath

Hey, there, Help/Advice. I'm hoping that someone here might give me a bit of advice on a problem I seem to be having.

First, a bit of background about me. Im a person recovering from a completely destroyed life. Im trans, and during the course of my transition, I lost all the people in my life except for my mother. None of my friends from before I started down this road or my family (except my mother) will talk to me anymore. As it stands, I have three friends now, counting my mother.

The problem comes in here: I do believe Ive fallen in love with one of my friends.

She's got problems of her own, to be sure. Im worried that if I do tell her, straight out, that it will somehow make things worse for her. I dont even know if that makes any sense. I do know that for the first 28 years of my life, I never worked out the basic social skills everyone else gets. And so I simply dont know how to proceed.

I just dont have anyone in real life to talk to and ask advice of. The only other friend I have in real life is far too close to the situation to offer me any advice, even I had the courage to ask her for it.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance, folks.

urahonky

Hmm. Can you tell if she also has feelings for you? It'd be hard to come out and say: "I love you" if you're not quite sure of how she feels.

Silverpath

urahonky wrote: »

Hmm. Can you tell if she also has feelings for you? It'd be hard to come out and say: "I love you" if you're not quite sure of how she feels.

Thats part of my problem. 27 years of being a functionally broken person has left me unable to tell things like that. My abilitiy to read peoples reactions to me and feelings about me is just simply not there.

urahonky

Could you describe a day that you and her were out together? Preferably something recent. We might be able to get enough details to help you figure out whether or not she has interest in you. I think that's the only way we could begin to help.

Smasher

In your particular case I'd have to advise against telling her how you feel unless you have strong reason to believe she has similar feelings for you. Given your professed difficulty in reading people's feelings, it's probably better to assume that's not the case. She's one of the few friends you have right now, and if you tell her how you feel there's a higher than normal risk of her taking it less than well. From the sound of it losing her would be losing one of your bases of support, which could have a significantly detrimental effect on your well being. Depending on your direction (mtf, i presume?) and op status, if she's not the proper orientation that might make things even more awkward.

I think the best thing for you to focus on for the near future is making more friends. Go out and do the things you enjoy and try to talk to the people who also enjoy doing them. You'll doubtless have difficulty doing so at first, mainly because of your social inexperience and possibly because of your transgendered status depending on how convincing you appear, but if you don't try you'll never make friends and things will never get better. Once you make some more friends who accept you for who you are you'll likely become happier and more confident, and can then start looking to tackle the admittedly daunting challenges a transgendered person faces when it comes to dating.

Also, if you're not already in counseling I would strongly suggest going in to get some. A good psychologist will be very useful in helping you sort through the things that make you feel "broken", and can also serve as an outlet to discuss things such as your current crush that you might not feel comfortable talking about with your friends.

Silverpath

Smasher wrote: »

Lots of helpful advice

Yeah, mtf. Post-op, too.

I live in the midwest. Just within the bible belt, Wichita to be precise. This is not the best place to be transgendered in. Most everyone I know, including the woman in question thinks I should get out of Wichita and go someplace else. The one other trans person I know moved out of this area less than a month after getting thru surgery. She thinks Im the brave one for staying here.

As far as therapy goes, its not really financially an option at this time. Leftover transition costs and normal cost of living kill that idea.

Silverpath

The only thing I have to add at this point is this: Im worried that I might be making life harder for my friend if I tell her. My previously mentioned social inexperience might be behind this, I just dont know.

If someone could direct me towards an appropriate forum to vent, I would appreciate it.

MC Mystery

So. This is something I've -always- been curious about and if I come off as a huge asshole for asking this I'm sorry.

I don't understand being transgendered first of all. Not that I don't believe in it, I just have never felt out of place in my own body and I can't imagine how horrible that must be. So let me preface that before I ask this next bit.

Do you regret getting the surgery now that you're in love with a woman? Or was it never an issue of not finding women sexually attractive, and only an issue of being a woman? Like I said I have no idea how these things work and would love your insight on this.

Silverpath

MC Mystery wrote: »

So. This is something I've -always- been curious about and if I come off as a huge asshole for asking this I'm sorry.

I don't understand being transgendered first of all. Not that I don't believe in it, I just have never felt out of place in my own body and I can't imagine how horrible that must be. So let me preface that before I ask this next bit.

Do you regret getting the surgery now that you're in love with a woman? Or was it never an issue of not finding women sexually attractive, and only an issue of being a woman? Like I said I have no idea how these things work and would love your insight on this.

I have no regrets for having the surgery. A person's gender identity is a completely separate thing from their sexual preferences. It was always an issue for me of just not being physically correct.

I think my real problems as far as this goes is that I don’t have enough social experience. I really avoided interacting with people as much as possible before transition, because I knew something was really wrong and I didn’t know what.

Edgie

Might I suggest moving too?

I never lived in the bible belt before, but if the way I'm imagining it is actually how it is, you should not be living there. Find some place that would be more transgender friendly and more open to your lifestyle. Talk to the trans friend you had and find out how that person likes where they're living.

This is all assuming, of course, that you could manage to be away from 'home' in the state you're in.

[Tycho?]

So, this might be something where you seek professional help, ie a psychologist/psychiatrist. The whole "broken life" bits, being totally unable to socialize, having no friends, being transgendered... thats a lot of stuff, I would think probably too much for one person (or humble HA) to be able to deal with.

Trowizilla

I second (third? fourth?) the therapy thing. I'm assuming you had fairly major counseling before your transition? See if you can get someone to see you for a discount. You might want to check the county health resources, as many of those will often offer reduced-price therapy.

Getting out of Wichita should also be a priority. Try to move to a bigger city, as your life will be a lot easier the less bullshit prejudice you have to deal with.

As for your friend: I would recommend coming out and saying "I'm in love with you" or similar; that's a very big announcement and might freak her out. However, a casual mention of romantic interest on your part shouldn't be too big of a deal: "Hey, you know, I've been thinking it would be cool to go on a date, if you want to." If she's open-minded enough to deal with you being trans, I don't think a little lesbian attraction is going to bother her terribly, even if she doesn't reciprocate. Whatever you do, though, don't obsess over her. Let her know you're interested and then chill.

necroSYS

Honestly, given the massive change you've undergone, I think attempting a relationship at this point would be a mistake. Now, in addition to the hormones you're taking, you no longer have the natural source of testosterone in your body. This is likely causing a lot of mood effects that you aren't used to and are going to need time to come to grips with.

For the first 8-12 months at least post-op, your main concern should be settling into your new body and your new life. You can begin to look for friendships, but as I said above, looking to start into anything romantic that early is a mistake 90% of the time.

I don't think your social issues are that bad, really, because it saves you having to re-learn a lot of interaction (men and women do interact in fundamentally different ways), but I think your primary focus at this point should be learning those interactions on a platonic level.

Steel Angel

I'll reiterate the sentiment about it not being a good idea to go for a relationship with your friend. Even if they can accept it, people often don't really understand what it really means to be transgendered. Hell, the only reason I know what little I do is due to reading I did for a class once. The thing where sexual preferences typically don't change is not something I think is widely known either and that alone could freak out your friend right now.

While I don't know of any specifics, I do at least know that there are support groups for the transgendered. It could be a viable alternative if you can't afford traditional therapy.

Silverpath

Thanks for all the help, folks. I appreciate it.

I think I have a good idea of where to go with the situation now.